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Pageant Director Maxine Tinnel is back for our premiere episode of Toddlers & Tiaras and the Southern Celebrity Glitzmas Pageant, being held in New Jersey. I didn’t get that either, but at least Maxine looks less suicidal than previous episodes.
L0oks like her meds have kicked in!
Hey! There’s Berkeley! Did she finally get a full-face wax? It’s a Christmas miracle! Good for you, Tiny Him.
Or maybe the family cat just coughed something up.
First up, in Williamstown, New Jersey, we meet the official trying-not-to-be-white-trash-family-but-oops! Katie is mom to Bob, 6, and Riley, 5, kids who look like extras in David Copperfield. Riley yells that she’s going to win this first glitz pageant. Turns out, these kids are normally in natural pageants, although I find it hard to believe they’d be winning anything there, either. They are cute, just not pageant cute.
And Bob is searching the heavens for a good tailor.
Katie tells us Riley has been in 75-100 pageants, but this is their first glitz pageant. She tries to put eyelashes on Riley and Riley interviews that “beauty hurts…which means when mom tries to put something on you, it hurts.” More mother-daughter quality time.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Katie needed a bra fitting immediately.
Bob is a pretty cute kid, save for that stupid-ass rat tail that reaches to his belly. He really just wants to be loved and why? Katie interviews that when she was pregnant and found out she was having a boy, she was very disappointed, “Because I actually had the children so we could do pageants.” That’s right. This woman’s life was so bereft of any value that she thought having kids so she could parade them around like poodles without preparing them for the real world was a good idea. And this is why we have 7 billion people in the world today.
Then she found out boys could do pageants and all was right with the world again. Bob lets Katie put eyelashes on him and Katie admits that Bob went through a phase where he wore dresses and they just “went with it.” I’m going to give them a good-parent pass on that…a lot of boys go through that phase, including my own brother, but that’s because my dress up closet KICKED ASS compared to whatever toys he had at that time. What can I say, the women who donated to my closet had great taste before giving up their will to live and passing their clothes and accessories to me.
In Montebello, New York, we meet our Richie Riches of the episode and the attitude that goes with it. Mom Lauren says she makes sure three-year-old Laila has the best of everything to be prepared for the pageant.
Including special effects - Laila looks almost real!
Laila has won a lot of supreme awards in her short life and they stay on top of “new clothes, new trends and pictures…and we practice.” Yes, they do. Laila throws a little attitude but nothing on a Ni-Ni level, which is sort of too bad for the viewers.
And once again we must endure the beige sweater over white shirt syndrome of the suburbs.
On the other side of the tracks from the Riches, in Chester, Pennsylvania, we meet mom Crystal and nine-year-old Anna-Maria, who calls herself a “drama queen” but is actually a pretty good kid. Mom Crystal gets the stereotypical sassy black woman headbob going when she says that her daughter is a star, “And that’s S-T-A-double-R.” Adding the extra R just makes you look stupid, not more valuable.
Crystal is that never-before-seen combination of black and sassy. How original!
Anna-Maria says she’s won, “Fifty…twenty…ten…I don’t know,” awards while mom drills her on what she won where. She tells us that when she doesn’t win a pageant, she gets mad and realizes, “Oh, wow, this pageant is a lie.” Greeeat sportsmanship…if you don’t win, it’s someone else’s fault. You know she’s getting that idea from Crystal. Enjoy the real world.
Clearly Anna-Maria is also getting the CGI treatment. It's like Avatar!
Crystal tells us that Anna-Maria is bossy and a drama queen, but I think she’s really talking about herself. And why are those good qualities? When did being a diva become something to aspire to? Crystal says Anna-Maria is the prettiest little girl she’s ever seen. “She’s my star, she’s the icing…” and she breaks down crying, “Oh my God I absolutely love her.” Get. A grip.
Back in Montebello, Lauren pulls out Laila’s Christmaswear which is a Rockettes costume. “I think money plays a role in winning,” she says. Yeah, that works EVERYWHERE, not just pageants. She says they have the best clothes, the best designers, top hair and makeup people. “We don’t scrimp.” If only you used top tutors, too, but whatever. Way to build a future trophy wife.
“I’ve seen people come out in dresses that are just…outdated,” she says. And we will this episode too. “People complain they don’t win, but they can afford to get what they need to get to be fully prepared,” she says. You know, it’s true. Only rich people should be allowed to enjoy things because they can afford to. The rest of us should just shut it and work their parties.
