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Well, we’re back to solving good, old-fashioned murders on Hawaii Five-0. But it was touch-and-go for a minute there, because this episode starts off with kids...and they’re wandering - unsupervised - through the Hawaiian jungles, looking for a bunker. Hawaii Five-0 is full of outstanding parenting tips...this one I call “don’t let your kids trespass.” They break into an abandoned military bunker, which is strictly off limits thanks to the lava tube hidden within. What’s a lava tube? Apparently a hole in the ground created by lava.
So anyways, these kids head into the bunker to do some exploring, and they all think they’re hot shit even though they’re only like 12, and let’s be honest...no one is hot shit at 12. They whip out a rope and start to lower one of the kids down into the hole, which is always a good idea when you can’t see the bottom...and just then some bats come flying out of nowhere and they drop the kid the last 10 feet or so. It’s ok though, he’s not hurt, but when he stands up and shines his flashlight around...
DOCTA JONES DOCTA JONES!!!
Yeah, they found a dead body. And that is why you always leave a note.
INTRO!!!
So McG and Locke are back at the Hilton...ya know, the one fuckin’ Dane Cook was staying in...because apparently Danno is staying there “temporarily.” That’s gotta be way more expensive than an apparently. Danno is just a diva, I think. Have a Snickers, Danno.
Locke is telling McG all about how he’s run Shelbourn through every database ever and can’t find ANYTHING on him, but McG presses on. The only way to capture Wo Fat is through Shelbourn. Locke looks at him irritatedly, like he wishes McG would just drop it. We all know that won’t happen.
So they get to Danno’s room, and knock, and Danno tries to send them away. Repeated knocks yield the same response, until finally McG reminds Danno that Jin is getting married that weekend (fastest wedding planning ever?), and they have to get their tuxes today. So Danno opens the door.
Oh, Danno, you motherfucker. McG is going to murder you now.
Taylor delivers the requisite “not what it looks like” line, even though what does a pair of people, fully clothed, handcuffed to each other “look like”? Especially when the cuffs are fucking police issue steel cuffs. Sex in this manner would result in bloodied wrists, not fun. But, of course, Taylor has to make sure that McG knows that she’s still available TO HIM, but hey...she may not be opposed to a chain-gang-bang with him and Danno.
So apparently TS is over because Danno’s wicked expensive room comes with free spa service...he didn’t want that to go to waste, so he called Taylor. What about Boomer? Chick can kick some ass, sure, but I like to think she’d have no issue stripping down for a massage...though admittedly I also like to think of Boomer stripping down for anything.
I digress. So anyway, apparently Danno was showing Taylor a handcuff trick called the Jersey Slip...aka the “hoodrat handcuff slip.” I didn’t know “hoodrat” was still a word. Well, when in Jersey. So dumbass decided to handcuff himself to TS to show her this trick, which is pretty silly in and of itself...but then he also managed to lose the key. Except he doesn’t, it’s in his pocket...just not the pocket he can get to with his free hand, and he’s too stupid to think it’s in the other pocket. There’s something fishy going on with this scene. I swear to fuck if Danno and TS are suddenly a “thing” after break, I may quit. McG unlocks TS from the cuffs, but tightens Danno’s and tells him to hurry up with the Jersey Slip thing. McG then proceeds to “accidentally” drop the handcuff key off the balcony...
This is my “you violated bro-code” look.
So, at the tux fitting, Jin explains that Malaria doesn’t want the boys wearing vests and bow ties. Goomba asks about cummerbunds, but Locke immediately tells him that they’re “restrictive and unmanly.” Truer words have never been spoken. They settle on suspenders. Also, Goomba uses his fishhook shaped necklace to open them for him. Everyone is mighty impressed. Way better than the non-functional Jersey Slip. Also, does anyone else think that “Jersey Slip” sounds like an STD?
McG’s phone rings, and so they’ve all gotta rush off to solve another murder. I am still wondering what the hell happened...in early episodes, questions like “why are you involving Five-0 for a simple homicide?” were tossed around. Now, they’re who you call when your cat gets stuck in a tree...
Boomer briefs the gang on the dead guy in the lava tube. They head inside, and meet Max, who’s all decked out for some spelunking. He brags about a spelunking society that he belongs to, and how they have charted the caves tied to this particular lava tube...
And he’s dressed like a cross between Super Mario and the Power Rangers.
Franklin tells them the floor of the tube is around 30 meters down. Doing some quick math, that’s right around 100 feet. Those kids lowered their friend down 100 fucking feet into the depths of hell. That’s irresponsible, even for 12 year olds. Danno quickly panics and volunteers McG for the job. Danno, that’s the second unmanly thing you’ve done today...
