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Wow. Just…wow. Well, the good news is, so far the reports to the “internet crimes division” by rabid pageant mom Candice has yet to catch up to TVGasm. The better news? Now we have a WHOLE recap in which to get the FBI up and running instead of just the one paragraph in a minicap (and a reasonably tame one at that) that spawned 200+ comments, mostly about Little Debbies and frozen Twinkies, and the sugar highs and alcoholic lows that Christmas seems to bring us all. Gasmii commenters are the best!
Now let’s get this party started! (P.S. Candice...this pageant violence is from CSI: Miami, so be sure to tell the feds about them, too).
This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras brings us the America’s Ultimate Beauty pageant and our good friend Pageant Director Tonya, who always is a good sport about the recaps. The pageant is being held in Nacogdoches, Texas, a city I could not have spelled worse than if I were Candice. And you know how I loves me some Texas!
Going along with last week’s theme of someone asking people if pageants are abusive (come on, production guys – it’s not the pageants that are abusive, it’s the parents!), Tonya says it’s easy for people to call them abusive. “You can see a girl go to gymnastics all day long…she doesn’t even get to eat. At least these kids get Pixie Stix,” she says, laughing, while we are shown footage of tons of pageant attendees phellating extra-long Stix of Pixie.
Yay for tooth decay!
Tonya kisses her finger and marks a one in the air. Heh.
Tonya...j'adore!
First up, in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, “Where Opportunity Lives,” we meet Crazy Candice and her brat daughter Alexes, 4. You may remember Candice from comments such as, “If you say another thing about my child I will report this to the feds since it’s a hate crime and violent behavior towards a child oh and since you guys are all stupid they can trace each and every one of you of internet use even though you are chicken to post your names” and “Or was you guys too stupid to notice 18 don’t come before 13 and 17?” Yes, because we’re the stupid ones.
Poster child for The Combat Illiteracy Campaign.
Candice escorts Alexes a.k.a. Damien III into her bedroom as Damien screams, “Leave me alone! Get away from me!” Candice says her daughter is a “beautiful, energetic pageant queen,” while we are treated to footage of Alexeseseses screaming, shoving her mother away, her mother trying to put her on a chair while she screams and yells and pushes away, then Candice says, “Sissy, do you want to go get a new Build-A-Bear?” Yes, please reward that.
Wanna get a restraining order too?
Candice interviews that Alexes has a lot of personality (while we see Alexes picking her nose) and that she likes to play and have fun (while we see Alexes screaming and running up the stairs). “Always in a great mood,” her mother finishes…talking about some other child we never see, I’m guessing.
And does this atrocity ever end with kids? Ick.
“Do you want to do your beauty walk?” Candice asks as Alexes tears out of the room screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “You wanna go to the movies?” Candice asks, as she and her equally impotent husband chase after A FOUR YEAR OLD TRYING TO BRIBE HER TO BE GOOD. Excellent parenting, morons.
Yep.
“We have to negotiate with her…anything to make Alexes happy,” Candice says. Okay, first of all, you don’t NEGOTIATE with a four year old, you lay down the law so they become productive adults instead of whiney bitch-ass twenty-somethings who cannot hold down a job. Second of all, how’s that “making Alexes happy” working out for you? Because she seems like she’s Satan’s spawn and exceptionally unhappy. Or perhaps you forgot to slam her ADD/Xanax cocktail down her gullet before the production team showed up? Which one of these jerkoff parents do you want to be?
“Contestant number one, Alexes!” her mother says, pretending to be the emcee of a pageant. Alexes, in her little pink car, screams, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” while waving her hands wildly. Alexes interviews saying her name (she can barely say it) and then I think she says she’s one…followed by, “No, I’m four.” Even the production company didn’t caption it – probably because they can’t understand her either. Yeah, I’m thinking adding a speech therapist to the mental therapist this kid so clearly needs by the end of the episode.
Road rage! And do we really want this monster driving?
Now let’s get dad involved. Dad Leo says he thinks Alexes loves to perform onstage (hold that thought) and that she’s a natural at it. Please get a vasectomy to end this nonsense.
Bitch, I AM trying to get away from you!
Over in Holdenville, Oklahoma, we’re with our good friends Tricia and SamiJo, 2, who we met with the Fancy Faces Pageant with the awesome Mr. Todd. “Team SamiJo is very serious about pageants,” Tricia tells us. Why else would they have a team for her?
