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About three weeks ago, Flipit (our TVGasm Emperor) asked us which Holiday special we would be interested in covering. Because I was still covering RINGER at the time (shameless plug - will return on January 31st!), I didn’t give it much thought until I finished the RINGER fall finale recap two weeks ago. At that point I knew I wanted to do something out of the norm, something different, something - dare I say - special. A special Holiday Special!
I knew right then and there exactly what I wanted to do… A long time ago - in a galaxy far, far away CBS broadcast The Star Wars Holiday Special - and people, it is bat shit crazy.
I had long heard the legend, the myth of TSWHS. It was shown once on November 17, 1978, a year and a half after the original Star Wars was released. The rumor is that George Lucas had very little input and when he saw the finished product, he freaked out - never allowing it to be re-broadcast or sold. The only copies available were bootlegs. I only found out it truly existed when I saw an interview with Carrie Fisher where she said: “I did the voiceover for some of the Star Wars discs or whatever and I made it a condition that he would give me the Star Wars Christmas special so that I could, you know, have something for parties … when I wanted everyone to leave.”
She then went on to say how she barely remembers the filming because she (and other cast members - ahem!) was so high. God, I love Carrie Fisher. (Read her book Wishful Drinking - amazing)
So, I thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to see what this cult phenomenon, this oddity, this fabled chapter in Star Wars lore was all about. And now I know. You guys, this thing is fucking bonkers.
I sat alternately horrified and fascinated for two hours. When it was over I said to myself I can't recap this thing! Too much ridiculata to handle. And then - much to my chagrin - the universe spoke to me, tugged on my sleeve, whispered in my ear, and sent me little clues that I had to fulfill this destiny. I wasn't getting out of this that easy.
First I heard that Chewbacca had been cast in Glee. After I had processed the WTF-ness of that, I read that Glee was doing an actual tribute to TSWHS. Random. Then I watched this past week’s COMMUNITY (Yay!) and they also referred to and paid tribute to TSWHS. REALLY random. Finally three days ago I read that one of the hottest, best unproduced scripts in H’wood right now is a behind the scenes take on the life of Chewbacca. REALLY, REALLY f’ing random, right? Well, I may be a little slow on the uptake, but I finally took a hint. So, here we are and away we go.
The “special” Special opens with an awesome scene that got me very excited. Han Solo and Chewbacca are trying to outrun the Empire. Hell yes!
We find out Han is trying to get Chewie back to his home planet (Kashyyk) for Life Day. O-o-o-k… Apparently Life Day puts the holiday in this “Holiday Special”. Makes sense! Before you can say “John Williams” the Star Wars battle music kicks in and Han throws it into light speed.
And this happens:
I get chills. This will be amazing, right? RIGHT???
A funky loungey Vegas announcer comes in with: Mark Hamill! Harrison Ford! Carrie Fisher! C3PO! Chewbacca! R2-D2! Darth Vader! Chewbacca’s family! Umm…ok! His wife Malla! His father Itchy! His son Lumpy! Errr...
Ooooooo! Special guest stars, you guys!
Beatrice Arthur! Wait, WHAT????? Where do I begin here? Isn’t her name Bea? Isn’t she a Golden Girl? Or, I guess at this point isn’t she Maude? I’m scared.
Art Carney! WHAT???????? Isn’t he a Honeymooner??????
Dihann Carroll! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Isn’t she Dominique Devereux??? I can no longer feel my toes.
The Jefferson Starship! HOLY CRAP!!!! Booze! Bring me the booze, I say!
Harvey Korman! In 3 roles! Holy Carol Burnett, what the hell’s going on here?
And an animated Star Wars story! Starring Boba Fett! Ah yes, this was the introduction to Boba Fett! How awesome/weird is that? OK, my breathing has regulated.
After the credits we go to Kashyyk and into Casa de Chewie (which looks exactly like the Casas de Ewok).
Casa de Chewie
Very cute domestic scene in which everyone is a Wookie (not that there’s anything wrong with that!). I assume these folks (?) are Malla, Itchy, and Lumpy. How…cute. Except Grampa Itchy. Itchy is super duper ugly and lechy. Yikes.