Franklin insists on coming as well, because he’s not a Danno, and he and McG head on down into the gaping maw. They find the dead guy, and Max starts his preliminary autoposy. The guy caught a bullet to the chest, which appears to be COD. Franklin also finds a wallet that says BADASS on it, which doesn’t hold a candle to “bad mother fucker,” but when he opens it up, the driver’s license is for an asian dude, while our dead guy is white.
And just then, as McG is examining closely to ensure that the dead white guy isn’t actually Asian...he wakes up.
Mostly dead is still slightly alive, after all...
I love how McG jumps back and screams in surprise, and Franklin just stands there like “whoa, neat!”
The mostly dead guy is taken to a hospital and placed in a medically induced coma, and they switch gears to Mr Badass, who has a list of batteries tied to his name, so they head over to find out why his wallet was in the hole with the victim. As they’re leaving H50 HQ, Simon shows up asking about his dad, and demanding a sit down w/ Locke to discuss it. He also issues a lightly veiled threat about what will happen if he finds Locke on his own. Simon seems destined to take over the family business.
So McG heads off to find Locke, and Danno and Jin go to find Badass. He’s all like “lol you guys didn’t bring McG, so I’m fucking running and you can’t do shit about it!!!!”
WRONG!!!
So after Jin bodyslams Badass, Danno starts questioning him. Badass swears he knows nothing about the Mostly Dead, until Jin comes out of a back room with an assault rifle and a box of g’nades. Badass still holds his tongue, and insists that they’re dummy grenades, til Danno goes McG and pulls the pin on one of the grenades, and puts it in Badass’s hands. I appreciate that Jin’s response to this is “you’ve been spending too much time around McG, LOL!” and not “Are you fucking retarded? You’re going to kill us all!!” It seems Hawaii Five-0 is comprised entirely of sociopaths.
The guy cracks and tells them that he saw the guy asking around about some blonde chick, and bribing the crap out of a bartender, and thought he’d be an easy mark. So he mugged him. Except then Mostly Dead came back with a gun and took Badass’s wallet. So a reverse mugging. Interesting. Badass goes dumpster diving to find Mostly Dead’s wallet, and we’re off to the races!
McG heads over to Locke’s to inform him of the situation, and is greeted at the door with a gun in his face. They argue about Locke’s handling of Mr Noshimori, and then McG jumps the track and asks if he knows who Shelbourn is. Locke won’t answer. Locke tells him that he can’t let him know any more about Shelbourn because of a promise to daddy McG. So McG sucks it up and tells him to be careful.
This is very suspicious...
McG walks out of the place and pulls out Locke’s passport. Sneaky sneaky...looks like Locke went to Japan, further strengthening McG’s belief that he’s not telling the truth about Mr Noshimori. What do you guys thing? My bet is Locke helped sneak him out of the country.
Boomer and Danno brief McG on the case. Boomer brings some new info...apparently Mostly Dead’s wife had no idea where he was, because he said he was in Arizona. Also, MD drained his savings account of $50k just recently. Something is going on here...she also is able to find out where he was staying, so the crew heads over.
They do some looking around, and don’t find much of interest, except a picture that has a blonde woman who presumably is who MD was looking for. Also, a receipt for a Halliburton briefcase. I guess that’s how he was lugging around the $50k
Just then, IA Dick Friar Fuck shows up...
Seriously, can this guy get shot already?
Actually, don't shoot him...I actually like the nickname Friar Fuck, and sadly I only JUST thought of it, so it'd be sad if he went away so soon after...
The H50 writers/directors/whatever are apparently terribly bad at this whole “confused dialogue” thing...or maybe it’s Friar Fuck and McG’s fault...but the ensuing moments are painful to watch. They fumble around and finally discover that their cases may be related. Friar is looking for the blonde chick that they found a photo of, and she was dead in the trunk of MD’s rented car. Geez. The one thing to come out of all this fumbling around is that they know where the blonde chick worked...she was a luau girl.
McG and FF head over to the luau place and talk to the manager. He tells them that he assumes the girl quit because she’s missed her last 3 shifts. They show him a picture of MD, and it turns out that the guy showed up a couple days ago, raising hell, and punched a bouncer and then punched the manager. He’s got a nice black eye from it. Otherwise he’s not too helpful.
Danno interviews one of the luau girls, who tells them about Blondie’s boyfriend. Apparently he was jealous, and was always taking her money. She gives them an address for the boyfriend.
Great, another dead end...
He tells them that MD came in, tied him up, took Blondie, and smashed his favorite beer mirror! He’s really hung up on the beer mirror, too. Friar Fuck gets pretty pissed about that, what since dumbfuck’s GF is dead and he’s crying about a beer mirror. The guy informs them that Blondie was up to something, but he doesn’t know what...but conveniently FF finds her cell phone.
