|
Happy Black Friday everyone! I hope everybody had exactly the kind of post-Turkey-Day that they wanted, whether you were camped out and waiting to get pepper-sprayed food-producted while trying to grab an X-Box, dodging bullets in the Wal-Mart parking lot, or doing like I did: laying on the couch in a stupor after making (and eating) your own giant KFC-style bowl of leftover stuffing topped with mashed potatoes, dark-meat turkey chunks, corn and gravy. Followed by pie. Which was followed by cake. And then followed by TUMS. And no, I did not get my Christmas decorations put up yet.
While all of that was going on, I happened to notice that for once Top Chef Texas did not try to get us to pretend that they were having Thanksgiving, too (remember when they tried to pull that in Season 2 and it was still very clearly summer outside when they filmed the episode?). That was nice of the Magical Elves to treat us like we're smart for a change. What doesn't change is the slightly desperate way Ty-Böre continues to bid for our attention...
this week he's trying to evoke the Village People
in case you thought I was kidding
Well tonight's episode is gonna be full of macho men in cowboy drag. But first, we head back to Casa De Cheffo after BlackBear's elimination, where we get to see Ty-Böre, Mousy Lindsay and Sarah GroanyBooger getting grilled by the others about what went down. Richie LimpHawk asks Mousy Lindsay if she brought up the pre-cooked shrimp at all, and she says "Yeah, I mean, I had to..." Well, no, that's not entirely true, you didn't have to talk about that until GroanyBooger tattled about it (which was odd considering it never had anything to do with her in the first place) but whatever gets you to sleep at night, honey. Someone else asks if they turned against each other...
define "turn against"
Naturally Mousy says no, and asks Sarah how she felt. GroanyBooger says she was just being "honest" and insists that it was BlackBear's standing by his flour tortilla enchilada that got him booted, it wasn't any of the other extraneous stuff that she was bringing up in an attempt to deflect attention from her and Mousy's equally insulting version of cochinita pibil...
try and prove otherwise, bitches
To cap it off, a rather testy-sounding Ty-Böre snots "Either have something rilly good to put on the plate... or shut the fuck up."...
says the guy who served dry-ass donkey balls to a fifteen-year-old girl
Kindly take your own advice Ty-Böre and STFU. Watching from the sidelines, Miss Divot Diva Nyesha says she definitely noticed people's true colors coming out, things are already getting cut-throat and are not so much fun anymore. Word, girl, the honeymoon is ovah. Let's head back to the Top Chef Kitchen where the chefs find...
Scar explaining erectile function
KIDDING, Scar doesn't date guys who get boners. In any case, she introduces today's Guest Judges, the co-owners of Border Grill, Susan "ChicleTeeth" Feniger and Mary Sue Milliken, both of whom are alumni of Top Chef Masters...
and ChicleTeeth has clearly been reading TVGasm, cuz she's keeping her mouth shut
Scar says today's QuickFire Challenge is designed to reward those who take risks, and she gestures to a table full of various chili peppers with a Scoville Scale backing it. There are very mild peppers, like poblanos (which rate about 2,000 Scoville Heat Units) and heat up to "ghost" chilis (which rate a zillion Scoville Heat Units). My own personal palate can take about 4 Scoville Heat Units, which is about the same amount of spice in a single Red Hot candy, so this would not be something I would want to have to judge. Anyhow, their challenge is to pick a pepper from the pecks on the table and make a dish out of it. The twist is, the hotter the pepper, the more money they will win... if they win. Up to $20,000.00. Which is like, one-sixth of the Final Prize Package. Remember when you used to get nothing for winning a QuickFire Challenge except immunity?...
these people do, and they are pissed
Mary Sue tells the chefs that using these super-hot peppers in a dish takes a lot of finesse and skill, otherwise you run the risk of incinerating someone's palate entirely...
like when this happened
Susan ChicleTeeth begs the chefs to remember that the judges have to eat fifteen of these dishes, and implores them to be careful. I bet she is thankful they aren't using any Guatemalan Insanity Peppers from Quetzalacatenango today...
while I'm just thankful she flossed
With that, their 30 minutes starts. Immediately Bore-verly heads to the chili-table and just starts biting into random peppers (on the lower end of the heat spectrum, natch). She thinks the flavor of the Anaheim chili (worth $500) is best because it's one that can be eaten raw, like in a crudité. "I'm not doing it for the money, I'm doing it to make the best-tasting dish!"...
translation: I suck at cooking with hot peppers
Going a little more middle-of-the-road is Richie LimpHawk, who has picked up a Fresno chili (worth $3500). Unsurprisingly, he says he's not really into a lot of spicy food. You know what's really weird? His boss Chris Penis-Hair is the exact same way! He claims to have "stomach issues" with super-hot stuff, so he's going to use a Manzano chili (worth only $7500) otherwise he'd be a "go big or go home" kind of guy and take on the Ghost Chili. Ah, so it's not a lack of confidence or skill that's holding Penis-Hair back, it's medical issues. I wonder if he brought a laminated doctor's note to prove it in case anybody asks.
