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I want to apologize for this being so late! It's been a crazy week but we're finally to the season finale. Was this not the longest ten episode season ever? Are you guys ready for our last glimpse into the lives of these so-called "real" teens of America? Let's get started.
Previously: Tony has a little sister named Eura who looks like a 40-year-old hooker and doesn't speak, Daisy is screwing Abbud (ew), Stanley sort of got a handjob from Michelle, and Tony is a huge douche who gave everyone chlamydia.
Anyone remember her? Yeah, we've seen her like twice and she's never spoken. So now we have an episode centered around her?
We open with a quick montage of the following scenes:
-Tony lying in bed thinking (most likely about how awesome he is instead of what an ass he is).
-Tea smoking and stalking Closet Lesbian.
-Michelle and Stanley eating ice cream on a pier, even though they're both wearing winter clothes. Seriously, Michelle has on gloves, a hat, and a scarf. Weren't they wearing bathing suits like two episodes ago? The writers don't even give a shit anymore.
-Daisy and Abbud getting dressed after another sex session.
-Chris waking up in his treehouse.
-Eura playing solitaire on Tony's bed while he's staring at the ceiling.
Downstairs at Tony's house, his parents are discussing how weird he's being. You mean quiet? I wouldn't complain about that. Meanwhile, Eura is standing in the kitchen listening to them. Then she starts stripping. No, I'm not kidding. It's really weird…I mean her DAD is right there.
Then she starts pouring something she pulled out of the fridge over her head. I thought it was butter, but I guess not because it's too runny. What IS that?
One of America's "real teens" is right here, ya'll. I mean who among us hasn't stripped in front of our parents? It's practically American tradition!
Cadie is visiting one of her many therapists again. She tells him that she just dumped her boyfriend, but she tells some elaborate story about running away to the Swiss border in a Maserati. Her counselor isn't stupid, so he wants to know why she's always telling stupid stories (although he doesn't necessarily call them stupid).
Her counselor makes a deal with her to tell a story that is at least 50% true. She says that she likes a boy and he likes her back. Even after ten episodes of this shit, I can't tell which half of that is true.
When Cadie leaves his office, Eura is in the hall waiting to see the counselor. He tells her that he'll be in his office if she decides she wants to come in and talk today. What genius parents that pay money for her to see a counselor when she doesn't even talk.
Stan and Michelle are still staring out at the bay and smoking. Michelle asks him if he's going to call Cadie and he says no. He has an assignment for school to do, so he leaves.
I kind of like the colder weather. I was getting tired of seeing Michelle's bra.
After Stan leaves, Eura approaches Michelle. Eura hands her a note that says a bunch of teenage bullshit about love and blah blah. However, on the other side of the note is this picture:
Oops. Michelle tells Eura she got the wrong girl. I think that's supposed to be Tea.
Dear Lord. Is Tony too stupid to know how to write a damn name on the paper? Or at least tell his poor sister who to approach with his bullshit letter? Michelle rips the letter and throws it in the water. Eura starts crying and runs away for some reason even though none of this has anything to do with her. It's not her fault her brother is a megadouche.
Back at her house, Eura goes into Tony's room and he tells her that Michelle texted him and that Eura shouldn't have done that. Um, what did Eura do? Why is she in the middle of all this? So now I'm confused as to what is going on. Did Tony want her to give someone the note? Did he want her to give it to the wrong person just to be a douche? Did Eura find it and decide to give it on her own and if she did who did she intend to give it to? Why do I even care?
Eura's upset now, so she sneaks out later that night.
At Abbud's house, a lady who I'm going to assume is a real estate agent is showing some people the house - including the tree house out back. The lady want to see the inside of the treehouse for some odd reason, so they start climbing up the ladder.
Who does that?
Chris is inside the treehouse sleeping and Abbud calls him to tell him to get his ass out of there because his dad's realtor is showing the house today. Chris hears people outside and tries to get rid of all the pills, weed, booze, and condoms lying around. You know, just another one of our "realistic" teens of America.
He's also naked.
The poor lady peeks in, sees Chris and his penis, and falls off the ladder.
Tea is still stalking Closet Lesbian. I also want to mention that it is snowing outside. I grew up three hours west of Baltimore and I can tell you there is absolutely ZERO time of year where it snows, gets warm enough to swim, then snows again within a month or two. So unless this is spanning over two school years with summer in between, this show sucks.
Tea approaches Closet Lesbian at the bus stop and they argue about Tea being a pseudo-lesbian and her chlamydia problem. Tea just wants to have coffee and talk but Closet Lesbian tells her to fuck off.
