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Happy Day After Thanksgiving Gasmii! I hope everyone had a great time yesterday. Now that the feasting is behind us, let’s spend some holiday quality time with our favorite polygamist family, The Browns!
This week on Sister Wives, the ladies party on the strip while Kody watches all 16 kids and Bill the trainer is back!
We begin this episode at the gym; the ladies have been working out with Bill for the past month. Meri wants to step up her fitness efforts so she will be working out with Bill 4 to 5 days a week. If this were a more salacious show, I would accuse her of canoodling with the trainer, but this is Meri and if she has to wear a long-sleeved shirt under every tank top she owns, it’s unlikely she and Bill are doing any extra-special “working out”. There’s a reason Aaron Spelling never set a show in Lehi, Utah.
Meri likes Bill because he gets her; he sees how stressed out she is all the time, and he lets her know that it will either keep her from achieving her goals, or she can channel that stress to fuel her workouts and release it. Bill is a Jedi, yo!
"Stress leads to anger. Anger leads to fat. Learn this you will. Yoda Green my shirt is."
Janelle is making excellent progress and tells us she is already feeling the difference and Bill is super supportive of her. Christine wants to do three days a week and has a fun rapport with Bill, and working out has helped her through an emotionally difficult time. Apparently Christine is highly susceptible to post-partum depression and it hit her hard after Truly was born. Add the stress of a new wife and the move to Vegas, and Christine started to spiral. To help cope, she went on medication and she’s halfway off of it. The other ladies did not know she was tapering off the meds, and they’re happy for her.
Mad props for Christine!
Christine acknowledges that exercise and Bill have helped this process. She broke down in tears after a workout and Bill provided her emotional support and let her know that it was a good thing, that exercise needs to be an emotional release right now. Long story short - Bill is providing the ladies with the emotional support they don’t always get at home. He’s like an unofficial brother husband.
Since the whole experience has been so positive, the Browns have finally decided what their new business will be: they are going to open their own fitness center! If Bill doesn’t own the gym they’re going to, the first order of business needs to be recruiting Bill.
Apparently I’m psychic because Bill is on board for the new gym. Kody, since he’s Mr. Super Ultra Positive, has become BFF with Bill.
"I cause the stress and you clean it up. We're like yin and yang, brah!"
Bill found an investor and has gym skills while Kody can sell. YES! They have a plan! Things are looking up for the Brown family. Their new investment partner breaks it down: the success of this venture depends on location, location, location. Janelle thinks they need a place with parking because people will find any excuse not to go to the gym. I have an idea - make the outside look like an In-and-Out burger or a doughnut shop. If you can’t get people excited about exercise, get them excited about burgers and donuts and to get them in the door. Once they’re in, you can guilt them into staying.
Kody and the ladies are stoked that everything is coming together. The Investor knows his stuff, and he isn’t judging their family. This new ventures will keep them super busy - GOOD. That is exactly what they need. I’m happiest for Janelle because I think she’ll be heavily involved in the business aspect of their new gym and it will boost her self-esteem.
The problem with filming a good-natured Mormon family is that they don’t create much drama themselves. This means it’s up to TLC to manufacture drama whenever possible, and what better way to create conflict than to send these four ladies into the heart of sin city while making Kody stay home and watch 16 kids? I don’t think there is very much on the strip for these gals. They don’t drink, gamble, or desire to pay young women to take their clothes off, so unless they’re off to see a show, I think they’d be better off doing almost anything else. Oh wait, that’s the POINT - confront the naive and sheltered ladies with booze and boobies!
In honor of ladies night, the wives head to a salon for makeovers, mani-pedis and girl talk. This gives the Browns another opportunity to set themselves apart from the creepy polygamists. Robyn explains that while the FLDS (Warren Jeffs’ church) requires women to wear those awful prairie dresses and Snooki pouf braids, the contemporary polygamist church has not placed a prohibition on makeup and sassy hairdos. As for their fashion choices, the Brown wives cover their bodies because god wants them to be modest. That’s fine, but I am almost certain that God wants you to stop wearing spaghetti-strap tank tops over long sleeved t-shirts.
Christine tells us that modest is hottest. While a rhyme doesn’t make something true, I am inclined to agree that modesty is far more attractive than blatant sexuality. I still draw the line at the awkward layering. The layering in this episode isn’t too bad. Maybe we’ve finally reached them! Or maybe my eyes have been beaten into submission and it just doesn’t bother me anymore. You decide:
Janelle and Robyn get points for actual long sleeved tops, and Meri and Christine get 0.5 points for not wearing a plain white shirt under their other shirts.
All this modesty talk brings up the subject of modest dress and their teenage daughters. Apparently this is their greatest struggle with their teen girls, who dress “provocative” to rebel. Mykelti is the worst offender.. By provocative, they mean show a little cleavage or shoulder; none of them dress like would be strippers. It could be so much worse, ladies. Your kids could be pregnant meth addicts with criminal records.