Fag Hag Heather isn't afraid of the heat, she's stepping right on up to grab the Thai chilies (worth $10,000) and far more important to her than the money is the immunity. Also picking towards the hotter end of the Scoville Scale is our resident Expert On Everything™, Chewy Valencia, who says he picked the Habanero chili (worth $12,500) because he's a "spicy guy" and has a "spicy personality"...
this is only true if for "spicy" we substitute "irritating"
He's currently bragging to Divot Diva Nyesha that in his family the habanero is one of the only chilies that they use, and he tells us he has enough canned habanero in his apartment to last through "the next nuclear fallout". Hmmm, was there a first nuclear fallout that I somehow missed, or is Chewy making some kind of tacky joke about Japan? Either way, I think both myself and Divot Diva are having the same reaction to Chewy's boasting...
we are both about half past give-a-shit o'clock
We're also going to see Divot Diva's take on the Habanero, and as she is talking about having grown up eating spicy food, we find out that her mom is Korean, so she's actually Blasian. Wow, that makes her the third Korean chef this season! Well, two and a halfth, I guess. Anyhow, also trying her hand at the Habanero is Jobless Grayson, who is trying to take down the heat of the pepper by cooking it in some syrup. I dunno if she means maple or simple or corn, but I guess coating it in some kind of sugar might be helpful.
Then we come to TexAsian Paul Qui, and his balls of steel. Yes, he is the only one going for the hottest pepper of them all... the Ghost Chili, worth $20,000... He says he chose it because he wants to prove himself after being in the bottom of the last QuickFire, but I'm thinking maybe he's just mad at Scar for putting him there in the first place and he aims to fry her taste buds. Little does he know it takes way more than a bazillion Scoville Heat Units to burn out the taste of 72-year-old peen...
it would take one of these
Oh lordy, Miss Bore-verly is looking around and noticing that she's the only person who hasn't bothered to actually cook her mild little peppers, "I'm worried how that could stand out... in a bad way.". Does anybody know the Korean word for "DUH"? Also feeling like he's about to climb on board the Failboat is LimpHawk, who is tasting his dish and finding it not very spicy at all. Too late, here come Scar and the Two Hot Tamales, starting with Bore-verly...
and her crash-blanding of raw suckitude
Gee, more Korean flavors, Bore? Somebody might start to think you were a weepy little 한가지 요령의 조랑말. In any case, after tasting, Mary Sue asks if she cooked the chili, to which Bore-verly replies in the negative, "No, I wanted you to really enjoy the freshness and the beauty of the chili itself!"...
looks like Mary Sue is trying to think of the Korean words for "bullshit excuses"
Next in line is Sarah GroanyBooger...
and her lovely dryboard eraser that has been festooned with bloodybooger relish
Then it's LimpHawk's turn to underwhelm them...
pineapple suxpress
Moving on to the other MotoBro (Penis-Hair) I have been trying to figure out what is motovating him to wear extra sunglasses indoors and put his hair into a pseudo-samurai-topknot. Maybe someone should tell him that John Hughes died...
sorry Duckman Deux, Pretty In Pink 2 (Prettier In Pinker) is never gonna get made
Also annoying is the fact that his signature spotting technique is on display again...
dude, don't force me to make another tampon joke
Next in line is Chris Scary...
and no, I'm not gonna make another joke about cum-splotches, either
Scary is going to take a rather weird turn later on in this episode, just watch. Oh, and speaking of scary...
DaCody Diablo is just standing around looking like this
Let's move on to Fag Hag Heather...
and her gay pride parade on a plate
Now it's finally time for Cocky Chewy and blah bullshit blah his dad invented habaneros bullshit blah bullshit he can kill a goat blah bullshit bullshit Border Grill should hire him as a consultant bullshit blah blah he's a spicy superhero blah bullshit blah...
bluh bulimia blah
Cocky Chewy mentions that he used tomatoes in this dish, and Scar asks if they were fresh tomatoes. Without missing a beat Chewy's all nope, they were canned...
did you just serve me some of that Ro-Tel shit?
