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Shots of cabs almost smashing into each other! Pee in the streets! A German hooker who talks funny! It's Project Runway, Season 9!!
Me likey you da long timest!
Man I've missed this show. There's not a better combination of gayness, craycray and actual talent on TV, and I have a feeling there never will be. I am Flipit, and I will be your recapper. I know nothing about fashion, nothing about working hard, and nothing about crying about my issues on television, so please don't expect me to relate on those ends. I do, however, know about mocking people for superficial reasons and paving my path to hell one gnarled cobblestone at a time, so YAY! I'm so excited. This is my face right now:
Tim Gunn, handsome and constipated as ever, pops on screen to tell us that they've been all over the country to find the most emotionally fucked up people that design stuff evah and they've brought them to New York. TWENTY? Jesus Christ, people. I know you've been gone for a while, but is that really necessary? Meh. Who cares? It's back! I want to say I've missed Tim, but I've made out with him every day since season 8's finale.
I love this show. It's like looking into the future. Tonight we get to see what Justin Bieber is gonna look like when he's all grown up and super lispy. New York ith tho big compared to Lousville Kentuckyth!
Babeh(s) babeh(s) babeh(s)!
Ah, lisp jokes. How I've mithed you. This chick was about to go to Iceland, but she found out she made it onto Project Runway the same day the TSA wouldn't let her on the plane for wearing a horizontally striped tie dye dress. That TSA is a little out of control with the groping, but even a broken compass is right when you're facing a certain direction.
Alright lady, you're offending the extras. Please find some jogging pants or something.
Yes, there are a lot of contestants, but not all of them are gonna get to compete. Ooooh burn! Why send rejection letters when you can smash dreams on camera? Heidinga tells us that this year they are gonna shake things up! So does that mean you're not preggers with another litter of tiny pockmarked Seals? Cuz that would be a change. You know what hasn't changed? Nina's grooming habits. Bitch looks like she just rolled out of bed to rush to the set of Bounce commercial.
Everyone has a super power. Hers is static cling. We can't all fly, k?
Four of the twenty are gonna get sent packing tonight, and Heidi purrs and smiles: "Eets a beet meany bully pie, noz?" Love her. We join the judges in some conference room somewhere. Nina's hair is still sticking out all over the place, and at first I didn't even see Kors, cuz he's the same color as the tile.
It's final callbacks, and I can tell you right now, before he opens his mouth, that I'm not rooting for this guy. I can't root for a poor person in an ascot. I just can't.
The auditions for My Fair Lady are down the hall, buddy.
You guys, this isn't a conference room at all! It's Astor Wine and Spirits. LOL! I don't know if cheap ass Lifetime wouldn't book a hotel or Kors just insisted he be around lots of alcohol in case his nose fell off and he had to pickle it before an ambulance arrived, but that's neither here nor there. If more job interviews were held in liquor stores, I'd probably actually go to one or two.
The Gaysian Howdy Doody is sizing every one up. Why is it always short people sizing people up, btw?
It's Dowdy Doody Time!
Most of the finalists are being super positive, cuz it's the first day. They call each other hard working and deserving and stuff. You guys are gonna need to drop those attitudes or we can't be friends. This lady? Not being positive. She feels old and it scares her.
One thing that might make you feel better is not making your hair blue ON PURPOSE.
You know what scares me? This guy.
Dang, Cruella! Step away from the puppies.
A semi cute black chick named Kimberly is first to see the panel. She describes her style as being for the type of woman who wears sequins to the gym. Kors says that he is that kind of woman! Oh, Kors. You don't go to the gym. Don't front. Nina infers that Kimberly has squirrel face.
She's not wrong.
A sweet doughy dude named Bryce is next. He's a pudgy Sirriano. To prove that's what he's going for, he shows a knockoff of Christian's feather dress. A not so great version of it.
Heidi tries on the jacket and she looks like a grackle whore football player. She's lucky she's not in Texas or she'd be shot right off the phone pole and booked.
Speaking of dead birds…
How has PETA done nothing about this disturbing fashion trend?