Gramps has a serious underbite
Lumpy is playing with an X-wing fighter terrorizing Gramps Itchy. So cute! This tree house is SOO 70’s/80’s Marin it is hilarious. Trust me, y’all, I was there! Where’s the hot tub?
OK, in case I didn’t make it clear, this entire scenario (and therefore much of the ENTIRE “special” Special) takes place in Wookie speak. No human talk for these Wookies! And no subtitles. Just grunts and moans and “aaaaa-nnnn-gggg-hhhh’s”. Yeah, so there’s that.
Not much happens here. Lumpy steals a cookie (a Wookie cookie!), Malla makes him take out the trash, blah, blah. Basically Malla is worried about Chewie because he’s not home yet. He’s supposed to be home for Life Day! Malla pulls down an extremely handsome picture of Chewie and Itchy comforts her. Awww.
Wait, you guys, I think I’m beginning to understand Wookie. I swear to God I understood what Itchy just said. Uh-oh, I might be losing my mind and we're only 15 minutes in. Itchy has some sort of cassette/recording thingamajig and Lumpy is very excited! Itchy puts it into the chess board/hologram device and a very strange Cirque de Soleil/mime troupe/pagan ritual bachannalia appears! Yay! Perfect viewing for a pre-pubescent Wookie!
Lumpy is clearly excited
I swear the lead dancer/neon devil man is Frank Zappa. Why wasn’t he in the damn credits! Oh hell, Lumpy presses the button and Frank appears in a life size hologram. Now he’s controlling the action from the living room on the chess board. What? You guys, I am not on LSD, I swear! Although...
The green devil emcee
OK, so there’s parallel bars, there’s devil-like tumblers, there’s jugglers (wearing jock straps), and there’s Lumpy getting disturbingly excited about all of it. It ends. Well, that was something - of nightmares…
Yikes!
Malla demands Lumpy do the dishes.
Malla in her apron
Oh Malla, some things never change do they, girl? Wookie or Earthling, we’re all the same. (Please do remember this all continues Wook-inese.) Malla heads over to her ultra hip happenin’ computer and plugs in some coordinates or a website or something. No luck. She then goes to her hidden, ULTRA hip computer in her credenza. Sure enough the screen clears and we see - Luke! and R2! They all see each other and are all in love. Awww… Wait, did Chewie’s family invent iChat?
Are those his feet? Flippers?
Mark Hamill is as brilliant an actor as ever, but more importantly what the hell is he wearing on legs/feet? Luke and R2 are trying to fix his X-wing. He tells Malla that Han and Chewie probably just stopped somewhere. For a bite. Or something? Luke says Chewie’s “never missed a Life Day yet, right?” Luke and R2 now engage in some ridiculous “physical comedy” involving dry ice. Oh Hamill, you're hilarious!
Malla takes a hint that they are, uh, busy and signs off. She returns to the main desktop (?) computer and now tries to contact…Art Carney! “Hello my baby! Hello my darling! Hello my rag-time gal!” I’m not certain Art ever sang that song, but that’s what I thought of when he came onscreen. All he needs is a cane. The dancing, vaudville WB frog kind, not the old people kind!
So Art owns some sort of thrift/junk/repair shop and is putting the ol’ razzle dazzle to an Imperial guard. He’s givin’ him the ol’ hard sell, the what-for, the Honeymooner “special” Special! He pulls out one of those water toys where you have to push the button and get the rings on the poles. Really Art? That's what you're selling the guy?
Art tells the guard that he likes to drink, which is kind of a weird thing to just say to somebody. Finally Malla gets through on the computer (?), interrupting this scintillating conversation. Art warns her not to talk since the Imperial guard is there shopping for knick-knicks. And now Art proves his acting chops by telling her (through euphemisms obvs) that an old woman with a solo hand is delivering her shaggy carpet, but it may take awhile. Malla, the bi-lingual independent woman Wookie that she is, understands that he means Han Solo is bringing Chewie ASAP! YAY! Life Day!
