WEEEEEE!

Hello Gasmii, and welcome to another episode of brats and the moms who rot their teeth out, Toddlers & Tiaras.  This one is a real gem.  This is the “Queen of Hearts” pageant in Statesboro, Georgia, population, Confederates!  Pageant Director Tanisha (was she really going to be anything else with a name like that?  Maybe a nail salon receptionist) tells us that her glitz pageant lets little girls pretend to be a princess, put on makeup and have fun.  If only the moms looked at it that way.  Instead, it’s like freakin’ NASCAR with rhinestones.  More rhinestones.

No crazies...except the ones being followed on this episode.

She interviews that they don’t have “crazy pageant moms here,” or at least she hopes.  Keep hope alive, honey.  She says she likes to run a good, clean pageant.  So you are kind of the anti- Lisa Fulgham, aren’t you?

First up in Lexington, South Carolina, Gamecock territory (I just like writing Gamecock!), we meet 18 month old punching bag (just wait for it) Brystol and her completely unconnected-from-reality mother Brook, whose parents clearly don’t know how to spell the name Brook.  She is convinced Brystol will take the top title in the pageant this weekend.  Ooh, that’s gonna hurt later.

Really?  You looked at her and thought "Pageant Material!"?

Brook is one of those mothers who started her kid in pageants before she the cradle cap was gone.  She tells us that her husband, Mike, likes pageants only when they win.  Well, that’s a good attitude.  Mike tells us that “winning is everything” and “the only thing we want to do.”  His awakening?  Will be rude.

“We’re not losers by any means,” Brook tells us.  Wait for it… “When it comes to pageants and comes to winning, money is no option.”  I think you mean it is not an OBJECT, but you aren’t a loser.  Except when it comes to grammar.

And speaking of stupid, turns out Brystol’s new dress cost $4000.  That’s right.  Four THOUSAND dollars on a dress for an 18 month old.  They stay that small forever, right?  She’ll be able to wear it for awhile?

Maybe we should have spent $5,000?

Dad chimes in that pageants affect the family “money-wise” (with spending like that, should you really use the word wise?) and Brook admits her husband told her to get a job to support her pageant habit.  So Brook works four days a week so she can spend two days a week at some pageant while her kid whines and cries and pisses and moans all the live long day.  That sounds as fair as FICA.

Brook then tells us that if she had to take out a second mortgage so Brystol could win, she would.  “Am I crazy?  No.  I’m just doing what it takes to win.”  Tell that to the loan officer.

Over in Humble, Texas, we meet 2 year old Chloe and her moronic mom Sarah who immediately admits, “We don’t care what people say about us,” which is code for people are making fun of us and it hurts.  “This is what we do for our daughter and she’s gonna go and do great.”

Dad Brandon tells us that he does everything for Chloe, her routines, her practice and that he’s the “total package pageant dad.”  Aww, that’s cute.  Always good when a daughter can keep her dad around her little finger.

Sarah admits that Chloe is a daddy’s girl but it’s more than that – Chloe seems to really not like her mother too much.  Sarah tries to get Chloe to practice, but Chloe looks at her, turns around, walks to her bedroom and slams her door shut.  Been there, sister.

Yeah, I'm outta here.  Catch you on the flip side.

Sarah also admits that out of the 100+ pageants they’ve done, “Chloe only let me be around her about 5 times.”  Uh, seriously?  She’s two?  Why does she hate you so badly already?  I understand it in those tween years and certainly as a teen, but wow.  Sarah says it could be that she’s a “little more high-strung that her daddy.”  Or maybe you beat her.  Do you beat her?  Because if so, we should have drinks.

And finally, in Woodstock, Georgia, we meet 3 year old Victoria who immediately tells us she’s pretty as we see footage of her and her family feeding what I’m guessing is a pot-bellied pig or a member of one of the Real Housewives shows.

Is that your hair or do you really need some deep conditioner?