Back in Williamstown, I will give props to Katie and her husband for dousing their front yard in every holiday decoration they can find. Now, as a single career gal, I’m pretty much a white-lights and classic red ribbons and garlands, but I think if you have kids you should totally trash the house up with as many cool lights and decorations as possible – those were my favorite houses growing up and think they are so much fun for the kids. So…nice job.
Kim's house of Christmas chaos is a big hit with the pre-school and recappers alike!
However, a big whack with a wet noodle on not practicing correctly for this pageant. Riley’s idea of training is swinging back and forth while Katie tells us Riley is “serious” about winning this pageant. The only X they have marked for pageants is the one on the table. Bad news…there will be several Xs, you will have probably 90 seconds onstage, and if you don’t practice what you are supposed to do now, you will be a hot mess when you get there. I’m sort of shocked that Katie either hasn’t watch the show or isn’t familiar with how pageants work (don’t they do this in natural, too?). The routine is pretty specific and I could do it in my sleep just from watching T&T.
Another quality Saturday afternoon.
Riley says when she loses, “My heart is very small and black.” What the hell would possess a five year old to say that? Vacay Bible school? Yikes.
The one kid in the world who does not fear Dementors.
Katie tells us she gets very stressed about every little detail, which is funny because clearly she doesn’t on her own appearance. Her hair is all over the place, and she looks like she hasn’t slept in years. Again, moms, at what point do you give up? You might want to make the day ahead on your calendar so you can stop that from happening.
Katie tells us that her husband is the complete opposite and he goofs around a lot. Dad Robert tells Riley to show him the monster face she’s not allowed to do onstage. Katie freaks while Robert laughs and the more serious she gets, the more Robert and Riley laugh.
Riley practices for a different pageant.
Back in Chester, a town with lots of street banners for Christmas, Crystal tells us that Anna-Maria’s desire to be Miss America is something she instilled in her. Well duh, where else is she going to get that? She admits it’s kind of a brain-washing thing and it’s probably bad to brain-wash your kids, “But maybe one day she WILL be Miss America one day…the next BLACK Miss America.” OMG is she black? Nothing gave that away.
And Anna-Maria is totally pissed about Dateline showing up early. She is sooo not ready for her close-up.
Back in Williamstown, Katie tells us to cut costs, she makes a lot of the “costumes” the kids wear herself. Then why don’t those clothes fit your kids? They are swimming in everything we’ve seen them in so far. Rich Lauren judges you harshly for your budget-conscious ways.
Bob loves the color green so Katie added green rhinestones all over his tux and changed the beads on his tail to match his outfit. They are now red and green and really make that single shock of hair so much more appetizing. “I now have fresh, new pageant power!” Bob says, whipping his tail with his hands like a whip. Please get this kid into T-ball.
Bob better avoid all Delilahs around the neighborhood!
Katie practices with Bob and has him come into the room, step up on the X on the coffee table and turn. She says when he cuts the tail off, she’s going to put it in her jewelry box. Probably right next to the necklace made of the kids’ teeth.
“My tail helps me become the king of pageants,” Bob says, pulling it across his forehead and wiping the rest of his long hair out of his face. They’re going to get him a haircut before the pageant, right?
“Bigger smiles, Bob, fierce! Fierce!” Katie says to him. Fierce? She interviews that a lot of their language comes from drag and she and Robert watch a lot of drag shows. Again, this seems pretty forward-thinking for these people and I like their open-mindedness. It’s sort of surprising. At the same time, that is the completely wrong idea for pageants.
“We take a lot of our inspiration from RuPaul,” Katie says. Wait, WHAT? Are you kidding me? “He’s our favorite Queen.” Suddenly, somewhere in Arizona, J-Mo’s ears just perked up wondering if he could choreograph Riley and Bob. I wish! They’d totally sweep the competition!
Katie and Robert continue to “coach” Riley and it’s just terrible. They tell her to walk onstage like she owns everything. What kind of training is that? Put the damn Xs on the FLOOR! You are sooo not preparing these kids for these pageants, let alone life.
Katie says the drag queens tell them to be fierce and not to worry about what other people think, because what other people think of you is “none of your business.” What about what the pageant judges think? Isn’t that kind of your business? Also, I think what drag queens may have to deal with in life may be a leeeetle different than what pageant kids do.
