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While you were pretending to respond to important messages from work on your Blackberry so your family would leave you alone until the turkey was ready, the judges, contestants and crew of The X Factor were working hard to entertain you, America. They were working so hard to provide you with non-boring, quality fun for the whole family; they did not mean to make you shift around uncomfortably, wondering what else was on... lamenting the fact that you've already invested 14 weeks in the show, so you can't stop watching now! No! You gotta make it through the next 17 weeks before it's finally over...
Anyway. Since it's Thanksgiving week, the contestants are dedicating their performances to someone they're thankful for. And... two acts will be up for elimination! So maybe there are only 16 weeks left.
Steve Jones's suit is so tight this week that he's got a yeast infection. Through all of his scratching and squirming, he brings the judges out. They look particularly inspiring this week, especially Paula Abdul, who has stuffed some turkeys into the top of her dress. She has her tits pushed up and in to create a boobshelf. It looks like she's got bald, conjoined twins hanging from her neck.
Rachel Crow is up first and she's thankful to her parents for adopting her. In the video before her performance, Rachel's family tells us that Rachel was a crack baby who was living in a crack house before they adopted her. Her little sister is also adopted and everyone is happy and proud and thankful, even though there are six of them living sharing one bafroom. Listen. I'm sure the three people who read this want me to write something really mean and snarky... but I just can't. I just can't snark on crack babies that are adopted by poverty-stricken families who all just adore one another and have their hopes and dreams pinned on a reality show competition. Who is working on the script for this movie?!?!
Rachel is doing Yolanda Adams's "I Believe" on stage with a white piano and backup dancers and singers all in white. Her look is less clownier than it usually is... a little more sober for a sober performance, I suppose. The song requires her voice to be stronger than her previous song choices and there are a couple of places where she sounds off key. But let's be honest... with her track record and the story that she just told, there's no way she's going home anytime soon.
When the judges weigh in, LA Reid says he wanted to be mean to her, but she shut him down. Why would he want to be mean to her? Why would a grown man want to be mean to a 13-year-old? Because he's one of Satan's minions, that's why. He signed a deal with the devil long ago that gave him a record company; in exchange he had to give up his soul, his sense of rhythm, and all his body hair.
Nicole thinks that Rachel is an inspiration and a bright light. Paula thinks that Rachel is proof that angels exist on earth. I think that Nicole and Paula smoked some very good weed before the show. Simon thinks that the vocals were great and it was an all around great performance.
After Steve shares Rachel's voting numbers, she tells "all the kids out there" that they can do it, because she did it. That doesn't make any sense, but I think we get what she was trying to say, and Steve can't wait to hug her after all that. Those two should have their own Saturday morning cartoon where they ride rainbows and play with kittens and give hugs to all throughout the land! I would be thankful for that.
They could call it "The Mis-Adventures of Stevie and Rae-Rae."
Marcus Canty is thankful for his mom, to whom he is super close. They even talk 2-to-3 times a day! As a single woman, statements like that set off sirens in my head. There are boys who love their mamas... and then there are Oedipal Complexes.
As we know, Mama Canty is a single mom. She struggled to give her children comfortable lives and she used to sing to them when they were little and had to walk to the bus stop in the bone-chilling dead of winter. Mama gets teary eyed as she talks about how well Marcus has turned out. Here's the problem with parents who love you: they think you're pretty amazing, even when you haven't done anything yet.
Marcus starts out Boyz II Men's "Mama" at the top of some risers on a foggy stage. His mom is in the audience fanning away her tears before he even gets to the first chorus. The performance is simple, which really allows his voice to shine, especially on some high notes. It's also nice that he's sitting still, because he seems to be a sweater and he gets all sweaty when he performs and I, for one, find that very distracting. And gross. It looks slimy. There, I said it.
Also, there's some sort of portal opening up behind him.
He leaves the risers to go down to his mom and they hold hands and stare at one another and look like they're both going to start sobbing. It's an incredibly corny, mildly creepy, but pretty sweet performance.
Nicole thinks the performance was beautiful and precious and she knows "Mama Marcus" is proud. Paula gets the passion and the connection that was in that performance. Simon is booed for starting off his statement by saying he's just going to be honest. But what he has to say is good! Sort of... He says that last week, Marcus was on the floor looking girls directly in their vaginas, but this week, he's created an emotional connection and he's back in the game.
LA just wants everyone to know that he, LA Reid, has worked with some amazing, superfamous, wealthy artists, and Marcus is right up there with them. Right up there with Babyface and Boyz II Men, the writer and singers of the song. Right up there with the infantalized manboys with the Peter Pan complexes.
