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Alright, guys, the mass eliminations are out of the way! YAY!!!! How many contestants do we have left? 18. That’s right, we’re at 18 contestants! We get reintroduced to all 18 of them right off the bat. Then, because FOX knows it’s target demographic is somewhere in the 40-60 range (that’s IQ, not age, apparently), we get a MASSIVE reintroduction to all three judges. Who here watching this show needs to be reminded who our three brave judges are? None of you? That’s right, because my readers are smart people. You should all write FOX and inform them that you have the memory of an elephant, and not an elephant beetle which, I assume (based on the fact that it’s a fucking beetle), has a memory only just shorter than that of FOX’s executive producers.
Ok, whew, got that out of the way...now where were we? I kid, I kid...
Alright, so, the minichefs are marched into the MasterChef kitchen for the first time. We get interviews from like 5 or six different contestants who all seem to be having wet daydreams over this kitchen. I mean, yeah, it’s impressive, but shit. It’s not yours! Some of these people will use their station once...others, like 5 times. That’s it. And then it’s back to your shitty electric coil stove and your not-quite-stainless steel sink.
It’s ok to be excited because your call-girl is hot. It’s not ok to be so excited that your call-girl is hot that you call your parents and post her pictures on your facebook.
I’m, like, shaking in my chef shoes.
Shut up, Suzy. Just shut up.
Alright, so, now that everyone is at his or her station, Gordie proclaims “let the verbal handjobs commence!!” And so they do, and it is glorious.
Teddy chimes in to tell everyone that the judges have seen what they can do when they get to choose their own ingredients, so...guuueeeeeeeessssssss what time it is?!? Oh man oh man oh man I’m so excited, I’ve been waiting for this for so long!!! This makes me feel like a virgin! Touched for the very first time!!!
WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Oh...oh, man. Fuck, that was good. Was it good for you, too? I need a smoke. Geez. Hooooo.....whew. Wanna go again?!?
WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
YES!!!
What, the second time was too quick? Come on, it’s been NINE MONTHS, what did you expect to happen?? Screw you guys, I got mine...
Alright, so, it’s the first mystery box challenge of the season! I’m excited. I know that’s a shock to hear. The Disembodied Male Voice (I preferred the female voice from last year better) tells us the rules of the Mystery Box Challenge. The contestants have one hour to make a stunning (there’s that word again, back from last season) dish using only the ingredients in the box! The judges will judge 3 books by their cover, and only taste those three dishes, and from those 3 dishes...they will select only one winner. The winner will get a huge advantage in the next round, which is an elimination round, so that’s kinda a BFD.
Gordie tells them to lift their boxes on the count of three. Wait, like 1,2,3,GO! Or 1,2,GO! It’s not clear. Oh well. New Adventures of Drunk Christine says she hopes that “what’s in the fuckin’ box” isn’t veal brains. That’s...a....it’s too early, Christine. You put that sauce on too early, it’s not gonna end well...
So, what’s in the fuckin’ box, anyways?
If you’re like me, you said “Fuck that’s a big piece of salmon...” and that was it.
Well, ok, so apparently there’s fingerling potatoes, white asparagus, fennel (which just makes me think of the Lee v Sharone rivalry from last year), and other stuff. Honestly, what’s the point of listing it all out? It’s not like we’re having a competition to guess who’s going to cook what. I’d win, anyways. The answer, clearly, is salmon.
Gordie keeps reminding them that the next challenge involves at least one person going home, so be on your best behavior.
Aaaannnnnd GO!!!
So our minichefs start scrambling to get their cooking utensils together, and of course our three judges sit around and talk about how they’d handle the challenge, and what to watch for. It’s like Monday Night football now that John Madden is gone...wait, that’s probably a bad analogy for this audience.
So, of course, Bastage tells the other judges that the devil of this challenge is the strawberries, and he hopes the minis aren’t led into temptation. Teddy asks no one in particular if any of the minis have the balls to ignore the salmon. I think the answer will be “no,” because it’s like a 20lb piece of fish.
So, our judges start wandering around. Gordie stops by Christian’s station first, and asks what he’s doing. Pistachio crusted salmon with a strawberry balsamic glaze. Christian forgot that whole “lead me not into temptation...” bit, apparently. Gordie asks why Christian thought strawberries and salmon would go well together...Christian responds “because you gave them to me.”