Back with Crystal, she says, “I like to say Anna-Maria is bi-racial, her father is Italian.” And since he’s white, she IS bi-racial. “Black girls have a little sauciness to them and white girls know how to do the poise, so that gives her a little bit of an edge,” Crystal says. So now sauciness and poise are genetically coded to your skin color? Wow, stem cell research is AMAZING.
Crystal tells Anna-Maria, “This is the first time your dad saw you in one of these outfits, and he saw these thigh-high stockings, and he went craaaaazzzzy.” Turns out, dad was not pleased AT ALL about seeing his daughter totally hooched-up. BECAUSE HE IS A GOOD DAD who knows he needs to keep his girl OFF THE POLE.
And here is just the best story of the whole episode. “My husband does not approve of pageants,” Crystal says.
Or smiling in pictures...
“It put a strain on our relationship.” They separated once because he didn’t like the fact that Crystal chose doing pageants over the two of them doing things and he said he’d leave if things didn’t change. “I was like, ‘Bye,’” Crystal says. So you chose doing pageants with your daughter over your spousal relationship? Holy shit!
That is just too much to take.
“But he can’t live without me, so he came back,” Crystal says, doing the headbob thing. Yeah, he probably saw the alimony estimates and figured it would be cheaper to stick around to make sure his daughter grows up well while he secretly bangs other women to make up for your irritating “sauciness.”
Crystal spray tans Anna-Maria because she says she’ll be the lightest one up there if she doesn’t. Have you seen Laila? Kid is a ghost. The tanning is a hot mess of sponging the streaky brown liquid, always the highlight of any weekend. Crystal says she’s not a crazy pageant mom, she just knows what it takes to get what she wants. I’m sorry, who is the diva in this family?
Back with Richie Rich, Lauren interviews that Laila loves ballet and Laila says, “No I don’t!” and Lauren cracks up. “I don’t like ballet!” she says again, off camera.
Laila practices with teacher, “Debbie, of Debbie’s Dance.” More like Debbie Downer’s Dance. I’m guessing Debbie never made it to professional ballet dancer because of the milkshakes, and believe me, I’m right there with her.
“I think the pageants are great, if the children are really into it,” she says. Does she know something we all seem to know? Laila yawns through her whole practice. Must make Debbie feel great about her life choice.
Looks like me in most of my meetings...and what the hell is up with the doll in the background? Did it commit suicide?
Lauren tells us Laila’s strengths are her ability to know what to do onstage and when to turn it on. “She usually does very well.” That’s because you’re rich, right?
Why is her hair a football helmet? To protect her in a car crash?
Anna-Maria has pageant coach Ryann helping her with her routine. Coach Ryann has been competing in pageants since she was 13 – wow, come late to the party much? – and has been coaching Anna-Maria for 6 months. Anna-Maria says it’s more fun practicing with her coach than with her mom. Your teen years are going to be the same, honey.
Anna-Maria’s talent is hula-hooping and Crystal wants her to stay active. “You gotta stay skinny if you want to stay in pageants.” “I don’t want her to be fat like me,” Crystal says, taking the comment away from the recapper. Also, why don’t you grab a hula-hoop? It’s the new workout craze!
The hula-hoops are actually a time-machine!
White trash alert! Riley introduces her dog Bella who is wearing a diaper. It’s a huge sheepdog wearing a human diaper. “She has to be diapered so she doesn’t make a mess all over the house,” Katie says. You know what else helps that? Training your damn dog! She didn’t mention if the dog had any conditions, so I’m guessing the problem in the house is laziness.
As a dog owner, I'm calling what the shit? on this.
“I will kill myself making sure our house looks like it stepped out of a magazine,” Katie says, as the crack production team shows us shots of a kitchen that looks like it’s out of Hoarders, and Smelly Cat drinking leftover liquid in a cup on the counter. Their house is a mess of clutter, dirty dishes, tchotchkes, and trinkets you buy at the cash register counter at the gas station. House Beautiful, here they come!
Martha Stewart just rolled over in her grave.
Speaking of hot messes, Katie home schools the kids so they can have more time to be with them. Bob can barely say the word “web” and he doesn’t know how to read the word “cake.” He’s 6. Now, I don’t have kids, but I asked around to colleagues who are shackled to children and they kind of thought a 6 year old should know how to read the word cake. How else do you order dessert at a restaurant?