She asks SamiJo to show her “Pretty feet.” “Lemme see pretty feet. Pretty feet,” Tricia says, followed by, “You’re not crippled. You’re not crippled,” under her breath (the mic catches EVERYTHING), then, “Pretty feet!” followed by, “Don’t, you’re not crippled,” through gritted teeth. “PRETTY FEEET.” Well, someone is obviously crippled mentally if she’s still using crippled as a word OUT LOUD ON CAMERA ON (SEMI-) NATIONAL TV.
Isn't she though?
Tricia reminds us of the horror of almost having named her daughter “America” so she would be “Miss America,” (which begs the questions where did “SamiJo” come from and is it really any better?). She says since we’ve last seen SamiJo, she’s been doing a lot of modeling including “runway shows,” as SamiJo doesn’t wake up for less than $10,000 in Pixie Stix a day. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but SamiJo seems to be wearing her American Wear dress and practicing in it while she’s on the counter…is that the same one that causes Waterfall SamiJo onstage? Or does she have two of these atrocities against fashion?
This looks safe.
“We have had to step it up, now that SamiJo is in the 2-3 division,” Tricia tells us. True, those kids are vicious at that age. Apparently glitz is so important at this age, moms often Bedazzle the skin of their kids just to make sure they have the whole package. Or I may have made that up. SamiJo tries to hit Tricia and Tricia immediately says, “Don’t you hit.” And I think she means it. See Candice? That is called discipline. Look into it.
Awesome!
Over in the Kansas City in Missouri, oh my God they have huge crowns just sitting in a park or something, the subject family really ought to consider checking into those ice dams coming off their second floor roof – according to this month’s This Old House magazine, those could cause damage both inside AND out. Potentially being killed by falling icicles are Annabella, 7, and mom Nicole.
Icicles = instant death.
Annabella is very polished – almost too polished and too smart with the comebacks to feel like she’s being totally herself. Seems like she’s picked up some witticisms from her mom, TV, the older girls at school – you name it – but it feels like she’s totally “on” all the time. The upside is that the kid practices and it pays off, she seems like an overall nice kid and she doesn’t whine, bitch or moan through this whole episode.
And she's ready for her close up, Mr. De Mille
Nicole and Annabella seem to have a great time doing pageants, but Annabella is very taken with herself. She says she’s been in over 100 pageants and with all of her crowns and trophies, one room of the house is like the “Bella hall of fame.” Reel it in. “I always win the ultimates,” she says. REEL IT IN.
Annabella starts naming each crown and pageant then snots, “Ultimate…that’s ultimate too…” Look, I’m all about a healthy ego, but you are going to have some SERIOUS trouble in junior high and high school if you don’t REEL. IT. IN. She says the biggest prize she won was a car, which cool, but since she was too young to drive she just got the money for it. Which I’m sure was “re-invested” in pageants.
Cute, but knows it...bad combo.
“My competition really doesn’t bother me,” she says, “because I’m a professional. It’s all about me. I don’t worry about anybody else.” Yeah. I might consider taking her to a homeless shelter to volunteer so she can see why she might need to worry about other people. Not that I’ll be there, because I put my money towards dog rescues (dogs are less irritating than people), but same concept.
“Okay, time to leave now, bye,” she says to the camera crew, a little too coached, and even worse she immediately looks at her mom. She actually would probably be perfect for a show on ABCFamily.
Candice asks Alexes to bring her Xs in so they can practice her beauty walk. “NOOOOOOOOO!” she inexplicably screams AGAIN as she runs head-first out of the living room. Can you imagine living with this monster? Exhausting!
Yep, part deux.
“Alexes doesn’t like to practice her new routine, so my husband Leo and I work together to get her to practice,” Candice says, as she tells Alexes if she practices they can go to Chuck-E-Cheese. Yes, so she can learn to reward herself with food creating an eating disorder that will last a lifetime. Alexes says something completely incomprehensible and runs screaming up the stairs. I see how well that worked on her, Candice.
Yep, part trois.
“We’re going to go to Chuck-E-Cheese without you,” Candace sing-songs. Try to find a better kid to bring home while you are there. “We try anything to get her to practice,” Candace tells us for the hundredth time. “Sometimes we play with her money, putting more money in her pig.” Isn’t she the pig? Oink! Oink!
