|
Well, here we are. I can’t decide if I feel like last season ended a couple weeks ago or a couple years ago, but what I can tell you is that I didn’t forget how last season ended, because I knew with absolute certainty two things:
1. H50 would be reinstated within the first episode
2. The writers give so few fucks about anything making any sense that whatever they cooked up to get our boys (and girl) out of this mess would undoubtedly provide me with laughs, and hopefully even bigger laughs for you.
I was not disappointed. I hope you won’t be either.
So...the episode starts with a “previously on,” so in case you forgot, here’s the run down. Hu got blown up in a car bomb? Kelly, that’s Hu. That was sad. McG then realizes it was her that was sending him all the photos of his dad’s evidence back, and traces her death to the gov’nah! He makes a daring attempt to confront the gov’nah, but Wo Fat shows up, tazes his ass, and then shoots the gov’nah to frame McG. Meanwhile, Jin gets word that H50 is shutting down, so he jumps ship to HPD, and happens to be the arresting officer on the scene of the gov’nah’s shooting! Imagine his surprise! Also, Danno and his ex are getting back together, and Boomer is implicated in the theft of the $10 million from the evidence locker, and is arrested too. So...FLASH FORWARD to the present.
A week after all that mess, the gov’nah is getting buried. At least one person is not in attendance.
Not that I’m complaining...
So Boomer is not at the funeral, probably because of the whole “stole a bunch of money” thing, but then...why is she not in jail? I mean, maybe there hasn’t been a trial yet, but...I’m pretty sure they don’t let charged felons just go surfing whenever they want. Again, it’s cool. Also notably not in attendance...McG (who IS in jail) and Danno, who is no longer a cop and I guess doesn’t want to be there. Jin is in the crowd, of course, since he’s HPD.
It turns out that Danno is off at an airstrip somewhere in Hawaii, picking up this guy right here:
“Something smells like ‘bitch’ around here...is it you? I don’t see anyone else, so it must be you...bitch boy!!”
At the funeral, Jin glances over and guess who he sees in the crowd? None other than Wo Fat. Nothing says arrogant like showing up at the funeral of the person you shot twice in the fucking chest.
At the jail, McG is doing push ups in a tank top, because what else would he be doing in jail? A guard comes by to tell him he’s got a visitor...
...and we get our first aneurism face of the season!
Notice the lighting in this picture...half light, half dark. This is symbolic of a good vs evil internal struggle forthcoming in this episo...what the fuck, who am I kidding, they probably blew a fuse on the right side and didn’t want to do a re-take.
The visitor turns out to be Danno, and McG immediately comments on him not wearing a tie. Danno parries by reminding McG that he’s now unemployed, and ties are expensive. There’s some small talk, Danno tells McG they have no leads, and then in steps John Locke. It turns out that Locke just so happened to be the guy who trained McG in all forms of badassery, so it's safe to assume he's got a few thousand tricks up his sleeves as well. Anyway, it seems the new gov’nah is looking to hurry the trial and make an example out of McG, and John Locke tells McG that he’s here to make sure that doesn’t happen.
Seriously, when this guy tells you something, you know you can trust him.
Unless you ever watched LOST.
Jin catches up with Wo Fat after the trial and has some harsh, threatening words for him. Wo Fat’s bodyguards step in, and Jin slaps them away.
"Back off, Emoscara..."
Wo Fat decides to make like a tree and get the fuck out. Little does anyone know, but Jin managed to steal Emoscara’s wallet, so we know he’ll be involved later in the episode.
At the prison, McG gets some alone time out in the yard. I’m not really sure what’s going on, because he’s out here all alone, looking around like he’s expecting to meet someone, but I don’t think they allow 1 on 1 private meetings with other convicts in prison, do they? They make it a point to show a guard with a gun up on the wall. And just then, Spike turns up!
Of all the [prison] joints in all the towns in all the world, he has to walk into mine...
