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Hey Gasmi! Thanks for all the links everyone! As always, your comments are awesome, and I love the little extra tidbits we get with the links to websites, facebook accounts, etc. Keep ‘em coming because I am far too lazy to go out and find any of that stuff on my own! :)
Previously on Survivor………Lil Hantzness was creepy. And a bunch of other stuff happened. But mostly Lil Hantzness was a fucking creep.
We open at Savaii on Day nine. Ozzy and Elyse are chilling together in the hammock talking about Ozzy’s family and childhood, possibly starting a little romance.
Ozzy and Elyse, swinging in a tree
Jim is worried that these two appear to be forming a bond because he is aware just how powerful a twosome can be in this game. The thing for him is that Ozzy is powerful enough on his own, as a physical competitor, he doesn’t want him forming a twosome and adding to that. Jim thinks maybe Elyse is gonna have to go.
Jim decides to have a little pow wow with CockRing. He tells him that he thinks Ozzy knows if he votes Jim out he will be invaluable. I think it’s hilarious that Jim thinks that Ozzy even thinks of him.
He totally does. I think he dreams of me at night
Sure he does, Jim. CockRing plays it cool, but says he thinks Ozzy’s already seen as invaluable. Well, but now Elyse is in the picture, counters Jim. He calls her a variable, and he hates variables so he’d love to get rid of her. Plus, it’s a Survivor move, man! He does take pause for a moment as he laments over her hotness, but CockRing assures him that he looks much better in a seaweed wig.
Don’t you wanna tap this?
Obviously CockRing is on board with this plan. He is onboard with any plan that doesn’t involve him being the next to go. Although he does tell us that he doesn’t entirely trust Jim and his suspiciously white teeth. Seriously, his teeth being too white are part of what CockRing is considering in judging the dude’s trustworthiness. Ooooooookay then.
What neither of them discuss is the fact that they don’t have enough votes to get Elyse out, but who cares about details like that when you can talk about what an awesome Survivor move it would be. Oy.
We’ve still got the shortened credits which now has me thinking that that’s less about awesomeness to follow and more about stupid Redemption Island. Either that or His Hantzness is going to be uber creepy. Again. Double Oy.
And sure enough, coming back from the commercials, we join Lil Hantzness over at Loopholo. He thinks this game is really jacked up when it comes to people’s feelings. From here on out, he’s decided to be a better person, a better player, a better Survivor. HA!
Even Edna’s subconscious knows he’s full of shit and she falls for everything
He apologizes to Mikayla and she thanks him for his apology, but really, what else is she going to do? She tells us she thinks maybe he should think two or three times before he speaks. She doubts he is going to change, after all, look who his uncle is.
Lil Hantz isn’t done yet. He now decides to fuck with Edna’s head a little. Oh sorry, come clean to Edna about her real place in the tribe. But it’s not to be an ass, he’s just trying to be honest and sometimes the truth just fucking HURTS goddamn it. He then proceeds to tell her there’s a core five, not a core six like she was led to believe.
Huh?
How mad do you think Coach would be if he realized just how badly Hantzypantzy is fucking up his game plans right now? Her feelings are obviously hurt, but she tells us she needs to accept the truth and sometimes it’s easier to believe a lie than accept the truth. It’s also completely unnecessary at this point to burst her bubble, but hey, when Hantzypantzy needs to confess no silly thing like logic is going to stand in his way!
Back at Savaii, they have tree mail which delivers the gift of bathing suits. Thank God. Maybe now we’ll have a couple of weeks respite from all the weird crotch blurring going on. They are also told to send two people to Redemption Island to watch the upcoming battle. CockRing says he’ll go and then the rest of Savaii plays a game of not it while trying to decide who will go with him.
This is my least favorite game ever.
Finally, Jim and his suspiciously white teeth bite the bullet. He’s not thrilled about this because he doesn’t want anyone to suspect him and CockRing are secretly working together.
Everyone changes into their shiny new bathing suits and Dawn tells us she worried about being the oldest on this tribe. She knows that she has to prove herself by doing well in challenges because otherwise they’ll all turn on her and vote her off as the weakest. She wonders to us if she’s the Rudy of her tribe, and for a moment I think she means the Fighting Irish football Rudy before I realize that she means grumpy Rudy.