This is Miss Trinidad. She competed in Miss Universe and decided pageants were too limiting or something, so she learned how to sew. Four months ago. LOL! The judges don't believe that she actually sewed all the clothes she is showing, and she insists that she's not lying. Still not buying it. Tim goes to inspect her work, and I've never heard anyone say "masterful" like it's an insult before. He says that she's handicapped with so little experience. So you don't let handicapped people on the show? First off, that's not legal, and second, how do you explain Suede?
She sticks to her guns, and then when Nina asks to look at something up close, she changes her tune to "I had a lot of help." HA! Nina is the truth squad. They'd allow her to interrogate terrorists but water boarding is the most extreme torture we'll allow. Sad horns. The judges say they'll have to think about whether or not they believe she can handle being on the show, but Tim likes her. At least I think that's what this look means.
Or he's doing an impression from Big Mama's House.
A doll looking gaysian is next. Heidi loves him because he's the same color as all his clothes.
Beigeian
Heidi sings when Ascot enters, and he's made the Gone With the Wind curtain dress. This guy's every gay cliche rolled into one. He doesn't even use wire hangers.
The judges are being too nice. They don't even ask him if he's using a sock as an ascot. Heidi does look horrified when he says that he used to be a banker, though.
Your auntiem machines make me skerdeded
Some bimbo shows off her samples, and Kors says that she proves people from the Midwest like coloreds. You're not supposed to use that word in 2011, Kors!
Nina says she likes colors too, but her collection looks like a baby ate some jelly bellies and got diarrhea. Hick argues in a really high pitch that they're supposed to look one note cuz it's a collection. She tricked the judges with a decent excuse for mediocrity. Then Nina plots her death.
Nina is going to make throw pillows out of your arm fat, girl. Run!
Dowdy Doody says he is inspired by cocoons. I think he means Cocoon, the movie. Jessica Tandy would have looked smashing in his clothes.
Next up is a Granola Lesbian who loves dressing ladies like they're in the bread line in the thirties. I know these are hard economic times, but I don't want to be reminded of that on Project Runway, k?
Miss Hannigan Chic
A semi pretty girl with a squeaky voice is next. She hates rompers, but she made one cuz they were in fashion at the time and brought it to the judges. They're impressed that they gave herself a challenge. I'm impressed that no one put their fingers in their ears and laughed her ass out of the room. Shhhhhhh.
I have a feeling Nina will say yes. Tales of the Split Ends Sisterhood.
As she leaves, Heidi says she liked her clothes "but when she talk dat scare me a lot." LOL! One of the million reasons I love this show: I'm not the biggest bitch in the room. This next girl is into making mens fashion for women. And putting her mouth on vaginas.
Guys I don't mean to be rude on my first day, but is there a reason there's no carpet on the crafts services table?
Turns out Beiber's real name is Gunnar Deatherage. God I hope that's made up, cuz that's one scary ass name. It sounds like a Harry Potter villain. At least the last name. I'm sure Gunnar is real cuz he's from Kentucky and I think that might actually be how they spell gunner, but Deatherage? Jesus. Even Kors is scared of that one, and he just finished a bite of the Shepherd's Baby Pie that Nina was munching on.
You missed your hands.
An odd Quaker girl is showing off an odd Quaker dress. That's see through. I was wondering when the Quakers were gonna turn slutty like the rest of us. Welcome to the fold, Quakes!
Quaker Oats is super snotty for a girl who's never had her hair cut. She says she thinks she's better than everyone there. Well I was worried that there wasn't gonna be a bitch this season, and that fright has been put to bed. Wait. I'm scared again already. He's like a gay cast member from Jersey Shore. Well, gayer.
Holy waxamole, gayshadow!
He's super queeny, and Nina is downright bored with it all.
You will never reproduce a snack for me. GET OUT.
She perks up a bit when another sister in split ends shows up, but Heidi thinks this one is boring. I like her accent, though, so I hope she makes it.
They can shoot the birds out of the nest on your head and make earrings out of them. They're all the rage.
An Atlanta queen named Rafael Cox is next. He looks like Tootie from Facts of Life trying to pass as a man. I wonder if people in waiting rooms giggle every time the receptionist calls out "COCKS!" and this mary saunters up.
Cocks thinks Nina is looking at him like she wants to bang him. LOL! OK I love him and hope he wins the whole season. Especially when we see the look that Nina is actually giving him. The neck is flaring, so maybe he thinks she's a frog sending out a mating call.