The entire world -- including her own parents -- have let Melanie Amaro down, so she just wants to dedicate her song to the big man upstairs, God. Way to suck up to God, Melanie! Someone's really brown nosing for a spot in heaven, huh? So, Melanie had a pretty tough childhood. Her parents couldn't afford her, so they made her leave Florida when she was little and go stay with her grandmother in the Virgin Islands. She came back to the States as a teenager, and I'm sure that was pretty tough. Something tells me that living with your Nana in a foreign country and then having to assimilate to American high school would require plenty of PTSD therapy and some good meds. But Melanie found peace in church, where she was asked to sing.
To celebrate and honor God, Melanie's in a super tight blue dress and singing an R. Kelly song, "World's Greatest." The white-clad background singers have multiplied and have now formed a church choir and they back her up in a long line stretching across the stage. She sounds great, as usual, so that's kind of boring.
LA Reid says he can't really criticize the performance; it's in his contract with Satan. LA will use celebrities to undermine God while R. Kelly will directly attack. At this point, Melanie's got the holy ghost in her and can't stop crying and praising God in a Virgin Island's accent. I tried transcribing her interaction with the judges, but it got too confusing and eventually Nicole asks for a hug and attempts to shut Melanie up by smothering her. The general consensus is that Melanie always sounds good, but during her post-performance flip out she became not-boring and gave the audience something to connect to. Will they connect to a Jesus freak? We'll see during eliminations. If so, this will have been a brilliant move.
Chris Rene is giving thanks to Tim, the counselor he met in rehab just six short months ago. As we all know, Chris used to be an addict and got out of rehab right before auditioning for X Factor. His brothers tell us that Chris's addiction was like watching a loved one die while they're still alive. Tim tells us that he saw through the mask that Chris was wearing when he got to rehab; it was a mask made from crystal meth that made Chris pick at his own skin, but Tim was able to see beyond it and help Chris out.
Also in need of help? Fashion decisions. I'm just not sure who should be helping who at this point...
Chis does a mash up, starting with "Let It Be," which I think is an excellent choice for someone with a strong, clear voice; that's not Chris, though. He sings the song very aggressively while he walks across the stage like he's got arthritis of the knees. He mixes his original song "Young Homie" in and improves greatly when he has the opportunity to rap/sing. He gets the audience to join him for an inspiring refrain of "ah, yeah yay" over and over again.
Also, this performance was apparently brought to us from in front of Heaven.
Nicole says that Chris is a blessing for the competition, because surely he will be eliminated any day now, opening up opportunities for her contestants. Paula wants God to bless all sponsors and counselors, but He's too busy making sure that Melanie Amaro wins this thing. Simon didn't think the song worked and thought it was a good thing that he brought "Young Homie" back. LA points out that Chris has an ugly, corny tattoo on his arm that says "believe" and LA believes in Chris. I like LA's philosophy of following tattoos to the letter.
The members of Lakoda Rayne are thankful for the people who have shaped them. Dani is thankful for her dad who would make the family sleep in a tent when he couldn't pay the bills at home. Paige is thankful for her hipster boyfriend who is sticking around until he figures out that LR isn't going to win the $5 million. Hayley's dad's dream was to open a restaurant, but he spent all the money on her instead... what, exactly, he spent it on is unclear, though. Food? Shelter? Clothing? Cari is thankful for her "Grammy," who cries a lot but is very supportive.
The girls are performing Taylor Swift's "You Belong to Me," which is a weird song to sing to your dad and Grammy, but the right kind of music for this particular group. This week, the girls are dressed as flower children and are sitting in swings suspended from the ceiling. This show really likes to take a cliche and then smush it between two more cliches and feed us a shit sandwich. Cari and Dani start things off with an extra helping of weak sauce. Hayley's on the clean up crew, as usual.
LA says the girls were more exciting this week, so only two-thirds of the audience zoned out and started updating their Twitter feeds during the show using the hashtag #ohsnap, which is what Steve Jones told them to do at the beginning of the show.
Leroy Bell is thankful for his mom, Janice. He says that everyone thinks their mom is the greatest, but he knows that his is. Janice had six kids but had a special bond with Leroy, because he's the oldest. She bought him a guitar amp when he was a kid so that he could follow his music dreams. She passed away almost two years ago, and it was the first time his brother had seen him cry.
Leroy does Sara McLachlan's "Angel" on a really dark stage. He sounds beautiful but is back to not connecting with the audience again. However, if you'd like to help out a sad three-legged cat, or a stray dog with milky fluid leaking from it's one good eye, please give to the ASPCA today.
"Get me outta here right meow!"
LA says that it was heartfelt, but not Leroy's best. Paula disagrees and thinks she finally felt the passion and that it was Leroy's best performance yet. Simon also disagrees with LA and thought it was a fantastic tribute to Janice. Nicole says she had asked Leroy to let go and not hold back and that's what he did, so she'll take credit for the performance.
