|
Ho, ho, ho, Gasmi. It looks like Santa decided to come a little early for this recapper and I gotta say, I’m so happy he did. For WEEKS it’s been a snoozefest (well, except for tribal councils, they’ve been fun all the time), but this week was definitely one to talk about.
But we’ll get to that; I don’t wanna get ahead of myself here. So let’s jump right into and the good stuff will be here before ya know it!
It’s night 32 and the tribe returns to camp after giving Edna the boot. Everyone is proud of themselves and how they stayed true to each other and made it to the end just like they said they would. Benjamin says they know now that they can go at it with honor and loyalty and integrity.
Of course no round of self-congratulation would be complete without an accompanying prayer circle, so HanztyPanzty gathers everyone in for just that.
Déjà vu x 3,457
Just once I wish they’d form a prayer trapezoid or hexagon.
Benjamin knows all this kumbayaing is at an end, telling us that there is no loyalty anymore; it’s every cat for himself. Now the alliances within the alliance are going to be revealed. He says the real game begins tonight. It’s about fucking time.
Later, Sophie and Albert discuss what to do next; should it be HantzyPantzy or the Silent Cowboy? Albert thinks it’s a tossup. Yeah, one’s crazy, the other is like the invisible man; I can see how it would be hard to choose. He says they just all have to sack up and not let Ozzy win immunity if he comes back in. Well…….duh.
He tells us he thinks he’s in a pretty good position to pull off what he’s been thinking about doing. He thinks it will be the biggest blindside of the game thus far. Yep, he’s talking about blindsiding Sophie. Hm.
Opening credits. The new all the time shortened ones. Sigh. Remember when you used to be able to tell something awesome was going to happen because they used the shortened credits. Now all I do is sigh
And wonder what the hell they eating out there.
I hope their supplies include a fire extinguisher!
It’s the next morning and as Benjamin and Sophie chat, Albert tells us that from the beginning he had been planning to go to the end with those two, but now he’s not so sure. He thinks Sophie is getting increasingly dangerous; she’s won a couple of immunity challenges, she’s well spoken, she needs the million to help with her scoliosis…..so the bitch has gots to go.
Are you with me or are you with me?
He approaches Rick for a little chat and springs it on him that he’d like it to be them at the end.
Summin don’t feel right here……
Rick may be silent, but he’s no fool and he tells Albert that sure the two of them can go to the end together. Albert says they just have to make sure they’re careful and make smart decisions in the next couple of votes.
To us, Albert says if he was getting rid of people based on how much he liked them, Rick would be the first to go. But strategically he knows Rick hasn’t done much out here except grab his wife’s ass, so it makes him a non-threat in a final tribal council. In fact, if it were up to him he’d love to go to the final three with Rick and Benji. Rick for reasons already stated, Benji because he has been the cult leader.
Let’s take a break from Albert’s thoughts for a minute because it’s time to head over to Redemption Island. It’s Ozzy vs. Edna and at least they’ve given it some semblance of fairness by making the challenge a puzzle.
But it’s a manly puzzle so Ozzy should be okay.
Oh Jeff, calm down will ya? The first part of the duel involves solving a slide puzzle which releases a hatchet. They then will use the hatchet to viciously hack one another to bits chop a rope which releases a bag of puzzle cubes. The cubes have to be stacked so that there are no repeating colors on any of the sides. Loser goes to the jury; winner stays alive in the game.
Ready? GO! Slide puzzling ensues and Ozzy quickly solves it jumping into the lead. He quickly hatchets the rope and is working on the cube puzzle while Edna is still working on releasing her hatchet. Albert calls some help from the sidelines and soon the rest of the tribe is trying to help as well.
She finally gets the hatchet, chops down the bag and is ready to start working on her cube puzzle. Ozzy has had a big head start, but he doesn’t seem close to getting it yet. Edna quickly starts working while Jeff notes that Ozzy is keeping cool under pressure.
I feel a boner coming on!
