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The Teen Mom 2 engine has a lot more power and a much more raw style from the Teen Mom 1 ladies. These moms are scrappy, and less poised. Even though they're in their second season, there is no weariness or acting, really with this bunch. They just seem so much younger, more naive than the Teen Mom 1 crew. And it is awesome. This generation of the show is all-in, and nothing looks to be held back for these girls. They are, each of them, head cases. Luckily, they're young and there's hope for them since youth is always wasted on the youth and junk.
Chelsea.
Chelsea still has no GED, she mentions to us that she has no boyfriend and I mention to myself that she has no self-esteem. That much is clear already, 26 seconds into her first segment. She admits that she put Adam above studying for the GED, but now she's studying for real! ... at least, until Adam texts and asks if he can come over to see Aubree. He hasn't been around in a long time, and she agrees he can come by. Le sigh. The hope in her gooey voice, the spring in her sweats both tell us everything we need to know where this is going.
I can't understand why Chelsea has had such a hard time getting her GED.
Later on, she's breaking it down to her gyrlz. They ask her if she thinks he misses her and Aubree. Her friends are asking pretty indulgent questions, and instead of being honest, Chelsea glazes over and gives the longest, blankest look I think I have ever seen on television. And I watched the first two seasons of The Hills. If she had been honest with her friends, there would be so much respect here but no; she tells them what she thinks she has to say, which is, "I know he hasn't changed, I don't want him back, I'm happy blah blah blank stare bah." She can't just admit she wants to see him and she hopes he missed her. She's completely spun on this guy, but lacks the spine to stand up and admit it. Her gut probably knows it's a huge mistake, but if Chelsea is anything, Chelsea is lazy. Chelsea would rather wallow in the drama of Adam with the off-chance that it will work out than do anything else. Doing anything else would mean putting on her Big Girl Pants and making strides to take care of things herself, to do the work it takes and be vulnerable in new ways that are required to meet someone different from your current shitty relationship. She's lazy, and not that bright so this gives her what she needs - something to think about, and she can do the same thing over and over because it's the easiest thing to do.
Chelsea is totally paying attention to her friends and family on the subject of Adam Is A Doucher.
"I should be studying, but I'm not because Adam is coming over. He hasn't been here for a long time." In walks our favorite post-911 Joe Dirt, Adam. He plays with Aubree for a bit, and teases Chelsea for teaching Aubree tricks like making a scrunchy, adorable 'mad-face.' She is so spun over this, I think she maybe possibly peed. We'd never be able to tell since she wears like 9 layers of sweats. I don't understand that at all. Kids. If they're not wearing coochie cutters, they're wearing fleece like they're tryin' to be the Michelin Man. It's weird. Kids are weird.
He tells her he wants to hold Aubree as a family and moves over to the double papasan chair. Ugh. I wish it would tip over like they always do and he would knock himself out on a lamp base or something. Maybe her dad would show up and cut her allowance to buy a little more time of sobriety (from Adam) for her. I wonder if Candy Finnegan would do an Intervention for a love addiction. There's got to be a self-help book out there that Chelsea would be able to understand, or maybe it's even a book on tape, right? Maybe? He's really laying it on thick, and it's pretty sleazy. He even uses the F-word: 'Family.' Like he doesn't know that's the magic password to anything he wants from Chelsea. Sadly, Chelsea is the only one who never sees that, so she obliviously flirts so hard she actually starts slurring. He even tries to get a kiss and tries even harder when she gives him only her cheek, and the gift of knowing she's still wrapped around his nasty little finger. He literally gives her sex eyes on his way out the door, and as soon as it's closed, boom: "It feels good to see him." Ugh. It feels good because y'all want to bang. That's it. He's a lover, not a boyfriend or a husband.
Would ya?
She does go pick up a GED study book and we're oddly reminded a couple of times that it's $31.79. Like, it was weird editing or something, but for a second I got creatively carried away in my head, and I wished I was in a parallel universe, and this was suddenly going to peel apart and show me that I've really been watching LOST all this time, and those numbers are important. Very important.
I still wish this meant something on Teen Mom, but we all know it's just $31.79 that Chelsea could have spent on Starbucks.