Mom Tammy says her daughter is going to be the, “queen of the judges’ hearts this weekend.”  Victoria tells us she has a beautiful smile while her brother just flat-out calls her spoiled.

Yeah, she's a total bitch.

Tammy says they started out doing pageants for mommy-daughter time, but now it’s morphed into a vicious circle of trying to win that 99-cent crown.

Victoria, being the one-trick pony she is (until she grows up, then they’ll be more tricks I’m sure) says she likes to win prizes.  She certainly coaches well, doesn’t she?  Tammy admits that when you win, you know your daughter is the best.  “I know I made her look like that, and, you know…I won.”  Well, you sure as shit wouldn’t win with those gums, would you?  Unless that’s the worst flipper ever.  Let’s talk when your kid wins a science fair.

If she wins then automatically I'm a winner because I provided the DNA!

Dad Nick is another cool dad who sews Victoria’s outfits.  He should totally date pageant dad David and maybe they could adopt a Guatemalan kid who might win.  Lord knows Ava has let David down too many times.

Just remember you job is to keep Chloe OFF the pole.

I have to say, Nick is totally adorable because he made a Queen of Hearts dress with feathers and he’s hoping it will steal the show.  Aww, another good dad.  I guess to make up for the sucky crazy mothers.

Back in Humble, Chloe is getting her nails glued on and she whines so they get daddy to do it.  Poor Sarah admits once again that her daughter prefers her husband to her.  Wow.  Have another one, maybe the next kid will actually like you.  Oh, you did have another kid.  Doesn’t look like he likes being in your arms any better.  Is it body odor maybe?

Move over, egg donor, I've got it from her.

Dad sprays Chloe with self tanner and rolls her with a spongy paint roller.  Per a man’s usual agreement with spray paint, he hoses her good then rolls it on figuring more is better.  Sarah says it worries her but let’s face it, the family doesn’t really give a shit what you think, egg donor.

Oh, good!  Stereotypical pageant coach has arrived!  Miss Tara, Brystol’s coach, has arrived with her large ass, small dog and bleached hair in tow.  She also seems to have that annoying baby voice that works on Kristen Chenoweth for about the first five minutes, then makes you want to drown her perky little performer’s body in a large body of water.

A picture is worth a thousand words...is that mommy fading into the background?

Miss Tara says she’s been Brystol’s pageant coach since Bristol was 2 months old (because so much coaching can take place as you learn to focus on large objects), “And we’ve won every crown we’ve went after since then.”  Try going after the grammar crown.  She admits that when Brystol wins, she wins (wtf is with this?) and she says this family is “obsessed with pageants.”  And being big losers despite their protestations to the contrary.

Does Miss Tara need a fire hydrant or a tree?

Baby Voice says, “We only like to win and that’s what we do.”  Then Brook really puts the nail in the crazy coffin when she says that Miss Tara is their one-stop shop for all things pageant, so they said if she quit her FULL TIME job, they’d take care of her.  So basically, they hired a full-time pageant coach for someone who shits in her diaper most of the day.  Does that come with insurance and a 401(k)?  Or just the potential for some girl-on-girl action for dad?

Simon says pat your ass!

“They pay me great money so that I can give them the one-on-one attention they need,” Baby Voice says.  Hooooly shit.  For an 18 month old?  That is just crazy.  Even Mickie Wood didn’t do that and Eden needs a coach badly!

Brook says they haven’t lost a pageant with Baby Voice yet, so they are very happy about the money they spend with her.  Let me spoiler alert this by saying it looks like layoffs are coming her way.

Victoria is going to get tanned and Tammy tells us this is the first time they’ve tanned – the competition is making them do it!  Tammy says she thinks they score the pale-skinned girls lower than the tanned girls, “because it is an unattractive feature.”  Yes, being pale is sooo unattractive.  I don’t know how I stand to even LOOK at myself in the morning what with all the sunscreen I slather on to avoid cancer.  Ironic comment, coming from someone who could pass for Casper’s cousin, TAMMY.