Yup, he sure did, because he's just that awesome. It is time to take a look at Jobless Grayson's version of White Girl Habaneros™...
fried, dried and laid to the side
That one looks good to me, but I think maybe that's just because I've seen it on the menu at Jack In The Box. Let's see what Divot Diva Nyesha did...
sad side salad horns
They've arrived at TexAsian Paul's station, and Scar asks him flat-out if he used the Ghost Chili strictly because of the money...
no way, doesn't everybody wipe their asses with $20,000 bills?
Well, I'm sure Scar does, but TexAsian insists he also wanted to try his skill...
at making the exact same dish as Chris Scary
TexAsian says he's sweating because he got no feedback from them. I think he's being a worrywasian... if they didn't spit it out or just plain barf, then I'd say that's good feedback...
now, if one of them pukes and Scar gives you the finger, you're totally fucked
OH, and BTW, here's who was so middle of the road tonight that their dishes didn't even score any screen time...
and I still have no idea who Whitney is
So how did they do? ChicleTeeth says some of them were a bit "wimpier" in their use of the chilis, and it's no surprise when they immediately cut to a shot of Bore-verly. Mary Sue says for Top Chef she just didn't do enough (a.k.a. "anything") with the Anaheim to change or highlight the chili itself. Surprisingly, Bore does not burst into tears. ChicleTeeth also brings up LimpHawk's dish, saying it had a nice presentation but it was sweet on top of sweet, he lost the power of the chili altogether. Naturally this means that Penis-Hair has to look like someone just nut-punched him...
or maybe he finally heard about John Hughes
The third (and certainly most gratifying) loozah tonight is none other than El Mejor Hondero Del Habanero, Cocky Chewy! ChicleTeeth says his dish spoke to them of the Yucatán by using achiote, but the canned tomatoes fucked up the flavor of the habanero...
and Ro-Tel just lost a customer
The favorites tonight were Fag Hag Heather and her big gay merry-go-round of cous-cous (she stands to win $10,000.00), Jobless Grayson and her Jack In The Box Dollar Menu Dish (she would get $12,500.00) and of course, TexAsian Paul's Copycat Coconut Crap™ (worth $20,000.00). Do I even have to say who wins?...
here's a hint: it's the one with a penis
Yes, TexAsian Paul takes the prize and the immunity. Did anyone else feel like this was kind of contrived, especially when he made something so similar to what Chris Scary made? I dunno, but something feels fishy, like whoever had taken on the Ghost Chili would have automatically landed in the Top Three just because they had the balls to give it a shot. So, here's a half-hearted kudo to you, TexAsian. Yay.
Moving on, tonight's Elimination Challenge will have the chefs competing in an "age-old Texas tradition", the Chili Cookoff. Everybody is yee-hawing away until Scar says they have to pick up the chili pot underneath their stations and look at what's inside... and we know that can mean only one thing: FORCED-TOGETHER TEAM CHALLENGE! Inside the pots are aprons colored black, white, red, green or blue, which means each team has three people on it. After everyone assembles with their teammates, Scar says she hopes they're happy with who they're standing next to...
for the record: they're not
Yes, Miss Divot Diva is pretty bummed about who she's been saddled with, what with LimpHawk having been in the bottom of the QuickFire and with Bore-verly joining him there and being so "meek"... clearly Divot Diva wasn't there to witness Bore-verly's attack on the meat counter last episode... and while we're at it, it would appear Diva has forgotten the fact that she was in the bottom of the QuickFire herself last week. In any case, she's hoping she doesn't have to be the one to "carry" her team...
I'm hoping she doesn't wind up with any more holes in her forehead after this challenge
ChicleTeeth says they now have an opportunity to make something really unusual, and Mary Sue's not hiding the fact that she's gleefully giggling over the testing of their "team dynamic" skills. Mary Sue likes blood sport, I see. As for the "team dynamics"...
those are going to be just as terrible as always
Chris Scary's not happy about being stuck with Sarah GroanyBooger "given what happened in the last challenge". Again, I think he's also conveniently forgetting the role he played in that fiasco, but whatever, they are stuck with each other.