After last week's meltdown, Astro is thankful for the fans who are sticking by him, even though he acted like a little shit. He was just upset because he worked so hard and no one appreciated it. Welcome to adulthood, kid.
In addition to writing terrible things in the comments sections of blogs, people have also apparently been writing supportive things about Astro online. Hmmm... a place on the internet where people say nice things and behave as though they're accountable for their comments? I have not been there.
To show Team Astro how thankful he is for them liking him in spite of him being a spoiled brat, he has written a song for them to the tune of "Show Me What You Got." He's impressive in the number of words he can fit into a couple of short minutes, but it's not as exciting a performance as usual. After he finishes, he apologizes again and promises he'll never let his fans down again.
Nicole believes in him and advises him to always remain grateful. Paula uses the old trick your mom used when you complained about getting picked on at school: What?! Are those people perfect? No! She also wants to be an Astro-naut. Simon says Paula is already an astronaut... 'cause she's in outer space. And she is drinking Tang. He also says he didn't like the song choice. LA thought that Astro handled the situation well: be a gentleman, apologize and perform. After you handle the situation poorly: be a baby, cry and stomp your feet.
Drew is thankful for her bestie Shelby, who taught her to not care about what other people think. Except for the people who are voting for you on a national reality competition. Drew's parents inform us that up until now, their daughter has basically sucked at life. She was so bad at basketball, the team asked her not to return for a new season. Her dad meekly tries to stand up for her, but Drew's mom assures us that everything her daughter touched turned to poop.
She couldn't even grow all her teeth. What a loser...
So Drew and Shelby grew up losers, but now, at the ripe old age of 14 they are #winning. And they've learned that if they're just themselves, people will like them so much more. "Skyscraper" is their song, so that's what Drew's performing this week.
She stands on top of some giant structure on stage to sing. In the enormous video monitors behind her, there is video of her standing on top of some mountain looking down. It's very creepy. It reminds me of this rave I went to in college, which I didn't know was a rave -- I thought it was a Biz Markie concert -- and there were all of these artsy videos being projected on the walls that I didn't understand. There were also people in cages and I'm pretty sure I saw one of my professors take all her clothes of and do a fire twirling act.
Anyway. Drew's voice is the same as it's been every week: clear and beautiful, but pretty boring. Although, the tempo of this song actually picked up near the end, so we finally got to hear something slightly upbeat. And then the song just abruptly ended. It was like someone just shut off all the equipment, but there were still a few notes left.
Let's all agree that this should never happen again...
LA says that Drew is great but doesn't do age appropriate music. Drew tries to get fiesty and says that every girl can relate to the song and everyone needs a Shelby and the song is for everyone who feels like they're worthless or not good enough!
Nicole hopes that more people have little Shelbys in their lives. That's going to be my new catchphrase of 2012: "Everybody needs a little Shelby!" "More Shelby for everyone!" "Pass me the Shelby!"
Paula points out what Drew should have said to LA instead of going on an emotionally charged rant: Demi Lovato, a young singer who kids these days like, sings "Skyscraper." For a music exec, LA seems out of touch with current music.
Simon is proud of Drew, but he's sick to death of LA's pointless, stupid criticisms. He adds that it's "utter rubbish" and he's tired of LA. #ohsnap.
Josh is thankful for his 13-year-old daughter Rowan. He was 17 when he "had" Rowan, and all of the guys at the RenFaire thought the name was a great choice for a kid. After one of his relationships ended (it's not clear which one, although presumably it was Rowan's mom), he went to a dark place and his drive disappeared. And then one day he heard Rowan playing the piano and something in him clicked. He wanted to show her that a dream is worth striving for and that you don't have to wash your hair very often to be successful.
For his song, he selected something that he's been playing for her all her life. He does "Wild Horses" while playing the piano. He keeps the song slow and shows great vocal control. It's a good song choice because it allows him to show off his vocals and get growly towards the end.
My dad, who caught the end of the show with me, says he'd advise Josh to get a good power wash. LA Reid thinks Josh has the right amount of everything to win: passion, authenticity and lovableness. Any word on the talent? No? OK, moving on to Paula who thinks he's larger than life. Simon agrees that it was a great performance and Nicole thinks that Josh can change the world with his music. Whoa, there! Let's wait until he does something besides advanced karaoke before we make such big claims!
And that was the episode. What does this show make you thankful for? The fast forward button on your DVR? The ever-increasing amount of skin that Paula and Nicole are showing? LA Reid (nee Damian) and his crabby attitude? Simon's chest hair and droll sense of snark? I'm thankful that you all continue to read and make comments. See you next time!
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