The first appearance of the frog waddle twitch!! Welcome back, little buddy!
A funny guy named Bert comes on next. He describes himself as 102 years old and from Los Angeles. Hehe. I think that old people need to get a little more self confidence, I mean Jesus. How are we supposed to respect our elders if they don't respect themselves? Let's take a moment and think about that deeply.
Moment.
I like Bert already, cuz he can make fun of himself and he looks like my dream husband, Matlock.
Objection! I wasn't offered sweet tea 'fore that accusation, yer honor!
He used to work for Bill Blass and Halston. He left the industry because some of his friends and his lover died of AIDS and then he became a lush. That's so sad!! He's sober now, though, so I hope no one in the cast has AIDS cuz I don't wanna see a cleaned up guy relapse. That would be too much. Heidi tips on da toes of da eggs while she talks to him, like he might start guzzling a box of Franzia at any moment. She wants him to be more outrageous. He's made a picnic blanket, and what fun is a picnic without booze? Jeeze Heidi, insensitive much?
Nina, as usual, says it all with her face.
EW get him out of here before I catch old.
In the lobby, Dowdy Doody and the chick with black bra straps showing high five each other confidently. Which means they're probably out. Losers always find each other and bond. Go to any mall in America on a weekend and look who's holding hands. You'll see what I mean.
The bond of suck.
Anthony Ryan Auld is next. Is that pronounced old? Cuz that seems to be a running theme this year. He's already crying cuz he had testicular cancer three years ago. Hey, you're still with us now, little guy! Cheer up! I have a feeling from the tears and scarf that you weren't using those balls much anyway.
You guys, he's dressed like an unemployed Wonder Woman on a chilly night.
He says that cancer is one of those things you want to forget, but every time someone offers him nuts he starts sobbing. He cries some more cuz he's color blind. Clean up on aisle nutless queen. SHUT UP. The judges love him. I wanna kick him in the lonely penis.
Time for a little break and judge's deliberations. Heidi brought her newest baby but can't seem to find it.
They have to get rid of four people, and we don't get to see much of what they're saying. Lots of freaks in this group, though, so I don't envy their job. Tim announces that this will be Project Runway musical chairs, which is like regular musical chairs but these have traffic cones on them. When the music stops, whoever doesn't have a cone hitting the back of their throat is out. Tim is one sick slut.
They announce a bunch of ins, including Big Love Quaker Bitch and Man Tootie! YAY!
This makes up for all the times Blair talked over me and made me feel like less of a man (?).
More people are in!! I'm not gonna list them all. Jersey Poor is in and makes a bronzer joke. He's so tired. I don't know who the hell I am to judge, since I made a no wire hangers joke. Then again, I don't deny that I'm tired. Dowdy Doody is out! He's sad that he's going back to his day job entertaining children in the fifties with some dude's fist up his butt.
I feel for him. Strong dislike. CYA! Busted Bieber is out!! I can't believe it! Now who's gonna make the Deatherage's proud?
(Not) Born(s) to Be(s) Somebody(s)
Squeak is out!! No fair! Just cuz she talks like that? Heidi should have more consideration for people no one wants to speak.
AW! Sorry sugar. Call me. Wait. Text me. That will be better.
Squeak sobs like someone cut off her nuts. I feel for that one. Miss Trinidad is in! Because no PR season would be complete without someone glue gunning a dress together. Matlock made it too, thank God. There might be a mystery to solve. Horizontal tie die is sent packing, which means that the final in vote goes to Nina's Sister in Split Ends.
Just don't buy any Pomade or you'll be tossed out on your cracker.
Heidi drinks some champagne and stumbles over a cue card. I love that she just figures she's rich enough to not ever have to learn to read. She sends the designers to the Atlas to unpack their dirty socks or whatever. None of these people look like the type to bring a change of clothes.
Becky Blue Hair is rooming in a pink apartment with Julie, Fallene and Cecilia. Don't worry I have no idea who they are yet either. Ole Blue Hair tells us that her design aesthetic can be summed up in three words: Early. Bird. Special.
This dress says "Denny's is twenty percent off before 6 and we'll mash up your meat for ya".