This is the polyurethane coat.

Tammy says they started out with natural pageants and she swore she’d never do glitz.  That’s usually how meth addicts start too.  “Once you win a few, you do what you have to do to win the biggest and the best.”  Just like addicts!  Oh, Tammy, what’s going through your translucent skin?

Back in South Carolina, Baby Voice wants to see how Brystol’s skin “reacts” to having makeup on.  Do you have a dermatologist on speed dial just in case?  This is Bristol’s first glitz pageant (so she’s been winning natural pageants?  Sorry, kid ain’t that cute!).

And she gets her own coat of semi-gloss!

They airbrush the shit out of Brystol’s face and Baby Voice thinks it will knock out the competition.  She says not every child is beautiful but Brystol is.  I’m sure that comment was totally not paid for oh but it was!

Oh, shit, here comes the hairpiece.  Uh, she’s 18 months old and barely has any hair…what the hell are they going to attach it to and also, how stupid is it going to look to have wispy lower hair then like Rapunzel hair in a knot on top of her head?  Brystol’s stepsister says it bothered her to see Brystol cry when they put it on her.  You are the first-marriage kid.  No one cares what you think and they are bothered that you are still around, so either put your game face on or move out.

Beauty hurts, brat!  Suck it up.

Stepsister calls her stepmom “kinda crazy” and I’m thinking she’s being “kinda polite,” especially when Brystol is crying and Brook says she just wants to win.  Some women and their incessant need for validation.  It’s exhausting sometimes.

Back in Woodstock, Victoria is modeling her dress and it’s a little darker than we usually see on girls.  In fact, it’s kind of a Miss Kitty’s Saloon color, a magenta/black combo and she’s wearing black sandals which mom is happy about because they aren’t “white and poofy.”  Man, the mistakes these people are making this episode.  Epic, almost.

The horror!

Tammy is way excited about the hairpiece they got to help them “pull off the win” but Tammy has no idea how to style, roll it up or put it on Victoria’s head.  You would if you hired a full-time pageant coach!

Back in Humble, Sarah tells us the pageant consists of beauty, outfit of choice and celebrity wear.  I call Helen Mirren!  Have you seen her abs?  Sarah asks Chloe to help her put the dress in the plastic container and Chloe couldn’t be less interested.  Is she even breathing?

Please go stand over there, half of my XX chromosome mix.

Sarah says Chloe’s blue dress is an “oh wow” dress and it cost “more than most people’s house notes,” she says.  What the hell is a house note?  A mortgage?  Hi, Sarah, please leave 1930 and join us here in the next Millennium Falcon.

For outfit of choice, she’s wearing her “custom Vegas outfit” (hooker?  No – that’s someone else!)  and for celebrity wear she’s going as Jeff Gordon.  Sarah says Chloe normally wins supreme titles.  Then Sarah shows their ultimate grand supreme stupidity by telling us that they have to drive 14 hours to get to the pageant.  Fourteen hours in a car with two little kids.  It’s probably really just a 6 hour trip extended by bathroom breaks, diaper breaks and “are we there yet?” breaks.  Kids ruin everything.  Also, you are F#CKING MORONS for going that far for a pageant.  “But it’s very worth it.  We have a blast and this is what we do,” Sarah says.  Hold that thought.

Pageant day in Statesboro, Georgia, which is…holy shit…still flying the confederate flag.  You uneducated hilljacks.  Don’t give me the “it’s our history” bullshit.  You don’t see Germany flying the swastika, do you?

Really?  You sure you want to stick with this?

And let the day begin!  Baby Voice is putting mascara on what is going to become the whiniest, crying-est, bitchiest kid in the history of the world.  Brystol cries and cries and cries, which is always good when you put on mascara.

Sign me up for this ride.

Brook tells us that Brystol woke up in a terrible mood so she’s being unbelievably fussy.  She screams when they brush powder on her face and she has mascara running down her face.  And now, they are attempting the hairpiece attachment.