Art now tries to sell the guard a “groomer”. Art launches into a long monologue (which I plan to use if I ever audition for anything Shakespeare again) about everything else this groomer can do - it is brilliance and think it was completely ad-libbed. He admits he doesn’t groom often and looks at his crotch! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love you Art Carney! Did you guys know Art won an Oscar? True story.
HOLY CRAP, you guys - its Darth Vader. We are now in the command ship with (spoiler!) Daddy Darth. OK, this special Special just got much better. And he's gone in 20 seconds. Boo. Call me cynical, but that was an outtake from Star Wars, right? COMMERCIALS!
More please
Ok - I would take you through these a-MAZ-ing 1978 commercials, but I still have 1 1/2 hours of the show to do, so I'll just do the highlights. No good ones in this batch.
Back at Casa de Chewie - Malla and Lumpy are kickin it in the kitchen. Lumpy takes off and Malla just doesn’t know what to do with that kid! She literally throws her hands up and shakes her head. Its very cute - in a Wookie way. Oh God (er…the Force?), Malla turns her Lucas Ichat on and there’s Harvey Korman - dressed as a woman - a purple Julia Child kinda woman. Holy hell, Harvey, have you no shame?
So Harvey and Malla cook bantha for 5 minutes. Really - that’s it. Suddenly Harvey’s 3rd and 4th arm come out and Malla decides that this bitch is crazy. She turns that Harvey off.
Harvey and Malla cooking up some bantha(????)
Another cool scene of Han and Chewie avoiding the Fighters. Are these more outtakes? Han says “Why do I always think bringing you back to Life Day is so easy? I mean, really?” so I guess it is a new scene.
Back in Wookie-Landia, Itchy is sleeping in the E-Z chair and Malla is still crying over the Chewie picture. Methinks Malla needs some lovin'.
An Imperial agent appears on the screen. Martial Law has been declared on Kashyyk - no landings coming in or coming out. Not for Malla, that’s for sure...
There’s a knock on the door. It’s Art! He got thru the Empire force field and he knows Han and Chewie will too. And he brought presents! He gives Malla and Lumpy their gifts and they run off. He tells Itchy he brought him the proton pack for the “mind evaporator”. Ummm - I’m not sure Grampa Itchy should be around anything called a “mind evaporator”.
Art putting Itchy into the orgasmatron
Apparently the evaporator is a mind/sensory device that allows you to see images - kinda like the chessboard, right? I guess this device is a little more private. Art tells Itchy he’s got something “WOW” for him. It’s super creepy. He inserts the cartridge and leaves Itchy alone. Ewww… Dihann Carroll appears, telling him she is his fantasy, how he created her, and she is here for him only. She’s basically an interactive cyber prostitute for Grampa.
Itchy's cyber lady of the evening
She tells him she’s getting his message and he has some kind of body spasm in his chair. WOW, is right. You guys, this is porn! I don’t think any of us need to hear any more about Dihann’s song to Grampa. Right? Moving on…
}
I think she got the message of what Itchy looks like
C-3PO and Leia contact Malla. Oh my God, you guys - Carrie is REALLY fucked up. Malla tells them Chewie and Han haven’t shown up yet. Art tells them he will watch after the Wookies and Leia and C-3PO sign off. WTF was that???
Where am I?
Han and Chewie are still in the Falcon trying to land. They are circling the planet, but they’re getting past the Imperial fighters. Lumpy hears them overhead and the family busts out in a joyous Wookie dance. They run to the door and open it. Stormtroopers!!! Uh-oh…
You're not my daddy
Commercials! There's some good ones here. All of these people are pure wonderful-ness…
Look for the Union label!
The Imperial forces enter Casa de Chewie. They take a head count and realize Chewie isn’t there. They question Art, but he covers for the absence of Chewbacca. They do a search of the house and almost find the hidden credenza transmitter device, but Lumpy stages a distraction by almost biting an Imperial guard’s hand off. Good work, Lumps.