All the moms are agreed that they are not down with piercing or tattoos, but Janelle says it’s their choice when they are adults. These parents are remarkably easygoing about what their kids will do when they’re grown. It’s nice to see them recognize that they have to let their kids make their own choices. While they’re living under one of the many Brown roofs, rules are rules. Robyn points out that the kids will thank them later, and she’s right. If it wasn’t for Mama Baldy, I would be haunted with a tramp stamp of the Sublime sun.
Picture this bad boy lower and distorted by back fat. Yeah, I know. THANKS MAMA BALDY!
Once their makeover is finished, the ladies pose for a pic and they all look great. Especially Janelle - she's quite the hottie in this picture!
It’s not just Ladies’ Night, it’s also Kody and 16 kids night. He’ll be conducting his solo parenting mission out of Christine’s house. As Robyn and Janelle explain things to him, the look on his face goes from “I’m listening” to “I’m fucked.”
"Okay, this sounds like a lot of work."
"Please don't leave me." Janelle is using the Jedi Mind Trick on him to keep him from running.
Dayton needs a ton of attention to get his homework done - Kody confirms for us that he has Asperger’s syndrome and will either get into a zen focus or become completely distracted. He will need to find a way to monitor what Dayton is doing while paying attention to a bunch of other little kids and a baby. This is starting to sound like the plot of a terrible ABC family movie.
Lucky for Kody, the teens are on hand to help out. Kody is so stressed about taking care of all of these kids at once that he bribes Logan and Madison with an offer to drive his Lexus to pick up some of the other kids! They’re thrilled!
"Quality time with the 5th wife!?!? BEST DAY EVER!"
Meanwhile, Kody notices that Dayton is having trouble concentrating, so he suggests that Dayton work on his homework in Christine’s room so he can work without being distracted. I think this is a good plan - I don’t think any kid could focus with so many people running around and talking. I sure wouldn’t be able to focus. I also would not be able to make it through ten minutes in that house without a few drinks.
As the ladies cruise the Strip, Janelle lets us know that life on the Strip is so far removed from their everyday life in Vegas that it’s like being in a foreign world. Foreign, schmoreign, the word you are looking for is MAGICAL. A bright, shiny magical world of round-the-clock gambling, booze, smoking and whores! WHOOO! What on earth are these ladies going to do for fun tonight?
You're going to be walking for a while, methinks
Back at the house, Logan and Madison have collected Mykelti who is WEARING A TIGHT TANK TOP WITH NO LONG SLEEVE SHIRT UNDERNEATH IT! This is the Brown family equivalent of mom finding a pregnancy test box in your bathroom trash. Kody is PISSED. Mykelti’s defense? The outfit was required for a French project she was working on at school. He seems to let it go, but COME ON! REALLY? I call bullshit.
Mykelti's French Club is a sinful den of flesh! That, or it's just another "Fuck you, parents!"
The ladies have found the one of the only things you can do on the strip that does not involve sin - ZIP LINING! Robyn won’t be able to go since she’s pregnant, and apparently Janelle is not interested. Christine and Meri are all over it! You can tell they had a good time - when is the last time these two ladies looked this happy?
"That was better than sex!"
"I know, right? I mean, I really do know because....AWKWARD!"
When they land on the other side, who is there to greet them but THE HOLY FATHER AND JEEBUS! The ladies are not exactly amused, but they let it go. Or at least, that’s what we see. I’m surprised Christine didn’t ask what them what they think of her outfit or the fact that she and three other ladies share a husband. If you’re going to ask someone pretending to be a puritan, why not badger the guy who is pretending to be The Lord?
"Oh, so you’re the Lord? Guess what, LORD -we’re married to the same guy! How do you like them apples? SAY SOMETHING DAMMIT, I DARE YOU!! You two are lucky I'm still on a zipline high or I would REALLY let you have it"
Back at the house, it’s time for pizza! Having to take care of 16 kids = no cooking. I totally support it. I have one me and zero kids and cooking in the Baldy house doesn’t happen most nights. Unless toasting Eggo waffles counts; if it counts, I am a master chef.
It’s crowded around the dinner table - the problem with having everyone in one of the Vegas houses is that they can’t accommodate everyone.
Kody checks in on Dayton and low and behold, he’s almost done with his homework! Kody is almost as proud of Dayton as he is of himself for finding a way for Dayton to focus. Kody actually says “I got homework done!” Well, not really.
"I got homework done all by myself! Oh, and Dayton was there too."
I do think it is good that he is trying to hep Dayton become more independent. Robyn’s method of sitting with him to make sure he does his homework isn’t going to serve him well unless she plans on following him around for the rest of his life.
Since LadyBaldy is critical, it needs to be said. WHY IS KODY WEARING SUNGLASSES IN THE HOUSE AT NIGHT?
Get a headband or a haircut. Love, LB.