Dad shakes the little piggy full of money and Alexes comes flying down the stairs. She’s going to make a great stripper someday. They ask her to practice, she screams some more, then they ask her AGAIN if she wants to go to Chuck-E-Cheese and she says no, so they ask if she wants to “win” money and she says no, so they ask if she wants to go get a Build-a-Bear and finally I’m thinking, why not just pull her from pageants? If that doesn’t work, then maybe she really doesn’t give a shit about them like I think is totally the case!
Girl in the plastic bubble - pull the plug, quick!
Leo continues with the pussiness by saying the Build-A-Bears are their negotiating tool to get her to practice and to “do good” at pageants. So clearly the Grammar Fairy has hit the entire family. “And that’s probably why she has like 20 of them.” So I’m guessing the practice has paid off, has it? Because clearly the negotiating hasn’t. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. Also, can you imagine her as an adult in the workforce? Think of the first time she says she will only run those reports if her boss takes her to Build-A-Bear? Oh, who am I kidding, she’ll probably go to those same two upstairs Hollywood colleges where Candice got her "degrees." No chance on valuable future employment for Alexes.
Which picture do I push for what?
Back with Annabella, who still thinks this is audition…she’s asking her mother if they can skip doing the hairpiece. Nicole says that Annabella’s had this sassy attitude all of her life. Wonder where she got that? Nicole grabs a hot roller out of her hand and Annabella says, “Did you just snatch that right out of my hands? Oh, no, that ain’t gonna work, sweet cheeks.” Um, okay. Yeah, I like a little sass with kids, but that is kind of beyond what a 7 year old should be saying to an adult. Hope she doesn’t say things like that at school.
“Bella’s got a little swagger about her, “Dad Kris tells us, adding that she has picked up some of her mother’s “spunky personality.” Okay, I’m calling it here. Nicole got pregnant, Kris did the right thing by marrying her and now she keeps his balls in one of her makeup bags for the pageant. Just a huuuunch.
“I see you’re going to be having a knuckle sandwich for lunch today,” Nicole says to Bella, who answers, “I see that you’re going to be having one too.” Yeesh. We weren’t allowed to say shut up to one another growing up. Of course, now we do, often and at the dinner table during holidays.
Eh, knuckle sandwiches rock!
Nicole says a lot of people say she coaches Annabelle but she doesn’t. Coaching/Raising…same dif, isn’t it? “I look like ya, I talk like ya and I’m feisty like ya. We’re twins!” Annabella says to her mom. Nicole laughs. Well, I will take this kid over the Omen IV that is plaguing Candice and Leo, that’s for damn sure.
OMG, you really live in a fantasy world, don't you Tricia?
Back with Tricia, she tells us things have changed since the last time we saw her. “I had to have a breast augmentation.” Yeah, I need one of those plus a bank account and Clooney augmentation, but you don’t see that happening, do you? And why did this “have to happen”?
Tricia tells us that one boob is larger than the other. Well, okay, if that is true and it is noticeable, I get that someone might want to do that. However, Tricia decided to compete in the Mrs. Oklahoma pageant. We see home videos of her saying that she doesn’t like the natural look, she wants them to look fake and be pointing straight ahead, “Like this,” she says, pointing with her fingers. “I want them up high and pointing like this!” What she really needed was “something to hold up” her gown. Bitch, your family farms turtles for a living. Is it really that lucrative that you could blow money on something to hold up a gown? Man, how come I can’t come up with some Ponzi scheme to screw people like this out of their money? It would be sooo easy.
Is this T & T or T & A? And the right one looks bigger.
The footage of the pageant shows that Tricia looked great (who wouldn’t with paid-for boobs?) and although she had fun, she didn’t place. Oh, no ultimate supremes and their minions at the Mrs. Oklahoma pageant? Too bad, they could make a fortune from some of these pageant moms.
Mission...accomplished. Except for winning the crown.
Then the truth comes out. Tricia says her ultimate goal is to try out for a lingerie football league. We all gotta dream, right? What this shit is wrong with this woman? I bet her husband is torn – he doesn’t want his wife running around as a tight end in garters and yet, it’s hot to see women crushing each other on the football field. Wouldn’t it just be cheaper and less potentially injuring to get Skinemax?