Whoops! Scar is still talking! She says because chili takes a super-long time to make, they won't have a clock or timer... because they now have all night long (all niiight) to cook... at Casa Del Cheffo!...
gee, what a shock seeing who made instant blowjobface
They now have until 7pm the following evening to have their chili ready to present at the Tejas Rodeo to 200 cowboys and "rodeo regulars" who will be the ones that get to vote on which dysfunctional team wins. More blowjobfaces. Which means it is time to head over to Whole Paycheck Market!
I have never seen people be so cut-throat at the meat-counter in any other season, and naturally all five teams want 30 pounds of beef brisket with a "fat cap" on it...
this is probably not what they mean
Bore-verly is back in ahjumma mode (thanks commenter sploosh!) and forcefully directing the butcher with a steel hand. Too bad Divot Diva isn't around to witness this, because Bore is amazing at stepping on other people to get her the beefmeat she needs. Naturally this leaves some other teams out in the cold...
and feeling murderous
DaCody Diablo is pissed, y'all. Honest to blog, she was there at the meat counter first, and doesn't understand why she wasn't helped first. I think it has something to do with the butchers all running away because they thought the Angel Of Death™ had come to visit them, and they forgot to dab the lamb's blood on their doorways. In short, DaCody should seriously consider wearing sleeves. And getting out of the house during the daylight once in a while. And cutting back on the slutty black eyeliner. Cuz now? She's stuck with short ribs.
Meanwhile, Divot Diva is ordering LimpHawk around like he's a curly-haired bitchdog with alopecia on the sides, and Chris Scary and GroanyBooger are getting into it at the checkout register over whether or not they have enough cash to buy cornbread mix. Scary says there's "something about Sarah that rubs me the wrong way, I'm already starting to see the... bitchy side of her..."
translation: I hate fat chicks
I may be way off base here, but I fully suspect that Scary's kind of a shallow fella and his biggest problem with GroanyBooger isn't so much about her being bitchy (cuz she kinda is) as it is with her being assertive and overweight at the same time. If she looked more like, say, Padma, she'd probably get a free bitch-pass with him. Tell me if you think I'm wrong, I'm just getting a gut feeling here, but I saw this kind of shitty attitude from guys like him a zillion times or more when I lived in L.A. and it sickened me to no end. It makes me even crazier when I see this guy is already winning Fan Favorite and he hasn't been particularly stellar at anything other than making lewd comments about Scar, and fuck, even *I* can do that!
Whoa, I need a time-out. Let's look at something amusing...
hey, Ninja Eddie really can open his mouth!
OK, I feel better knowing that, so let's move on. Back at Casa Del Cheffo, pandemonium ensues as everyone is fighting for pots, pans, trays, supplies, cooking space, booze, dignity, etc. Divot Diva very smartly split up her team and sent LimpHawk to go get equipment, she sicced Bore-verly on snagging the produce they would need, while she bogarted all the beer...
hopefully nobody gets too overzealous in raiding the fridge
I wasn't sure I heard that breast milk line correctly, and weirdly enough, it sounds like it was Bore-verly who said it. In any case, Fag Hag Heather is not happy when she sees that Divot Diva has cleaned them out of Bud Light and calls her a bitch. Diva don't care, though, she's ready to do whatever she has to do to win. Even if it means carrying her team. Which she does by securing them a way to get hammered.
Meanwhile, Penis-Hair has claimed half the space in their outdoor fireplace for grilling, and Ninja Eddie comes along soon after to claim the other half. This means that Jobless Grayson has to do some fancy bartering with Penis-Hair in order to obtain a place for her team's grilling...
so I'll give you 3 minutes of handjob with my eyes closed if you let me use this grate
KIDDING! She actually offers him a sheet pan in exchange for the grate. *I* would have offered him a full-on blowjob to just go ahead and make my chili for me, and I'm betting he would have taken me up on it, too. Hey, do you think Penis-Hair has even had a blowjob since the 90's? I rest my case.
So the Green Team (made up of GroanyBooger, Cocky Chewy and Chris Scary) is going to make a standard Texas-style chili con carne, and Scary's brilliant strategy to get people hooked on their food is to have "a girl sell to all the cowboys". Because cowboys won't buy free chili from a guy, I guess? I dunno, but GroanyBooger says she can do that, her dad was a bullshitter bullrider, and she's confident that their team is just slopping over with "charisma". Cocky Chewy proves her right...
by stirring their chili with his penis
The Red Team (made up of Penis-Hair, DaCody Diablo and Whitney Whatsherface) is going with a braised brisket and short-rib chili (thanks to DaCody's getting screwed at the meat counter) and I am still kinda at a loss to explain...
who are you again?
