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Previously on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:
Kyle called the government to report child endangerment, child porn, and littering when Brandi's son whipped out his wiener to pee in the backyard,
The last penis I saw whipped out for the public was being ingested by my niece. If someone's not making millions off of it, it's totally dirty you guys.
….Dana the new girl got so hungry at her own dessert party that she gnawed on Taylor's rubber neck like a chew toy,
….and the Witchards Sisters did my favorite sketch from SNL.
Hey you! I know you! I know you!
We open where we left off last week. It's Game Night. Black people are thoroughly offended. Dana looks like she's about to eat a piece of rented furniture. Taylor's sitting there all dime eyed licking the coke out of her gums. Kyle is calling Brandi pathetic. Brandi calls time out, and Kim slurs "Oh look you're the mom now?" and Brandi bites back "I AM A MOM!" What? Did you think you'd come back to this and suddenly this fight would make any kind of sense? For those of you who refuse to believe that Kim just might be an alcoholic, here's a pic for you:
Kyle starts in on how Brandi let her kid piss all over the yard without publicly flogging him for it. You let a kid pee publicly, what happens when he's in high school peeing in public or college peeing during exams or as an adult getting his pee all over his bride's dress? Brandi tells her not to f with her kids, and Kim slurs "Watch your language you goddamn cocksucking whore face!"
Kyle tries pulling Camille into the fight, asking if she would let her son piss all over everything. Camille says no, and she wouldn't let the homely girl's flag football team she calls her staff of nannies do it either. Brandi shouts that she doesn't have a zillion nannies like they do, and Camille gets ruffled at that one. If you need to call someone a bad parent, at least give her a chance to get one of her donkey faced Swiss girls on the phone so you can tell it to her. Camille's too rich for this poo.
Brandi doesn't have a good argument for why her kid should be able to piss wherever she wants, so she just shrugs and says it's no big deal. Kyle snaps that she's sure where Brandi comes from it isn't a big deal. DAMN!! Call me a slut all you want, but POOR?!? Brandi starts squealing like a pig left in an audition room with Ned Beatty. Kyle's mean! She's so right, and I am actually feeling bad for her right now. Not feeling bad for Eddie Cibrian, though. I want to send him a congratulations card.
Kyle has no pity for the sobbing gimp, and Kim rolls her eyes at her. So…Brandi squeals "at least I haven't been doing meth in the bathroom all night, BITCH." HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! In unrelated news, it looks like Taylor's ready to start dating again.
You know the cast of Basketball Wives is sitting around the TV right now shaking their heads at the poor behavior of these supposedly classy broads. Taylor and Dana are both smacking their lips, which looks odd if you've never been on a coke binge before. It's called dry mouth. Or Ally Sheedy acting. Kyle approaches Brandi, and Brandi squeals that if she fucking cock talks about her cock sucking fuck bitching kids again she'll fucking kill her! And get your crooked finger out my face while you're at it! She grabs Kyle's finger, and Taylor jumps in between them for her "ENOUGH! ENOUGH!" routine. This time it's a whole monologue, though. "No one will touch anyone! No one will lay a finger on anyone! No one will slap, push, trip, flick, wedgie, zerbert, tickle, or pet each other!" She is all shaky and dry mouthed, but Kim won't let her turn this into another freaky suitcase sob fest. Domestic abuse deserves its own episode and now's not the time. Kim ignores Tay and slurs "You're a pig slut" to Brandi. LOL! Kathy Hilton just logged into evite to double check that these witches aren't on her auto invite list.
Dana brings back the tennis ball Kyle threw across the living room for her. She pants "We live in Beverly Hills! We do our thing!" Um, thanks Dana. Now finish seran wrapping the desserts no one ate so you'll have something to binge on in the middle of the night while you're crying and wondering which slag your homely fiance is banging in another state at the moment. A lot happened here, and I don't want to go any further without giving Taylor's face the showcase it deserves.
She literally disappeared for a second in this one. Jesus.
Brandi, defeated, announces that she's going to leave. Kim slow claps. The girls all move to the other room to leave Dana alone kissing Brandi's ass. Kyle's not there to see it so I guess it's ok to be nice. She tells Brandi not to take it personally. If you cry when people say they hate you, you're a pig slut, a goddamn bitch and white trash, you're a pussy. Now here are your…wait. Where are the crutches? HAHAHAHAH!!! Kim is in the other room saying whore a few more times and telling Kyle that being called a meth head is the most offensive thing anyone's ever said about her. I take it she never read the reviews for Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell.
