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We open this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with Pageant Director Madonna (I wish!) Durbin telling us about the Glamour Girls Hearts and Crowns Winter Extravaganza. That’s a mouthful. It’s a “themed winter wonderland pageant: where girls compete in beauty, outfit of choice and winter wear (outfit of choice part deux). Per usual, “the judges have their work cut out for them.” I have no idea where this pageant is.
What the famous Madonna would have looked like if she had stayed in Michigan. The second famous one.
First up in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee, one of the best states ever because of the 70mph on I-75, we meet Eden Jr., Maddy who is four and “always wins pageants.” Uh-huh. Her mother asks who has more crowns, her or Maddy and Maddy points to her. Turns out mom Lindsay used to do pageants and now she’s a younger, quieter version of Mickie Wood. Oh, burn.
Ruth is trying to fix her daughter up with my son, but you know, they go to a different synagogue and her matzo bread is really dry.
Lindsay did more than 600 pageants and started when she was nine months old. Lindsay takes Maddy over to the wall of trophies, crowns and sashes and keeps asking, “Is this one yours?” It’s not. “Is this one yours?” It’s not. You do know the show is following your daughter and not you, right?
That's right, all the crowns belong to MEEEEEE!
Lindsay says she thinks she made over $85,000 in pageants, she’s not really sure, and it did pay for college. If you do the math, she made approximately $141.67 per pageant. Trust me when I tell you, mom and dad paid for college many times over with the money they spent on pageants. “That’s mine too. Mine. Mine…mine!” She actually says that about her trophies. Regret your current life much?
She tells us Maddy has pageants in her blood and once it’s in there “you can’t get it out.” Like sickle cell anemia. “Maddy’s first pageant was my last pageant,” she says, asking Maddy who competed there. Maddy points to Lindsay and Lindsay says, “ME!” Finally a mom who doesn’t put herself last. Ever.
Over in Indian Trail, North Carolina, which…shouldn’t it be Native American Trail or is it full of 7-Elevens? We meet ten year old Queen who has only been doing pageants for one year. I was thoroughly convinced this kid would be a hot mess. “I think I command the stage,” she says. If you have to think about it, you don’t.
Look, ma, I'm a Kennedy!
Mom Rosa (how many of you filled in the blank with “Parks”?) interviews that Queen came to her one day and said this was her “passion and desire and if we loved her we’d support her. And how can you say no to that?” Bitch, please. You are talking to a woman who said no to her nephew when he asked her to read a book to him. Look, dinner was over and it was time for him to go, the book was just going to stretch things out. But I guess if it’s your kid, well, she’s made a good argument.
What time is it? Time to kick some pageant ASS!
Queen interviews that she tells her mother all about pageants because she doesn’t know anything about pageants. I knew I liked her. “I’m kinda the Queen in my family. ‘Cause I’m a good leader and I’m very pretty too.” Yes, all leaders must be pretty. Just look at Kim Jong Il and Moammar Khadafi.
Over in Corbin, Kentucky, get your earplugs because here comes Madison and her inability to use her inside voice! Mom Laura says Madison knows what to do to bring the crown home. Madison tells us the she’s five years old (it sounds like “six”) and she “loves to do pageants.” Really not so much.
Madison digs deep into her nose as her mother tells us she has a speech problem and they are getting help with it. I remember a ton of kids did when I was in kindergarten and they were always sending them to the speech therapist and all was well in the world. Madison, unfortunately, has lost both of her front teeth making it even harder to understand her. Except when she’s screams, which is most of the day.
Digging deep to find that inner beauty.
Madison screams at the top of her lungs as Laura tells us she’s a stay at home mom, and I actually yelled, “SUCKER!” at the TV. Who wants to live with that screaming?
I'm really enjoying the crying and screaming and kicking and fighting day after day after day after day.
Madison and her brother are wrestling and he puts her into a serious headlock as Laura says being in the house with the kids all day can get to you. No, really? I never knew! Madison’s brother is hanging onto one of her feet as she nails him in the face with her other foot. Then he cries like a little bitch. Next time, keep her in a headlock.
Learn how to take it if you are going to dish it. Wuss!