I'm not going to give Whitney a nickname until she actually does something on this show. Or else I'm gonna call her Crackiswack just because that's the first thing that pops into my head. In any case, Whitney's telling us the Red Team is prepared to stay up all night long to cook their chili and bring out as much flavor as possible.
Speaking of flavas, the Black Team (Divot Diva, LimpHawk and Bore-verly) have decided on a rather avant-garde approach, they're going to make their chili flavored with chocolate and cinnamon in a mole style (that's not mole in the rodent sense, but mole in the he-really-pumps-my-nads-sense). LimpHawk is still pretty much bowing down to whatever Divot Diva wants. Daddy Tom suddenly shows up and when he finds out what they're planning to do he seems less than thrilled. He flat-out asks Divot Diva if she has a lot of experience with making chili, and her confident reply is "Minimal."...
way to carry your team there, Diva
Hey, there's the Blue Team (Ninja Eddie, Fag Hag Heather and TexAsian Paul) and instead of grilling, they're using a smoker on their brisket, and Fag Hag Heather is telling Daddy Tom that their side dish is going to include some pickled peaches. He makes one of his usual WTF faces when he hears this, and now Heather is totally second-guessing her choice to go all Libby's Libby's Libby's on the label label label.
Finally, we meet up with the White Team (and boy are they ever, with Ty-Böre, Jobless Grayson and Mousy Lindsay in the mix) and when Daddy Tom comes by to find out what they're doing, they get all evasive about their super-secret spice rub...
it's so secret I keep it in my underwear
Daddy Tom quickly skitters away after that. Time drags on, and as it hits 11pm, the chefs are starting to get punchy and weird. People are drinking (Ninja Eddie), people are dancing (Cocky Chewy), people are dorking out (Penis-Hair, natch)...
and some are double-D-ing
Chris Scary's still kinda bitching about the fact that they have to keep reminding Chewy the beer is supposed to go in the chili and not in his mouth. The downside to Chewy drinking is that his Brag-O-Meter cycles way, way up, and now Scary is getting annoyed that they have to hear all about Chewy's 8,274 awesome accomplishments, "I've dubbed him as The Most Interesting Man In The World"...
um, I think someone (and their carefully torn v-neck) is a little jealous
It's now 1am. Penis-Hair is letting us in on the secret that chili is magical because "the longer it cooks, the better it tastes". Is this true? Like, if you cooked it for a week, would it taste super-duper-ultra-mega-amazing? Like Jesus-gasms in a bowl maybe? Huh. In any case, Penis-Hair says he'd really like to get some sleep, but chili requires all-night monitoring, so the Red Team will not rest until after the rodeo challenge. You know, it's really a shame that they couldn't have thought to have one member of the team watch over the chili in shifts so that they could each have gotten some rest.
The White(Bread) Team has also decided that they will all suffer together throughout the night, and Ty-Böre's making jokes about being asleep on his (dainty little) feet. Not so for the Green Team, cuz GroanyBooger's taken herself off to beddy-bye. The Black Team has finished with their mole-flavored muck, and they think it is absolutely awesome with all the chocolate notes and the cinnamon hints. You know what else I found out about chili? When you're cooking a giant pot of it and you go to transfer it to another pot, it sounds like someone taking a dump. I'm sorry, these chefs aren't the only ones getting punchy...
this is what happened to my mind at about the time the breast-milk comment was made
The next day everyone looks really rested and fresh...
for zombies
Everyone seems to be getting a little energy back, and Jobless Grayson wonders aloud to the others if the cowboys will be "riding stallions" at this rodeo... and she makes the oddest-looking horse-riding pantomime ever...
they only "ride stallions" like this in Italian gay porn
Also semi-ignorant of rodeo events is Ninja Eddie, who wonders if there are going to be, "like, 10,000 screaming cowboys at this thing"...
then you've never been to the gay rodeo
They all arrive at the Tejas Rodeo grounds and have an hour to put on cowboy hats and heat up their chili, which is important to do slowly so as not to scorch the bottom and ruin the flavor. LimpHawk is telling us the hardest thing about this competition so far has been him being in the bottom of both QuickFire Challenges, which I find surprising, because I would have thought the hardest things for him were running every single thing he does by Penis-Hair and being bossed around by Divot Diva for the last 24 hours...