Katie admits that she waited a long time to have kids (career, or did you not find that special someone to settle for? I’m going with the latter) and she doesn’t want to miss a minute of their lives.
Then things take a turn for the even creepier. “I don’t want to go to school because the teacher might be mean. She might throw me in a locker…and put a bat, a rat and a vampire in there…and I’ll be passed out,” Riley says. Now where in the world did she learn that shit, Katie? You know, at some point, she is probably going to have to go to school because Katie doesn’t really give off a strong algebra or Shakespeare vibe to me and probably won’t be able to keep up with the curriculum herself. How is she going to get Riley to go then?
Katie says she’s not worried about the kids being socialized as she explains the quantity 5 to Bob. You might be worried they aren’t going to be productive members of society. Katie says they take the kids to pageants and they have taken them to several drag shows – because that is so appropriate for little kids – and admits to having Riley perform “Pokerface” on the bar at Applebee’s. You hear someone from the production team (with a sense of decorum, I’m guessing) say, “What?!?!” and they rewind the footage so we can hear that horrific sentence again.
“It’s not like people threw dollars at her or anything, you know. She’s not a stripper,” Katie says. Yet.
I'm back here again.
See, here’s the thing about Katie that is so sad. She thinks that is funny and acceptable. I think deep down, she knows that’s not right, but she doesn’t seem to have the cognitive ability to decipher the difference between what she’s doing and what it really means to have class and poise. She sees it all the time, but cannot figure out how to make that leap from what she is to who she deep down wants to be – the house comment was enough to show she just doesn’t get it. The chasm between who she is and who she wants to be requires more than her ability allows. And she just doesn’t get it and never will, and she’ll never know really understand why. It is kind of tragic if you think about it, so let’s not and instead move on to…
Pageant day in East Hanover, New Jersey! There are 40 contestants so at least it will be a quick and lackluster competition. Pageant Director Maxine says they are very excited to see what the difference is between the north and the south. Uh, we don’t fly a flag for a war we lost, our tea is less sweet and we somehow find it acceptable to be buried under freezing cold weather for months out the year. So basically, we’re kind of just as boneheaded everywhere else in this country.
While Riley is getting her hair and makeup done, Katie interviews that she’s not sure if Riley knows the difference between natural and glitz, but she’s wanted to do glitz since she found out it existed. Isn’t that why she decided to be born? To do glitz? “Maybe I can win this first glitz pageant,” Riley says. Let’s hold that thought.
Riley looks cute – the hairpiece is huge and works – but the dress is just off…it’s too big on her and looks a little glitter-glued up. Katie says she hardly believes it’s her daughter (mostly because Katie hasn’t showered in months, let alone dressed in something other than sweats) and that Riley looks different from the kid who “slops around in the mud.” Don’t worry, she’ll still act that way including onstage.
Crystal has some kind of hair growth on her crown as she says she’s going to make Anna-Maria’s eyes pop and hair stay on. At least you have an achievable goal in life.
I'd seriously consider getting that thing looked at by the end of the week.
“I don’t want to compare pageants to a dog show,” she says, about to compare pageants to a dog show, “but mine is prettier than yours.” I hope she’s talking about Anna-Maria.
Laila is pissing and moaning and whining and crying and truly she hates pageants. Lauren just can’t see because she’s surrounded by all that money and it blocks her view.
Losing it...momentarily. Meh, they are all basically good kids this episode.
Pageant emcee Justin is ready to get this party started and only needs a pinky ring to go with his demeanor.
I'm going to start off with a rendition of Mr. Tony Bennett's "I Left My Heart in San Francisco..."
First up is a girl with ginormo caterpillar eyebrows. Is Ronco out of the ShamBrow™?
You could warm the entire state of New Jersey with a blanket knitted from those things!
Hey! It’s pageant director-now pageant judge Betty Burns, once again wearing age-inappropriate clothing and over-accessorizing. Betty, seriously, reel it in a notch and tune into What Not To Wear, they will help you lose about 20 pounds and look younger merely by dressing appropriately, I promise.
And looking like Queen E doesn't help.
Crystal says Anna-Maria has the potential to win this pageant (don’t we all, if you think about it?), but her bi-racial doppelganger is also competing and girl, she looks just like Anna-Maria except taller, thinner and more poised. Oh crap! Battle of the bi-racial beauties!
One of these things is just like the other!