Taylor managed to dig up video of the hotel lobby, and they see MD hand over his Halliburton case to Blondie. Something is definitely up. Apparently he waited for 6 hours and she never returned. They get a call that MD’s wife has show up.
Ms MD is at the hospital, so they question her about the photo of Blondie with some random Joe, and she recognizes...the guy! Weird! It’s her son! Who was murdered over 2 years ago!!!
It turns out that her son’s body was never found, so her and her husband had set up all sorts of rewards and websites for information. They’d been dealing with false claims for years at this point, and she’d given up hope, but MD still thought the son was alive.
Now that all this info about the kid has come out...Taylor takes a closer look at the photo, and determines it’s likely been shopped. Why? Because the light on his face is coming from the right, and the light on the rest of the picture is coming from the left. Good lord, how does no one notice that...
Man, someone may get fired for this one...
So it turns out Blondie emails MD through their website to let him know his kid was alive. You know, you’d think that prior to giving $50k to a stranger, you’d have someone check the photo proof that you were sent, right? Good grief...
She sent another email about a local gang, the Kapu, and how they had MD’s kid and he’d need to come with money. So they want to talk to the Kapu, and Boomer tells everyone that if you want to get info out of the Kapu, you gotta go about it right. Friar Fuck says fuck that and does his own thing, which results in a terrible staring contest and no information. Boomer kicks FF out of the interrogation room and does it her way. Her way doesn’t yield a confession, but he does tell them that the particular luau that employed Blondie is the host of some shady shit, such as scamming tourists.
Why can no one on this show pronounce “tourists”? For like half this episode I thought they were saying some word in Hawaiian. It sounded like “turris”. I mean, I’m not asking anyone to say “The Rural Juror.”
Taylor runs into McG’s office to break the earthshattering news that this whole thing is a scam! NO FUCKING KIDDING. Apparently the photo of Blondie and the kid was just another tourist photo with the kid’s head (taken from the website) shopped onto it. OH! That’s why it appeared like there were two suns!!! So we’re not on Tatooine after all!
Oh, hell...I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear a Star Wars joke...
So, turns out the manager at the luau is the one who doctored the photo, then passed it on to Blondie to contact MD with.
Because McG loves a good chase, Five-0 shows up with sirens screaming and lights flashing, giving the manager plenty of time to start running, which he does.
There’s really no need for a picture here...it hurts the continuity of the recap and everything...but I just HAD to share the McG angry chase face with everyone. It’s that good.
The manager is so horrified by McG’s ACF that he is looking behind him the whole while he’s running. This is fantastic, because as many of you (and I, especially) have been waiting for, Boomer gets a chance to shine.
It’s about damn time...
Even McG is impressed. Hopefully he’s thinking about how she should be doing more of this and less cutting the crust off his sandwiches. Domesticate TS imo. The manager confesses to the murder of Blondie and the mostly murder of MD, and then decides to be even more cooperative and tell them how he learned about the “easy score.” Apparently he shared a cell in Arizona with the guy that murdered MD’s kid.
He decided that rather than be a decent person and let them know about their kid, he’d see how far he could take the scam. Too far, I guess, which is why everyone is either dead or mostly dead and he’s going to jail. Friar Fuck asks for the name, which the manager won’t give up. FF threatens to enroll him in the “psycho of the week” program...which I’m sure doesn’t really exist...but it’s enough to get him to talk.
Boomer and Friar Fuck are watching a video of the interrogation of the kid’s killer. FF tells her they got a full confession and all the evidence necessary to get a conviction...which of course doesn’t even matted because this guy is serving double-life anyways. Boomer asks why he did it...
The kid picked him up hitchhiking and...he felt like it.
MD comes out of his coma, and Five-0 tells him and his wife about the kid. That part isn’t interesting. The part that is interesting...well, it comes up after the wedding. Yeah, you forgot about the wedding, too? Jin and Malaria forever!!! Ok, past that.
Jin is lei-ing her at the wedding, to save himself some effort on the honeymoon...
So after the ceremony ends, McG sees Locke sneaking away. He follows him, and Locke asks why he stole the passport. McG confirms he won’t back down, no he won’t back down, you could stand him up at the gates of hell, and he won’t back down, and Locke tells him he was “hoping [he] wouldn’t say that...”
Seems like the second half of the season will be quite interesting. Most importantly...WHO THE SHIT IS SHELBOURN!!! An interesting theory was posed in the comments of the last recap...what if Shelbourn is McG’s dad?!? We never saw him actually dead. It would certainly alter the whole storyline with Spike, but I think it all could still fit together. Besides, this show is being filmed in the same place as LOST...like a few plot holes and contradictions aren’t expected...
See ya in a few weeks!!! >
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