Yay!  More fun!

Baby Voice says Brystol didn’t like it “but it looked so pretty on her that I was excited for her!”  This job must be exhausting for Baby Voice.  Also, the hair looks ridiculous because she doesn’t have the real hair to support the look.  You should have put a full wig on her instead.  After all, we know from experience the cancer kids win all the pageants thanks to the sympathy vote.

Tammy is putting fingernails on Victoria who looks like she’s having an out-of-body experience.  Tammy says Victoria has been “very quiet and sheltered” (?) today so she’s worried about her personality onstage.  What personality?

There's the pre-pageant energy we want!

Chloe is having her own breakdown and it must be bad because she asks her mother to hold her.  For whatever reason, Daddy is only available via phone.  Sarah demands that he come over there now.  Why wouldn’t he be there already if he could?  You know that kid hates Egg Donor.

Chloe requests a change of lap and Sarah laments that her daughter will go to anyone but her.  Yeah.  She hates you.  It will only get worse with time, so put your money on your son to take care of you when you start wearing Depends.

Chloe is falling asleep while her hair and makeup are being done and Sarah explains that Chloe went to bed at 1am and woke up at 6am.  Because she couldn’t get a cab back from Studio 54 any earlier last night?  How does a kid go to bed that late?  How many glasses of water did she need?  And did anyone think to stick a Benadryl in one of them?  Do I have to think of EVERYTHING including how to drug little kids?

I get this way on Fridays after a trip to Chipotle.  Luckily I'm only at work.

Sarah, showing her keen Mother Earth mothering skills, asks her husband to stop by the store to pick her up some special drinks.  So they create a concoction of energy drink (it gives you wings, I bet!), apple juice and “cola” which looks suspiciously the color of your urine after doing the Dew.  Bye, baby teeth, we hardly knew ye.  And I’m sure the adult ones will look just as lovely.

Here Comes Barbie Fun is the emcee and previously seen on another episode is pageant judge Darrell Williams and his other brother Darrell who tells us the main thing he looks for at a pageant is a pretty face.  Prepare to be disappointed in this crop, Darrell.  Also, duh.  Then he says he can see a natural beauty through all the hair and makeup.  Then go judge Amish beauty pageants.

And Darrell clearly prefers the natural tan.

Brystol is in her dress and crying up a storm.  Brook is holding her at the strap of her dress and Brystol lowers her head and bites her mother.  See, this is the thing that would totally throw me over the edge as a parent, the biting.  I’d probably punch a kid that bit me.  Hard.

Cannibal baby!  And...wow, nice cleavage.

“Getting dressed was a disaster,” Brook says.  I think getting up this morning was a bigger one.  She explains that the dress has a lace-up back and they wait until it is on her to lace it.  Also, there are three adults tag-teaming this kid; seems like someone could sit on her head, one on her legs and they could have her laced up before she suffocated.

Oh my God, hog tie her already!

Dad says he hates seeing Brystol unhappy.  Hope you brought blindfolds.  “Right now my nerves are shot,” he says.  Oh, the day is young, pageant dad.

Then Brook complains because everyone is lined up in a hallway, or as Brook hyperboles, “A four by four foot jail cell.”  Even Baby Voice loses it and says, “This is insane!  Too many babies!”  One is too many for this recapper.

Is that a horse pill in her hand?  Is it for her or Brystol?  Or me?

Brook says Brystol got overwhelmed backstage and that’s why she’s crying.  What was her excuse this entire morning?  Baby Voice asks if Brook knows anything that will make Brystol happy.  Ether?  “Probably to go the hell home,” Brook answers.  WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?  Wouldn’t you rather be there too?

Brystol is screaming and crying.  Baby Voice says, “Cocktail and nerve pill?” and you hear someone (Brook?) say, “Can you make it a double?”  I could.  It’s called birth control and a quiet bar.  Dumbasses.