As Madison sits on the sofa and kicks her mother, Laura interviews that her husband usually works seven days a week. Gee, I wonder why? Your kids are hellions and he probably likes his other wife. Laura tells Madison to stop kicking her and that she’s being a B-R-A-T. She’s actually being a different b-word, Laura.
For those of you needing to renew your birth control prescription, I give you a friendly reminder.
Laura excuses Madison’s bad behavior by saying she has a mind of her own and is a little “crackerjack.” Or she’s on crack. Seriously, Laura, get a time-out chair (or two, both of your kids rule you) and get some asses in them. This isn’t cute and why some people are banning kids from their restaurant. She giggles as Madison plugs her ears and makes noise so she doesn’t have to listen to her mother. I’d slam this kid into a time out so fast she’d actually hit the next time zone.
Baaaad kid!
Laura says they go to pageants once a month as a family to get a break from sitting home. Yes, because spending a weekend with dozens of screaming kids and getting high on hairspray sounds really fun. Madison screams at the top of her lungs and one of my dogs just jumped.
Back with Maddy, they are getting out the Dolly Parton costume that Lindsay wore when she was in pageants. Now I honestly thought I’d be more offended by this, sort of like the Madonna boobs another girl was sporting in a previous episode, but I didn’t really feel that these boobs or butt were really trying to sexualize her as much as they were sort of a costume like for Halloween. Or maybe it’s because Dolly is cuter than Madonna who is just sex-in-your-face. Thatswhatshesaid.
Pillows!
Lindsay says the boobs and butt are an “added extra bonus.” Wow, there’s an eon of duplication in those three words. She says it’s funny and people usually laugh and I guess that’s where I’m going with it – it’s less sexy and more funny. I bet even Dolly would laugh.
Queen is at the salon getting her eyebrows done and Rosa says she normally wouldn’t do that but it’s part of competing. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. Queen says she likes getting waxed. Yeah, wait until you have your bikini area done, then let’s talk. Her brows look great.
Tyra can eat my dust, as there will be a lot of it.
Back with Satan, Madison is practicing and she hates to practice, always a good sign in a pageant girl. She sits on the sofa slumped in the corner like a rag doll. Laura tires to stand her up and she goes limp. Then Madison says she doesn’t remember her routine. Wah-wahhh. If she didn’t practice, don’t go to the pageants, see if that works, LAURA.
Yes, she really does seem to want that supreme crown.
“Madison isn’t very focused,” Laura says. “She does need a lot more work on her race wear routine,” she says as Madison runs her motorized car into her dad. Welcome home!
Back in Mt. Juliet, Maddy is running ahead of her mother to get to her gymnastics class. Coach Cayla has the patience of a saint and says, “Maddy is kind of…coordinated.” Kind of is being kind of polite. She falls all over the place and even Lindsay is like yuuup, she’s a mess.
Smooooth cartwheel. People get paid to do this?
In a horrifying turn of events, Madison is at the doctor’s office and he has a statue of a clown that would satisfy any horror movie fan. Why, why, why are clowns so scary? They are sooo not funny ever! And twice as bad at the dentist!
Madison is getting a flipper and they have to do a mold of her teeth. If any of you ever went through this – for braces, for crowns, for whatever – you know why I am cutting her some slack for crying at this point. That stuff will suffocate you and I’m pretty sure the dental hygienists get some masochistic thrill out doing this to patients, or at least mine do. Don’t even get me started at the time I got bitewing X-rays. Who makes those cardboard pieces the size of Buicks? She cries but gets through it by breathing through her nose. Been there, sister. Also? It wouldn’t kill the doctor to throw on a white coat over his Lands’ End ensemble. He’s not looking overly sanitary right now.
Makes me gag just looking at it, effin' hygienists.
Back with hot child in the city, Queen is checking out her “popcorn” wear which is an outfit covered in popcorn (get some butter and parmesan and I’m there). Queen practices and Rosa is kind of hard on her for not doing well. Which again, is why I thought Queen wouldn’t do well.
What do you mean jazz hands are out?
Maddy is practicing and Lindsay admits she loves to perform and now so does Maddy. She says it’s hard to get Maddy to practice, then Maddy runs towards her mother and jumps up, comes down on her face and splits her lip.
IMPACT!
