Wow. Just…wow. The Storybook Pageant in Harrisburg, PA brings out one of the worst mothers on Toddlers & Tiaras since Jamie Sterling. The pageant includes beauty (natch) and storybook character of choice, although some people really took liberties with this one. When is the last time any of these people actually read a book?
First up is the terrible mother, Melissa, and her five year old Carly. She tells us that behind every great pageant girl is a great pageant mom. Then what are you doing here? During the entire episode, all she does is trash on this kid, starting with her thinking if she talks low the production crew won’t get her telling her daughter to stop telling her no on national TV (ha!) to telling her to go get a Mountain Dew to step it up. By the end, she says that perhaps they are way too critical on themselves. She also uses “we” a lot and says she and her daughter are one. Just try not to give her your half of your eating disorder, okay bitch? Especially when you realize she hates pageants (Melissa, watch the show all the way through…that news comes at the end!).
Over to a mother who although is a little odd, loves her kids totally and is actually a great pageant mom. Alessondra is nine and her mom Alane calls her “my very own happily ever after.” First of all, Melissa probably thinks she is put together but between the 80s hair that is too big and the overuse of the tanning bed and Claire’s accessories, really is kind of a hot mess. However, she adores her frozen embryos unconditionally and is super-supportive. I’ll take that and 80s hair any day. Alessondra is a natural pageant girl and mom says she’s “frugal,” but the bottom line spending $9 on a dress that you don’t take to a tailor so it fits is really stupid – glitz or no glitz. Also, hoop skirts? Obviously you’ve seen this show or you wouldn’t be on it. When have you ever seen a hoop? Exactly.
Finally, we meet our hairiest competitor of the night, Berkeley, 4, and her mom Kirsten.  Given how often her dad wears Berkeley logo’d t-shirts and sweat shirts, I think we all know where that name came from. Hope she names her kid UCLA.
Unibrowed Berkeley is kind of funny but she spends a lot of time whining, crying, spazzing out and complaining that her haircut hurts. Because each strand has it's own nerve?  That poor stylist!  Kirsten says she eats, breathes and lives pageants. Because you have no life? Also, make friends with the Sham-Brow™.
The real focus of the show is Melissa and the terrible things she says to her daughter. This woman is so tight it’s surprising she hasn’t broken like a rubber band. This is one woman who is living her dream through her child and deep down is very disappointed in both herself and her kid. That poor kid tries to defend herself by saying she did do her best (and sometimes I think she does), but her mother spends the entire episode demeaning her.
The pageant is otherwise uneventful but Melissa really shows herself to be a hateful person. She should consider Intervention for her next reality show, to see if they can get her to actually hold food down.
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