But I doubt that they are. Chelsea's mom comes over and they're doing some cleaning when Chelsea brings up that Adam has been around again, and that it's good to see him. You can feel the air suck out of that room when her mom forcefully reminds her that they broke UP. He calls, and she answers but acts sketchy so when she hangs up, her mom calls bull honky and calls her out on talking to him just now. Her mom tries in vain to get her to remember all the fighting and crying, tries to get her to see how she needs to focus and get her GED already, that she needs to accept the way things are. Chelsea cries and snots something about being single and not dating anyone. Her mom is all, "Can I get a hell yeah?!' .... when they both know full-well that Chelsea's only agenda is for life to be as easy as possible and hopefully to include Adam being in love with her, suddenly showering her and taking care of her like she's a pretty, pretty princess.
Chelsea is so lazy that, despite having no job and even though all evidence points to her not studying for the GED, her mom comes over and cleans her house. I'd love to know who Chelsea was in a past life.
Chelsea and her friend/fellow teen mom (I'm assuming) Tiffany, take their babies to a pumpkin patch. Fun! Until Chelsea waxes/whines on about having a thing for having a family. Tiffany calls her out hard on it, telling her that she always gets sad and then goes back with Adam. Chelsea pretty much denies it, and while Tiffany checks out on dealing with this crap ever again, Chelsea give lip-service to the old classic "my brain says no, but my heart says yes." Gurl, please. You want to bang your ex, and you don't see what harm it would really do. You think you have it under control. You think you can find out where the boundaries of acceptance are on this with your friends and family; then you secretly indulge yourself to find out if you can keep them. But you never can. She will always let him back in. She's addicted to him and it over-rides any instincts or brain power she has. Sad face.
Kailyn.
Wow. Kail is many things, among them, a fast talker, a pessimist, and a hard-worker. She's living with Suzy, and things are good with Jo, but she is worried about Jordan's increasing role in her and her squishy baby's life. Isaac is a squishy baby. He's cute, but he looks so fluffy, like a Cabbage Patch Kid. That is not a put down when it comes from a girl of my generation - Zachary Cy is still packed away with other treasures from my youth. My mom and my aunts dealt with Black Friday only one time in their lives. Once, and it was for Cabbage Patch Kids for all the cousins. The pictures of us in our 1980s hair, pre-teen teeth, and Christmas dresses are priceless, which is why they will never see the light of the Internet. Know that.
Kail and Jordan will never know a Kodak 110's sticky square prints in a photo album, since they'll take cell phone snaps of their Halloween. They're pretty excited, as it's Isaac's first real holiday. She wants to take him trick-or-treating but two things have to happen: Jo has to agree to let her pick up Isaac a little early that day, and she has to not tell Jo that Jordan is going with them. She seems to be manufacturing some drama here, or there is something I don't know. When last I checked, she and Jo were totally in agreement about co-parenting but not being a couple. She calls Jo to work out Halloween, and they easily make things work. She recognizes that it's nice to be able to work together civilly; however, there is no faith in her tone. She is flat, flat, ohpleasedontbesarcasticKail, flat. Jo's fine with that though, and they hang up satisfied.
She's being nice to Jo over the phone, and I'm not even kidding. That's her nice face. Niiiiice.
I'm so jealous when she and her friend with the nose ring go to the pumpkin patch.... in her friend's bitchin' Camaro!!! I WANT ONE. A Camaro is the kind of thing I'd want and think was beyond awesome for about two weeks. Then I'd realize I kind of look like an idiot, and I'd have to turn it into a joke, like I wanted to be ironic all along. Still want one. They talk Jo and Jordan; there's a hint of Maci here. Kail really believes that Jordan would be a terrific male role model for Isaac. She doesn't entirely trust that Jo is in it for the long haul, I think. Or maybe it's that she's not ready to accept that Jo IS in it for the long haul, and she's still wishing that Isaac had happened differently, like she longs to re-write history, but mostly knows she can't.
'Bitchin' Camaro bitchin' Camaro! I ran over my neighbor! Bitchin' Camaro bitchin Camaro! Now I'm in all the papers!' ... actually, it's because I'm on Teen Mom 2.