clearly both have taken their toll
LimpHawk has made cornbread to go with their chili-mole, and feels confident in this weird-ass product they're putting out. Time finally runs out and the teams are set upon by hordes of non-screaming cowboys, which is really exciting to Ty-Böre, who says he is right at home interacting with people, he's totally in his element. To prove it, he yells out "Save a horse, ride a cowboy!"...
um, might wanna tone that down with this crew Ty-Ty
These aren't the fellas that hang out at The Round-Up Saloon in Dallas. In any case, the cow-people are digging in and each team is trying to score points, some by saying their chili was cooked the longest, some by saying they have real Texans on their team, some by saying the other teams' chili was made in NEW YORK CEETY. Fag Hag Heather is getting a kick out of watching the people stroll up, she wonders if they are "moseying" and tries to imitate it on her own...
I heart Heather
GroanyBooger is working her Texasness for all it's worth, telling anybody who will listen that she knows there are no beans in chili. I was not aware of the moratorium that was placed on beans being put in chili, but apparently this is a hot topic, because several people are talking about it. I grew up eating beans in chili, but that's only because my parents had 849 children to feed and a single pound of ground beef needs a little help to stretch that far. They'd probably be scandalized if they knew my mom sometimes put macaroni in it, too.
Meanwhile, the Divot Diva is getting worried watching all this "demographic" (a.k.a. "old white people") trying to make sense of the Black Team's choco-chili, she's concerned that "it might be a little bit too complex for this group". She hopes that if they don't win, at least the judges will give them points for "not playing it safe".
The judges have finally shown up, it's Daddy Tom, Scar, Mary Sue, ChicleTeeth and Gail Simmons, and the first thing they do is grab a cold beer. There is an awkwardly uncomfortable moment when Gail asks Daddy Tom to help her twist off her bottle cap, and he can't quite get it, so Scar steps in and does it for him. Naturally, Gail has to snark "Never send a man to do a woman's job!"...
cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Despite the smiles you see above, there is dead silence for a moment before Scar finally says "Allllrighty, let's go taste some chili!" They head over to the Green Team first...
NO BEANS IN HERE!!!!!!!!
Mary Sue is loving the depth of flavor they achieved, Daddy Tom says it grows on you and gets better with every bite. Gail thinks their sauce is a little thin, though, and wishes they had something to soak it up. Mary Sue agrees, they should have had a tortilla or some chips or something (gee, making cornbread would have been perfect for that, if only they'd had the money and Scary hadn't been such a dick about it).
Next in line is the Red Team...
cheesy and easy
Actually Whitney (who?) says this wasn't easy at all, they actually made their own beef stock out of the short rib bones. Unfortunately, all that hard work is lost on the kid crowd, who are not impressed...
bet they want beans in it
Gail likes the subtle smokiness of the Red Team's chili, plus she thinks it actually has the right amount of heat (sorry kids, your palates suck), and Daddy Tom agrees that it is seasoned well. However, Mary Sue is not so enamored of the stringy texture of their meat.
Time for the Blue Team...
pickles + peaches + pork rinds = perfect
Gail says that pickled peaches are now her favorite thing to eat with chili...
next to BURNT CHARRED RUBBERY EEEEEGGS!
At least she didn't bring up Sexist Pigshit Mike Isabella and his goddamned pepperoni sauce. Anyhow, Daddy Tom says they did a great job with the veggies and the hot sauce, but the chili itself is just meh...
The Black Team is up next...
and I sure hope this isn't too complex for them to comprehend
Well our first clue about how this experiment went over is the fact that ChicleTeeth just can't say enough about how moist the Black Team's cornbread is. BWAHAHAHAHA. Daddy Tom says unfortunately it isn't a cornbread competition and grimaces. Mary Sue wishes they had focused more on exactly what it was they were going after. Scar thinks they did that, it was supposed to remind you of mole, that's what she was reminded of. Gail is just trying to quietly dump out her bowl off-camera.
Last up we have the White Team...
who were never ever ever gonna win this one
Not with the Trinity Of Bean Blasphemy™ against real Texas chili, they ain't! They show some of the Texans deliberating and saying theirs was the worst. Gail says she wishes they hadn't put the pickled vegetables in the chili itself, but ChicleTeeth loves that, she's a big fan of the acidity in it, "But... I like acid!"...
no kidding
Nobody mentions the bean transgressions, but ChicleTeeth complains that it had no heat at all. Back over with Team WhiteBread, they are congratulating each other on how great their chili tastes, and Mousy Lindsay tells us after she and Ty-Böre were in the bottom last week, she is determined not to go back there again...
she is one strangely shaped lady
Now that the judging and eating is over with, the chefs are brought into the rodeo arena to be seated, and they are given a hearty round of applause. Cocky Chewy for some reason starts shouting "I am the giver of life! I am the giver of life!" Yup, it looks like the ego smack-down he received at the hands of the QuickFire Challenge has already been forgotten. And then they start with the ridin' and ropin' and rasslin' and everybody's having a great time...