Once again Edna is getting help from her former tribe mates. Ozzy gets no help, which Jeff makes sure to point out. Wahn, wahn. Of course he’s not getting any help! No one wants him back in the game! Edna works on her puzzle outside of the tower contraption, hoping to solve it and then transfer it over. Looks like she’s got it, but something happens in that transfer and her puzzle remains unsolved. And before you know it…..
Ozzy does it again
Meh. I knew he was going to win as soon as I saw the clips from last week making it look like Edna beat him. So that’s it for Edna; she’s off to the jury. Before she goes, Jeff asks her what she will take back to her family. Just the fact that she could survive the extremes of the elements is something she thinks she can show to them.
Also that living up someone’s ass will only take you so far
And then Jeff sends her on her way. She’s happy to burn her buff on the way out since it smells so bad. Another unfortunate side effect of living in Benji’s butt.
After returning to camp, Albert lays thinking in the hammock. He talks about how everyone has been all gung ho about honor and integrity, but he admits in the game of Survivor he could give a rat’s ass about those things. He really doesn’t.
Hantzy comes over for a little chat, asking if Albert has realized that it’s impossible for Benji and the two of them NOT to make the final three. Albert points out that Ozzy could fuck them up if he comes back from Redemption and wins immunity.
Inconceivable!
In real life Albert is only sticking with Hantzy for the numbers advantage. It also doesn’t hurt that Hantzy couldn’t be strategic if his life depended on it. Albert says Sophie should be the next to go and because Hantzy at his core is terrified of women, he agrees.
Hantzy thinks this is fate and they are in god’s hands. I bet god wishes he had some Purell right about now.
While this little chat is going on, Sophie and Benjamin are having a talk of their own. The way Sophie sees it, Ozzy is the most dangerous player. Not only does he do well at challenges, but he gets the last time to talk with every person that’s come through Redemption. He gets to feed them and comfort them after they’ve gotten the boot before sending them off to the jury house.
Hey now! What else does she think is going on over at Redemption Island?
Hmmmm……maybe that will be the title of Ozzy’s next porn project.
She tells Benjamin that they have got to send Hantzy to Redemption; that way they put the two most dangerous people in the game up against each other and at least one of them is gone. She talks about the fact that Hantzy has been putting on a good act as of late, seeming to be the MOST loyal, the MOST trustworthy, the most godly man out there.
Also, the most likely to murder that hammock for being such a jezebel
They call Rick over and ask if he’s on board with a Hantzy vote. Yup. Looks like there’s a plan in place.
But wait! A little later, Albert approaches Benji and says that he feels Sophie is the biggest threat in the game. He thinks they should take Hantzy to the end instead of her. Benjamin knew they were all going to start turning on each other, but he still finds it to be disheartening. He thinks Albert is so threatened by Sophie because she is smarter than him; she speaks up at tribal council and is not the timid little mouse he thought she was.
You know me so well
Benji counters that Hantzy is more likely to get jury votes than Sophie. I’m not sure I agree with him on that one. He is in the middle of continuing this line of thought when Hantzy himself appears wanting to know what they’re talking about.
Wanna pray?
Albert covers by saying they are talking about jury threats, but Hantzy is not buying it and says they’re making him nervous. Benjamin tells him not to sound like Russell; they just told him what the conversation was, they were talking about jury votes.
He cautions Hantzy against coming and trying to bully them. Seriously. Benjamin thinks he’s turned into a bully. Bully, bully, bully.
What are you trying to say?
Benjamin tells us that this really pissed him off. He thinks Hantzy’s dad came down and gave him a shot of the Hantz. Bullying people isn’t gonna help him right now; in fate, it’s only gonna help seal his fate. Also? He doesn’t appreciate Hantzy interrupting his conversation. LOL! That shit happens all the time there!
What he has said has hurt Hantzy’s feelings. Truth hurts, Benji tells him. Hantzy doesn’t feel like he’s acted like Russell at all and he doesn’t understand who Benji just blew up at him like that. Benji apologizes for comparing him to Russell and Hantzy wants a hug to make everything all better. Benji obliges.
Making sure to shove his stinky armpit in Hantzy’s face for good measure.