To alleviate the tension Art shows a guard the gift he brought for Malla. He opens it up and we get another hologram this time featuring the Jefferson Airplance (sans Grace Slick - boo!). They play a song and its mildly psychadelic, but overall pretty boring. The glowing corn dog/vibrator the lead singer uses for a microphone is the highlight.
The band disappears and the troop (HA!) gets back to work searching the house. They kick Art to the curb and it’s kinda sad. Oh, there’s Itchy! I thought he was still with his cyber ho. A guard throws Lumpy out of the way on his way upstairs. The officer warns Malla to keep the kid out of the way, so she sits him down to watch another show or performance or whatever the hell this might be...
Its a cartoon! The Intro to Boba Fett cartoon! Remember Boba Fett is the bounty hunter that was searching for Han in the canteen, but we never saw him in the first movie. In the cartoon, Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, R2, and C-3PO are in search of a talisman that will make them invisible. Don’t ask…
All I know is C-3PO is SUPER gay in this, R2 is somehow bendable, and overall everyone looks really really scary. Oh, and this guy escaped from Moulin Rouge.
The show must go on, Satine!
So in search of the talisman, they crash on a moon in the Panna system and Boba Fett comes to rescue them, riding his abused dragon/dinasaur. C-3PO warns Luke not to trust him, but they go with him to find the Millenium Falcon. When they arrive at the ship Luke passes out because of a sleep virus that has come from the talisman. It only affects humans and in order to keep them alive, they need to be hung upside down. So now Luke and Han are both hanging upside down. I cannot believe I just typed that paragraph. This isn’t even part of the story, you guys! Its the cartoon Lumpy is watching! AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
OK, Boba Fett and Chewie head to the city to find a cure for the sleeping virus. Boba Fett tells Chewie to stay outside while he goes and gets the serum. Instead Boba Fett goes to an ATM type transmitter and contacts Darth Vader. He tells him he has the Rebels captive. And that’s the end of the cartoon. WTF was that? Like some kind of fanfic cartoon bizarro world?? My head hurts.
OK, the guy in the General Motors commercial just said “And that’s no jive.” HAHAHAHAHA!
This guy:
HAHAHAHAHA!
Valerie Bertinelli looks exactly the same, right?
Oh wait, its not the end of the cartoon - they just had to take a commercial break. Crap. R2 intercepts the message from Boba Fett to Vader. Boba Fett and Chewie return to the ship with the serum. Why the hell would Boba Fett bring the real serum? They outrun Imperial fighters and return to the ship. They give Luke and Han the serum and they recover. Why does Han look like this in the cartoon?
This is not a good look for you, Han
R2 and C-3PO tell them the truth about Boba Fett’s allegiance and he jets off. THE END.
Thank the Force that’s over. Upstairs they are tearing apart Lumpy’s room. They rip the head off his stuffed bantha. Bastards! They come downstairs and tell the officer there’s nothing up there. Lumpy is sent up there so he doesn’t have to listen to the grown-ups. Lumpy goes up, sees his room and lets out a cry. He then sees his bantha torn apart and lets out another howl. Malla hears him and she cries. THEN, Lumpy picks the bantha up, puts it in his bed, covers it with a blanket, and gives it a kiss. Holy crap, that was fucking sad! Poor Lumps is in the dumps!
Bantha burial :(
He then remembers the present Art gave him which apparently is another kind of transmitter! Art saves the day again. How did the guards not find it? Anyway - he inserts another cartridge which give him the directions to assemble the device. And Harvey Korman is back. This time as a instruction-giving malfunctioning humanoid. We’re going to gloss over this because it is too ridiculous to put into words. Lumpy puts the damn thing together.
Downstairs the crowd gathers in front of the TV transmitter for a broadcast from the Empire called "Life on Tatooine". In the video we head back to our favorite Tatooine canteen. There’s a Greedo lookalike! And the evil werewolf guy with the red eyes! And the band playing that damn canteen song!
Did you ever think you would see this picture?