Tricia says participating in a pageant gave her a lot of “pageant knowledge and respect for what SamiJo enjoys.” SamiJo is 2. She enjoys pooping in her diapers, picking her nose and eating it, and drooling while new teeth come in. I doubt she has the cognitive ability to think past her fingers.
SamiJo picks up one of her pictures that looks like a Tracy Chapman album cover shot by Dorothea Lange. She doesn’t like it. “Because you look chubby?” Tricia asks. She’s two. That’s her job. But way to cripple her with body issues early.
This has been so overdone. It's just not fresh anymore, mommy.
Back with AnnaBella, she continues to be precocious as she invites us into her room, “Or as I like to call it, The Bella Suite.” They are probably going to call it that when you go to Vegas, too. She tells us she has the whole floor…well SO WHAT, I have the WHOLE HOUSE. I mean, I have to pay the mortgage and utilities and I share it with 5 dogs, but you get my point. It’s mine, you know, once I pay it off.
So AnnaBella goes through her morning routine about how she sits at her vanity, “To pull myself together in the morning…oh look, there’s three of me.” Mom asks, “What could be better?” Uh, just one of her. She’s a lot and it’s like candy…the first one is good then the following ones start to lose their utility until finally you are overstuffed and sick. More is not necessarily better.
These are a few of my favorite things...me, myself and I.
Bella has two closets, the fab and drab sides…boring day clothes (drab) and pageant clothes (fab). Don’t we all? She models one of her dresses and puts her flipper in. “I love when everybody looks at me,” she says, then into the mirror she tells herself she looks so pretty. “You go girl.” Yeah, she’s going to go either way – either become an egomaniacal beyotch with no friends and no understanding of why, or she might actually be okay. I’m giving it 60/40 for the ego.
Back with Tricia – and by the way, I love all the dead animal pelts all over the house. Look, I get that people hunt, Crabby Daddy goes deer hunting and so from a logical perspective I get it but damn, poor Bambi! Of course, ask me if I worry about the cow when I’m eating a good steak, so that’s pretty hypocritical. But it’s hilarious to see like raccoon skin just draped over the dining room chair. Only 7 more to go before you have a full set!
How many animals died for that dining room?
Dad Sam asks how much Tricia spends on the pageants. Well, take the amount of money you make from the turtle farm, subtract living expenses, then check your bank balance against what SHOULD be in there and that’s your pageant fee.
Tricia gets coy and says she doesn’t know but her pageant was WAY more than SamiJo’s. Yeah, the boob job probably pushed the cost through the roof. Tricia interviews that her husband hasn’t really known the cost of the pageants, and “That’s probably why he hasn’t cut us off yet,” she says. Does that tell you anything, Tricia? Like maybe he does deserve to know what you are spending on this nonsense?
She tells Sam (ah, part of SamiJo?) that her pageant fees are twice what SamiJo’s are and dad counters with she has to get a new dress for SamiJo each time. She argues that isn’t really true, then interviews that they’ve spent about $3000 for this pageant and perhaps more as they get closer.
Woman, are you shitting me?
Sam, being the sane one in the family, says he thinks pageants are a waste of money. Bet he enjoys those new boobs, though!
Tricia tells him that since they’ve started pageants and including her pageant, they’ve spent maybe $30,000. Okay, they’ve spent $3000 on this pageant alone, and they’ve done more than 10 pageants with SamiJo PLUS Tricia’s pageant. Sam ain’t buying it.
“Your pageant was $12,000,” he says and she says it didn’t but he reminds her of the “boob job.” Heh. I knew that would come back to smack you in both of your eyes. He estimates they have spent $100,000. Hooooly shit. That’s a college education. That’s retirement money. That’s a good chunk of money towards a house. What the hell? He interviews that his gut hurt when he found out how expensive these were. “It really irritates me,” he says. He recommends doing two a year. Tricia no likey and he gives in and says, “You get whatever you want anyway.” Spoken like a husband, what can you do?
Back with The Bad Seed, Candice is “asking” Alexes to go get her haircut – and oh, by the way, it is totally light out so clearly it was a lie when she commented they got her haircut at 10pm. She’s getting her haircut AT HOME in the bathroom AND YOU CAN SEE THE LIGHT COMING INTO THE BATHROOM FROM OUTSIDE.