Lindsay has to hold a tissue to her face during the rest of the scene which I’m sure she just loved.
God, give me the patience to...oh, just give me the vodka bottle.
Madison screams shrillly and my dogs freak out. Laura tries to get Madison ready to go but Madison just wants to hide under her covers. Laura is so thrilled that Madison could win $1000 at this show (not likely) but it’s clear Madison wants no part of this. Although maybe it’s not that, maybe there is some other disability going on here…did anyone else sort of feel that way, that maybe it’s not just speech therapy she needed? She sort of seemed “off” which I believe is the technical term used by the Mental Health Association.
And I will make you pay dearly for that choice.
Laura asks why Madison is acting like this and I’m thinking, uh, habit? The fact you don’t discipline her at all? Madison says, “I will hit you,” and Laura says, “You will not hit me,” and then interviews that Madison does want to walk away with the supreme title. I think Madison would be happy walking away with a pickle, but she probably shouldn’t walk with something so sharp in her hands. “Madison would be sad if she didn’t win.” Madison doesn’t know what day it is, Laura.
Pageant day! Oh, it’s in Bristol, Virginia. Pageant director Madonna says it’s going to be tough competition, from the babies to the “big girls.” And big they are. We see footage of Madison coming into the hotel and she and her brother fight over the car that they drive INTO THE HOTEL. Kill me now.
Nexus 6: More human than human.
Maddy comes running in and manages to bash her makeup and hair guy in the face with her head/hot rollers. This kid is just aching to be on WWF. Michael Booth says he worked on Lindsay when she was younger and mentioned in the comments, he’s one of the dads of Hannah Douglas whose boobs won the $10,000 cash prize a few episodes ago. But more importantly, think about having two dads…NO mother-in-laws! Awesome!
Ow my nose! Ow my nose! Ow my nose!
Anyhoo, Mr. Michael is totally hilarious and I would invite him out with the Gasmii commenters, Betty, Tonya and Annette (unless she’s still hanging out with Mickie Woods et al), because man, what a bitchfest that would be! He does a great job putting Maddy together, especially the hair with the little flower things in it, but he tells Lindsay not to let her bounce around or it will all fall apart. Lindsay promises not to let her look like “a hot mess.” Yes, save that for her 30s.
Speaking of which...finger in the socket? Again?
Madison is bouncing off the walls too and Laura says trying to get her ready is the most stressful part of pageant day. I would have thought knowing you are at fault for bringing her into the world would be the most stressful thing.
Madison is getting her nails done and instead she tries to suck her thumb and gets glue on her lip. Laura worries because the judges judge on every little detail. Well, the glue does make her a mess, but if you could get it on both lips and shut her mouth, those long, lonely days stuck at home might not be such a drain. Just a thought.
Glue or a scorching case of herpes?
Queen is getting ready and Rosa admits she was clueless about pageants when they started. Probably because she has a solid 3-digit I.Q. Rosa tells her as a result of her lack of knowledge (and abundance of our respect for said lack of knowledge), she put together a professional team of makeup and hair people.
And Jabba is playing center, apparently.
Queen tells us she’s not the “average ten year old little girl,” and if she wins and gets $500, she plans to open her own makeup business. I actually believe her. Also, didn’t Laura say Madison could win $1000? Or is it just more money for the white contestants? They are in Virginia.
Here cooomeeess....Barbie fuuuun!
Some very glam girl is the emcee and I’m not going to lie, her Barbie-ness is most excellent. They run through the babies and meh! One kid looks completely drunk while another is doing “smell-the-fart.”
BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPP.
Maddy gets onstage and her mother goes crazy making facing and acting nuts. Maddy just does her thing but seems very stiff and doesn’t smile enough. Her ambition is to be a fire-fighter that helps doggies. Aww, I love that. Help people too, after you save the dogs. The cats can stay, they prefer it because it’s so much like Hell.
Are you sure that's the face you want her to make?
Holy shit! One of the judges is a werewolf!
Am I right?
Madison is up and Laura is nervous because of the flipper. Then the editors totally fake us out and make it seem like they keep calling Madison and she’s not ready…not sure what’s going on here, but she makes it to the stage and I’m not going to lie, she looks really pretty.