Kody is happy that his wives are having a ladies night, but he’s also sullen that he does not get to go have a guy’s night. Kody, you have four wives who have to do most of the emotional heavy lifting in your relationship and take care of your kids. EVERY NIGHT IS KODY’S NIGHT.
They’re not that far into the night and he’s already sending SOS texts:
Even though it’s blurred out, I’m pretty sure this says “PLEASE SEND HELP”
As the kids are milling around after dinner, Kody is trying to get the kids to clean up when we have the second drama of the night - drugs. One of the little girls is SNIFFING A MARKER! OMFG you guys! Kody leaps into action to lecture them about huffing while they stare at him like he is crazy. Aspyn listens patiently for a moment before jumping in.
"Um, Dad? You’re digging a hole with your mouth again."
It turns out that the markers are SCENTED markers - they’re supposed to be sniffed! This does not sit well with Kody, who has a point. Here kids, smell these markers, but not these markers!
As the evening wears on, Kody’s patience diminishes. He snaps at Mariah to quit sitting around and help clean up, and she comes back with the classic teenager defense of “How was I supposed to know, you didn’t ask me to do (fill in the blank!).” Mariah (and this goes for all teens), you are old enough to know that after dinner, the kitchen and dining room need to be cleaned up without someone having to tell you to do it.
"So I'm supposed to see a table full of dishes and somehow intuitively know to wash them? COME ON!"
Mariah later complains about how she has so much to do and no time to do it. Really? You didn’t seem concerned about time when you were chilling on the couch. WOW. I have become my parents.
Back on the strip! The ladies complain that they’re being followed by a monster, and they are; some dude dressed in a Predator costume is following them around. Not to burst some bubbles here, but he’s following the camera crew around.
Attention whore
The wives are not down with the Predator, but they’re delighted by robot guy! We have a ton of guys who dress like this in SF and dance. Christine gives him some money, and he wants some love in return! She air kisses his cheek because actually kissing him would gross her out. I don’t know if this is about her boundaries or germs, but either way I rolled my eyes.
Don't tell Kody, k?
Robot man sees Robyn’s belly and makes the sign of the cross, which just makes the ladies melt. Who could resist a street performer who loves Jesus! Predator comes back again and Robyn has had it! She hides behind Christine knowing that Christine can use her power of alienation to get rid of him.
Now that things are winding down back at home, Logan and Madison take Janelle’s little ones home, while Aspyn and Mykelti wrap things up at Christine’s. Kody takes Robyn’s kids back to her house. Everyone is tucked in and now all Kody has to do is wait for the ladies to come home. He texts and calls but no one is answering. When they finally call back, it sounds like they’re having fun. Actually, at first it sounds like someone is being murdered with the screaming. Kody whines about late it is, but instead of promising to come home, they’re like, yeah we know, rock on hahahah! Four against one, these ladies are not done yet!
The ladies wander too far on the strip and end up on the porno end. OOPS! They’re elbow deep in scantily clad dancers and porn ads, and they are not happy. Meri thinks it’s sad - those girls are daughters.
This is what a degree in Dance gets you. Your parents must be so proud!
Janelle realizes that people have the right to make their own choices. Some choose to be in the adult industry because they feel they have no choice, and some women choose it because they like the attention. Janelle gets to choose too and she chooses not to live that way. Well said! Much better than how I would put it - if you want to be a whore, that’s fine by me, just don’t try to take me whoreland with you.
Robyn points out that if Kody was motivated by sex, it’s easily available. Polygamy is definitely not about sex. It’s about having lots of wives and experiencing exponentially more nagging and bitching and bills than a monogamist man. Touche, Robyn.
After the fun-filled night on the strip, It’s weigh in day at the gym! The ladies are nervous. They’ve been working out for 30 days and want to see some serious results on the scale. Unfortunately, it does not work out that way and they haven’t lost much weight. Christine is discouraged; she knows it’s about a new routine, changing habits, becoming healthy, blah blah blah, but who gives a shit about that, she wants to lose the weight and be thin. Janelle takes a different attitude - she needs to make this about the journey to a healthier life or she will become discouraged.
Bill gives them a pep talk about real life change versus yo-yo dieting complete with a clipboard tossing demonstration, and that seems to help.
Oh, the clipboard is like the weight and you can PICK IT BACK UP! NOW I get it! Thanks Billy-One-Kanobi!
He reminds them again that stress is going to be the thing that holds them back, and he zeros in on Meri. Meri absorbs the stress of everyone around her and does not know how to let go. I thought being Christian was all about “let go, let God” and put your trust in the Lord, but who knows?
Meri needs a hug. Where's Bill when you need him?
Meri takes care of everyone else. Then I ask you Meri, who is taking care of YOU? We’ll have to wait until Sunday to find out!
And we’ve reached the end! Happy Thanksgiving, Gasmii! I’m very grateful to have such rad people reading my recaps and sharing their thoughts in the comments :D
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