Because Alexes is such a little beyotch, two people have to tag-team her haircut, Justin and Crytal. Those poor people better be getting a Christmas bonus, especially since they have firsthand knowledge of her scalp condition.
Damien’s scalp or Alexes’? You be the judge. Also, I find it hilarious when you type in “Mark of the beast on damien’s scalp” you also get pictures of recent presidents, soccer players and Jell-O dishes. Hmm.
So Alexes immediately starts screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO!” and waving her arms around like she does every time she’s on camera. Dad holds her tight and she elbows him in the chest. Crystal says Alexes is tired so she’s acting like a diva. No, she’s acting like a full-on brat. She keeps screaming no (because her vocabulary is just that developed) and she keeps pulling off the haircutting smock. “You’re not being very niiiice,” Candice says. You know what would be nice? A swift kick to her ass. Let me get my boots.
Or simply choose from my mother’s repertoire of discipline.
Justin winces as Rosemary’s Baby keeps whining and ripping off the smock, then Candice asks if she wants a piece of chicken. So they give her chicken, which is sooo sanitary when having your haircut, and Candice says, “Sissy, look in the mirror at how pretty you look.” Yes, because your ugly is on the inside. She motions with her hand and screams, “Get away!” I guess to the production crew. Honey, if they weren’t getting paid, they sure as shit would not be there. Crystal calls her a little princess. One we are seeing next Tuesday.
It's like her dad's arms are holy water.
Candice says, “Can you tell them thank you for coming out here to do your hair?” Is she shitting us? So what does the not-so-functionally literate minion say? Say it with me, readers: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Awesome. Where, WHERE do I sign up for this shit?
Justin, knowing he will never be coming back here unless under threat, says, “You’re welcome.” I think the “You. Little. BITCH.” Is implied. Or being said by him in the car on the way home.
Broken Arrow's hottest new club is BIIIIIIIIITCH.
AnnaBella wants to practice her Elvis routine. She has a big Elvis box that she uses and she’s really good. Kid loves to practice and she’s pretty funny. You know what else? She’s not a raging bitch, Candice. Damn, she even has the voice down. Heh.
This is very different from Tricia's nipple fingers.
SamiJo is at the salon getting a gloss treatment for the few wisps of hair she does have. Unlike the Satan of Broken Arrow, SamiJo is pretty good. She whines a little because the gloss is wet and cold and Tricia and the stylist both comfort her.
“SamiJo’s favorite word is ‘No,’” Tricia says. If you only knew what was going on at Candice’s house! They try to put one of those plastic caps on her head and she’ll have none of it. I get it; you don’t want to look like an old lady at the beauty shop, do you? She pouts but it’s hilarious because she’s QUIET about it. Tricia tells us there is “SamiJo time” and she won’t do things until she’s good and ready. I am totally in touch with that. They rinse out her hair and she whines more, but those sinks hurt your neck, period. She drops her sucker on the floor, picks it up and puts it in her mouth. Nice and sanitary once again.
I'm not 80, get that off of me!
Pageant Day! This should be LOADS of fun!
And it starts off with a bang, apparently.
Frosted-tipped emcee is back and ready to go. Tonya tells us that “anything goes” during the American Wear, then we see one little kid sporting a Native American costume. Awwwkward for those of us familiar with the whole blanket/smallpox situation.
Schweeet! The power and glory of rhinestones!
Tonya says kids will be wearing red, white and blue, dressed as military personnel (don’t ask, don’t tell for the boy contestants!) and “the best that America has to offer.” Oy, Tonya, are you sure about that last part? Although I’m loving those earrings – nice glitz touch! Also, those crowns with the red stars…where do I pick up one of those? And did you get one with horns just in case Damien Alexes Omen wins?
Tonya has to go through the rigmarole of telling us about each of the girls…she says SamiJo is a top glitz competitor and says, “There’s nothing she wouldn’t try to get her daughter ultimate grand supreme,” which makes me snicker the way bitchy women snicker about other women right before we make some snide comment about kneepads and cold sores.
Tonya continues saying Alexes is new to the pageant world, which is code for “I heard this kid is a horrible brat and if you can’t say something nice about someone, it’s time to move on to competitor number three.”
AnnaBella shows up in an SUV followed by U-Haul trailer, I’m assuming for her ego. Or hot rollers. It’s a toss up.
Canice tells Alexes, “Let’s roll your hair,” to which Alexes replies…OMG, seriously, get some new words for the negative. How about “Nein!” That seems like it might suit her better.