This face says “that wasn’t very smart” like Mike Tyson says “this will only hurt a bit...”
Next, he stops by Angel’s station, and doesn’t seem to to think her mustard/ricotta sauce sounds very good. Me neither.
Then TG makes a colossal mistake. He stops by Suzy’s station. Suzy, being a massive C-U...no, I won’t say it, I won’t give in to the dark side...but shit, if the glove fits...she’s a cunt. I said it. Fuck, I don’t even like using that word...check that, I hate it, but nothing else works for her. TG stops by Suzy’s station and asks what she’s doing. She’s preparing salmon three ways...pickled, smoked, and grilled. She’s smoking the salmon in a very ghetto-rigged contraption, and because they didn’t have wood chips in the master chef kitchen (probably because they don’t have a fucking SMOKER), she’s using bread. Wait, what? That’s actually fucking disgusting. I bet that fish is going to taste like feet. Bastage asks if she thinks she’s way ahead of the competition here...she says she’s just trying to play it smart, but she’s not cocky.
Bastage’s face says one word: Bullshit.
We get an interview with Max, who says that Suzy thinks more highly of herself than Max thinks of her. Yep, they’re shoving this down our throats from the get-go. Come on, a good rivalry needs to steep. It needs foreplay. You can’t just honk a boob, slap an ass, and get down to brass tacks. Ow...brass tacks don’t belong in that metaphor.
Alright, more walking around and talking to people. This time they stop at Jennie’s station.
Who’s Jennie?
Don’t focus too hard on remembering her...there's no way she lasts...
She’s cubing up the salmon, and Bastage can’t believe it. He wonders why she’d risk drying out the salmon by chopping it up so small.
Gordie sees Zoidberg looking despondent and asks what’s wrong. Nothing is wrong, that’s just how he is. Gordie points out that some of his stuff is catching on fire. Zoidberg uses the word “frazzled,” and shit, when he says things like that he really does sound like Zoidberg.
The judges confer again, and they all seem stunned that most of the contestants are using the strawberries. Bastage asks if it’s too obvious to use the pistachios to make a crust on the salmon, and Teddy reminds him that these are home cooks.
So we’re down to almost no time, and everyone is frantically running around plating their dishes. How is it that every contestant ever single time is always finishing in the last 5 seconds? I’ll tell you how. Editing.
So, before the judges announce which 3 dishes they’ll be tasting, they want to share with the whole group which contestant has the WORST dish. Not for elimination or anything. Just to be dickholes. The worst dish belongs to...
Ben. Wow, pony. Way to not gallop. Has someone been feeding you fermented apples?
Alright, so...the three contestants are...well, Suzy is first.
Even she can’t believe what a you-know-what she is...
She tells the camera that she is the best chef here, by far. That was the kind of thing My Sharone-a was saying last year...when there were only like 12 contestants left. Not now. Dial it back, and I’ll see you next tuesday.
Gordie likes it, but asks for less strawberries. Bastage isn’t impressed, though. He calls her out on some hocus pocus.
The next plate belongs to...Christian. Ye, though he walked through the shadow of the valley of death, he...no, I don’t have any direction with that. He survived the Last Temptation. That’s all I have to say.
PRAISE-AH! JESUS-AH!
Funny enough, it’s a pistachio crusted salmon. Regardless of it being “obvious,” they were impressed with how well he did it. Suzy watches in the background, working on her Luke Perry smolder.
TG announces the third contestant, and says they were nervous about it, but he thinks it probably turned out ok. It’s Jennie Kelly. Oh, two first names. Never trust anyone with two first names...
This smile says “I will fuck you in your sleep, and I promise you won’t like it...”
So they all try her dish, and seem to like it. And now, they gather, and make their decision. But, of course, not until after the commercial.
After the commercial, they announce that the winner is...Christian! Suzy is upset! She takes this opportunity to tell us that she thinks she actually had the best dish, and is disappointed with the judging for this round. Suzy, this isn’t the 3rd grade science fair, being judged by random social studies and gym teachers. This is MasterChef, being judged by three very accomplished culinary geniuses. Fuck off...
Seriously, you’re more disgusting to me than taint sweat.