Benjamin tells us that the apple never falls far from the tree, and having meeting HantzyPantzy’s daddy was double confirmation of what he needs to do for his next move. Hilariously, Hantzy walks right up behind Benjamin right after he says this. That kid has impeccable timing this week!
Hey! What’s up? Whatcha talking ‘bout? Can I get a hug?
Time for the immunity challenge which involves a giant rainbow wall with ropes hanging down it. So the rope hanging down the wall has five bags of puzzle pieces attached to it that each contestant has to retrieve, starting from the bottom up. Once they’ve got all five bags they can start on the puzzle with is a matching game. All the pieces except three will match up into pairs. The three remaining pieces will reveal a number code. Then they need to go back up the wall and use that code to unlock a box, raising their flag. Not only will the winner get immunity but also reward in the form of pizza, garlic bread and soda delivered to them in camp.
I KNOW that’s worth playing for!
If you say so, Jeff.
They draw for spots and then it’s time to GO! Hantzy and Rick are off to the best start, both getting their first bag rather quickly. Coach and Sophie follow while Albert struggles untying his bag. Some tumbles happen along the way and a few of them may have some nasty rope burns when this is all done.
Hantzy and Rick maintain the lead and they are the first two to get all their bags. They start working on the puzzle as Benjamin gets his final bag. It comes down to Hantzy and Benjamin working their puzzles the fastest. Hantzy thinks he’s got the three pieces he needs and climbs the wall to try out his code.
And he wins.
Praise be.
Jeff fastens the immunity necklace around his neck and then tells Hantzy he gets to pick one person to share his pizza reward with back at camp. The other are NOT allowed to have any. HantzyPantzy says his daddy told him to play with his heart (they must have cut that part out). This isn’t a strategic move or he would be choosing someone else….. he picks…….the silent cowboy.
Yee Haw!
As they head back to camp Benji tells us he believes in divine intervention and it must just not be Hantzy’s time to go. He saved his own skin by winning immunity and Benji is at peace with that.
PISSED, but at peace
Ha! The pissed part I believe; the at peace part? Naaaaaah. Not so much.
We take a quick break (pizza cooking takes some time, y’all) and we come back just in time to catch the delivery guy on his rounds.
Being the new guy sucks!
As the others look on, Hantzy picks up his pizza from the guy. Meanwhile, Sophie tells us that this is the worst thing that could have happened. Now the guy that was supposed to be going tonight is safe. No worries though; she has a plan B. She thinks the way to go is going to be voting out Albert.
She asks Benji who he’s thinking and he says Albert, so they are on the same page. Albert has been getting on both their nerves more and more and more since the merge. Now they just need Rick or Hantzy to be with them and it’s a done deal.
Albert joins her and Benjamin and Sophie says she kinda just wants to smell the pizza. And so she goes off to join Hantzy and Rick. This doesn’t fool Albert who thinks she’s over there trying to talk them into whatever plan she’s got cooking. He is correct.
“FYI…..I’m voting Albert tonight.”
Rick says he is voting for Albert as well and then tells her and Hantzy about the conversation he had with Albert the day before. Sophie says Albert is the sneakiest person out there and Hantzy looked shocked by what has just been said.
He tells us it is crazy at camp. There are a lotta people that don’t know how to tell the truth and he is speaking specifically towards Albert.
I’m speaking about him as well, while facing towards him.
He says he has got to talk to Albert and Albert puts his foot in his mouth, he is so outta there.
Off he goes for the confrontation, telling Albert he heard that Albert said to Rick that the two of them would be going to the final three. Albert says he has never turned his back on Hantzy during this whole entire game.
That’s because I’m afraid you’ll KILL me, but I’ll just leave that part out
Hantzy wants to clarify that Albert has NEVER told ANYONE except Benji and himself that they were going to the final three, final two, anything. Albert says he has no reason to lie to Hantzy, deftly avoiding a direct answer. This is really hard for Hantzy to hear, so of course he wants to gather everyone up for a game of he said, he said.
They do just that and Albert sticks to his denial of promising Rick anything while Rick calls him a liarpants with Sophie saying she was promised final three as well. Rick is really pissed about Albert lying here and goes on and on, even bringing up when Albert tried to work with dawn and Whitney to vote Rick out. He denies that and Hantzy yells that they told everyone all about it.