Why didn't I wear a condom, WHY GOD?
“Alexes started off really cranky,” Canice says. How can you tell? “Leave me ALONE!” she screams. Jesus, what a f#cking brat this kid is! I mean how do you live with this? She screams at the top of her lungs and duct tape seems to be the one thing they forgot to bring.
“Alexes is kinda stressing me out,” Candice says. Well join the club! As she’s trying to get Alexes ready for the pageant, she says, “This is fuuun.” “NOOOO this is NOT FUN!” Alexes whines. Quality time. She whines and cries and is completely incomprehensible because well, that’s who she is. Kindergarten is going to be a joy. I bet every teacher in the district has a resume out to avoid “negotiating” with this kid.
Are you sure it's not fun?
Makeup artist/hair stylist Jamie from previous shows is working on both the ‘tard (Alexes) and the non-cripple (SamiJo) today. Lucky lady. Could you not find work gutting fish? At least they are quiet. Alexes – I know, this will shock you – WHINES through the whole things. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this kid? I’ll check WebMd and see what they say.
Jamie holds the can of hairspray like a baseball bat and pretends to hit Alexes. Why pretend? And why not use a real bat? Let me see if I can find you one…
And I will be your alibi.
Candice blames Alexes being stressed out because she herself is stressed. Maybe you are ovulating and the thought of bringing another Devil’s spawn into the world is what is so disturbing to you. I’d highly recommend staying away from the Red Bull today.
Jamie tells her she can see her eyes tearing up. It’s probably because her eardrums have started to bleed from all the noise her spawn is making.
With SamiJo, things are going a little better. Tricia tells us that SamiJo is not a morning person – I hear that - but she keeps her whining to a minimum.
Geeettttt ouuuuuut.
SamiJo’s godmother, the unfortunately spelled “Whitnei” is there to provide moral support. She says SamiJo was unusually cranky today. Compared to Alexes, this kid is GOLDEN.
Is this supposed to calm her down? Because really, it's kind of scary.
AnnaBella is ON and she says she’s pretty happy. Dad Kris calls her “fierce” and a tough competitor that none of the other girls want to compete against (do I need to add “bitch” here since I’m ending in a preposition?). “It’s like going up against the 1990 Cowboys,” he says, knowing most of us are going to have to take him at his word.
Kris is very picky on AnnaBella’s hair and makeup and wants her to be perfect. Has he met David Perez? Maybe they could swap pointers.
And holy shit, who brought the neighborhood bully? Put her on Alexes watch.
Beauty competition is first and Tonya says they are looking for a “facially gifted” child. Too bad they aren’t looking for a “negative Nelly,” Alexes would sweep the awards. She would probably also get “spacially gifted” if that were a category, seeing how she’s all over the place like a squid on meth.
One pageant judge says she’s looking for someone she can just “take home and put on the shelf.” Add the phrase, “In my basement” and you have just echoed the sentiments of every pedophile watching this show.
Please, get the damn paparazzi out of here NOW!
Still getting ready is SamiJo and her beauty dress has just arrived – they had to get a new one at the beginning of the week (great planning, I’m sure that was cheap). Unfortunately, one of the shoulders was not sewn correctly, so in their infinite wisdom, they just tear it off instead of trim it with scissors or pin it. It looks unfinished. Oh, and way to wait until the last minute to order the dress and then try it on. Duh!
OMG, is that Gwyneth's head in a box again? This episode just keeps on giving!
SamiJo is up first and Whitnei takes her onstage. She’s a cute kid, very pretty eyes, and she works it onstage.
Seriously...cute!
She does a pretty good job for a two year old and Tricia is thrilled. Rut-roh, one of the judges notices that her dress was “broken” in the back… “It wasn’t quite right.” Catastrophe!
Luckily, this guy is available for birthday parties, weddings and sperm donations.
Alexes is in the pageant room screaming “no” per her usual agreement with what little IQ she clearly has and Candice says, “You’re fixin’ to go onstage.” Like that’s going to shut her up. Candice says she doesn’t know how it’s going to go and it’s making her nervous. Really? You really don’t know how this is going to go? Because I think she’s going to suuuuuck it bigtime.