So the prison is totally cool with letting Spike (who McG put in prison) and McG (who put Spike in prison) hang out all alone? This seems like a bad idea...and when Spike pulls out a shiv, it looks like I’m not wrong. Spike basically beats the fuck out of the nigh invincible McG and shanks the shit out of him! I appreciate the writers at least giving us one guy on the show that can consistently beat up McG. I mean, I wouldn’t be able to relate to McG if he didn’t get his ass kicked on occasion...while McG is bleeding, Spike whispers sweet nothings in his ear until the guards pull him off.
INTRO!!! (wait, was Masi Oka credited in the intro last season? Does this mean he’ll be more prominent this year?!)
Post-intro, Danno and Locke head into H50 HQ, where Jin is already waiting. Lock introduces himself, and then Danno and Jin get into a lover’s quarrel about the whole “Jin joining HPD” thing. Locke tells them to stop being little bitches. Jin lays the evidence out, which basically all points to McG. Thus far, things look bad, but it’s always darkest before dawn (or so they say).
Besides, this is Steve Fucking McGarrett we’re talking about. He eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast...and yes, he does eat pieces of shit for breakfast...just because he fucking can. Steve McGarrett hides a third fist under his beard, and then hides his beard under his clean-shaven, manly-as-fuck jaw. The only don’t-ask-don’t-tell Steve McGarrett believes in is the one where you don’t ask why he’s beating your ass, and he doesn’t have to tell you. When Steve McGarrett jumps into a pool, the water momentarily considers fleeing in terror, but then decides not to because it knows that if it fled, Steve McGarrett would run it down anyway and would whoop its ass for not being there to catch him (and yes it has time to think all this, because Steve McGarrett jumps higher than fuck). The point is, there is nothing Steve Fucking McGarrett can’t badass his way out of (and yes, with McG, “badass” can be used as a verb).
Anyways, Locke asks for info on Wo Fat, and Danno sends him off to meet Special K. Immediately after, Danno gets a call about McG getting shanked, and rushes off to confront Spike. Spike tells Danno and Jin that he intentionally didn’t hit anything important when he shanked McG, because that would give him the best chance to escape. He wants McG out to put Wo Fat down before Wo Fat has HIM shanked in prison.
“Wait, what?” you ask. Stay with me, people. We cut to an ambulance that must be doing at least 25 down the freeway, and McG’s eyes open. He beats the fuck out of two perfectly innocent paramedics, and then...!!
Man, you’re bleeding a lot, McG. Good thing there’s an ambulance right there...oh...right...
I seriously can't tell you how hard I laughed at this scene. And clapped my hands in celebration of the triumphant return of the only show more absurd than 24. Ever.
McG somehow gets up and runs off despite the fact that he has a nice abdominal wound AND just leapt from a briskly-paced ambulance, and no one in any of the cars that witnessed this seem to care to do anything about a clearly escaped convict. McG’s getaway involves running down an ally, crossing a street, and ducking into a gas station bathroom to clean and repack his wound. As luck would have it, a cop stops into use the same bathroom. McG tries to do the peaceful thing and hide, but the cop finds him, so McG does the McG thing and beats the hell out of him. He then steals his cop uniform, and his car, and leaves this poor bastard cop lying naked on the floor of a gas station bathroom.
Man, it’s a good thing that cop’s uniform was tailored to fit me perfectly. What are the odds?!
Lock is over at Special K’s, and they have a brief chat about Wo Fat. She then gets a phone call from Danno about McG escaping, and Locke sees one of the photos of evidence on the wall that jumps out to him. A medal. He takes it and leaves.
Franklin (well, there we go, more prominent already) arrives home and opens his front door. Once inside, he notices the window RIGHT BY THE FRONT DOOR is smashed out. He does the smart thing and grabs his umbrella and stalks stealthily through his house, while dialing 911. Then he sees McG unconscious on the floor and hangs up.
When McG comes to, he’s all patched up, and Max is sitting next to him. That’s cute...so presumably he passed out from blood loss, but all it took was some first aid to get him right again? I mean, at the least, wouldn’t he need that blood put back in him? I doubt he and Max share a blood type, since McG is the only living creature with a blood type of AWESOME. THEN Max tells him that, conveniently, his roomie is out of town, and they wear the same size clothes, too!!!