I like her a little more now.
Stanley is supposed to be doing homework with Daisy, but instead he's playing the guitar and singing very badly. I will again transcribe the lyrics verbatim for your amusement:
"I look at the stars and I see the moon
I look out the window and I see the birds in the sky
I look in her eyes and it's as beautiful as outside my window
She smells like flowers and tastes like butter
Oh, I guess it is homework for a "music expression assignment". Whatever the hell that is.
I'm going to go off on another tangent here because I feel like it and it's the last episode. I know quite a few of you commenters/readers are UK Skins fans. Remember the first season finale when Sid (UK's version of Stan) was walking around singing "Wild World"? How freaking awesome was that? And Sid could actually sing. Too bad they didn't pass that trait on to our Stan here. Okay, moving on.
Stan has to get an 'A' on this music assignment or he'll fail the entire year. I'm surprised he didn't already fail because I highly doubt he's been going to school every day. Also, it's now the end of the school year? Last time I checked, it didn't snow in Baltimore in June. Maybe Baltimore does their school year from March to December because that's the only damn thing that makes sense with the weather they're showing around here.
Daisy wants to know if Stan has talked to Cadie. He says no because she's still with Warren. I'm still convinced she's not with Warren and everyone just thinks she is, but whatever. Daisy tells Stan he needs to "send the signal". Ooooh more cryptic teenage talk. He wants her to show him how and she does this:
What the fuck is with teenagers and staring at people they like? It's not a "signal" or sexy or whatever. It's just creepy and weird.
Stan's a fucking weirdo and thinks the "signal" is amazing. Stupid fucking teenagers. That must be how Daisy landed a stud like Abbud.
Chris and Abbud decide to crash in Tina's empty apartment since she went back to North Dakota. Chris says he's moving in. So…who's paying the rent?
Abbud is going to crash there for the night since his parents are still mad about the whole treehouse incident and want to send him to a Muslim rehab in Bangladesh. Abbud admits that he loves Daisy and it's not just mindless screwing. Wow, he got over Tea fast.
Will someone please tell me what hell Chris did to his hair?
Chris and Abbud decide to get drunk. Surprise.
Meanwhile Tea decides to call Tony and apologize for making Tony want her. Oh dear lord. Really?? She and Tony deserve each other. They're both so full of themselves. Tony tells her that he loves her and Tea says "I know" and hangs up.
After staring at the phone mournfully for a minute, Tony gets a text from an unknown number.
I'm glad they managed to spell at least one word correctly.
I'm really afraid for society that our future is going to look like this. You know how we look back on Old English and it looks really weird? I'm afraid one day people are going to look back on grammatically correct English and be really confused because it has all those extra letters and little dots at the ends of some words.
Then he gets another text because Eura's kidnapper can't type more than four words per message.
An apostrophe AND a period? There's hope for us yet.
Tony takes his pudgy body (wearing only underwear…yuck) into Eura's room and sees a lump under her covers. Of course it's just pillows under the blankets, so he gets dressed (thank God) and goes to find her.
Tea is visiting Closet Lesbian in the hospital. She's getting surgery on her knee or ankle or something like that. I don't know what part of "I don't want to see you" Tea doesn't understand. Closet Lesbian is on a bunch of drugs, so she's in a fairly good mood, but she still doesn't like Tea. She calls her a bitch and Tea tells her that she's wrong. Closet Lesbian does a 180 and tells Tea that she wants her in here. I have no idea what she means by that. Wants her in her in WHERE? In the bed? In the hospital? In her vagina? I don't know.
In her hospital gown?
Stan is at home watching old videos of himself, Michelle, and Tony when they were little. Tony and Stan were fighting over rescuing the "princess" (Michelle). Of course they are. Everyone knows that girls can't play a hero or fight people.
Michelle was not a cute kid.
Tony keeps calling Stan, but Stan doesn't answer his phone. Then a chat from Cadie pops up on Stan's computer. She tells him that she's outside so Stan walks out to see her. She tells him that Warren went to Wyoming. Cadie wants to talk about what's going on with her and Stan, then she leans in and kisses him. Michelle happens to be across the street and sees the whole thing.
And is carrying a bag of "cheesy loops"?
Stan wants to know what happens now and Cadie tells him that he has to figure out how it ends. He seems as confused as I do and Cadie says it means "the truth". I have no idea what she's talking about. I don't think Stan does either.