Brystol finally has a smile on her face right before she goes on and Brook is paying so much attention to her that Brystol flops over in her arms and she just flips her up to straighten her up and Brystol’s head smashes – and I mean you hear the thump – right into the frame of the window in the thick wood door. The worst part?  Brook actually looks like she’s about to laugh.  Does Jamie Sterling know you are trying to steal her title for worst mother ever?  Because you are right on her heels, bitch.

CONTACT!

Brystol totally loses her shit as any of us would (and I’d be beating the shit out of Brook, but I have better range of motion than an 18 month old) and dad says, “Oh my God!”  Brystol has completely lost it and she’s about to get called onstage.

HILARIOUS!

Now I agree with commenter Alison Z. when she said she would have gone to the judges, explained what happened and asked to go in a few moments.  It’s one thing to be late but that was just an accident and they should be able to cut her some slack while the kid calms down without deducting points.  But not Brook!  They are not losers!  And they are not compassionate!

Sarah interviews that right before Brystol went onstage, “She caught her head on the corner of the door panel.”  Oh SHE did, did SHE?  It had nothing to do with you?  It was her fault?  Way to be accountable, LOSER.  “Not only does she have a huge knot on her head, her beauty score is going to suffer,” Sarah says.  See you next Tuesday to infinity, you worthless piece of trashtastic mother.  Seriously?  Get some ice and calm your child down!

Sarah puts Brystol in front of the steps and says, “It’s your time to shine, sister.”  Yeah, she HAS a shiner, thanks to you.  Brystol bawls her eyes out and has tears running down her face while she screams her head off.  She’s awful because SHE IS HURT!

Screw your head injury, the show must go on!

And the icing on the cake?  As Brystol gets offstage Brook says, “Brystol, that was terrible.”  You know what else is terrible?  Smashing your kid’s head into a door then blaming her.  This is why matricide exists, because of mothers like Brook.  She is awful.  The worst.  Makes Joan Crawford, Octomom and Susan Smith look like mothers of the year.

Baby Voice says Brystol was never that bad onstage and if they don’t bring home the crown, they’ll be “crushed.”  Maybe you should just be thankful you aren’t bringing home a concussion.  Brook, however, is on the same wavelength and says Brystol’s performance probably hurt their chances for a supreme title.  Well, you are winning Supreme Bitch, so that’s something to be really proud of.

The real tragedy?  They had to find ice and because of the bruising that has started, they need to try to cover it up with makeup.  Hope you have an industrial sized paint sprayer.  Also?  Good to give an 18 month old a Dum-Dum sucker.  That seems safe.

In other news…Brandon is tossing Chloe up in the air to keep her awake for the pageant.  God, these kids suck donkey balls this episode!  They are the totally unwrapped package.

Looks like Energy Cavity Juice is really working!

Chloe looks afraid and stiff and she has the personality of a houseplant that hasn’t been watered in a while.  “Her future plans include sleeping in her own bed,” Barbie Fun says.  Uh, because she’s been sleeping around in other people’s beds?  Help me out here.

BZZZZZZZZ.

And Victoria…she’s waiting for hair and makeup but the person doing it is waaaay behind.  The girls in the category get onstage and boy does Victoria stick out like a sore thumb with her dark dress and those blaaaack shoes.  Guess going pale is the right choice in shoes, unlike skin, hmmm Tammy?

There's more pizza, right?

Darrell, who has been a judge for 20+ years interviews that white shoes and socks are the norm and if a girl doesn’t have that, he does take off.  Now he’s headed over to Mr. Kitty’s Saloon to pick up Just Jack.

Victoria is onstage alone and she’s okay.  Not a lot of energy and not the “typical” pageant face we normally see.  Tammy is thrilled with how well it went.

Does the caller have a question?

Guess who is crying?  I know, I’m shocked too, but Brystol is whining up a storm and then she hits her mother in the head with a plastic bottle or something…twice.  Dad said it’s payback but once again, if I had a kid who hit me once, it would NEVER happen again.  Dad warns they have 10 minutes before they have to be downstairs.