Don’t compare yourself to me!
Before Jim and CockRing leave for the duel, Jim stops to talk to Ozzy about strategy. He wants to know how Ozzy thinks they should portray themselves to the other tribe at Redemption Island. Ozzy thinks it’s way too early to be thinking and stuff. He thinks Jim is trying to play the strategy point too much.
Dude. You are making my brain hurt.
The guys leave and immediately Ozzy starts making fun of Jim for his strategy talk. Dawn isn’t happy that Ozzy’s trying to dissuade everyone else from talking about strategy and wonders if it’s part of his master plan to take over the world as she is sure he is strategizing himself. I think dawn might be giving Ozzy’s brain power a little too much credit here. No matter, his strategy squelching is irking her to no end.
Time for the duel. Joining CockRing and Jim as spectators are Edna and The Creep. Christine and Papa Bear come in and Papa Bear tells Jeff right off that when he rejoins the game he will be switching to Loopholo. Jeff thinks that’s gotta be good to hear, right Creepy? Sure, replies The Creep, and he’s pretty sure that’s how Christine is feeling too.
Damn skippy, mother fucker!
Lil Hantz continues his confession tour of 2011 by also telling Christine that he would like to apologize to her for the way he behaved at tribal council with her. Christine accepts his apology, but tells Jeff she’s not sure that she believes it.
Let’s get to the duel. Jeff tells them they will be tossing sandbags onto crates, some near, some far. First person to get a sandbag on all ten crates wins. The loser leaves forever. Well, really until the reunion, but they won’t get to talk at all anyway so it might as well be forever. Ready? GO!
Christine and Papa Bear both get their first sandbags on top of crates. Papa Bear misses his second and third throws, Christine doesn’t. She is on a roll and gets her next four bags. Papa Bear hangs in there and ends up catching up to Christine until they each have nine bags. Wow. This is actually exciting! In the end, Christine lands the last bag and so Papa Bear goes home to eat his hot porridge.
And so, with his buff flaming, Papa Bear goes home.
After a quick break, we head back over to Loopholo. Edna is still plagued by Brandon’s revelation that she is not part of the core alliance. So, she decides to win them over with kindness. She asks Rick if she can wash his shirt. Naaaaah. It’s not getting too stiff. NOPE.
Foiled by Rick’s lack of stiffness, Edna is all over it when Coach asks if she will walk on his back later.
Walk on your back, suck your cock, whatever you need Coach.
Stacy is not enchanted by Edna. She thinks she’s like Ricochet Rabbit and never shuts the fuck up. She wants to know if Edna has an off switch and thinks she needs to be disconnected. Dis. Con ect ed. As the ladies do their laundry in the ocean, Edna plays twenty questions with Mikayla about her modeling. Mikayla is annoyed by the constant questions, and not just because these are directed at her.
Apparently Edna asks TONS of questions, and Mikayla tells us about a time she was questioning Rick about his shooting of a buffalo, down to what kind of shot he used. Really? She questions when Edna will EVER require that particular piece of information.
As Edna walks on Coach’s back, Mikayla and Stacy tell us how annoying Edna’s laugh is. Can’t say I disagree with them, but I know if I was out there with her it would be her obvious desperation that would set my teeth on edge.
Let’s head over to Loopholo for a little while. CockRing asks Dawn if anyone talked about him or Captain Whiteteeth while they were gone. She tells him that Ozzy told everyone not to strategize even though she is sure that is just exactly what Ozzy is doing. CockRing tells her they have to do something otherwise one of them (him) will be the next to go.
Dawn would like to see Ozzy go but CockRing tells her about Jim’s plan to get rid of Elyse. She’d rather it be Ozzy, but is willing to go along with getting Elyse out of there. That makes CockRing very happy because he has lost all his basic math skills. He tells us that this is going to be the time when the Savaii tribe makes a move that is going to change the course of the game.
I ain’t gonna let no math bring me down!
We’re already at the immunity/reward challenge? Did that go really fast this week, or is it just me? Anyway, once everyone is settled on their mats, Jeff gets to today’s challenge. Three people from each tribe (two men and one woman) will each have a pole over their shoulders that weight will be added to. The other tribe decides how that weight will be distributed among the opposite tribe’s players. Last person standing wins immunity and reward for their tribe.