Ascot guy is rooming with Jersey Chore. EW! Guard your cornhole, buddy! He says that he's Mormon and never been to the big city. Wait. Does Mormonism allow homos now? Man things are moving fast these days, eh? Mormonism should be ashamed of itself. Not for letting in gays. For letting in ascots.
Bimbo says that everyone calls her Barbie and says she's too sweet, but she's really not you guys! She's totally normal and smart and stuff. When she proves that, I'll learn her name. And I am confident that I will never have to. When it talks like a dumb blonde bitch face, walks like a dumb blonde bitch face, it's usually a duck.
It's 5 AM and ominous music is playing. That must mean Tim's about to show up in assles chaps and sling up Mormon Ascot. YAY! He drags them out of bed for a come as you are challenge, and all they can take with them is a sheet and their pjs. Blue Hair worries about going out in public without a bra, but I worry about the designers walking around the streets of Manhattan clad in white sheets. Seems kinda offensive.
Just please don't burn any crosses. I really don't wanna have to stop watching this show.
They walk to Parsons and find that their challenge is to make something for themselves wearing only their pjs and the white sheets they brought. There's some dude being all funny about it and I wonder how I missed him, then I realized it's Tootie Cocks! Girl looks different without a hair iron and mascara. Almost like...a guy.
Only Project Runway could make me uncomfortable by showing me a guy not in drag.
They have til ten at night, and they can use dye and buttons. Mormon Ascot decides to do something no one will expect: a Mormon bikini.
Fallene, the cute little gay girl, wants to make a jacket with the clown barfing rainbows decal on her t-shirt. LOL. She's super cute, but I have a feeling her name is so close to FAIL for a reason.
Barbie is psyched to have her "glam" pjs, but Jersey Chore thinks she won't be able to handle the classy JC Penny sateen. Matlock's making another picnic blanket dress. First big shocker of the night: Miss Trinidad doesn't know how to sew!! LOL!! Dowdy Doody is screaming items off the Chinese menu at the TV right now in his tiny apartment.
The designers work and joke around. It's so cute when they all like each other! I can't wait for shit to explode. Someone says the twist will be making an accessory out of their underwear, and Kimberly jokes that the clutches will have nut juice all over them. EW!!! Hey. Why is nutless sobbing? IT WAS A JOKE.
He wipes his eyes when Tim comes in to check on progress, and his work is pretty obvious. He's got a crotch piece to hide the sack. Stop being so insecure, Nutless!
Today we learned that Tim most likely manscapes his weiner, cuz this is what he thinks of the long pube piece:
Don't ponder agglutination of that pilus!
Tim warns him against making everyone think of pubic hair or they'll start looking at his crotch. That's all you needed to say buddy! Idea scratched. Tim is kinda horrified at Failene's barfing clown, but he loves Mormon and Hobo Coat Hick's work. Her name is Julie, btw. You guys know that Tim loving your work means you'll be in the bottom three, right? Jersey Bore is making pretty much what you'd think he would make. A micro mini and a halter. UG. Maybe he will impress the judges by burping out the alphabet.
Miss Trinidad is making something perty, and everyone seems to agree. Tim ooohs and aaaahs about how she's sewing. This girl's smart for a pageant queen. Sew a button on and impress the world cuz they all assume you're a moron. Tootie Cocks is making hot pants, and Tim is worried that he's behind. But he's gonna give us the first camel toe of the season so I think he deserves a little credit. Tim thinks his materials are kind of boring and he should take off his headscarf and use that. Tootie argues because he doesn't want to look like a homeless mess without it. HAHAH! Tim argues back that his ass was almost booted off as one of the four eliminated so he might wanna rethink that. Ouch. Tim? Should never be a Weight Watchers councelor.
Your corpulence is discomposing.
Model fittings!! Ole Blue Hair seems to be enjoying herself.
Not dead yet!
Dolliver is speaking Italian to his model, and Bimbo asks "are you speaking foreign?" Way to break the "every blonde bitch is a dumb bitch" stereotype, Bimb! Tootie Cocks is still embarrassed and sad about Tim's smackdown, and Bimbo says if he can't take it he shouldn't be here. I can't wait to see her cry.