I can feel these cows hate me because I cooked their relatiiiiiives!
Nah, Bore-verly's not being quite that nutty, but she's upset because she wishes her husband were there to experience the rodeo with her, she insists she's happy. DIvot Diva is next to her and has no clue how to react to this...
Bevly, you in danger, girl!
Diva says it was such a happy moment for everyone else, it was just very weird that Bore was suddenly in tears. She's used to very hard-core chefs and believes it's dangerous to show your true emotions to the rest of the group because it will make you appear weak in the eyes of the others. Still, she admits she is a compassionate person and tries to comfort Bore-verly as best she can.
Time to announce the winner, and Scar rides out on horseback, which means it's also time for Chris Scary to say something appropriately creepy: "Seeing Padma on a horse, it's like looking at Fabio on the cover of one of his romance novels with his hair blowing in the wind... it's just pure beauty!"...
maybe I should change his nickname to Closet Case?
Nah, I think he's just fucking with us. In any case, Scar announces that the winner of the Tejas Chili Cook Off is... the Green Team of GroanyBooger, Cocky Chewy and Scary!...
and now he loves fat chicks
Unfortunately, the judges have chosen the Black Team's Choco-Chili as their least favorite, and someone from that team is going to get booted. BUT WAIT, they each get one last chance to prove their worthiness... by transforming the losing chili into a winning dish...
ok, now it's all right to cry
Yup, they've got 30 minutes to go back and cook some more. Divot Diva's disheartened, especially by the fact that her teammates are now her enemies, and she's kinda pissed. Bore-verly seems to be spinning her wheels, but LimpHawk says he's really focused and plans to coat some pork tenderloin in Fritos and fry it up. Bore-verly finally gets inspired and strains the chili so it is nothing but the mole sauce, and she decides to crust some tuna with the chili seasonings they used. Divot Diva's making kind of a combination of their two dishes, she's strained the chili into sauce and is crusting shrimp in Fritos to put into a salad.
Outside, the other chefs are all gathered waiting to see what's going to go down, and Fag Hag Heather says she sure wouldn't wanna be in the Black Team's shoes right now. Naturally, Penis-Hair is super-concerned about LimpHawk, and he's telling the other chefs that if you told Limpy you needed a kidney he would rip one of his out of his body and hand it to you, "He's strong enough to do that!"...
or maybe that's just a teensy bit of exaggeration
LimpHawk better hope he never wakes up in a bathtub full of ice or he'll have Penis-Hair to thank. In any case, the chefs' time has run out, and Bore-verly is the first one to present her sudden-death dish...
seasoned with Tears of Exhaustion™
Divot Diva is next, and as she's putting her plates down, she says she realized too late that she didn't put nearly enough sauce on her plates...
seasoned with Smears of Regret™
LimpHawk is the last...
wouldn't it have been eerie if he'd made something with kidneys?
But that wouldn't have happened because Penis-Hair wasn't there to okay it. And that fact is certainly coming through, because ChicleTeeth says she was disappointed in Limpy's dish because it lacked seasoning. Daddy Tom agrees that it was very one-note and had no brightness to it. Scar thinks that for 30 minutes he did a lot of stuff, though.
Gail says Divot Diva made beautiful shrimp, but the entire dish needed more sauce (argh, Diva is psychic!). Daddy Tom says it was disappointing, especially her so-called corn salsa that was nothing but corn shaved off the cob and not dressed with anything. He looks pissed.
Mary Sue says LimpHawk and Divot Diva seemed embarrassed about using the mole, whereas Bore-verly made it a front-and-center part of her dish in an imaginative way. ChicleTeeth says it's a tad too rich, but it's balanced and she changed the flavor profile to something better.
