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Over at Ezra's Bachelor Pad of Pretentious Books and Chinese Take-Out, he and Aria are totes going at it hardcore, all half-naked and sweaty in Ezra's bed. I sure hope Ezra's abdominal makeup doesn't get all over Aria, because that crap is hard to wash off. Ezra's alarm is going off, so we can assume that Aria stayed the night . . . or maybe not, since Ezra has turned into Jason! This can only mean one thing: Ezra/Jason is a shapeshifter and he/he turns into him/him whenever he/he wants to. It's the most logical explanation. Either that, or Aria's dreaming. Which is the case. Fine, go the boring route, PLL writers.
"I wonder what the erectile dysfunction represents . . ."
Guys, I feel like a skeevy perv talking about Aria's sex life because she's like 16. But I guess I have to work with what PLL gives me! ABC Family, everybody! Aria's alarm goes off, meaning that she only has 5 hours before school starts.
Meanwhile, things are still going on at the morgue. I hear it's a popular place, because (wait for it, wait for it), people are dying to get in! Thank you! Apparently Rosewood Memorial Hospital just leaves the laundry unattended, because both Hanna and Emily are wearing candy striper uniforms (also, do candy stripers even exist anymore? And do they wear candy-striped outfits? It seems kind of sexist to me.). Also, these girls got up early to go to the morgue before school? Seriously? Nurses walk by and Emily tells Hanna to act like she works there. Hanna: "So I said to the patient in 212, I am NOT shaving that." Hee! I heart Hanna. Also, I just noticed how much Shay Mitchell looks like Nia Peeples, so that was very good casting, PLL casting person. Spencer comes out of the morgue and tells them that she couldn't find the missing page from Alison's autopsy report. Hanna wonders how that could have happened, and Spencer thinks that Jason took it. Um, how about "A?" Why do they never blame "A" for anything? Anyway, Jenna enters the morgue with a nurse. Why, pray tell, would Jenna have to be in the morgue? I hope the nurse is playing a joke on her, because that would be awesome.
"Oh yeah, Jenna, we're totally at Burger King. Now, I'm just gonna sit you down at a table and go order for you." "What's that smell?" "It's the . . . new . . . BK bacon . . . double . . . bacon . . . mega . . . fun bacon burger." "Oh, the BK Bacon Double Bacon Mega Fun Bacon Burger! I've been wanting to try that!" "Whatever."
Jenna says that the first thing she's gonna do when she gets her bandages off is go to Cape May, because she can't wait to see the ocean again. Oh, dip, Jenna's going to get new eyes?! Watch out, PLL Gang! Jenna's gonna see some sorry-ass bitches soon.
Back at Hanna's, Emily's throwing away all her creams and lotions and perfumes and junk. Emily says that she can't take a chance and that everything has to go, including Hanna's stolen goo. Ashley comes in and tells Hanna that her dad called and he wants her to call her back before she goes to school.
"Great. That only gives me four and half hours to call him back."
Time crunch! Hanna hasn't talked to her dad since he left. It's time for breakfast, but Emily doesn't want to eat, since she's concerned about "A" and what she'll/he'll do next. Hanna tells her that's no way to live and she'll just have to put "A" out of her mind. Which is hard to do, especially when "A" is emailing Emily with a copy of the lab results, saying that she "owns" Emily.
At school, Em asks Aria if she's found out why Mike broke into her house, but Aria has no idea why. Just accept the fact that Mike's a douche and move on, Aria. Also, Jason's at school, because again, any adult who wants to can just walk right into the school and hang around all day. All day long! He waves at Aria and Emily's all, Why the eff did he wave at you? Aria says that he had dinner with her family, and Em asks why Aria's blushing, and then Aria tells her about the dream. Emily tells Aria that Jason is bad news, and besides -- she has Ezra. But Aria says that she doesn't exactly "have" Ezra, because even though he's at Hollis, something always gets in the way of their happiness.
And that something is called ARIA.
Emily is all, You just need to find a way to connect again and things will be fine. Aria asks Em to keep the conversation between the two of them, and Em says she will, as long as Aria stays away from Jason.
Meanwhile:
"Hanna, I just got my credit card statement and there's a $850 charge to Lucky Leon's Cupcakes."
"Ohmigod, I -- I -- I bought them for . . . for orphans! I bought cupcakes for diabetic orphans!"