Miss Trinidad tells us she's behind and she doesn't think she's gonna make it and you know what? I've fallen for it once and I ain't gonna fall for it again. She's probably gonna perfectly sew a five piece suit and win the whole thing. The next morning, the editiors don't give us the traditional shirtless shot. I don't know this cast well yet, but I don't think it's too soon to say THANK YOU!
They get back to the studio to choose accessories off the GLAD wall. Hair and makeup time! YAY! I need a smoke break. BRB. When I press play again, Matlock is thrilled that his hair guy made a Bridgette Bardot reference. HAHAH. He's so cute. Runway time! Tim yells for the late ass designers to move their asses. Tim Gunn is my fave rock star.
Limp Wriztkit
Heidilwiththedevil comes out looking stunning as usual. Bitch.
Let's say hi to the judges! Kors looks like fight me and Meemaw had at Christmas. We both like crispy chicken skin.
You win!
Nina is smiling and gracious, which means she's eaten. I'm glad for her, but I'm sad for all the babies that had to die to make that bone necklace she's wearing. Have you no shame, woman?
The guest judge is Christina Ricci! Love her and her odd little face. It must kinda sting that she wasn't nominated for an Oscar for Monster and she has to sit next to one for the next few hours. Jersey Chore's outfit is out first. To get rid of the "fifty cent hooker" look, he added a bad vest to the halter and a tab to the front of the mini skirt. I don't get it. It looks like you're supposed to just pull to open. Like a vagina coke.
Bimbo's work is next, and it's not bad. Kinda depressing, though. Like a cloudy day. It makes me want to curl up and read a book. I wonder if Bimbo has felt like that. Like, ever.
Quaker made a double brown long sleeve top with blue short shorts. Well, Quaker short. I give her credit for not making them knee length, though. That took guts. When she gets back home no one's gonna talk to her.
The model is gorge, and Laura takes notice. She says "I want to steal her!" Quaker, taking that very personlly, sneers "We'll see about that, Laura." I love an evil Quaker! Great casting. She should be fun times. Some guy named Viktor is next. WTF? Who's he? Has he said one word all night? His dress is black and white, semi pretty. I like that it's made to black out a muffin top. As long as you're always in a black room, but still. The effort is appreciated.
Ole Blue Hair has made an ugly ass blue dress with an animal stripe print down the front. Yuck. Stop trying to look like you understand youth. Fashion needs someone strong enough to design a dress that fashionably hides Depends lines. Take the mantle, Ole Blue Hair!
Doughy Sirriano made something straight out of Alexis Coueture.
Hey! Alexis cut those sleeves off and you snuck them back in!
Miss Trinidad did a pretty respectable job. Her pants look scrunched up and poorly sewn, but maybe that's what she was going for? They look pretty good. Either way, she won't be kicked off. The judges will be like WOW A BEAUTY QUEEN SEWED SOMETHING!
Failene has a funny way of flirting:
Those pants must be in right now, cuz it's the third or fourth pair we've seen tonight. You gotta hand it to Julie, she did pretty well considering she wore bright pink pajamas. I think this is a statement against abuse. Why else would there be such a proud sling? I approve!
She's not too confident that her little girl pajamas will get her very far, but Dolliver's work is WAY worse. Yikes. The colors are, again, same as his palid skin. The fact that the jacket is horribly sewn, uneven and paired with a see through mini skirt ain't gonna help. Smell ya later, Dolliver!
Kimberly made an outfit for going out to a giant lobster meal ending in lots of nut juice to clean up. In other words, ew.
Nutless made an ill fitting horizontally striped blouse with blue biker shorts covered in a funeral maxi pad. Hideous.
I think that's supposed to go on the inside of the skirt.
Tootie Cocks mae a workout outfit. He did end up using his scarf, but as a weird change purse necklace thing. This is just terrible, which bothers me because Tootie is my second favorite orphan. He did, however, make his model look fat. That's my fave design trick.
I don't think I'm gonna be able to call this girl Failene, cuz I have a feeling I am going to love everything she does. She's a total weirdo, but she's coming across as a competent weirdo, and I love those!
Matlock gives a nod to his criminal law background by doing a take on a detective's coat. A kinda slutty detective. It's a long way from the picnic blanket thing he showed at the beginning so yay for him.