Well that was fun! The party ends, and the only one leaving fed is Brandi's ass.
Brandi says she never wants to see any of these bitches again. Can't unsign a contract, hooker! She's out, and Dana's back to panting and trying to lick Kim's cornhole. She says "I like you, Kim! Let's try and take a …. healthy vacation." HA! So now you're calling her a meth head too? Dana needs to just not talk ever. Kim laughs and tells Camille "Now you know what your insecure ass put us through last year!" Camille laughs in her "I just violently shit myself but I'm still richer than anyone in this room so suck it" laugh and brushes it off. Kyle apologizes for Kim, and Kim gets pissed at her. Kyle doesn't need to keep apologizing for her! Well someone does and you're not gonna do it for yourself. Just thank Kyle. I could use someone to follow me around apologizing for my bad behavior. I'd get a lot fewer anonymous flaming packages of dog poo on my doorstep if I had Kyle in my life.
Kim stumbles off to her car and no one stops her. Taylor knows she's not snorting crystal meth, but even if it's just Crystal Light, it can't be good to snort and drive. Think about the pedestrians! Actually, pedestrians are horrible people. Have a fun drive, Kim!
Taylor hangs with Camille a bit, and says that Brandi shouldn't call herself a slut and hate herself like that when there are perfectly capable hags waiting around to do it for her. So she's dating three guys at once. That's what you should do when you're divorced! Camille laughs uncomfortably and says she's not past the wiping her ass with hundred dollar bills all day part of the divorce process. Besides, there aren't three guys that wanna date her. You have a black Amex. You'll be fine. You're semi kinda maybe pretty, you're rich, and you've got giant saline sacks. Maybe someone with dry eyes will like you.
Meanwhile, Dana has Kyle cornered. "I love Kim as she is! Meth is awesome! We should totally do it! Let's take a trip! We're all about love! We love each other! We always have!" Kyle just stares at her for a minute and then slants her eyes. "Who?" HAHAHAHAHAH!! Dana: Us! You and your sister! We love each other! Blank blink. Blank blink. Blank blink. Kyle is silent. Love it.
Adrienne walks the mile to Lisa's to hang with her and Kyle. Kyle tells them about game night and starts by admitting that Kim didn't like B from the get go because of all the rumors around town about how B slashed Cibran's tires, etc. Ooooh. What's the etc.?!?! Kyle had also told Kim about the son pissing on the lawn, and Lisa is horrified that he did that. She says if her son did it she would yank his wiener until he learned that that was bad. Wow. That was a horrifying insight into Stoner Max's childhood. PS Lisa: In America we call that a handjob and you shouldn't do it on your kids. Even Cibrian's mom resisted that nastiness, and look what she had to deal with.
The long sad road to signing up on Megan's Law
Kyle tells them about the Winston Churchill thing, and Lisa cracks up and tells us she would have felt like she was swimming in Bimbo Stew. And I wouldn't put it past Lisa's unhygienic self to actually swim in soup. And then serve it at a dinner party. Kyle recounts the whole night, laughing about it all, but gets offended all over again when she gets to the "bring it, bitch!" part. So sanctimonious. Then she claims to not know what crystal meth is and thinks it's gas for a hybrid car. Uh-huh. Remember when Kathy called you crying cuz Paris was arrested with crystal meth in her purse again? THAT'S WHAT.
Adrienne thinks Kyle is in denial about Kim's issues and if it's not crystal it's something. Lisa calls Brandi a bitch, but in her accent I guess it's polite instead of downright horrifying like when Brandi says it. They all have a good laugh and look forward to whatever bs party they have coming up so they can stone Brandi in the street.