Bob and Riley are ready to go as Katie yells at Bob to stop stepping on his feet or they’ll have to “take you to the doctor to get your feet fixed!” Can’t wait until she starts home-teaching health and biology! Robert seems like a really nice guy and interviews that his wife is a nervous wreck.
It's like one of those Walmart Customer photos.
Little Girl Division is up first, and this includes Laila…and Berkeley! She’s still in that odd fleshy/coppery colored dress and her hairline is still encroaching on her face, but damn, she’ll have that head of hair until she dies. Thanks dad, who went to school where again? God, it’s so hard to remember.
Some other girl has an unfortunate brown and white dress that basically looks like she wiped well before she got onstage. Moms, please, keep it in the girl color family – pink, purple, lavender, hot pink, fuchsia, rose-colored, salmon, more pink, coral, pink and pink.
Laila is up and she does look very pageant-y. She does okay but I don’t think her heart is in it. Lauren is really happy and the judges like her because she’s that blonde/blue-eye whole package they look for.
And I believe she it plugged into the outlet behind the stage.
Next up is the 4 to 5 year old girls and Katie’s brilliant coaching includes, “You have to watch what the other girls do and do that because mommy’s never done this pageant before.” Have you seen this show? Have you checked pageant websites? Did it ever occur to you to PREPARE your kid for this more than just 30 seconds before she walks up there? Dumbass.
Yeah, we're screwed.
Katie interviews that she’s seen the other girls and “I feel a little bit out of my league.” About 20,000 leagues out of it. She tells Riley to spend a longer time up there and not to charge off. Because if there is one thing 5 year olds understand, it’s time. Riley asks if she can just do what she wants. Enjoy losing.
Riley gets onstage and she sort of stomps from one side of the stage to the other, then she turns, then goes to the next X. Katie interviews that Riley was a little shaky because she wasn’t sure which X to go to. And whose fault is that KATIE? She does okay. One of the judges says she just needs more coaching. FROM A QUALIFIED COACH.
Riley pulls a big oops out of her ass.
First up in the 8-10 years is Myah, Anna-Maria’s twin in the pageant and girl is spot-on. She is very graceful and clearly has been doing this since birth. In other words…
…NAILED IT. Good luck beating THOSE legs.
Anna-Maria, on the other hand, looks great but she has this weird swoosh and eye-blink thing that really is obvious and sort of awkward.
Has she been tested for epilepsy?
Crystal says she stays in the back of the room quietly until the production team shows us the truth – she screams WOOO! WOOO! WOOOOOO! I bet the library hates her, but she’s probably not there that often.
Guess we know where Crystal is keeping the hula-hoops.
Running off the stage, Anna-Marie asks if she deserves a cookie. Jump Fido, jump! Crystal says she picked the dress out and designed it herself (which is it?) but one of the judges says she may get some points off for the dress because her skirt was a miniskirt and not a cupcake style. Oh snap on Crystal! How did that happen?
The offending dress. See you in Hell, Anna-Maria.
Little Boy Division is up first and there aren’t that many boys…I’m guessing Bob is the only one in his age division. His hair is completely unkempt, the rattail is hanging out and his suit is about 10 sizes too big for him. So he’s a shoo-in for King!
Bob the Hobo, party of one.
Bob gets onstage and is completely confused as to where to go and where to look and basically he just doesn’t have a clue. Thanks, MOM. Also, the emcee says Bob’s hobby is decorating. The upside is, his parents will be fine with that which is awesome. If he can overcome the damage done by not being prepared for this pageant.
Bob keeps taking his hat off, looking at the audience, looking at his mother…it’s bad. He is so clearly unprepared for what to do onstage. One of the judges says the rattail probably should have been tucked in, but that it was his individual style so whatever.
Katie is trying to get them ready for Glitzmaswear and she’s glue-gunning Bob while interviewing that glitz is much more stressful than natural. Well duh, what do you do there, just let them free-range in the conference room and let the judges placed the ribbons on them, right?
“Where did my cigarette go?” Katie says, grabbing the ashtray on top of the cabinet in the hotel room. Yeah, I’m pretty sure most hotel rooms are smoke-free now, aren’t they? Also? Disgusting. You don’t want to miss out on a minute of your kids’ lives, but you smoke which is a sure way to do just that.
Budweiser, cigarettes and kids...I think we've found Katie's Christmas card photo!