Sophie is happy to see the lies exposed because now instead of a nice little blindside, Albert gets to go out looking even more pathetic than he’s looked this entire game. She tries to say something about strategic value to him, but Albert interrupts her which really pisses her off.
Maybe he was just trying to tell you that your boob is hanging out.
I don’t fucking care about my fucking boob! I’m trying to talk dammit!
She says it’s like Albert is in the toilet bowl and Hantzy and Benji and her and Rick all need to have a little chance at flushing him down. He keeps trying to scramble back up but she thinks Jeff will finally be able to flush him. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard one Survivor contestant compare another to stubborn poo.
You’re welcome
Albert knows he has some MAJOR damage control to do. So he goes off to find Hantzy. He points out that Rick has been calling him a princess; does Hantzy think that makes him want to go to the end with the guy? He tells him that it no matter what he has said to anyone else, he has always remained loyal to Hantzy. He just doesn’t want Hantzy to close his heart to him and he feel like it is right now.
Hantzy tells him his heart isn’t closed to him and tells us that he’s not sure what to do; he thinks Albert’s a bit like a wild card. But he also loves Albert; Albert is his friend. Who is he not to forgive? After all, he’s an imperfect man himself. He forgives him.
Albert is unaware of this dialogue and is continuing to make his case saying that whatever he has out here with any of people is nothing compared to what he has with Hantzy.
I feel the same way
Albert just finishes saying he’s not a bad dude when Hantzy tells him he is not voting for him. He just made up his mind. And not only is he not voting for Albert, he’s thinking about giving Albert his immunity necklace because he knows Albert would never vote for him and Benji would never vote for him.
You really are a crazy ass mother fucker
Hantzy goes off to talk to Benjamin. He says Benji knows he is Hantzy’s best friend here. Uh, yeaaah. And by now Benji knows that god speaks to Hantzy.
If you say so….you batshit little gnome
He tells Benji he would never make a decision that would hurt either of them. He’s praying Benji accepts this. He then lays out his plan to give the necklace to Albert. He knows Benji would never vote for him or do anything that would send him home.
***Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod***
Benji is holding it together nicely here and gives no indication to Hantzy that his prayers may have just been answered by Hantzy’s foolishness. Hantzy thinks this would be the pinnacle of why they are out there: forgiving. For if they cannot forgive their brother, how will their heavenly father forgive them?
I’d disown you for your stupidity if I was your heavenly father. Shit. Even if I was just your regular father!
Benjamin tells us he wants things to be easy and simple and earlier today it was just that; Hantzy won immunity so Albert was going. Now with all of Hantzy’s forgiveness talk and let’s not forget the immunity necklace, it makes it so hard to decide what to do.
Benji asks Hantzy who he is voting for and he tells him Sophie; he honestly believes that this is what god wants them to do. Well, hold up now with that. Maybe this is what god wants HANTZY to do, but Benjamin is going to have to have his OWN conversation with god and see what his message is.
He needs to go pray. But he promises Hantzy that he will do whatever it is that god tells HIM to do. Fair enough, but god totally does not want you to write my name down, Hantzy replies. Okay, then, gotta go pray!
You’d think a guy that’s had numerous attacks on his asshole would refrain from offering it up to the whole world.
Yikes!
So Benjamin prays. And he prays, and then he prays some more. Guess what? There was one name in his head over and over and over again. And then he cleaned the slate and asked for it again. And it was the same name again and again and again. He tells us his soul has never grieved as it does in this moment. Yeah, right.
What? It’s totally true. I’m always so sad when god tells me to do exactly what I want to do
I love how he talks about hearing the same name over and over in his head. Uh, YEAH. That’s because it’s what you want to do you arrogant asshole! Just own it instead of hiding behind a lie of divine intervention. GAH!
So off we go to tribal council. Before Jeff can even ask him what it feels like to be safe, Hantzy announces that he is giving his immunity necklace to Albert.
Are you high?