Of course, they have to “negotiate/bribe” their little monster, so they offer to buy her a stuffed toy dog if she does “really good onstage,” grammar be damned. You know even if she sucks, they’re going to buy it for her. Pussssieeeeess.
Candice and Leo ask her to do pretty feet and hands and instead she stomps her foot like Mr. Ed. “Do you want that puppy?” they ask. Please don’t ever get her a real one; you’ll have tons of vet bills. Call it a hunch. And animal abuse. Also, you should probably hide any matches in your house.
Alexes is up next and she walks onstage slumped over, then looks confused like she has no idea where she is. She stumbles forward, then squats like she needs to pee. She stomps her feet and something is really off with that kid, like SERIOUSLY. It’s not ADD but more like she cannot focus and not because she needs glasses. It’s weird. Candice runs to the back of the room to get the puppy and she shakes it like a maraca to get Alexes’ attention. Kid looks like a zombie. Money well spent. Let's go to the tape:
Ahhhh...derrrr...where am I?
Crapping onstage...a typical rookie mistake. If you are 1.
Mr. Ed would be proud.
And now we know where she gets her "NOOOOOOOO!" vocabulary.
Walking back to their room, Alexes asks for her puppy and Candice says she didn’t do her routine, so no puppy. Wow, way to grow a pair, Candice. I have no doubt you’ll be Lance Armstrong-ing it by the end of the show.
Next up is AnnaBella and she’s ready to go. She and Nicole do some sort of gang handshake and it’s clear they really love doing these pageants.
AnnaBella looks great and does everything right. Also, her favorite foods are mac and cheese and corn. She needs to stop by here for dinner sometime. And her dream is to be a star on Days of Our Lives – ha! She says she knows she did fabulous onstage. A little humility, please. “The judges liked me,” she whispers to her mother.” Judges call her flawless.
Hand her the crown and let's go for tequila and nachos with Tonya.
American Wear is up next. Tricia tells us SamiJo’s dress is old-school with hoops, lots of stars and stripes, then she says they’ve never tried it on before, which is NOT true – I even rewound the DVR to see if that was the dress she was practicing in and she was. So I’m going to call BULLSHIT on that excuse considering the hot mess of epic proportions that is about to happen.
Whitnei takes SamiJo onstage and she starts running around then manages to trip on the front of her dress which is hanging down a couple of inches too much – plus with the hoop, it swishes around to make it nothing but an obstacle. Whitnei picks her up. Then she walks forward to the next X and she trips AGAIN. Then she goes back to the last X and trips a THIRD time! Running off the stage, she trips a FOURTH TIME and Tricia has to be bleeped out a couple of times.
And a one, and a two, and a three, and a four...pull her off the stage already!
She hopes the judges don’t count against her for that. Hope is not a strategy, Tricia.
Way to be mature about the hoop, like it’s completely to blame.
“For American Wear, she’s going to be performing Sandy in Grease,” Candice tells us, completely contradicting her erratic, grammar-killing comment she left the other day when she said Sandy was for Outfit of Choice. Seriously, Candice, maybe the therapist can give you and Alexes a group rate. Take Leo for good measure. Or just for wearing the T-Birds jacket.
In the pageant room, Candice says, “Do you want to get that puppy? Then focus.” Good luck with that! Candice says Alexes was wild with her beauty walk so she’s “not sure” how it’s going to go today. It’s going to suck, that’s how it’s going to go. Are you not paying attention?
And this is one of the best scenes I have ever seen in T&T history, I swear to God. Alexes has the zombie dead-eye thing going on, then on the side of the “Shake Shack” prop there is one of those optical illusion spinning wheels that suddenly becomes Alexes’ Quicker-Tripper-Upper™. She spins it and stares at it, then spins and stares and spins and stares and spins and stares and spins and stares. People laugh and Candice looks like she’s going to vomit.
Completely hypnotized, Alexes no longer feels the need to smoke or overeat. Also? Weeeeeee!
Candice completely justifies this f#ck up by saying this routine was like nobody else’s (probably because THEY practiced) and she said people must have loved it because they were laughing. Oh, honey, they were laughing AT you, not WITH you. Big dif.
And I'm in complete denial of what a colossal twat my daughter really is.
“Good job!” Candice says, then interviews that Alexes did get the puppy because, “I feel like she earned it? [Why are you making that a question?] Even though she didn’t do the routine she was supposed to do.” So she was rewarded for incorrect behavior. Totally brill, Candice. What a great human being you are raising.