"Really. Because I called Lucky Leon and he said that you offered him $500 for, and I quote, 'A wheelbarrow of devil's food cupcakes.'"
"HAHAHAHAHA, WHAT?! That -- That's crazy! He must be on drugs!"
"He also said you offered him $350 to build the wheelbarrow out of red velvet cupcakes. What does that even mean? Hanna, I love you, but . . . that's just f**king stupid."
Hanna's dad is frantically trying to reach Hanna so she can call Isabelle to schedule her fitting for her bridesmaid dress. Wow, Isabelle. Way to desperately claw at any chance to make your future step-daughter love you. Hanna says she'll call her dad back. When Hanna gets back to her lunch, Spencer tells them that Jenna's going to have surgery on her eye-flaps to restore her sight. Hanna wonders if that will get them off the hook for blinding her. Spencer, always ready with a concise and apt metaphor, says that even if you break a guy's leg, and the guy's leg heals, you can still get charged with assault. Em says that Jenna won't come after them because she thinks they have Alison's tape, but they totally don't have it, and Spencer says that Jenna will figure that out a lot sooner when she can see. Word, Spencer! Spencer says things will get worse, and Em's all, How can they get any worse, they already suck. Spencer: "Well, for one? She will be able to aim a gun." Hee! Look out, Hanna -- Spencer's well on her way to replacing you at the top of my Favorite PLL Girl Totem Pole. Aria -- you're stuck on the bottom. Forever. (Probably.)
Spencer's walking over to Jason's house, when she hears a bunch of chainsaw-ing and tree-falling. Does Spencer live out in the country? There's an awful lot of forest around her house. She spies on Jason for a bit, and Jason freaks out when the guy helping him tries to get into Jason's shed. Jason tells him to never(!) go in there.
"Okay, okay, calm down, Jason, calm down. Your secret pineapple upside-down cake recipe is safe for now."
Thank god for that! What could Jason possibly have in The Shed of Mysterious Mysteries? Porn. Probably porn. Probably tranny porn. Spencer is intrigued as she watches Jason lock the door and then -- for reals -- put the key on the shelf above the door. Nothing protects your Shed of Mysterious Mysteries like LEAVING THE DAMN KEY WHERE SOMEONE CAN EASILY FIND IT. Jason is such an assbutt.
Probably-Ends-Up-Psycho-Samara shows up at Emily's (Hanna's, technically) house with -- shut the front door!
MUTHA F**KIN' CUPCAKES!!!
Hells yeah! You know, I like to think that someone involved with PLL -- maybe the writers, perhaps, or Ashley Benson -- reads my recaps and is rewarding my snark with cupcake sightings in some of the episodes. I will keep telling myself this, and will ask you not to burst my happy bubble with reality by saying that it's just a coincidence. (And Ashley B. and/or PLL writers -- why not comment?!) Moving on. "Sweets for my sweet," says Samara. Ugh, please. Samara kisses Emily just when Ashley walks in, which is awkward. Samara says she has to run to a "campus pride meeting." Hoolllld on a sec. I was under the impression that Samara is at a private high school, and not in college. Someone go to Wikipedia and confirm, please. Because I am just too busy recapping to do that. Samara was going to have a big ole lesbian meeting for Emily to meet all her big ole lesbian friends, but one of the lesbians can't have the lesbian meeting at her lesbian house. But Ashley sweetly comes to the rescue and tells Emily that she can have the meeting at their house, because she wants Emily to feel comfortable while she's there. Ashley! You are going to make me cry with all your LGBT support right now! So sweet. But she does say that Emily has to follow the same rules as Hanna -- No girlfriends in her bedroom, just girl friends. Emily says she'll let Ashley know which one is her girlfriend and not girl friend. Awww, touching! Oh, Laura Leighton. You're so pretty and nice. I just want to have a drink with you and then ask if I can make out with your husband for a little bit.
Because let's face it: Doug Savant is kind of a DILF.
Oh, now I'm sad that Desperate Housewives is ending after this season. You guys'll have to read those recaps too! So, let's go back to the Aria plot, I guess. Aria walks into Ezra's office wearing a slutty top, asking how she can lock the door. And, you guys, the door doesn't lock, according to Ezra. Oh, okay. Let's just leave the computer and old books and furniture in an unlocked college office. Seriously? What the hell kind of office door doesn't lock? Whatever, PLL. Whatever. Aria puts a chair against the doorknob, lest someone come in and see all the sexy statutorrid-ness going on. And then Aria takes off her shirt and basically throws herself at Ezra. ABC Family! Ezra says he has 15 minutes to get to his next class and Aria says that's plenty of time. Wow, lowered expectations much?