Glitzmaswear. Lord. Some of these are awful. Laila gets onstage in her Rockettes outfit and she doesn’t remember her routine so she has to follow mom. She actually does pretty well.
Although why Laila’s Christmas outfit has a Menorah on it is beyond me.
“Don’t tell me moves!” Riley tells her mother, ensuring they wasted their money and a day of their smoky-lung filled lives. “You’re not going to screw it up, right?” Katie asks. I think that’s a given, Katie.
Riley gets onstage with her wreath and runs from one side of the stage to the other “like a nut” Katie says. Back and forth and back and forth. Later, Riley interviews that she made up her own routine. Well, what else was she going to do when she didn’t have one in the first place? Riley says the judges were watching her but not smiling. “What kind of lunatic are you?” Katie asks. One that was not prepared, KATIE!
Riley has the participation award IN THE BAG!
And here we go. Myah is up and is doing gymnastics – and doing a great job – and Crystal kvetches that she never believed gymnastics was a modeling technique. That’s because it’s not, dumbass, it’s what Myah is doing to mop the stage floor with your daughter.
Also, Elnett is too expensive for bush, isn't it?
Crystal tells us that for Glitzmaswear, “Anna’s big brother Jeffrey is going to stand behind a snowman and throw snow.” This is going to go wrong in so many ways. Also, it’s really creepy to see a grown man hiding behind a snowman. Also, big brother? Someone explain.
Anna-Maria gets onstage and does a good job but makes too many phony and odd faces, it’s weird. But when she got to the last X, brother Jeff was supposed to throw the snow. He doesn’t because he’s not paying attention. Crystal yells JEFF! JEFF! And then he whacks Anna-Maria with a handful of snow. Oops.
Crystal is pissed because she thinks the lateness of the snow-throw threw Anna-Maria off. In the hallway, she tells Jeff that he, “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever pays attention.” Then why the hell did you put him in charge of something so important?
Jeff says his cue was when she blows the snowman a kiss. Sounds like he got some very specific instructions. Crystal says, “No…YOU messed up.” Then some dumbass behind Jeff pretends to kick him in the ass. Who the hell was that troll?
Who is this douche? Luckily, we never see him again.
Bob is up next, dressed as an elf and if that picture ever gets out, high school will be hell for him. Of course, he’ll be at home so it will just be Riley making fun of him but still.
And the Island of Misfit Toys may want to check its inventory to see if anything is missing.
Bob gets onstage and basically has the same outfit his sister has on and the same wreath and the same lack of routine. He swings the wreath around while he wears the stupidest smile…seriously, did Katie not know she should have some kind of routine put together? Is she really that stup---- nevermind.
“It wasn’t quite as refined as I would have liked it,” Katie says. Katie, the only thing refined in your life is the sugar in the cupboard.
Bob is done for the day because he is not doing talent. Riley is? Did you see her Glitzmaswear spaz-out or not?
Let me assure you, the talent of these kids is non-existent. Crystal says Anna-Maria is going to pull it out because “she always pulls it out” thatswhatshesaid. Rephrase, please.
Anna-Maria does a great job with the hula-hoops and Crystal screams through the whole thing, then screams, “BOOTY BOUNCE!” and bounce her booty she does. She says the Booty Bounce is something she taught her daughter to do and she likes the name of it. Maybe that could be her stage name when SHE’S dancing at the bar of Applebee’s.
Anna-Maria says, “That was really awkward, because my mom was like…” and she imitates her mother doing the Booty Bounce. However, she was very happy with her talent and says the competition was easy except for Myah…who totally kicks ass with more gymnastics.
And doesn't have an embarrassing mother.
Riley is getting ready for her talent dance and screams that she needs to wash her hands because they stink. Not sure what that’s all about. Probably from handling all the tobacco.
First up in talent is Laila who looks adorable in her little ballet outfit and with the blond hair and blue eyes she’s a shoo-in for some crown. Lauren interviews that she didn’t know Laila’s routine, “And apparently, neither did Laila, so we made it up.” Oops. Well, it wasn’t as smooth as it could have been and Laila gets off the stage and collapses onto the floor. “I can’t do old things!” she says. Neither can Ashton Kutcher, baa-da-bum!
Angelic Laila, followed closely by...
The devastated Laila. So many moods in so little time.
Riley gets onstage in her awfully large cowgirl outfit and she shakes all over the place. Katie is happy Riley has perked up and that she is doing some of the moves she learned from drag. Yes, it truly is a Christmas miracle.