Alright, so Christian gets the big advantage for the elimination round. He gets to pick the style of food for the next challenge. The theme is “European cuisine.” The judges each unveil one style.
Bastage unveils Spanish food. He says, and I quote because I’m not NEARLY a bad enough writer to come up with this line on my own, “It’s truly where the ocean kisses the mountains, and the flavors combine into the most incredible...” and then goes to list a few dishes. WHO WROTE THAT? GIVE ME THEIR JOB!!! That’s just an awful line.
TG is up next, and he has French food. He actually speaks like a normal human being, and not like a bridge-guarding troll hoping to confuse the would-be-crosser into guessing wrong.
Gordie goes last, and states that his cuisine is the #1 cuisine anywhere in the world...and it’s British!
At that, Teddy laughs and jiggles like a bowlful of figgy pudding.
I like how there’s a bottle of Newcastle beer sitting among the British food items. Seriously, that’s the best beer you could thing of to represent Britain? Not something that doesn’t suck? I hear there’s a pretty good brewery on, ya know, the smaller island. Guinness, I think it’s called? Seriously, Newcastle? I’m actually angry.
So, it’s Christian’s choice...and he chooses...!
Well, the three judges and Christian march out. They announce that Christian chose...well, they ASK what he chose, and he says: Vive le France! But he doesn’t pronounce it “frahnce” like you would if you were trying to sound French. He pronounces it the way Americans pronounce it...Frayance.
Je suis 'mer-can!
Then, the judges throw a WICKED curveball. I mean, this is like you’re revved up for some Nolan Ryan fastball comin’ at you at 102, and instead you get this sweeping hook that doesn’t even get to the plate in the air, but before it’s gotten to you, you’ve already hit yourself in the back of the head with the bat.
And, in keeping with the theme, that metaphor was a strike out.
The curve, though, is that Christian doesn’t have to cook. The judges give him a glass of champagne and tell him to go wait on the balcony for the next hour and just watch everyone.
So the remaining 17 contestants scramble around in the pantry trying to decide exactly what French dish they’re going to prepare. A minute out of the pantry, and Jennie is already begging Tracy for some heavy cream. Tracy gives her some. What the hell, Tracy...this isn’t how a competition is supposed to go. You say “no,” and then you shit in her food when her back is turned.
Nazi Max tells us that just like his people conquered France (well, until the Star and Stripes showed up), he will conquer French cuisine. He says he’s clearly at an advantage because of the whole trust fund baby thing. Christian, from the balcony, taunts him.
“I’m watchin’ you, you Nazi bastard!”
The judges start circling like the vultures they are. First under the microscope is Erryn. He’s cooking sweet potato pomme frites and carpaccio. Uhm. Not. Fucking. French. Gordie points it out, but Erryn forges ahead.
Second, they come to Josh Duhamel. He’s cooking a fillet in bernaise sauce. Teddy asks if he’s ever had French food, then wishes him luck. Yikes.
Drunk Christine is playing the “one glass of wine for the food, one glass for me” game. That’s a similar game I’m playing with this recap. Except I’m not pretending that I’m not drinking ALL of the alcohol that’s being consumed. She tells us she’s not even drunk yet, but really puts an emphasis on “yet.”
I can’t decide which is hotter...that fire or the MichRod tank top.
Jennie (remember her? I told you not to bother) is cooking 3 soups. She says when she was in Paris, she loved to just go to bistros and see what the soup du jour was.
It’s the soup of the day.
Ah, that sounds delicious. I’ll have that.
Gordie makes it to Nazi Max’s station next. He’s cooking cod something something something French. Gordie asks if he’s been to France before.
“Of course I have...”
Max...you’re 18 fucking years old. If you’ve been to France before, you don’t get to claim any credit for it. When you say “of course I have,” like everyone should have been to France by the time they’re 18, you sound like a douche. Well, you are a douche, so maybe that’s the goal. Seriously. Fuck. You. But first, knock Suzy out.
Angel is making a fruit tart. That’s boring
Deathmetal Derrick is making a savory gougere. I don’t know what that means.
The judges reconvene and talk about everyone. Bastage is surprised by the number of desserts he’s seen. Really? Now we’re under 10 minutes, and the camera is just wandering around showing us all the people who are in trouble. That’s like everyone. Even Suzy is having trouble.