Spencer is at home, in the dark, of course, on the phone with Hanna, telling her about Jason and The Shed of Mysterious Mysteries. Hanna, on the street, sees Caleb talking to that cop that was tailing him. Only he's not a cop, Caleb says -- he's a P.I. who was hired by someone to find him. Who hired the P.I., you ask? Caleb's mom. Who's surprised? No one. I thought it would be Caleb's dad, but whatever.
Over at Hanna's house, Emily's playing some lesbian poker with some lesbians, one of which may or may not be Taylor Momsen.
Close, but no cigar. The eyes need about 115% more raccoon-ing if you want to reach Momsen Level, kid.
Momsen Lite asks Emily to help her since she can't play poker very well. Ugh, she even talks like Momsen. Not cool. I guess Momsen Lite's name is Zooey. Samara gets up to help Emily with the mutha f**kin cupcakes, and tells her that everything is going well. Is it? IS IT?!
"You know, I love the cupcake place, but every time I go in, this pretty blonde girl walks up to me, punches me in the boob, and runs away with my cupcake. It's so weird . . ."
Oh, also, "A" is outside watching all of this. Oh, and she texts Emily and tells her to get Zooey's phone number -- or "digits" -- or else the lab results go viral. Dun dun DUHHHNNN!
Spencer's telling her mom about the hockey stick and how her dad burned it. Spencer's mom isn't upset and tells Spencer that he probably had a good reason to do it, like he got scared, and she would have burned it too. She says that he probably assumed Ian buried it, since he was trying to frame Spencer & Co. Spencer's all, "What if Ian wasn't the one trying to frame me?" Mommy Spencer says that it was obviously Ian since he confessed, so case closed. Oh, okay, LAWYER. Way to explore all options like a lawyer, LAWYER. Also, didn't you say something about trusting Spencer more? I'm pretty sure you did, but it's not like you care, since you're only home about once a week. LAWYER. Spencer's mom tells her that Jason and his family are not to be trusted.
Ugh, Aria's plot again? Fine. She's on the phone with Emily, who's telling her what "A" did to her. Emily says that someone is watching her and she's scared about the lab results. Aria tells her to bluff her way out of it and then asks her how her stomach is. Emily has to go back down to the lesbian poker tourney. If I were Emily, I'd just be all, "Hey guys, can I get all your phone numbers in case we all want to plan something else?" Done and done. Cut through the "A" loophole, Em. It makes things easier.
Ezra's back from whining about something to his students for 50 minutes after making them put their desks in a circle to facilitate discussion. Aria got a bunch of food from vending machines in a romantic gesture. Supposedly. Ezra asks if everything's okay because her being so bold is kind of weird. Considering she's been mopey and wannabe-emo for about 4 days, I'd say Ezra has a right to be concerned. Aria says that nothing's up.
Well, the cupcakes are gone, so it's time to pack up the lesbian poker game. Everyone's leaving, and Em gets a text from "A" saying that time is running out, so she hands Zooey her phone number. But another Jr. Lesbian sees Emily do this and looks all, What's all this then, lesbian? Emily sees her seeing her and gets all nervous and junk.
Aria wakes up in Ezra's bed in the morning, saying that it was worth the wait. Ezra wants her to sleep over every night.
"She's totally right, I bet -- I'm sure it happens all the time to a lot of guys. It's pretty common. It's not a big deal."
Rachel Green would disagree, Ezra. She knows what's up. Or, what's not up, to be precise. Aria's putting her hair up when Ezra turns into Jason again and is all, "You can't stop thinking about me, can you." Lucy Hale looks really, really, super-duper pretty in this scene, you guys.
Caleb's over at Hanna's, both of them doing some research on Caleb's mom. She's married with two kids and lives in Montecito, CA. Hanna asks if Caleb's going to call his mom, but he doesn't answer and gets all weird about eating something, telling Hanna he's going out to get a pizza. Get cupcakes too, Caleb!