And now she's officially stripping. That didn't take long. Thanks, folks at Applebee's!
Judge Betty says Riley needs some polish and some coaching. And a mother who has a clue.
Next up is some girl who uses a RuPaul song and Katie is PISSED. She had talked with Robert about using a RuPaul song but he didn’t think it was appropriate, so they used something “not RuPaul” and now she’s going to have to withhold what I can only imagine is quick, sloppy and bumpy sex from him for a month at least.
Katie's fiercest face is not her best look.
Judge Betty says there is “national material” at this pageant. I think she’s started drinking too early in this pageant.
Crowning! Maxine calls it the most defining moment of the day and says she’s ready to chew off her fake fingernails! No! Let Betty do that for you!
Little Girl Division first…Beauty…not Laila! Celebrity Division Queen…not Laila (and not hairy Berkeley!)! Laila pulls for a higher title. Money is paying off!
Little Boys Section…Katie wants more prizes to “add to our trophy room.” Katie says she doesn’t think Bob will win anything major. Uh, Bob is the only boy in this category judging by the footage we are seeing. I’m guessing he’s going to sweep the lack of competition. Poor Katie, she is just so dumb. The Celebrity Supreme King goes to Bob! Bob says now he is officially the king of pageants. Sure. Let’s go with that.
He's the ONLY boy up there, so I'm sensing victory was his.
Now it’s Riley’s group up and Katie tells Robert, “You know we’re getting our asses handed to us, right?” Well, given your stupidity coupled with your high interest in pageants, chances are good she’ll get something so they can sucker you into spending even more money on pageants. Let’s see how this plays out.
Most Beautiful…not Riley. Talent…not Riley. Supreme Queen…Riley! See? Riley pronounces herself the queen of glitz pageants because she doesn’t understand that if you win here, you really lose. Katie says she’s shocked they both got titles. She really is the stupidest person at that conference, isn’t she? Ripe for the pageant picking. Enjoy losing whatever savings you do have to future pageants. Why not go ahead and send your money to Lisa Fulgham now?
Katie, I know you are a newbie, so let me walk you through this...you have actually LOST.
Crystal’s group is next. Most Beautiful…Myah. Best Personality (is that code for Fat Ugly Chick Award?)…Anna-Maria. Celebrity Supreme Queen…not Myah or Anna-Maria, but they pulled for higher titles. Yay!
Supreme crowning…Talent Supreme…Anna-Maria! She wins one of the loser titles! She says she deserved a higher title. Crystal was expecting Grand Supreme. Anna-Maria says she doesn’t know why she didn’t win, but sometimes judges are different. So are talent and beauty levels, just FYI.
Why didn't you just push her down the stairs instead? It would have been less painful.
Grand Supreme 0-6…wait, what the hell happened with editing? Shouldn’t there be just one supreme…oh, forget it, these pageant people are nuts with their rules. So, Grand Supreme for the 0-6 group is…LAILA! Yay for kids with money!
For the record, she still hates ballet.
Ultimate Grand Supreme is of course, Myah with the hyah gymnastics kicks. Hey, she earned it. Crystal is pissed and says Myah won because of the gymnastics but if they had done straight modeling, Anna would have had it. I don’t actually think so. “It just burns me up inside, but I hold my tongue,” Crystal says, completely contradicting herself.
She only holds her tongue AFTER she's made her point.
Crystal says it’s only the judges’ opinions (doyee) but that in her eyes Anna-Maria is perfect. She tells Anna she loves her and she’s proud of her, which is actually good to see.
Weird, scary horror movie music plays as Katie says it was a very long, stressful day. “It was a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be,” she says. So is life that you are also not preparing your kids for.
Robert says that after today, he’s definitely a “glitz fan,” which surprised me in some ways but hook, line and sinker, huh?
“It’s a little bit more expensive, but if I have to get a second job, I will,” he says. And there it is. They got him right where they want him.
At the end, Riley and Bob say together, “The king and queen wish you a Merry Glitzmas.” Poor kids won’t know what hit them. Good one, Katie and Robert.
And now let's have some...uh...caaaa....caaaakkkke.
Next week? Something happens that changes one pageant girl’s life forever! They actually realize they have talent? Stay tuned. Until then, read previous T&T recaps or to get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page. See you next week! >
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