In addition to immunity, the winning tribe will get three chickens and a rooster. God I hope no one decides to talk to them. Jeff points out that they can have eggs, or the other.
I’ve had roasted cock before and lemme tell you……DELICIOUS
Bearing the weight for Savaii are Keith, Jim and Dawn. Loopholo is putting up Albert, Hantzypantzy, and Dawn. Both tribes go for the big guys first, so Albert and Keith get weight right away. Jim and Lil Hantz get weight in the next round, and then the ladies get a turn. Huh. I’m surprised someone didn’t go right for the kill.
But as the challenge goes on, the guys get more weight than the girls and twenty six minutes later Dawn and Stacy have 100 pounds each, Albert and Keith have 180, while Jim and Lil Hantz are both shouldering 200 pounds apiece. Just then, the pole slips off Keith’s shoulders and as he tries to shift it back up it slips off entirely and he is out. The Albert drops after what seems to be a loss of concentration.
Probably got distracted by his own hotness.
Maybe taking the sweater off would have helped. Hey, whatever keeps him shirtless on my T.V.!
Jeff lets us know that at 220 pounds, Jim and Hantzy will become part of Survivor history as that is the current record for most weight held on this challenge. They make a new record as each of them then get another twenty pounds, taking their totals to 240 pounds a piece.
Is it wrong that I really enjoyed watching Hantzy suffer?
If it is, then I don’t wanna be right! 240 pounds proves to be the max that these guys can handle as both of them drop out before more weight can be added. So now it all comes down to the ladies. Dawn’s pole is looking really wobbly, while Stacy looks like she has more stability with the strategy of balancing the pole across her butt.
They both make it through 120 pounds and so Jeff tells the tribes to add more. I gotta say, Dawn is making me nervous here and the poor thing looks like her arms are about ready to break. Dawn tries to readjust and the pole is now slipping down her back. She hangs in there and is now balancing her pole across her butt as well.
Somehow I think she’s at a slight disadvantage
In the end, Stacy is the first to drop and so Dawn wins the challenge for her tribe. Go Dawn! She tells us it felt good to bring home the win for her tribe. Well, duh.
Loopholo return to their camp and Stacy tells us she is proud of her performance in the challenge and she thinks that she’s proven her strength to her tribe. But, she is still worried. After all, she’s had votes against her at tribal. Also feeling vulnerable is Edna because she has a little voice telling her that everyone perceives her as the weakest link in the tribe.
You ARE the weakest link!
Edna confides in Stacy about her fears and Stacy could give a rat’s ass. Edna asks her if Stacy thinks she should pack all her stuff. Stacy fights the urge to yell HELL YES. She tells us Edna is on an Easter egg hunt right now. She is scrambling like scrambled eggs in a hot skillet. LOLOLOLOL. Stacy cracks me up. She says this is the first time Edna has even talked to her about the game and she’s knows it because they are both on the chopping block. She thinks they need to vote Edna out because she is stronger.
A little later, Coach comes over to check on Stacy. Stacy asks him if he knows who is going tonight. He says it looks like it’s down to her or Edna. Stacy makes her case to Coach but she does not trust him at all and tells us she isn’t giving up.
She’s not much for lying but she will do it while she’s here. She’s gotta lie to kick it. Stacy tells us that means she has to lie to try to get in to fit in. She’s a poet and she didn’t even know it!
My poetry was better than that!
Uh, nope. No, it was not.
Stacy decides to go stir up some trouble and picks the right person to fuck in the head; Hantzypantzy. She asks him if he’s talked to Albert yet, and then tells him to watch them. Hantzy wants to know what they’ve been talking about. Oh, it’s not what they’ve been saying, it’s what they’ve been doing, Stacy tells him.
He tells her if she names names then his tiny brain can figure out what exactly it is that she’s saying. She asks who the people are that he went off on. Albert, Sophie and that Jezebel, Mikayla.
And then Stacy works a little Jedi magic on his dumb ass
A little shirtless Albert. Just because.