Em's over at Aria's house, stressing about that Quinn girl telling Samara about what she saw (Em giving her phone number to Zooey). Samara's called many times, but Em's afraid to talk to her. Aria tells her that she needs to talk to Samara, and then tells her that she had another sex dream about Jason. It doesn't mean anything, she says, she's not, like, thinking about Jason. Emily tells her that when people show up in your dreams, it means you want something from them and not the other way around. What could Aria possibly want, Aria asks, since she has Ezra? Emily's not so sure.
At Aria's house -- wait, I thought that we were already at Aria's house. Fine. Downstairs, then, Ella's on the phone telling someone that she and Byron will take turns watching Mike and he'll be back on Thursday or Friday. I guess it was the counselor on the phone. Byron's mad because he thought they agreed that Mike would only be staying home one day from school, and at this point, it's less of a punishment and more of a vacation. He also says that Mike isn't acting out because Ella left -- it's something else. I agree. Ella says that Mike's not really present in school -- it's like he's checked out.
Which is probably the case, since Mike's upstairs in his room, in bed, in the dark. Or, as I like to call it, Monday through Friday. Great, so now Mike's depressed. PLL, do we really need all of this Mike B-story? I'm gonna go with no. Byron asks Mike what's up and tells him that he wants Mike to come downstairs so they can talk. Mike just asks his dad to turn off the light because it's bugging him and then Byron asks him to come downstairs for dinner. Meh. I believe Bart Simpson said it best:
"Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel."
Back at Hanna's house, Samara is yelling at Emily for "hitting" on her friends behind her back. Emily says that she just wanted to give Zooey her number so they could hang out sometime -- it was just her "trying to connect" with Samara's friends. Samara tells her that until she gets an honest answer, she's dunzo. Smell ya later, Samara. Bring back Paige! She's funny AND we already know she's a psycho! She's two lesbians for the price of one!
Not that lesbians are psycho. Or funny. I'm kidding! Lesbians ARE funny! (Women are just funnier than men, period.) Back at . . . *SIGH* . . . Aria's house, Jason stops by, of course. He's dropping off some counselor guy's card for Mike and Aria's all concerned that Jason's going around blabbing his ex-stoner mouth about the Montgomery family's personal business. Jason touches Aria on the shoulder, which freaks her out, and she makes up a flimsy story about having to study for a test on Monday (it's Saturday) and shoves Jason out the door.
Hanna finds Caleb at a playground, which is just the most perfect metaphor for the loss of Caleb's childhood innocence from his mother's abandonment. Thank you, PLL writers. Thank you. Caleb wonders why his mom didn't look for him sooner, because she had two kids, so she obviously wanted children. Hanna says that his mom wants to make amends now and he has no idea what she was going through when she had Caleb (meth, probably), and since Caleb has been torturing himself for years about his real mom, shouldn't he give her a chance now? Hanna as the voice of reason? Huh.
"I'm scared that she'll want to shampoo and cut my hair."
Emily's over at Spencer's house -- wow, she's totally making the rounds today -- where she's doing that thing that only TV/movie characters do: Stare at a photo of someone on her phone (in this case, Samara). Spencer is pretty antsy for her mom to leave (she's going to Philly to save Melissa from her cheesesteak binge), since Jason's gone and they can sneak over to The Shed of Mysterious Mysteries. After her mom leaves, Spencer and Emily head out the door.
Back at Aria's house, Byron is forlornly setting the table. When Ella gets back with the take-out, he tells her that they shouldn't give Mike more space. His parents gave his brother Scott some space, and "we all know how that turned out." His brother killed himself. Or attempted to. Or killed a bunch of people. Or attempted to. Or joined a cult. Or attempted to.
"I'm gonna sit at the welcome table! Gonna sit at the welcome table one of these days!"
Byron says he saw his brother. Not literally. He just saw his brother's actions and demeanor in Mike. Ella says that Mike isn't Scott and then goes to get spoons. Denial!
Spencer and Emily are on their way over to Jason's Shed of Mysterious Mysteries. It's dark now, so I'm guessing they had to take a 3 hour coffee break to amp themselves up for their breaking-and-entering spree. Spencer says that it's not "breaking in if you have a key." Touche. Emily: "What are you, Jane Bond now?" Ehhh, not really funny. There are a lot of "jokes" on this show. By which I mean, you know that they're supposed to be funny, but they're just not. Spencer tells Emily to calm the eff down because it won't take them long. So, it turns out that The Shed of Mysterious Mysteries is actually a dark room for photos. Dark rooms, much like landline phones and phone booths, only exist in TV and movies now, since the real world doesn't really have any use for them. Granted, if they'd opened the door to find a computer with Adobe Photoshop and a printer/scanner connected to it, it wouldn't be as creepy as a room full of noxious chemicals and a red lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. Still though -- it's hard to find actual dark rooms these days.