And she looks completely strung out, so extra good job.
Let’s get to someone GOOD, AnnaBella, who gets up and does a great Elvis routine. Ego or no, kid knows her routine. And you don’t see her sitting and spinning. At the end of the routine, she says, “Elvis has left the building.” Yeah, I think he did after Alexes’ shit-can performance.
Seriously, crown her and pass me a drink.
Crowning! Tricia is freaking out because SamiJo channeled me when I had vertigo and went headfirst into everything. Luckily, I didn’t do it onstage. Tricia isn’t sure how this is going to affect SamiJo. I will say badly unless you paid for another category for her to win. So I’m sure she’s going to win.
As an aside, I totally love this shirt for some reason...but I could never pull it off because of my hatred for leggings.
First up, the 2-3 year olds, and Candice has the balls to say she’s not sure what Alexes will win, but it will be something big. Like 4-10 at the state penitentiary? Oh shit, SamiJo’s in that group. Fight! Fight!
Divisional Queen…not our girls, which means they each pulled for a higher title. Are you shitting me? How did Alexes make it further? Unless there is a pity award. Tonya, any chance you can put the tally sheets online somewhere? Ah, that might ruin you as a pageant director and we need your comments here. Nevermind (just send them the TVGasm staff).
Chew on this sedative gum. That might shut you up. Finally.
Next is AnnaBella’s group…Divisional Queen…not AnnaBella! Man, they are just moving this along.
Supreme titles next. Candice is freaking out and they’ve told her if she wins they will get her a surprise or chocolate. If she gets a supreme, they’re going to need to get me a drink.
Overall American Wear…Alexes! Are you kidding me? Man, those judges really don’t know what the shit they are doing. Candice says she agrees with the judges however since she’s “my child, I think she’s perfect.” A perfect little demon. Was anyone else shocked she got this? Did the other kids suck that badly?
In the words of Alexes....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now someone needs to get ME a Build-A-Bullshit Bear.
Novice Supreme…not our girls…Tricia is thrilled…Beauty Photo Supreme…SamiJo! Because at least she was upright in the photo. Also, is this really a win when you pay for the extra supreme wins and the photos are Photoshopped beyond all recognition? Tricia says it means her child is really above all the others and they especially like the photo win because of all of her modeling. Whatever justifies the spend.
Best award money could buy you!
Grand supreme…not AnnaBella, which means the ultimate grand supreme with pineapple and Canadian ham goes to…AnnaBella! Well, she definitely earned it if for no other reason than she stayed vertical and didn’t get hypnotized! She is thrilled and her family is so happy for her. Nicole says she just wants AnnaBella “not to be a brat.” She’s not. And I hope Candice heard that.
Now we can go drink - on AnnaBella since she won the big bucks!
Tricia says they are going to keep SamiJo modeling but she and Whitnei are trying out for the lingerie football league in the Spring. Where’s the recap on that show? Somebody get on that!
And maybe Candice was right, the production company DOESN'T let anyone eat.
Alexes, on the other hand, is leaning forward and making loud “aaaaahhhhh” noises that make it clear that this kid isn’t right. I’m not a medical doctor, nor do I play one on TVGasm, but I’m willing to bet the Mayo Clinic has some answers about Alexes.
I am Sam 3: Tarded-er!
“Alexes is excited about doing pageants and she can’t wait to do another one,” Candice says as we see footage of Alexes trying to wiggle out of her dad’s arms yelling, “Let me go!” Yeah, kid’s got a real passion for pageants, that’s for sure not at all.
“We will be going for total glitz from now on,” Candice says, completely oblivious to the fact that her daughter hates pageants.
“I’m a bat!” Alexes says. “Squeak! Squeak!” Yeah, she’s got a grip on reality.
Well, it certainly felt like you sucked the life from all of us!
“Time to get my party on and go spend all this money,” AnnaBella says with the $410 she won. “I’m gonna buy a flat-screen with it.” Be sure to watch T&T when you get it.
Alexes and Candice, if I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again with this motivational poster.
Next week? Toddler vs. toddler. Hope there’s nose-picking and blood, not in that order, though.
Enjoy last week's full recap of Chooky Moves or this past week's minicap of Cand-ass nonsense in comments - especially fun if you are an English teacher. To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!
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