Tonight's vignette is pretty much the judges jokingly calling themselves assholes for forcing the chefs to stay up all night and then making these three cook some more...
and they agree with you, only they're not joking
When they are brought back, Daddy Tom immediately tells Bore-verly that she fixed all the flaws in the chili and made a new dish that was the clear favorite, so she is safe to cry her way through another episode. After telling Divot Diva and LimpHawk all the ways they failed, Scar delivers the final blow...
that the MotoBro has gotta go
Poor LimpHawk, he can barely blubber out his thanks to the Judges before he gets back to the Stew Tables and loses his shit completely. Thankfully he has the loving arms of Penis-Hair to fall into, and his tears are melted away by whispered words of love and affection...
yes you did, you showed they can suck and have terrible haircuts
Poor li'l guy, he shuffles off in defeat (after making sure to annoy us all one more time by telling Penis-Hair to "be the Jedi" that he is and win this one for the Moto)...
BUT WAIT! As he is packing up his things from the Casa Del Cheffo, he finds the envelope from Daddy Tom asking him to bring his knives back to the kitchen for one last time...
he's a little weirded out that he found it in his underwear drawer
When LimpHawk arrives at Redemption Kitchen and sees BlackBear Keith standing there (with his bright red knife kit and his orange Crocs) he is actually happy about it as he and BlackBear became fast friends. Daddy Tom asks Limpy if he's going to trash-talk, and he says nope, they're buds...
even though BlackBear doesn't have a cholo headband
Hey, remember how I said at the beginning that it was nice they weren't trying to pretend this was a Thanksgiving Episode? I mean, Penis-Hair made all kinds of comments about how it was over 100 degrees outside while they were in the backyard cooking over that open fire and all, and we saw Divot Diva diving into the pool. Well, Daddy Tom just ruined that by claiming the Top Chef crew just celebrated Thanksgiving...
apparently the Top Chef crew doesn't use plates or napkins or silverware
The chefs now have to use at least three of these "leftovers" to make an awesome dish within an unspecified amount of time that starts now! LimpHawk has an idea to make a cornbread purée with vegetable stock, butter and brown sugar. Hey, does anybody reading this like to drink cornbread? How about your great-grandparents? Yeah, mine would kick my ass if I tried that, or they would have, cuz they're dead now. Anyhow, Limpy goes to season his grainy mush with some salt and instead of using a pinch or two, he tips the container directly into the blender...
aaaaand you're welcome BlackBear
It's hilarious to hear LimpHawk try to spin it that the salt "fell into" the purée, when it's pretty clear it was poured. In order to try and save it, Limpy tries to add some extra fat and stuff into the purée, but he's still getting major Mormon Lake Taste™. Realizing that he still needs to impress, he decides to emulate another poorly-coiffed Top Chef...
this should now forever be known as "BlazeHawking" a dish
Time runs out, and if you have any doubts about who wins at this point, I should mention that we saw absolutely NOTHING of what BlackBear cooked until it is presented to Daddy Tom...
and who doesn't love a big brown smear on their Thanksgiving plate?
One thing I do love is that brown ball on a stick, which is the ham fritter made with stuffing and bleu cheese. Looking at BlackBear's plate, LimpHawk tells us he thinks Keith's food looks more "homey" while his is more "restaurant ready". Ready?...
well, I'm ready... to complain and ask for my money back
BlackBear is very kind when he describes LimpHawk's dish as being "very avant-garde". I would have said it still looked like leftovers. That hadn't been put away yet. That phlegmy pink shit is cranberry mousse that he BlazeHawked. Daddy Tom looks disgusted. After chewing a bit, he asks if Limpy tasted it. Richie nods and Daddy proclaims it to be SALTY... but not when he eats everything all together.
So, the final judging is: Daddy thinks the poo-smear on BlackBear's plate "wasn't necessary" (amen) but while LimpHawk's plate looked weird and seemed to have a lot of crazy stuff going on, the flavors really weren't that inventive, so DUH, BlackBear wins again and gets to keep his chef-coat...
awwwwww, it's like his Forever Lazy™
And there you have it! What did you think of this episode? Did you feel like it was cruel and assholish of them to make the chefs stay up all night and then make them cook all over again? Do you hate beans in your chili? Have any of you ever eaten anything with a Ghost Chili in it? And are you going to be sad to see the MotoBros broken up? And can someone please explain to me about the breast milk?
Thanks again for taking the time to spend with me, and waiting an extra day for the recap as I was out holidaying. On the plus side, I was able to catch the children after they had just eaten their Thanksgiving dinner, so they were in more of a mood to be photographed...
Chunky and Chica wish you a Happy Post-Thanksgiving
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they're posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here! >
source: |