The jury looks at him like he a nutter, and I’m at home thinking this cannot possibly actually happen. It would just be too good. He’s gonna totally chicken out, right?
NOPE.
Oh. My. God. What a moron. Who the hell gives up immunity like that?
Hey! It happens!
Yeah, TO IDIOTS.
Hantzy says he has prayed a lot with Albert and he knows that without the necklace that Albert would be going to Redemption. He is honoring the commitments that he’s made. So let’s get this straight, Jeff says, you made a deal with Albert that if he was ever in trouble you’d lay down on the sword for him. Um, yeah.
That’s not quite right, Benji says. He tells Jeff that this afternoon Hantzy was all gung ho about voting Albert out and then he prayed and he felt like he should give the necklace to Albert. Hantzy says it’s hard to explain because his loyalty is a little different.
He talks about when he was younger and in a sort of gang that everyone would talk all the time about having each other’s backs and he really meant it. He really would have given his life for those guys. Funny thing is that when the rumble would happen Hantzy would be standing there all alone.
I guess they got the wrong directions or something
Jeff wonders if this is where the “Loco” tattoo comes from. Yup. He was crazy for being so loyal to people that obviously didn’t feel the same way about him. But he just knows his tribe mates will stay loyal to him now. Jeff reminds him that they are playing a game for a million dollars.
He considers Benjamin and Albert to be his best friends because of the connection with Christ that they share. He was drawn to them immediately. Benji is looking reeeeaaaallly uncomfortable here, but Albert agrees that he shares a spiritual bind with Hantzy and Benji that he just doesn’t feel with Sophie or Rick.
So Jeff wonders if there is a part of him as a Christian man that wants to take the necklace off and offer the same gesture back to Hantzy?
Nope
Albert says if he really thought Hantzy was in trouble he’d TOTALLY give it back, but he knows he’s not so he won’t. Jeff asks if Sophie believes that and she says she doesn’t know what to believe form Albert anymore. He been sneaky and she doesn’t trust him.
Rick admits that he’s worried; he knows he’s in trouble and that his neck is on the block, even moreso because someone has the idol. Jeff is like wait a minute! Someone has the idol. Yeah, Benji has it but they all know and have known so it’s not like Rick let anything slip. Benjamin hints that he might just play it, saying it’s always better to be safe than be sorry.
Jeff points out that that means it’s down to Rick, Sophie or Hantzy. Yep, and Rick is curious to see if Albert really would give antsy back the necklace if he thought he was in trouble. Oh, Rick. I think you and I both know the answer to that one.
Has Hantzy now realized that he might not be as safe as he thought he was. Oh, yes. He now believes that tonight might just be his night. So. Given that, does Albert want to give the necklace back?
What part of no don’t you understand?
He thinks all the talk is just that and he truly does not believe that Hantzy is in any danger of going so he is not giving the necklace back. Jeff pulls Benji into this and he says he is at complete peace with his decision tonight because he prayed over it and everything will be as it should be.
Is Hantzy at peace? Nope. Why? Because he knows that Benji will do whatever it is that god told him to do even it that means he votes out Hantzy.
Alrighty then! Time to vote. We see everyone’s vote except for Benji’s. Rick and Sophie vote for Hantzy, Hantzy and Albert vote for Sophie. And the person going home tonight is……..
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! I honestly don’t think that I have ever laughed so hard. What a dumb ass.
As Hantzy gets up to get his torch Benjamin tells him “It’s god’s will. Go win Redemption.” And Hantzy actually hugs him before he goes!!!!
Damn, Gasmi. Russell must be losing his shit right about now.
Oh man. My sides hurt from laughing so hard.
So what did you think, Gasmi? Did you think he’d really go through with it? Were you shocked that he did? What about Benjamin blaming his vote on god?
At this point they have really set it up for Ozzy to win as long as he can stay in it to the final three (just two immunity challenges away!). Is there anyone that wouldn’t vote for him at this point? I am really curious to see what these people will say at the final tribal council; we have the potential for some super bitter Bettys!
See you there!
SWAK, PottyMouth
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they're posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!
>
source: |