There’s a 10 second countdown, and at the end, there’s clapping, and sighs of relief. So, we’ve got 17 people who will be tasted. Their dishes...the dishes will be tasted. NO, NOT THE ACTUAL PLATE, STAY WITH ME, PEOPLE!!
First up is Nazi Max. The judges all love his dish. Poached cod in something something something. Je ne sais pas.
This is Nazi Max, basking in glory. BASKING.
It’s-a Me, Mario makes profiteroles. It’s-a great success. Suzy does a duo of tarts. Fuck you, Suzy. Just make one dish. I want them to disqualify her just for being a C---. I can’t say it again. But, maybe if I say “can’t” like Gordie...Suzy, you’re a cahn’t. Yes, that’s close enough. I feel better. The judges like them. Teddy tells her that she reminds him of the girl he sat by in high school that was like “teacher, you forgot to give us homework.” Suzy tells him that she was that girl.
Oh, it all makes sense now.
Seriously, this is the anti-Whit. Whitney last season was my beautiful, melodic Yin, and Suzy this season is the cacophinc YAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGGG. Suzy is the freshly smeared dogshit to Whitney’s lavender oil. She’s...I have to stop, I’m about to get crude...er. Suzy is the teeth in a blowjob. Yeah, see? I gotta stop.
Back to what’s real. Alejandra made some cod and steamed clams. Also good. Jennie is up next. She made 3 soups. Hm. The judges aren’t very please. Least please is Bastage...
Jennie, I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is...and it is NOT these soups!
He tells her she’s in strong contention for bottom 3. Next is Josh Duhamel, who’s going to do everything he can to keep Jennie in the contest. First, he put bernaise sauce on his fillet. Second, he decided to thicken up his mashed potatoes with raw flour. What the fuck, how does anyone make that mistake? Cook them down. Blech. Have you ever tasted raw flour? Dumbass. Well, he knows he’s kinda fucked.
Deathmetal Derrick shows up, with his gougere. It looks disgusting, until Gordie cuts into it. Then it looks amazing. It’s like a cheese biscuit with a poached egg inside it. Gordie says he’s reinspired. And then Angel is called to the stand.
At this point, I’m not sure why you don’t just take your apron off and go home...and just save yourself the humiliation.
Gordie tells her it’s the kind of dessert that gives you shits for a month. Drunk Christine must have blacked out, because she overcooked the porkchop LIKE A BAWSE.
Next is Erryn. His “fillet carpaccio” and “sweet potato pomme frites” do not impress.
Well, we didn’t see all the contestants, but...it’s JUDGEMENT DAY! Gordie tells everyone that there were two dishes that were so good, they left the others in the dust. Max is quick to assume that he’s one of the two. Gordie announces the first one...and it’s Deathmetal Derrick!!! The second one is, not surprisingly, the 18 year old asshole who’s been to France. Nazi Max and Derrick are team captains for the next event.
Now to the bottom three. First up. Angel. Well, no shit. The fruit tart sans tart... Secondly, Josh “flour in my potatoes” Duhamel. The final dish is Erryn “France and Italy ALMOST have the same flags” and his carpaccio with burnt as fuck sweet pomme frites.
The person leaving MasterChef is...well, we gotta hear from all three contestants praying that they’re not the one...but it’s Angel! She handles it with grace. What can she do, though, she literally didn’t finish her dish. She tells us that she can’t cook French food, but if we want egg rolls, fried chicken, or collard greens, she’ll take care of us. Wait...one of these things is not like the others.
Oh, but wait! CUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEBALL!!!! Oh, HELL NO!!! Well, if these two idiots could count, and were listening to the “team captains,” bit, they’d know that you can’t have even teams with 17 people. Duh. And the second person sent home is...Josh D.
Ok, I get it, dumbass put flour in his mashed taters. BUT ERRYN DIDN’T COOK FRENCH FOOD! That’s setting a bad precedent. If I was in this competition, I’d make some mutha fuckin’ cheeseburgers every single challenge, and just make them good enough that they weren’t bottom 3. French, Canadian, Vegetarian, it wouldn’t matter. 100% all beef patty cheeseburgers.
Well, that’s it for this episode. Tomorrow is the first team challenge!!! Are you ready?!? What I really want to see is a Suzy Taintsweat vs Nazi Max knife fight. If only. >
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