Later on, Cadie is seeing her therapist again. She's blabbing about Stan but she's been talking in riddles this whole episode for some reason so no one can understand anything she's talking about.
Meanwhile Tony stops by Stan's house since he won't answer his phone. Stan assumes it's about Michelle, but he actually just wants help finding Eura. It would have been nice if the kidnappers sent a text about where she was.
Over at Tina's old apartment, Daisy and Michelle stop by to see Chris and Abbud. Tony and Stan are there too and then Tea shows up. Everyone starts bitching at whoever they're mad at until Stan tells them that Eura is missing.
Then he shows Michelle this awesome text message.
Michelle thinks the whole thing is a joke then another text comes in:
Oooo now we have some capital letters! These kidnappers are getting smarter by the minute!
I guess the picture in the last text is from some club because Chris knows where to go. Once they get there, everyone runs through the crowd of sweaty teens yelling for Eura. It's hard to tell what happens next because there's loud music, it's dark, and we have blinky rave lighting going on, but someone punches Tony. Knowing him, it could be one of his own friends though and not necessarily Eura's kidnappers.
Everyone jumps in the fight and there are punches flying everywhere. Finally our group breaks away and runs to the back where Tony and Tea realize they are holding hands. Michelle notices too.
They finally spot Eura - or a video of her anyways. They are playing a video of her stripping on the overhead screen.
So I guess this is a child porn rave.
Tony starts crying and then calls his dad. Of course his dad can barely hear anything Tony is saying, but he jumps in his car and leaves to find them anyways.
At the rave, Stan wanders back into some "VIP section".
There's no security and the sign looks like it was written in magic marker. I hope no one paid a lot for those passes.
He spots Eura sitting by herself in the back at some rickety old table. And oh my God, Eura speaks!! She wants to know if Tony is here. Eura made the whole thing up to get Tony out of bed. Wow. What a great sister. So who punched Tony then?
Stan is pissed and tells Eura that she is the only person in the world that Tony really loves. Eura says Stan is the one that Tony loves - oh and Tea (or "the boy-girl" as Eura calls her...I'm assuming she means Tea?).
Eura tells Stan to tell Tony that she'll see him at home. Apparently she stayed at Cadie's last night and Stan is pissed at both of them now.
Cadie's still speaking in riddles. She wants Stan to express himself so he grabs Eura and throws her over his shoulder and takes her up on stage and shouts for Tony. Everyone boos and Eura runs off. Stan grabs the microphone and starts singing Tears for Fears "Shout".
He's slightly better at this genre than the acoustic one.
Cadie then joins him onstage and starts singing. Michelle stares at them and cries.
MTV tries to do some edgy editing for the finale.
Cadie starts crowd surfing and everyone is cheering for Stan as he continues singing. Then we get a whole damn music video staring Stan.
On the floor, Daisy confronts Abbud and says that she knows that he loves her. He starts yelling that he doesn't, but she walks away.
Later that night, Tony and Eura arrive back home with their dad and he grounds them both and sends them to bed. Eura tells her mom goodnight and her mom is just amazed that she talked.
Somewhere else, Daisy and Abbud are talking about their problems. Abbud says she can't expect him to not fall in love with her because he can't help it. Then she does "the look" on Abbud and apparently it works on his dumb ass because they have sex again.
This just looks like "blank face" to me. Will someone care to explain this to me? Does it work on any of you? Maybe it's because I'm female.
In the hospital, Tea is sitting outside Closet Lesbian's room for some reason. She stands up and stares at her for a few minutes before taking her clothes off and crawling in bed with her. Is that allowed? She's not even under the covers, so was it really necessary to strip down to her underwear?
Some poor nurse is in for a shock when she checks up on Closet Lesbian in the morning.
At Tony and Eura's house, Tony is falling asleep on Eura's lap while she strokes his hair. It's kind of cute but he's still a douche.
Outside in the snow, Chris and Stan are walking around town with a bottle of vodka. Stan tells Chris that his parents went to DC, so Chris can sleep in their bed as long as he doesn't puke in it.
While Chris is puking all over the bushes, Stan notices Michelle sitting on his porch. They start making out all over the porch. I'm confused. I thought he was into Cadie now. I can't keep up.
Anyways, that's it. This was kind of lame as far as season finales go. I was expecting something major to happen (like in the first season UK Skins - that one was CRAZY!). Maybe they're not really expecting this show to come back for a second season (please God) and didn't want to end with a crazy cliffhanger.
What did you guys think?? Anyone expect a second season? Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. Love you all!! >
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