Taylor goes to meet Brandi at a muffin shop for lunch. Brandi apparently won't eat anywhere without ice cream or muffins. I like her more every episode. Taylor says that she feels for B because she likes reveling in people's pain. Brandi orders lunch with fries, and Taylor just gets coffee. I don't know why I'm reporting that. It's like the country is waiting in gleeful anticipation for her teeth to start falling out. B has no idea how all that drama happened! Taylor tells her that Kim has been going through a lot with panic attacks and bad medication, but Brandi isn't buying it. She knows meth addicts and that's it! Taylor says she should apologize for the meth head part. Why the hell should she? They started it. I know that's a two year old's answer, but it's my goal age so get off my ass.
Kim and Kyle are going to Palm Desert with their kids. Flashback to Kyle calling Kim a user drunk bitch skank in the limo, just to make sure we're all excited for this trip. Kim tells a story about how some guy asked her for breath spray, so she pulled some out of her purse and he got pissed cuz she was trying to give him room deodorizer. Which she's been using for a week on her own mouth. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I LOVE KIM!! So maybe it's not crystal meth at all. Maybe it's just Febreeze. Addicts have a lot of excuses, but this is the best one I've heard EVER.
This is your brain on Febreeze
Two of Kim's kids are fighting, and Kyle tells them that sisters shouldn't fight. She and Kim cackle and then give each other guilty looks. If I wanted to spend time worrying about a destructive passive aggressive relationship I'd call my mom. FF.
Playdo is missing out on a great advertising opportunity here.
You have to hand it to Bravo. They really know how to place appropriate ads.
They arrive at the place in Palm Desert, and Mauri is there. UH OH! Kim gets all nervous and shifty eyed when she sees him. Now this is a blowout I can get behind. We finally find out wtf Kim was talking about in the limo when she slurshouted "YOU STOLE MY GODDAMN HOUSE!" Apparently, the three sisters were left this very house by their mom. Kim needed money for the elmethtric bill one time, so she asked Kyle to borrow the money in return for her share of the place. Kyle gave her 20 grand and a glass pipe. When Kim came back with the money later, Kyle wouldn't let her buy back in. OH SNAP. Kim gets furious just telling us about it. That Kyle would take her share when she was needy and then not give it back is just reprehensible. I felt the same way when the pawn shop gave me thirteen dollars for my game boy and then sold it to some poor person. I didn't flash gang signs though, cuz I woulda been killed.
Yoyoyo mothatrucka
Now hot Mauri has a visible layer of slime on him. So he DID steal her house. Twenty grand for a third of a million dollar (at least) home is bullshit and he knows it. Kyle says it's just a sentimental thing and Kim knows it's still her house, too. Um, no, no I don't think she knows that. So if you sell it for a couple of mil, she'll get a third of that? That's what I thought. I hope Kim drinks some coffee and needs to get better breath and drinks some Clorox and gets all crazy, cuz she needs to take a bitch down tonight.
Lisa needs to plan Pandy's wedding, and what better way to celebrate giving your daughter to an obviously gay dude than having the gayest dude ever born plan it? I would like to think if Jim Henson was alive, he'd be making gay puppets and modernizing his stable. He's not alive though. Thankfully, God's puppet shop never closes.
I may not be made of felt, but I've definitely had a hand up my ass for much of my adult life.
He wants to do the party in the backyard, Lisa wants it in a church. He says they should juss bwing da chooch heah! Lisa doesn't get it. If she's spent any time on this earth with a cream colored crayon melted into a human shape topped with a gaycoon rug, she's not showing it. Even Giggy's horrified.
He goes on about how day chood have a huuuuuuch weddeen! Ees Baybly Heel! Then he sees a giant penis in the sky.
Lisa points out that it's just a blimp and he should stop jumping up and trying to catch it like it's the morning paper. He moves on to the dress. Pandy wants pink, but he booooos and tells her it's taggy. LOL! Lisa tells us that he will execute her orders or she will execute him, but when she asks to keep the affair "down to Earth", he twitters in her face and tells her this house is as down to earth as the blimp he just tried to deep throat and if she wants that she can move into a shack. I love this man, and I hope he makes Lisa's life a living hell for the rest of the season. He wants a million as his budget, and she says hell no. No more than 150,000. Embarrassing! He promises to work on it, then air kisses her. She asks why no one makes contact when they kiss in this town, and he does a little vogue dance and sings "Baybly Heel dahling! Shesheshe!" HAHAHAHAH!!! That's a really polite way of saying "no one wants their prosthetics to fall off."