Finally it's Halloween so there are nails to get done, and Isaac to pick up. She and Jo spend some time talking to each other, and exaggerated baby-talking to Isaac. They are sure crazy about that squishball. It's pretty cute - it's the way things should be in a healthy co-parent arrangement and she's thankful about it. "It's hard for us, but we're figuring it out," is how she put it.
Isaac loves giraffes and so is dressed like one for Halloween. He’s so cute!! I wonder if he has a Sophie the Giraffe? It's only the cutest baby toy of all time. All French babies have a Sophie, which is this darling natural rubber giraffe who hasn't changed since she was born in 1961. You know who else loves a Sophie the Giraffe? My dog. Sophie est aussi pour les toutous.
Kail is dressed as a cowgirl and looks adorable. Jordan, who is now my favorite Teen Mom Dude is dressed as..... a baby. I hope and pray that was intentional, because if it was meta, I'm in love. Brilliant. Let's pretend it was, and he did it on purpose to dress as the baby on a show called Teen Mom. They have a great time in one of those neighborhoods that takes Halloween for serious, and when they get home they agree that they had a lot of fun. I had fun watching!
Lol! Thank you, Jordan! I like the cut of your jib, kid.
They talk a little about how comfortable Jordan is with being around Isaac more. He's getting there. He, unlike Kyle, can express himself without a self-conscious grin and without turning purple. He's good peeps. All of these kids are, really. Their story is sometimes the most interesting to me, because it is going to be dynamic, in forward motion, for a long time.
Leah.
Leah is a Real Housewife with her big blond bed head weave, gallon of eyeliner, and bone-deep boredom. They've not learned anything more about Ali, but those twins are crazy-cute, although not cute enough to stave off the stir-craziness that she's starting to feel. She's thinking about getting a job; she misses that she was gonna go to college, and she really understands that she can't commit to that right now. Still though, she wanted more as a kid and she's not ready to give up and just live with Corey. When she brings it up to him, she gets all baby-voiced, and he's pretty quick to admonish her not to flirt with any guys I wonder if he's always been a jealous guy. I didn't see that coming really, but then again, he and Leah hooked up pretty scandalously and she's already cheated on him. In no way am I condoning jealousy like his, but I can understand that he might validly feel it. It’s just that regardless of validity, he has to find a way to deal with it so that they someday do have a healthy, trusting partnership.
Leah is a pin-up girl for bored teen wife housewives.
So, yeah right. Like that's gonna happen.
Leah gets some time while Corey's parents watch the girls, and she applies at a couple of places. Again with the fleece burka. This look is killing me. Later at home, she gets a tip that a dental office is looking for an assistant. Since she wants a job in the medical field, this is as fine a start as any, so she agrees to an interview. An interview at which the office hires her on the spot.
Ha! No experience, nothing beyond high school, and Leah gets the job at first sight. I'll keep my theories to myself. She talks to her mom, who works in the same building. She talks practicality of having and keeping a job, like child care and how she'll miss them but she wants to contribute to her family. I get the sense that these girls aren't too far along in the Reality Show Rabbit Hole. I get the sense that Leah really does need a job, that she's not got the Maci/Farrah cheddar yet. She also mentions that Corey is kind of jealous, which sets off instant warning bells in her mom. Quickly, her mom tell her in no uncertain words that trust is a big thing.
Leah's Mom, counting down the days before she'll have to hold in I-told-you-sos while Corey and Leah end their <1 marriage.
Leah calls Corey, and he's not exactly thrilled. They talk more about it later at home, and he's slowly accepting it bit, by bit. The money is worth it, and he does want her to be happy but he really does not trust her at all. He knows she's a bored teenager, and he's getting over-protective to the point that she's more likely to sneak around and test boundaries. It's what teenagers do, and she's a girl that has a little fire in her. She's a bit of a handful, I think. She needs to be busy.
I wonder if she'd be so bored if she put all the stuff away in her house. It's looking a little Hoarders back there. White gurl, please. Pick up yo' house.
A few days later, she and a friend go shopping so she can get some scrubs for work while Corey's parents watch the girls. She reiterates that it's going to stink to leave the babies, but she really thinks she's making the right choice for her family. She really feels the need to contribute, to have a bigger dog in the fight. Her baby voice is eluding me here. She's really sounding like a six year old, and I can't figure out why. I doubt she's lying about anything here, or that she's saying anything she might have to retract... I don't get it. Could she be that shy? If she is, why would she be on a show on MTV?