Anyway. A dark room isn't creepy enough. No, Jason had to up the ick factor by having photos of Aria sleeping posted all over the shed. Ewwwwww! Also they find some surveillance equipment, for, like, spying on people! What does Jason want with Aria?! She's the least interesting one!! And is Jason "A?" Yeah, probably not. Just then, Jason comes back and Spencer and Emily panic and run out, not realizing they've dropped a flashlight in the shed in the process. Oh, dear. Spencer puts the key back and they run off, hiding behind some bushes to watch Jason enter The Shed of Former Mysterious Mysteries. And of course Jason sees the flashlight when he gets into the shed.
I'm going to give you a moment to go get some Kleenex, because this next part? Is sad. Are you back? Good. Caleb shows up at Hanna's to tell her that he took her advice and called his mom. They had a great conversation and she apologized for taking a long time to find him, and said his voice sounds like his father's (except less meth-y). Awwww! Caleb's holding back tears as he tells Hanna that his mom wants to see him and it makes more sense for him to go to California instead of her coming to PA. Oh, and also he's leaving tonight. Oh, and by "tonight" he means right now. Hanna's supportive but worried about what will happen to the two of them. Caleb says they'll talk on the phone and he'll be back before she'll know it. Hanna's all, I don't know about that, "I've seen pictures of Montecito." Caleb says he has one very good reason to come back.
"Lucky Leon's Cupcakes?"
No, Hanna, YOU. Awwwwww! Sad. Single tear. She asks to drive him to the airport, but he has a car waiting outside for him. Hanna and Caleb kiss and then Caleb says he'll call her tomorrow, Hanna says good luck, and they're both crying, and I hate Caleb's hair, but it's still sad! THEN, Hanna says, "I love you." And THEN, Caleb says, "I love you, too" and they kiss again. Perhaps for the last time . . . Dammit, PLL! Why are making me care about Caleb?! Why are you making me sad?! I have to say, both actors seemed really committed in this scene and they obviously have good chemistry together. I think this scene will go down in history as one of those monumental scenes that fans of the show (me included) will talk about for years to come. Good on you, PLL!
Aria's walking down the street when Jason shows up in his convertible. Even if I didn't know about the photos, I'd still think Jason was totally stalking her. Jason's all, Someone broke into my shed and I had to get a padlock. Aria says that Mike was home all day so it couldn't be him. Jason wants to talk to Aria . . . And Jenna and Garrett are watching from a distance in Garrett's car. Well, Garrett's watching . . . Jenna's like, If those two hook up and start talking, and then Jason starts remembering what happened that night . . . Garrett says that Jason won't, but Jenna says that he doesn't know that for sure. Que? Qui? Donde?
Spencer and Emily are trying to get Aria and Hanna on the phone, but between break-ups and talking to a psycho ex-stoner, they're both busy. Back to Jason and Aria -- Jason says he cares about Aria and wanted to tell her in case she felt the same way. He then kisses her. Aria breaks away and tells Jason she can't do that because she's not available.
Hanna's in the dark, alone, so I'm assuming she's at Spencer's house. She picks up her landline phone (see?) and calls her dad, leaving him a voicemail asking him to call her back regarding where she should go for the bridesmaid dress fitting. Aw, good girl, Hanna.
Spencer and Emily are running back to Jason's Shed of Former Mysterious Mysteries so they can get some photos to convince Aria of Jason's psychotic-ness. They get inside and turn on the light, only to find --
Oh, dip!!
Which you have to admit is a little creepy, right? Time for the End Credit "A" Sequence: In another dark room, the gloved person is developing a photo, which turns out to be a photo of Spencer and Emily in Jason's dark room. Which, I kind of call bullshit on, since one would probably need a flash for that photo to turn out the way it did, especially since it obviously wasn't taken with a digital camera. Which means that Spencer and Emily probably would have seen the flash. Or heard the camera. Whatever, this was a decent episode, so no more complaints! One more, though: Bring back Mona! And Lucas!
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