Oh my God, STILL? She is going to dehydrate.

Baby Voice tells us that candy and sugar has Brystol’s energy back up and her teeth worn down with decay.  I notice Baby Voice is holding Brystol this time.

She gets onstage, bounces a little, Baby Voice pats her on the butt and she claps.  And…scene.  Brook is sure they scored high in that category.

Wait?  Does that mom have hooves?

On the other hand, Chloe is crashing and burning and actually smacks her dad.  Seriously, do parents even try to discipline their kids anymore?  She throws her headdress on the floor and storms away.  Dad tries to put it on again and she refuses.  Then she cries.

F#CK THIS NOISE, I'M OUTTA HERE!

Her time onstage is now…and she is nowhere to be found.  NOWHERE.  The judges make the “sucks to be you” faces and dad says to no one in particular, “I need help!”  Then someone finally got her to agree to put it on and she goes onstage.  Snore.  Darrell says she’s pretty (questionable) but that she needs to show more personality.  Where will she find one?

Her energy could power New York City.

Now it’s Victoria’s turn!  Tammy is sniping about moms who put their kids in pageants and show their bellies.  She says she’d never do that.  You also said you’d never tan your kid and yet, here we are.  Victoria is okay onstage, a little dry and boring, but at least she didn’t crap herself.

Seriously, these kids are making ME tired.

And talk about NO energy, look at this poor mom.  Suicidal.  If she actually had the energy to do it.

Brystol is dressed as Elvis for her celebrity wear…why are all these kids choosing to go as male celebrities?  It’s Cracker Jack Boy, The Jetsons, some other shit and then…my hat goes off to this person because this was totally brill (oh, I said it)…someone was dressed as the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood.  And it scares the shit out of Brystol. I bow to my hero. BOW.

Looks like Dear Crabby in the morning.  And later in the day.  And right before bed.  And before I shave.  Pretty much 24/7.

Brook, being the klassy hilljack she is, says loudly, “Who the hell wears a wolf costume to a pageant?”  MY HERO, that’s who.  Brystol bursts into tear and I love it.  LOVE. IT.

Brystol is onstage, with outstretched arm (to the judges?  DCFS?  Jamie Sterling?) and is bawling her eyes out.  Baby Voice says she’d “definitely kick the Big Bad Wolf’s…hiney!”  She continues and asks to the BBW, “Would you like me to come over and scare your kid before she went onstage?”  Uh, you’re kinda scaring the recapper.

Yep, this has Ultimate Grand Supreme written all over it.

Baby Voice tries to save her job by saying she put a lot of time and effort into this and to have the baby be scared because of someone’s bad choice of costume is ridiculous.  OMG, I know, like, totally!  There is a pathetic smattering of applause from the audience, but maybe they all ran away because of the wolf.

Brook continues her travels down Klassy Boulevard by interviewing that she’s pissed about the wolf costume, then she says to her husband while holding Brystol, “The f#cking wolf costume scared her.”  I’d say don’t swear in front of Brystol, but I’m sure her head injury has caused her short-term memory loss.  With any luck, she’ll continually forget you’re her mother.

Klassy!

Brook says she didn’t say anything to the Big Bad Wolf because, “I’m not looking to go to jail today.”  Well, maybe Cops can stop by tomorrow and kick your sorry ass for child negligence.

Chloe is in her Jeff Gordon short-shorts and she gets into her motorized car.  She backs it up and hits the wall that is behind Barbie Fun and it starts to fall on her.  She’d prefer you NOT DO THAT!  Dad doesn’t think it’s a big deal because Chloe was happy.

Why are you trying to kill Barbie?  WHY?

Chloe also sucks and for some reason, the music is cut off, so she doesn’t get to finish.  Sarah is pissed because she thinks it’s going to affect the score.  No, her suckiness will though.

God, their whole family is narcoleptic!