She and Corey go to dinner on a rare date later that night and he says that he's less worried than he was before. He thinks it will be good to have the extra money, and he understands that she wants to feel like she's contributing to the family. He supports her. He's so flexible! Seriously, not many dudes really go from A to B that maturely, before they're old enough to either be committed to being alpha control freaks, or smart enough to just not fight and have the peace to do his own thing, unnoticed. Corey is so genuine though - his heart is on his sleeve - I really think he's just that cool. He really believes in their marriage and their family.
Date night!
And before we get into Jenelle, I'd like to take a moment to introduce a new regular feature: Gratuitous Baby Shot of the Week! Awwwwww.... SO CUTE!!! Way to go, Ali!
Jenelle.
It's gonna be hard to dissuade me from the premise that Jenelle is an actual sociopath. I realize she's young and twice as bright as Chelsea, but that's not saying a whole heck of a lot. She fits so much of the criteria – superficial charm, manipulative, grandiose sense of self, pathological lying, lack of remorse, shallow emotions, need for stimulation, lack of empathy, poor impulse control juvenile delinquency, unreliability, lack of realistic life plan, and I’m leaving promiscuous off the list because we really don’t see her hooking up, but if you want to be a jerk and call her a ho for having a baby at 17, that’s on you. I don’t think she’s slutty. But she’s all the rest of the hallmarks of a sociopath, and I really hope someone has identified this and is getting her filtered to the resources she’ll need to avoid hard time.
The only time she's done so far is a night in the slammer for trespassing and possession. She's out now, she's paid Barb back for Joy Ride to Jersey 2010, and she's mainly staying on the straight and narrow, going to all of her court dates... and spending time with Keiffer. She's living at home, on the condition that she not be with Keiffer. Wait, what? You just said she's spending time with Keiffer... but then you said that the rule for living at home is to not spend time with Keiffer... Whaaaaat?!
She's doin' it all for this guy. Not even kidding. For starters, wtf with his pants. For enders, homeless druggie. Good choice for a gal who wants to regain custody of her toddler!
Easy. Barb thinks Keiffer's in jail, but Jenelle is stashing his homeless ass in parks and on corners while she sneaks around Barb to see him. Boom. She gets him and takes him to the park after flat out lying to her mom that he's in jail. The wool is pulled over Barb's eyes, but Jenelle knows what's going on here. See, Barbara is trying to start drama, and to tell her what to do. That's what's up. Also up? Jenelle's sociopathic commitment to so many lies - lies to her mom and lies to herself, she in invested in all of them.
Possibly the most complicated Teen Mom in the whole lot of them.
She hangs out with some cute friends, beachy-type kids who are really leery of Keiffer and her relationship with him. Jenelle doesn't want to push custody back longer than two years, which is the earliest she can petition I'm assuming. Her friends point out that when she's with Keiffer is when she gets in trouble, and she cannot get in any more trouble for two years. She's going to have to get serious to get custody of Jace. They also tell her that he's homeless, jobless, and has nothing going for him at all, that she should be with someone who brings something to the table. Translation: He's using you and you like it, so you say you love him. You say you love him, because he's one of the first men who needs you enough to not leave you, and all you want is to be loved, to be needed by a guy. Sadly, you're so damaged that you can't see your child needs you, you can't fill that hole in you with giving love, with being selfless. So you love men like Keiffer, who need you but who never really love you. He gives all of the lip service, and none of the actions. And ya know, he does love her, I'm sure, but when it all ends, he'll let it fall apart pretty quickly and he'll never look back to see how she handled it. He'll know she's better off.
We may look like slacker burners, but we are wise to the wicked ways of Keiffer. Drop that zero, and get a hero gurl!
She goes out later that night, and Barb reminds her that since she's watching Jace the next day, she has to be home by midnight. That's a pretty reasonable rule. Jenelle has no good reason to not get eight hours of sleep and be energetic for the baby the next day. Jenelle says she'll be back, and goes to meet Keiffer. They go on a little date, and do a car canoodle session with some lovers' sweet-talking day-dreamin'. She thinks he's changed, and he just stares back at her, knowing that he's got plenty more time here to fuck off his life and hers. He doesn't say anything though, he waits for her lead. They actually talk about when they have a place, and they're a little more mature, doing things like 'goin' to all our court dates.' It makes me really sad. At what, 18? 19? Her future already is one where court dates for delinquency are de rigueur. She already expects that this will be her life - fighting the wrong way for the wrong things, and being in trouble because of other people, like Barb or Keiffer.