Of course Hantzy falls for Stacy’s lie completely. He goes running off to tell Coach about this mind blowing news.
The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
He tells Coach they don’t have a five alliance; it might be the end of the road as far as that goes. He relays the information that Stacy gave him to Coach. “Stop it. Just stop it.” Coach tells him. He tells Hantzy that this game is going to get so much crazier than this and if he believes someone that is on death row like Stacy knows she is over his alliance, he might as well throw in the towel right now.
Coach doesn’t give a shit what Stacy says; he knows that she would say anything right now to save her own ass. Hantzy then asks Coach how many people have screwed him the past times he’s played.
Never mind that! Let’s focus on your dumb ass
Coach says that’s because both times he had his head in the sand and he wasn’t playing the game. Hantzy is just trying to read people and he tends to be a good judge of character.
Don’t forget, it was me that saw Mikayla for the Whore of Babylon that she is.
Has anyone else noticed that he never seems to look anyone in the eyes when he’s talking to them? I can’t stand this little fucking creep.
As he walks away we see Sophie and I immediately wonder just how much of that she witnessed. She tells us she thought she was part of a strong five but it’s looking more and more like Hantzy is just a small, small Russell Hantz. Well, acorn, tree, and all that.
As Coach and the rest of Loopholo head out to tribal council Coach tells us that he has to remember that he’s out here for the third and possibly last time and this has got to be his game. He can’t let anybody or anything mess it up.
Tribal council. Jeff wants to talk about the challenge and how it came down to Stacy and Dawn. He asks Stacy what happened.
I did a good job, that’s what happened.
There’s no way he’s going to get her to say anything bad about her own performance. Coach compliments Stacy on her performance and says that they all take their hats off to Stacy for how she performed today.
Jeff says this tribe has been all about keeping the tribe strong, do they still believe in that? Well, yes. But Sophie clarifies that you can look at strength in different ways. Like strength in numbers, for instance. She points out that they don’t want to go to the merge feeling uncertain about anyone. They’re trying to balance physical strength with the strength of team unity.
Jeff decides it might benefit them to have a group therapy session. He asks Rick what the most annoying thing about Albert is.
He keeps his shirt on way too much
Oh, of course Rick doesn’t say that! He’s a rancher, people! He says Albert snores. Oooooooooo! Horrifying!
He then asks Hantzy what the most annoying thing about Edna is. He says she’s got a lot to say about a lot. She doesn’t think that’s true. Everyone rolls their eyes. Edna thinks the most annoying thing about Stacy is that she’s difficult to engage with. Stacy disagrees. Wow. This is really productive, isn’t it?
He then moves on to Mikayla and she’s got Hantzy. Oh! This should be good! Nope. She thinks the most annoying thing about him is his uncle. Wha????? Jeff wonders what difference does it make who his uncle is? And then makes a stupid comparison to a werewolf. Shut up, Jeff.
So of course now Jeff knows that Hantzy has told his tribemates about his uncle and Hantzy says he loves his uncle with all his heart but that doesn’t mean that they’re the same people.
I am much MUCH crazier
He then begins to cry and says he doesn’t want to be misrepresented to his family. Sometimes we fall to temptation, this can be hard for everybody. He wants to be someone that God’s proud of. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
He says it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. Jeff points out that Hantzy’s uncle is a master manipulator. He asks Albert if that means that the number one topic should be trust.
YUP.
Time to vote. We aren’t shown any of them. I futilely hope that means that they are voting out Hantzy even though I know it’s not really going to happen. Just let me have my moment of happiness, okay?
Time to read the votes. Edna. Stacy. Stacy. Stacy. Stacy. Fourth person voted out…..Stacy. As she gets her torch Coach tells everyone they should get up and hug her. She is having none of that shit. Ha! You gotta love that!
Stacy is PISSED about being voted out. Should be an interesting duel between her and Christine, doncha think?
Next week….
Zombie Challenge
So gross.
So what did you all think about this week’s show, Gasmi? Were you hoping that Coach would wake up and cut Hantzy loose? What about Dawn’s performance at the challenge? And just how white DO someone teeth have to be before it starts getting suspicious?
Can’t wait to hear what you thought!
SWAK, PottyMouth
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