You’ve got to be shittin’ me! How hard is it for me to keep my fucking shirt off for 30 seconds? FUCK!
Then there’s a knock at the door, and it’s Danno and Jin! More squabbling ensues between Danno and McG, but we all know it’s because Danno loves McG and is just worried about him. Danno gets a call from Locke, who tells McG he has someone he should talk to, Danno replies with something about Yoda and telepathic messages, and Franklin jumps in to correct him (because SHIT, Danno, EVERYONE knows Yoda isn’t telepathic).
On a side note and shameless self-plug, keep an eye out...I’m recapping my trip to Dragon*Con (in Atlanta) a couple weeks ago...remember “Spectacu-Con” from this episode? It’ll show up on here one day, and boy howdy, you don’t want to miss it!
Anyways, McG and Danno take off to meet up with Lock, but in Franklin’s car, since Danno’s will be recognized by the HPD. On their drive, McG’s spidey sense tells him that Danno is unhappy, and asks him about it. It turns out that the baby that Rachel is pregnant with is probably not his, actually, but step-Stan’s, so she’s getting back together with him. Bummer. I guess the door is wide open for the Boomer-Danno thing again. What do we call it? Doomer?
Jin and Franklin drop off the stolen police car presumably somewhere out of sight, and then Jin tells Franklin to hop out of the Camaro so he can drive it back. Franklin says no, on the premise that he’s having too much fun and is prone to car-sickness, but my theory is that he had a raging car-induced boner. Boomer calls to tell Jin that she found Emoscara, but no Wo Fat. However, instead she sees some clearly European guy meet with him...I mean, no one in America wears his hair like this...except Danno...and Pat Riley...
Clearly he will be starring in Die Hard 5...or 17. Whatever.
Danno and McG meet up with Locke, who tells McG that the medal in the photo was given to daddy McG by a Japanese guy who earned it by bombing Pearl Harbor. He apparently moved to Hawaii, met daddy McG and gave him the medal as part of his apology (grandaddy McG being on one of the ships that was sunk and all), and they became friends. Apparently daddy McG hit some evidence somewhere, and told this guy where that was.
It turns out Boomer decided to tail Emoscara to the next stop, and Boomer keeps taking photos of everyone. This time, she finds Wo Fat.
Damn, this man knows how to look good for the camera.
Just then, her computer gets a hit on the German guy. And then, with perfect timing, someone opens her door and shoves a gun in her face. They drag her down to speak with Wo Fat, who implies that his men may do some bad things to her, possibly including killing, but that he’s merely a business man, and walks off.
Special K shows up at Goomba’s shave ice stand, and asks to use the bathroom (and gives this awful wink), and because she’s so bad at playing the part he makes her buy a shave ice. She tells Danno and McG that there was a locker key in the tool box, and that now that they had the hidden location of daddy McG’s secrets, she was able to trace the key. Danno and McG somehow get ahold of a helicopter (seriously, is it THAT easy?) and fly out to wherever this locker is, find a memory card hidden against the inside, and fly back to the shave ice stand. They watch the video, realize there was a hidden camera in the gov’nah’s study, and Danno and Jin rush off to find it. When they leave, some random detective sees them and decides that McG MUST be inside, so he calls in backup. Smart man, not going in there alone.
Danno and McG just waltz right into the governor’s office...which I should remind you is now OCCUPIED by a new governor, but whatever. They find the hidden camera in a clock, but have no way to get to it. Except dropping the clock and stomping it, which is what Danno does. Just then, the Lt Governor walks in.
That awkward moment when the guy whose clock you just smashed walks into the room...
Jin explains the situation, and the Lt Gov is willing to hear him out and view this evidence.
Back at the shave ice stand, the entirety of HPD has shown up. McG confesses to Locke that he’s worried that maybe his dad was dirty. He’s still thinking about when Wo Fat told him he wouldn’t like what he found if McG kept digging. And then the cops decide it’s time for action. McG decides these are bad odds even for him, so he decides to turn himself in and bet on the hidden camera in the gov’nah’s study to prove him innocent.