She doesn't make curfew, but she does get up in the morning, as Barb yells and yells at her that she's screwed it up and now Jace is going to daycare. Barb, for her part, is being really unreasonable. There's no reason for the screaming, except to escalate things. Barb is fighting for the sake of a fight, just as much as Jenelle does it to her friends and back to Barb. It's really uncomfortable to watch, and I feel for Jenelle, sort of, but she's such a jerk I kind of don't feel that bad for her. Barb is definitely berating Jenelle and I can see why Jenelle don't give a shit. They just scream as dysfunctionally as humanly possible until Jenelle collapses in hysterics on the phone to Keiffer, having taken to her bed when Barb whisks Jace off to daycare. Jenelle is sobbing about wanting to spend time with her son, and how all his toys remind her that she could be spending time with him. She has not made the connection of what it takes to take care of a baby, and how there are consequences for not following rules. She really, truly does not understand.
Keiffer comes over but she just cries and cries about Jace. I can't say it's not genuine, because there isn't another motive, really. I'm not sure Jenelle is smart enough yet in life to understand that she's sobbing over her perceived futility, and that it would disappear if she'd tow the line and get her ish together.
In special artistic effects, I give to you a tale as old as time, of two star-crossed lovers torn apart by family and forced to hide their love.
Halloween in North Carolina rolls around, so Barb puts Jace down for a nap while Jenelle heads to "Amber's." She goes, of course, to the park to meet Keiffer. They talk some more about having the money for a six month lease on a place. It's becoming a much higher priority, since Jenelle is getting nervous about Barb, and knows she is out if Barb learns of her tryst with Keiffer. Ew. Romance book language plus Keiffer is a little stomach-churning. They agree that Barb is just trying to control their lives, and tear them apart. L.O.L.
The award for Most Dramatic Performance by a Teen Mom goes to....
Jenelle, for her riveting performance in "Kieferreo and Jenellette, a Tragic Love Story."
She gets busted by Barb, like we didn't see that coming from a couple miles out. Barb fah-reaks. It's so much screaming, and so much throwing out, and more screaming, and ugly ugly things being said in both directions and threats of violence and threats of assault charges... it's over-whelming and stressful. They are in very bad shape. I hope that this gets better. I can't tell if Jenelle is drugging like Amber did. I actually don't think she is. I think Amber is a drug addict; Jenelle is a sociopath. The way she and Barb seem to thrive on these intense, scary fights is creepy. She is always being picked at, and she never gets smarter about how to get away from it, how to get the upper hand in it. She and Barbara's relationship is abusive at best, sadistic at worst. They seem to be like that old myth, of the rats that get tangled together during a fight and have no way to escape, so they die tied up and fighting to the bone.
Barb Hulked Out, and it was terrifying. It was like, paranormal so I couldn't even get a clear picture. I'm sorta traumatized by how hardcore Barb brought it. I view her so differently now. Paradigm shift. Whoa.
Teen Mom 2. There it is - it's hard to say these girls are boring, or that the MTV money is starting to show on them. This stack of Teen Moms is a lot different than the OG Teen Moms, and these girls are still really interesting to watch and to think about. The dudes are more interesting too. Not that I don't love Gary, but I genuinely want to know if Corey will strike up a bromance with someone? Who's Evan to Corey's Gary? I want to know if Barb spontaneously combusts from stress! I want to know if Chelsea... well, whatever. Chelsea 'GED' Houska is pretty much gonna remain blinded by her addiction to Adam. Kail and Jo were pretty boring to me last season, but I think in the reflection that includes the other three, it will be nice to see one of the Teen Moms who has her head down and is really clawing to grow up, to get done with school, and to be a good parent on her own two feet.
What I really truly wish for though, is for The Miley Cyrus Show to have the Teen Mom 2 girls on as guests. Now that would be, “really cool you guys.” >
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