And here’s the controversy with a girl named Paisley…and Tammy puts on her super-judgy face for it.  As commenter PeppermintHookers (curiously strong?) reminded us, Paisley is the booger-eating cheese dip purchaser of a previous episode.  Tight-assed mom Wendy has dressed Paisley like a hooker.  But not just any hooker – the Julia Roberts hooker from Pretty Woman (I almost just wrote Pretty in Pink).

Eh.

So here’s my thing on this…Wendy was pissed that T&T didn’t ALSO show Paisley’s other outfit of “Classy Hooker” when Julia’s character was at the polo match.  I totally get that.  Do I think this was terrible?  Sort of not really, because it’s not like they dressed her as Pretty Baby, they dressed her as the hooker-with-the-heart-of-gold.  It’s a charming movie with a happy ending, the hooker gets her guy and “saves him” (although I’m sure George Costanza would be on the phone to everyone and the press that this well-known high-powered businessman who just fired him was committing to a hooker).  I didn’t really feel this sexualized her…kind of like the Dolly outfit previously.  If she was shaking her booty and acting sexy then yes, I’d have an issue.

Is it right to dress your daughter as a hooker?  No.  Would you do this for Halloween or a school function?  NO.  But all she did was walk back and forth in clunky thigh-high boots…I wasn’t as outraged as I thought I would be or hoped I would be.  The Madonna rocket boobs were way worse in my opinion.  So is banging your kid’s head into a door then making her perform like 30 seconds later and calling her terrible about 30 seconds after that.  And the yellow wig made it seem more comical than sexy.  Meh.

Victoria is up next and she has a bit of a meltdown and asks her mother to go with her onstage.  OMG, Tammy would LOVE that because if Victoria is up there shining, so is Tammy!  It’s the associative property of pageants!

This kid is SO BORING!  And Shirley NEVER wore her hair like that.

Wait, Victoria is Shirley Temple?  Wow, that sucks.  The whole thing should hinge on the boing-boing curls but Victoria’s hair is up.  “I think Victoria coulda did better,” Tammy incoherently says.  Victoria is boring and both parents says she’s being more shy than normal.  Maybe you embarrass her, Tammy.

Baby Voice asks Brook if she’ll be mad if they don’t bring home and crown and Brook is like, “Yeah, I spent a thousand dollars to bring home a crown.”  What.  A moron! You can get those at the dollar store – and you could get a thousand of them for the money you spent on the pageant.  Brystol is crying.  Again.

And blindfolding her doesn't seem to be working.

Dad Mike says they were told crowning started at 4:30pm but they started at 4pm, so they were running late and stupid Brystol isn’t onstage with her group.  Wah-wahhh.  No worries, she sucked it so it won’t really matter.

Barbie Fun knows Brystol has arrived and says they want to recognize her as one of the winners onstage, so “please welcome 5^th runner up, Brystol.”  Oh SNAP!  Fifth runner up?  Are you kidding me?  This is awesome!  Finally someone gets what they deserve.  That suuuuucks.  And that suckiness is not lost on Brook.

Shocking!  That she actually placed at all.

“Fifth?” she says.  She interviews that fifth place is not even worth going onstage for.  Well, good thing you weren’t up there then.  Bitch.  “Fifth place is nothing.”  You are correct.  Thank goodness you aren’t a family of LOOOOOOSERS.

Brystol shows her mother the trophy and Brook says, “I don’t want it Brystol.”  She interviews that as far as she cares, Brystol can chew on the trophy.  Rack up another one for bad teeth!  And poor sportsmanship.  Brook, you are just a horrible, one-dimensional hillbilly.  Seriously, Deliverance called and they want you to find your manners.

I need to be on the first trailer out of here.

Brandon goes onstage for Chloe’s group and she is asleep.  No, she’s awake…no, wait…she’s out.  Chloe doesn’t win anything, so they figure she pulled for a higher title.  Okay, let’s ride that high for a few moments.