Kyle and Kim go to lunch. Kim is flighty, Kyle is naggy. Honestly I couldn't give two shits, but I know who could!
The gift that keeps on shitting.
Let's meet Cam in her closet, where she's practicing her religion.
Firendployee is there to kiss ass. She's in something Cam gave her from five seasons ago. Doesn't fit.
Great sunglasses! Any idea when you'll be ready to hand me down that rack? None of your clothes fit me.
Cam asks her mom her opinion on sunglasses, and her mom just mutters "well, they're not cancer swimming around inside of me so yay for that. Who fucking cares, Camillie?" This storyline is FASCINATING. Cam is being honored, along with her mum, at the John Wayne Cancer Something for Something or Other Institute. Mum, because she had cancer, and Cam, cuz she's got so much fake shit in her body that she can resist radiation and is being tested by doctors all over the world to find a cure.
Camille tries on about ten pairs of glasses while telling us that her mom survived ovarian cancer only to get bladder cancer. JESUS! Poor woman. She also squatted out a personality cancer forty something years ago. Cancer trifecta. As Cam tries on yet another pair, she says she likes them but they'll leave a mark. DiDi yells NOOOO! You don't want them to think you have cancer!
You guys, how cute is Cam's mom?!? Love her. She's taken more shit than the master bath and she just smiles and goes with it. They get to the fundraiser and it's all glitzy and stuff. Kyle and Lisa show up. Kyle says that charity luncheons are a big deal in BH, and some people put money (not her) and time (microwave some COSTCO chicken fingers and call it a day) into charity, and some people just show up as an excuse to wear stupid dresses. Today's party features stupid hats, which Kyle doesn't have. Thankfully, she's enough of an asshat that no one notices. Brandi limps in. "I will not be bullied!" Honey, please. When someone chains you to a fence or some shit, then you can complain. For now, just shhhhhhhhhhh.
Cam says that she's not gonna uninvite B just because Kyle doesn't like her. Dana shows up telling everyone she loves them. Then she spends three grand on a jacket that looks like a sad cheap ripoff of Lisa's ski outfit. Camille was concentrating so hard on glasses that she forgot to put in her contacts and goes up to say hi to Adrienne. Woops.
Brandi and Dana are sitting together, and Lisa asks Kyle if they're friends. They're both noobs, so I think it's natural. Grow up, Lisa! You're old enough to have hatched them both. Buck up and deal. PS: Second best name for a pr person ever:
The first is Iam Fullashet
Kyle sits down to eat and Dana asks her and Brandi if they've made up. LOL. No. No they haven't. Brandi licks her lips a lot as her eyes dart around the room while Kyle rolls her eyes and ignores them. Now for the big show! Good fundraisers know the best way to a wallet is through a boner.
Wheel in the donkey. We're curin' cancer here!
The lady flubs her lines and blows her intro. Cam is brought up to give a speech, and she's nervous and flubby. She gets so scared that she just starts mumbling "Frasierfrasierfrasier" over and over again. Her mom is honored with an award, which makes Kyle cry. AW! She's back to her old evil self soon. She gets back to the table and starts whispering and giggling with Lisa. Brandi is upset, but then she gets a text from Cibrian and goes off about how it's stressful and she doesn't think it's fair for people to attack her parenting. Lisa tries to get Kyle to say something, and thinks it's pathetic that Brandi is just sitting there while everyone is dissing her. She tries to make small talk, but it doesn't work out so great. Brandi gives a one word answer and freezes. Lisa considers bringing up Winston Churchill. Oh lord. I was hoping Lisa might rise above this. I wish Brandi's son would come in and piss on the table.
Kim is wandering around the streets with Adrienne talking about game night. Ad tries to smooth talk her into forgiving Brandi, but Kim says there's no way and she can't be around a dumb slut pig whore bitch who curses publicly like that. OK so how is her relationship with Kyle? Flashback to the limo. AGAIN. Kim says she'll never forget it. I wonder if Bravo has implanted a chip into her brain that flashes the scene over and over again or if we're the only ones that have to suffer through it. Ad tries to be positive about it, but she can't get the house back so just shut it. Well that was a lame ending! I was hoping that someone would get smacked. Next week, Kyle tries to bend Brandi to her will and we find out the entire cast is made up of Cylons.
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