And Harvey Korman! And Bea(trice) Arthur! Of course - makes total sense. Bea is forcing drinks on the customers when Harvey comes in with flowers for her. She won’t talk to him until he orders a drink. He does and she walks away to help another customer. He proceeds to pour his drink into a hole on the top of his head. I swear I’m not making this up.
A video transmission comes through from the Empire (so a video in the video?) ordering an early curfew and orders everyone into their homes. Bea tries to kick everyone out, but no one wants to leave. They grow a little unruly. So, like any good barmaid she decides to buy a round for the crowd and sing a song. Because of course she does. Its basically “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” in song form sung by Dorothy Zbornak.
Why is she making out with a giant hamster?
She gets passed around the room dancing with all the patrons and somehow the song evolves in an intergalactic number from Fiddler on the Roof. She gets everyone out except for Harvey who re-presents her with the flowers.
The video ends and we are back in Casa de Chewie. Clever Lumpy has used the transmitter to send a message to the Imperial troop telling them to “return to base”. The officer orders everyone to leave except for one stormtrooper. The rest leave, but the message keeps repeating. The stormtrooper realizes something is amiss. He goes upstairs to find Lumpy and his transmitter.
Commercial time! Wow, have you guys seen this movie? It is amazing. For all the right AND the wrong reasons.
Ease on down the road!
The stormtrooper takes the transmitter from Lumpy and smashes it on the ground. Lumpy runs downstairs and out onto the deck. He aims his blaster at Lumpy just when Chewie shows up! He is not having it and shields Lumpy. Han sneaks up behind the trooper and knocks the gun out of his hand. When he goes to grab the gun, Han pushes him and goes over the railing - falling a few thousand feet.
There, there Lumps
Han picks up Lumpy, calls him sweetheart, and then hands him off to Chewie saying “Is he groomed!” I guess he means that as a compliment? Again I’m not making any of this up. They go inside and Han greets the family. After he makes a few puberty jokes about Lumpy, he takes off. And then this happens:
Wookie love
And I cry a little. For joy. Because I realize this is almost over.
There’s a knock at the door and Chewie goes to open it with guns a-blazin’. The door opens and its Art! An alert comes up looking for the missing trooper and Art tells the officer that the trooper robbed him, stole food, and then headed for the hills. Art saves the day again! He tells them to have a great Life Day and leaves them saying “May the force be with you!”
The family goes and gets their Life Day glowing orbs.
This is some voodoo shit
They raise them up and suddenly they appear wearing red robes. A procession appears and is shown walking into a blazing sun-like glow. What. The. Fuck?
Are they floating? Flying? Dying?
A crowd of Wookies in red robes is gathered in a Stonehenge like place. C-3PO and R2-D2 show up on some sort of stage in front of the crowd. Chewbacca goes to meet them and they wish him and the crowd Happy Life Day. C-3PO tells the gathering he wishes he and R2 weren’t just machines so they could share in the feeling of Life Day.
I hope Life Day doesn't entail any robot sacrifices
Out of nowhere Leia, Luke and Han Solo appear. Leia gives a speech about how wonderful it is to be for Life Day and how much everyone loves everyone else and who knows what else. She doesn't even know what the hell she's saying.
You guys forgot your cult robes!
Carrie is still completely fucked up. She says something about the Tree of Life and launches into a song about Life Day.
What day is it again? Oh Life Day!
The song ends and there is 5 minutes of flashbacks from the actual Star Wars movie. Which I guess are supposed to be Chewbacca’s memories? Or something?
Obi Wan is not amused
One of the last commercials is for this: C-3PO and R2-D2 themselves hock all the Star Wars toys. Sigh.
Of course
We come back to see the family gathered around the table holding hands and the “special” Special ends.
Let us never speak of this again
The credits roll and Bruce Vilanch is listed as one of the writers.
I’m pretty much speechless. I can’t believe that happened. For all of you that have complained that George Lucas ruined your childhood by making changes in the original movies and/or making the prequels - you should feel much better. Your childhoods were already ruined! It began right here! When you were still a child or before you were even born!
Happy Life Day!
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