Now it’s Victoria’s group.  Tammy says it’s been a long day and she thinks Victoria did a great job.  Let’s see how grounded in reality Tammy is.  She wins 4^th runner up!  She suuuucked too.  Ha!  Tammy is thrilled because 4^th runner up out of 12 is really good!  No it’s not!  She wants to continue with glitz pageants.  You should save your money.

YAY!  You suck!  That means mommy does too!

Supreme titles!  Sarah is thrilled because they’ve driven too far for Chloe not to win.  She doesn’t win Beauty Supreme.  So now it’s Grand Supreme…did Chloe win? She…ha!  DOESN’T!  It goes to the hooker-with-the-heart-of-gold!  And her mother is wearing a shirt that reads, “You can love Jesus AND glitz!”  Who said you couldn’t?  Didn’t Jesus get a bunch of bling when he was born?  Myrrh isn’t cheap, you know.  Tammy whips out the judgy-judgy again.  Oh, shut it, fourth place.

Sarah says, “There’s no way.  There’s no way.”  Uh, clearly there was.  She is stunned Chloe didn’t win anything, but Sarah, Chloe was asleep for most of the pageant, including when she was onstage.  Kid just didn’t have the wow factor.  In fact, she didn’t have the breathing factor.  Perhaps the night before a big pageant, you get her to bed at a reasonable hour.  She’s 2, so maybe 7:30 or 8?  Not five hours later, dipshit.

Raise your arms if you're sure...your daughter is a total and complete loser.  She didn't even get a participation award...because she BARELY DID.

Sarah is such a loser, she goes to the judges and instead of saying what could she have done better, she says, “I’m wondering what y’all were looking for?”  A kid who was actually AWAKE?

They ding her on the dark blue dress and say that pastels do better…and that she needs to work on her stage personality, let me provide a big doyee on that one…so, good advice, which Sarah immediately discards and says that something “wasn’t right when she did as well as she did.”

Sarah.  Sit down.  Comfortable?  Your daughter suuuucked.  Sucked it hard.  Why?  NO PERSONALITY.  Probably because she was running on fumes the whole day.  Kids need their sleep and they need more than 5 hours especially before a big day, I believe because they are doing this thing called GROWING.  Sleep helps with that.

Pageant Director Tanisha says if people don’t understand the concept of having their kid critiqued, they should stay home.  They should anyway, Tanisha.

Sarah says that every single girl who won was a local girl.  You mean they didn’t drive 14 hours, get to bed at 1am only to wake up at 6am?  That’s probably not just a local thing, that’s a good parenting thing.  Next time, either take two days to get to your destination, leave earlier so you get there to put the kids to bed on time, or stop going to pageants that are so goddamn far away from your home.  Sarah, you are an idiot.

Sarah says that they know now that little local pageants “aren’t for them,” they like to compete in national pageants. Oh, honey, Chloe would have been eaten alive at a national pageant.  Sore loser.

Brook takes a similar path.  “Today sucked,” she says, “big time.”  She says it’s the worst day they’ve ever had in their pageant “career.”  Maybe it’s because you suck as a mother?  Naw, probably just because you aren’t a local girl.

It's not ME, it's THEM.  Yeah, it's you.

Dad Mike follows suit.  He says he thinks the pageant is a “load of crap” and that it’s “too much for little kids.”  So is having your head jammed into a door.  “It’s really not for me,” he says.  No shit, it’s for little girls.

I'm not a loser, but I am a quitter.

Baby Voice says there’s always another pageant out there to win.  Don’t we know it!  Brook is undaunted and wants to go to a pageant next weekend to avoid “ending on this note.”  The note reads, “If you think I’m a bad mother, check the yes box.”  Oh, it’s checked, checked big time, bitch.

Next week?  I am not sure because my DVR just got switched out so I didn’t see the previews.  I’ll take a stab:  bratty kids and crazy mothers.  Let’s see how close I am to being right.

source: http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/toddlers-tiaras-inside-or-out-fugly-is-forever/