Too bad she's growling...GRRRRR!
I was very surprised at how pretty she was given that her personality sucks balls and her face is kind of, well…meh. But she was stiff and not polished, probably because she preferred to kick and scream at the top of her lungs instead of practice.
Why is Santa in drag?
Queen is up now and she’s sporting that gorgeous combo of coral and hot pink and oh my God is she good! She has a sparkle onstage but it’s more – it’s like an intelligent enthusiasm and you can see she has that something special. It was really surprising to see a girl that good, especially after only one year of pageants. But she was way more than a pageant girl. I’m sure she’ll be hosting America’s Next Top Anorexic Heroin User when she grows up.
Spot-on. Where's the crown already?
Next up is outfit of choice and Mr. Michael voices his disapproval of the Dolly Parton outfit. He asks Maddy if she likes the “boobies” in her outfit and she does. Mr. Michael says he hopes the judges perceive it in good taste. Sure.
Maybe it's because boobs are so foreign to you.
As I mentioned, I thought this would be more offensive but I think because they weren’t portraying her as having boobs or a butt or shaking it like a tramp, it really came off as more of a funny costume than a statement about making a kid older. In a funny scene, some little girl points to one of the boobs and says, “What is that?” It’s something that scrambles men’s brains.
If I do this will they pop?
Then the most intelligent sentence is uttered by a pageant girl ever. “It’s my job to make every…It’s my job.” Yes, yes it is. And you do it so well, unnamed girl.
Also? Dad of the Year. I mean, he could be at home watching football right now instead.
Dolly/Maddy is up next. They must have played 9 to 5 or something, because that’s kind of the music the production company substituted. Everyone laughed and no one seemed offended. Maddy is okay onstage.
Dolly has to pee, however.
Madison and her brother are calling each other buttheads and they are hitting each other. Dad interviews that Madison is getting tired which I guess justifies her kicking and hitting her mother. I would so beat the living shit out of this kid, I swear. And you know as well as I do – this will only get worse as she gets older. Stupid parents raising unproductive humans.
The many faces of Madison. Oh, I guess there really is only one.
Madison is up and she drives onto the stage with her car. She doesn’t understand the concept of smiling and she is all over the place. Then she gets in the car and drives it right off the stage to her death. Oh, sorry, that was just a dream I had.
Jump to your death! Do it! Do it!
Now Queen is up but she’s running late because they forgot the music. NOOOO! Don’t let her lose because of this snafu! You can tell Queen totally blames her pageant-virgin mother. Finally they show up and the emcee smacks them down by saying, “Well goodness, we’re not ready, we have props. Just a friendly reminder to be ready 5 minutes before your scheduled time.” The politest bitchslap ever.
Unpolite? Deciding which joke to do...childhood diabetes or Hefty Hefty Hefty bags? Meh, this looks like Hefty diabetes.
Queen is up and she jumps out onstage with her popcorn outfit and seriously, she looks like the Tia & Tamara show. She is adorable and she totally KICKS ASS in her routine. Kid is spot-on. If she doesn’t win supreme, I will create my own pageant just for her so she can.
Unbelievable! Crown please!
Then Queen goes into hormonal pre-teen bitch by saying her mother will be in the audience doing a routine and making gestures and all it does is embarrass her. Get used to that for the next 8 years, kid. That’s how parents pay you back for all the diapers and projectile vomit in those early years. Pace yourself on your irritation, it needs to last a long time.
Moving into Winter Wear. Maddy is dress up in a penguin outfit…except she’s not dressed as one, she just has a lot of penguins on her clothes. At least it’s a change from all the Dr. Zhivago outfits we’re sure to see. There’s a gingerbread! There’s Rudolph! There’s a snowball!
No sad elves! Santa has asked us to take you out back and have you destroyed!
Maddy still doesn’t know how to smile and Lindsay overdoes it in the audience by doing all the moves so that Maddy can follow. Too bad Maddy doesn’t smile. Then Lindsay finally admits it: She says she does this more for herself than Maddy and she really misses being onstage. Then maybe YOU should find some pageants to participate in.
Because it looks like you need some kind of outlet.