Of course, bad odds for McG are about a 60% chance of success.
And, again, right on cue, Jin and Danno show up with the Lt Gov and announce that McG is innocent, and everyone goes into the shave ice hut to watch the video. What gets me is that they don’t rewind and watch McG getting tased over and over and over again and laugh at him. These guys have no sense of humor.
The Lt Gov apologizes, and McG tells him to stuff his sorries in a sack and asks him to reinstate H50. This time, though, there’s no total means and immunity anymore. That will last all of the last 10 minutes of this episode. Also, Boomer is still not part of the team, because she’s under investigation.
That, of course, reminds everyone that Boomer was supposed to check in an hour ago, and NOW they just realize she hasn’t and start to worry. No matter, though. She’s only stuffed in the trunk of a car. Nothing she can’t handle...
Seriously, the things she can do with her wrists bound...I’ll be in my bunk...
So she finishes beating this guy’s ass, then calls Jin to tell him that the deal is going down at the marina, so H50 proper hauls ass to the marina. They arrive to see the boat already away from the dock, but Boomer sees the European dude and she and Locke run after him. The dude spots her and opens fire, but Boomer does what she does best, and puts 2 in the chest.
Also, I am loving these shorts. They’re short, sexy, AND give her full range of motion with her legs, which is essential for epic ass kicking!
In the trunk they find what Locke refers to as the raw materials for a dirty bomb.
And now we’re at the climax. Ya know, the one where the boys are on a boat chasing a bigger boat in the ocean. Jin drives up close behind it, and McG and Danno hop aboard. I appreciate how the rest of the episode ignores the fresh stomach wound McG has, or the 4 or so pints of blood he lost. Whatever.
So Danno and McG are aboard, dividing, conquering, and shooting the fuck out of everyone on the boat. Then Jin sees a guy up top that they don’t see, and does his thing.
Have any of you EVER shot a shotgun before?!?
Seriously, holding it one armed, that would probably break his arm or his jaw. Or both. This is the shit that makes this show AWESOME. It's complete lack of fuck-giving of anatomy, biology, chemistry, physics, words, math, thinking, writing...
Never mind that, though. Wo Fat isn’t on the boat, but the money that he got from selling the dirty bomb is.
McG finds emoscara, who is somehow a-ok after being shot, and asks him in REALLY, REALLY bad Chinese if he speaks English. Why not start with English? I mean, I’m not even sure how that guy understands him.
They take him into their cinderblock interrogation room. Emoscara tells them he doesn’t know where Wo Fat is. Danno doesn’t buy it, but McG says he does, and tells him to go. As bait. Oh, McG.
There’s a happy moment with Five-0 reunited and having a beer or whatever. Boomer is kinda bummed that she’s not reinstated yet, but everyone else is happy. Ish. Danno isn’t having beers, he’s working.
McG walks in to talk to him, and sees a video of McG’s dad shaking hands w/ the gov’nah and Wo Fat. McG decides that Spike may know something about what deal was going down, and so he wants to talk to spike.
Looks like Buffy beat them to it...
Then we see Wo Fat just walking out of the prison, wearing a prison uniform, which is also all kinds of loop-holey, but then...
AND THEN!!!!!!!
SPECIAL K IS BAAAAAD!!!!!
Wait, didn’t I (and I think some of you as well) call this RIGHT OFF THE BAT? Actually, I did, conveniently in the Spectacu-Con recap I’ve already linked once! You know your writing is cliche when it would be a bigger twist to NOT have a twist (ie Special K turned out to be good the whole time) than to actually use the twist as planned. What, now are they going to have ANOTHER twist where Wo Fat and Special K are BOTH GOOD?!
(If they do, I’m going to sue them for stealing ideas from my recaps)
Love you all, so glad we’re back!!! See you next week for hopefully more shirtless McG, and PLEASE give me a new epic takedown...it’s time for another gif! >
source: |