And now for the Mormon bikini. What makes it sexy at a Mormon beach is that half your head's covered and you look like you've been pregnant ten times.
He's in trouble. That's pure shit. Get this girl some Gas-X.
I like the top part of what Nina's Split End Twin made, but that skirt is just terrible. And with her legs open and the visual of that pink string dangling...UGH. I won't even say it. Split End Twin has made me hold my tongue, and that's just unacceptable. Let's just say she's experiencing what Nutless' funeral maxi pad was trying to prevent.
Heidi is laughing her ass off, which could mean anything. Nutless, Tootie Cocks, Mormon, Miss Trinidad, Matlock and Julie are the top and bottom. The rest are excused. I say Mormon's out. Nutless should be, too, but he's cried a lot which gives him an autopass. Quaker's in the back bitching that she didn't win. LOL. Love her.
Unfortunately, makeup and a brush aren't part of the prize package anyways.
Nutless is sure to remind the judges that he's color blind, like they couldn't tell. Is that gonna be his crutch? Cuz that's fuckin lame. The judges LIKE HIS WORK!?!?! WTF? it's fucking horrible! OK it's time to remind myself that I know nothing about fashion. I do know about clues though. Tim hated this, which means it will win. How could I forget such a simple rule?
Tootie Cocks is next. Heidi says the model looks awful, Kors calls the change purse a Flinstones disco pouch. The editors give us the inevitable camel toe shot.
Nina says it's dated. She hates the fit. Christina Ricci hates Charlize Theron.
Julie is next with her abused little girl look. Heidi says that she had high expectations but "the whole thing is just bad." Christian says oh hell no, and Nina's grossed out by the pants. Kors says the pocket on those pants are made for masturbation. LOL.
Miss Trinidad is next. Nina loves the bravery of making decent pants. The judges are all glad that she can, in fact, sew. They also dig that she made a bony model's butt look decent.
Matlock. Heidi loves it. YAY! Nina compliments his stylish boxers, Christina doesn't compliment Charlize Theron, and Kors loves everything but the old person styling. Mormon is next. Uhoh. Christina asks him if he's happy with the fit. He says mostly yes. Heidi can't decide if his or Tootie's is worse. HA. Has she always been the best judge or did that creep up slowly? Mormon complains that none of the other designers didn't warn him it was bad, and Kors tells him to stop being a pussy and learn to think for himself. Nina is disgusted by his existence.
Alone time with the judges. Mormon goes to the back and cries, and Jersey Chore seems excited by the news that they used the word HATE already. Heidi thinks the show was great but there were some stinkers. They all repeat the same stuff. Nina thinks that Tootie Cocks doesn't even realize how ugly his work is, which is obvs a problem. Kors says his model looks like she ate too much and had to unbutton her shirt. LOL.
Julie was bad, but not as bad as the two guys. Nina disagrees, and says the pant construction was unforgivable. Heidi chides the other judges for not believing in Miss Trinidad, and then they move on to talk about how beautiful Nutless' work was. Sorry but yuck. They all like Matlock too, and Kors says he had the most interesting out of all of them. They agree that the styling sucks, and they've made their decision. I'm skerd that Tootie's out. PLEASE GOD NO!
Matlock wins!!! YAAAAY!! Hopefully one of his neighbors will be accused of a murder they didn't commit next week cuz that's when he's best. Bryce admits to discriminating against Matlock because of his age and he feels bad now. Ah, buck up. I discriminated against you because you look like a fat Christian Sirriano and I feel just fine.
Miss Trinidad and Nutless are safe, obvs. Mormon looks like he's gonna sob again, Tootie looks pissed, and Julie looks like she's going to destroy the planet.
I hear something. Hold up, let me turn up the volume. I think that's Joseph Smith screaming "BUTCH IT UP MARY!"
Tootie's out!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! He goes back to hug Natalie, but she's not there to support him, the biatch. That was sad. He could have been really great to mock. So what did you guys think? Is it going to be a good season? I'm liking the bozos they pulled together so far. Coming this season: everyone cries and Nutsack talks about cancer thirty thousand times. Thanks for being here! See you next time! xo >
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