Madison screams about being an Eskimo. I bet even they can hear her scream. Laura is worried Madison will “freeze up” (get it? Winter Wear? Freeze?) because she may not remember her routine. Because she never practiced? How could that happen?
So few years left and this is how I have to spend them?
Madison goes onstage and I had no idea Eskimos wore denim skirts and Uggs. She starts out okay initially, then freezes and looks at her mother for what seems like an eternity. Maybe she accidentally hit the RESTART button. Laura just stands there and looks at her instead of showing her what to do.
Judge Werewolf interviews that Madison froze and at this level of competition, “you’ve gotta be right on.” Enjoy the consolation prize!
Those kids in Twilight are so full of shit.
Laura says that winning is important because they’ve invested so much money. Next time, use that money as a donation to the Special Olympics because that’s probably where she should be (and face it, it’s an excellent organization). “We’ll just have to wait and see what the judges decide,” she says. They’ve decided Madison suuuucks.
Queen is up and looks beautiful in her outfit. She has a great routine and she must practice hours every day. This kid is like a fashion model and even Judge Werewolf says her modeling is “spot on” and her wardrobe “top notch.” Translation: We have a winner!
So hand her the damn crown already!
Pageant Director Madonna tells us they will be awarding 36 crowns that evening. So basically, everybody wins PER USUAL, even losers like Madison.
Crowning! Man, they pushed right through this, didn’t they?
First up is Maddy’s group. Most Beautiful…not Maddy! Best Fashion…Maddy! Really? Okay. Best Hair…Maddy! Most Photogenic…Maddy! In an interview she screams, “I won a lot of prizes!” Yes, we get it, shut up already. Divisional Queen…not Maddy! Which means she pulled for a higher title.
AND NOW MY EARS ARE BLEEDING.
Next up is Madison’s group. Most Beautiful…not Madison! Best Fashion…not Madison! Most Photogenic…not Madison! Divisional Queen…not Madison! Wait, does that mean she pulls for a higher title? Are you kidding me? God, we set the bar low for kids these days.
Is this makeup for eating or throwing?
Queen’s group is next and there are only five girls. Most Beautiful…Queen! Most Photogenic…Queen! Outfit of Choice…Queen! Winter Wear…Queen! Divisional Queen…not Queen! So she pulls for a higher title, as it should be.
Gee, who are you going to give the crown to?
Time for overall crowning. Laura once again tries to convince us and herself that Madison cares. “Madison does want to walk away with a supreme title,” she says. Madison couldn’t find her way out of an open box, Laura.
Overall Natural Photogenic…Madison! Laura is surprised and happy. Is that really a supreme title? Madison is thrilled she won a lot of toys and moneeeeeeyyyyyyy. Shh!
Sweetest Face…Maddy! Lindsay says it is a very high supreme title. Of which we’ve never heard of until now. “I couldn’t have asked her to do any better,” Lindsay says. You could have asked her to get the Grand Supreme title, duh.
Grand Supreme…has to be Queen! YAY! She kicked everyone’s ass all over the place. This kid is really going places as long as her mother reins in the arrogance and tendency she’s going to have to be a mean girl. Confidence is one thing, but over-confidence will kill you dead. I hope she is able to be a nice person because the truth is, kid has drive and dedication – there’s no telling what she can do.
Duhhh!
Laura tells us that Madison is going to continue to do glitz pageants. “It helps her self-esteem and personality,” she says. Her personality is awful, are you sure you want to continue? Kid needs some disciplining. Don’t make me call Supernanny.
And duhhh for a different reason.
Lindsay tells us that Maddy will be involved in the spotlight someway – “she’ll be performing in some way” – uh huh. Get the clear heels if you keep her in pageants.
“I’m a beauty queen,” Queen says. Reel it in a little, sister. The bigger the ego, the harder the fall. “My next goal is to win Miss Universe.” Well, I think you have to be a little older so pick another goal until you get closer. Don’t forget to send me some lip gloss when you get your Queen Makeup Collection going on QVC. Thanks!
Seriously, don't grow up to be a bitch. That will be very disappointing to all of us.
Next week? A parent actually holds a kid up and hits her head against a doorway and someone dresses as the Big Bad Wolf and scares the shit out of the little kids – sheer brilliance! See you then!
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