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Alrighty Kiddies! Did you miss me? We had a break from this borefest for a week cause of the MTV Movie Awards (shown on vh1 for some unknown reason). Did you guys watch them? Me neither. I'd rather watch Racheal and Robb 69'in. J/K. Sorry for the visual. Yuck. Anyway, so over the course of like a year and a half, I had gotten bit by a spider in the EXACT SAME SPOT on my back 5x (the 5th being this past week). Well, as I was laying by the pool trying not to scratch it (it was extremely painful and gross and itchy), I realized that me getting bitten by these alleged spiders in the same spot seemed......a little.....well.....REDICULOUS! So I decided it was time to go to the doc. Long story short, It's a form of mothafuckin' shingles. Yup. Fucked up , huh? Ya wanna know the most fucked up part? They perscribed me VALTREX!!! WTF? Apparently, Valtrex can be perscribed for a plethora of different viruss. And now everyone at my Walgreens thinks I have the Herp. My bestie suggested I try to have some fun with it, as in, continuously scratch my crotch area when I go to pick it up. So , that's my update on my life for ya'll. On to booze, trying to become a professional dancer minus an agent, and morons for days. For example:
Man, Robb is the epitomy of S-T-Y-L-E! (insert eyeroll here).
Montage what we've seen, and montage of what we're gonna see.
Night shift at SR. Everyone seems to be in good spirits. Robb VOs that he and Rach have had a couple blow-outs (aka Rach has gotten wasted, biligerent, and violent, and he has let it roll off his back like a little bitch), but they work well together, and blah blah, and Rach is a good bartender, and she's fast. Ya don't say?
Robb and Ratface (the nosy, old-ass shot hoe that constantly gets in people's business and runs her Cum Dumpster all day long) have a heart to heart. Ratface goes on and on about how everyone's so thrilled that the two are dating cause Racheal has always dated assholes, and Robb is super-sweet and positive. Ugh. I wonder why Rach always dates a-holes. Probably cause she's a colossal Dickhead who likes to get drunk and pick fights for no reason, and call an innocent chubster a fatass over a scam/trip to Cabo. Ya think? It's like no one can figure out why she ends up with assholes, as if she's some sort of "catch", or a diamond in the rough. These people are delusional. Robb tells us he lives the "great life". Really? You're, what, 30 or so? And you bartend at Saddle Ranch. Livin' the dream, my friend, livin' the dream.
Time for Cassie's audition to dance with the "Hell's Belles" burlesque dance troup. Good luck, Twinkle toes! Here is the Head Dancer of the troup who's running the audition:
She's......so......uh.....sexy?
The Hell's Belle's tell her to just "do what you would do for a solo". Um.....ok. Cassie flips her hair all over the place to the music, does some stretchy-reachy moves, and she looks pretty graceful doing whatever she's doing. She finishes, and the Belles tell her it was too "cheerleader-y". Cass says she's heard that before. She's told to try again, but this time, she must be raunchy and dirty. Sounds like a job for Racheal, but whatevs. Cass goes again, but adds in more "feeling herself up" moves. Impressive. She asks if it was "burlesque-y"enough this time. They tell her she's to perform on Monday. FYI-Monday is in 3days. LOL. Cass looks like she's gonna shit herself. Oh, and her performance will consist of a solo routine that she (in the three following days) must choreograph and find a costume for on her own. That makes no sense. What kind of dead-beat dance "troup" is this? I can't wait to see how this one turns out.
Back at SR, Cass is running around making sure everyone that works there is going to ask off work to come watch her perform. Noah tells us that Cass dances "ok", but "she might mess it up". What a meany.
HATER
Robb has organized/planned a snowboarding trip. Ick. I hate snow-sports. I hate snow. I hate being cold. I'd rather have hemorriods than go snowboarding. I'm not kidding AT ALL. But enough about me, these tools are super-duper excited! Yipee! When they board a bus that will be taking them to the "Mountain High" ski-place-thingy, Robb announces "This is a whine-free, drama-free zone!" Well, then your GF must vacate the bus at the next stop. Preferably not at a bar, thankyouverymuch.
They arrive, and are all "stoked". *groan*. As soon as they get their equipment, Robb volunteers Rach to teach the girls, and he'll go with the guys. So, Racheal instructs the females who are first-timers on the fundamentals of snowboarding, and they have a great time. GOTCHA! HAHAHAHAHA! She actually bitches, complains, whines, and is condescending to the rookies. Now, that's our Rach! Oh, and we are also treated to Robb calling Rach "baby" multiple times in this scene.
Yup, me too
Montage of the guys snowboarding their asses off. Montage of the chicks busting their asses......off.(?) :) Anyway, I guess it's time for booze, then, cause they head off to the bar. I remember when I thought being a bartender was cool, and I too had to associate alcohol with every activity under the sun as well. Believe me, it gets waaay old waaay fast.
Well, it did in MY world, at least.
Ruh rooooh....some shit is bout to go down. Ya know how I can tell? This image.
Rach and Kam bestie moment=Rach explosion in 3....2....1..
LOL
Apparently, Rach is mad because Kam "left her", as she tells Robb through TEARS, ya'll. Then this happens:
OMFG
Just sayin'
Rach tells Robb and the world that she's "OVER it." Ugh. I hate the phrase "I'm OVER it!". In fact I'M OVER IT! Annnd scene!
Cassie has asked Noah for some choreography help for her burlesque routine, even though he tells us he has zero experience in burlesque-type dance. That's more than enough for me to make the decision to skip this scene entirely.
Back at work, Rach and Robb are on shift together, but have not resolved things from their fight on the slopes. AW-KWARRRD! Rach tells us that she's still pissed cause "All I wanted to do was spend time with my boyfriend, and he didn't take my side and that's bullshit!"
Jeez.
So, it's performance night at The Viper Room. Montage of the "Helle's Belle's" performing. Noah VOs "It's really sexy. Can I get a lap dance?" Oh, Noah. I'd thought you'd never ask! I just gotta go take my Valtrex real quick, first. LOL.  Anyway, She begins doing her thang, it's really f-in hot and sexy, she plays with Nick a little in the audience, then she trips up a little breaking her shoe. DAY-UM! That shit would suck. Now her choreography has disappeared from her memory (I've been in a similar situation before, and it blows. Big time.), and as she contemplates either 1) Continuing with a broken shoe, running the risk of breaking her neck (did she mean ankle? Is that a bit dramatic to anyone else?), or 2) Getting rid of the shoe, we go to commercial.
Sidenote-I hate how reality tv editors attempt to create a "cliffhanger" out of nothing, as if we are all hanging by a thread, on the edge of our seats, waiting to see if Cassie will choke or not, KNOWING she will smile through the rest of her routine just fine, get the appropriate applause, and earn a spot with the "troup", despite her fumble, no? Phew. NVM *twitchtwitch*.
Back from commercial. Shocker of the century. Cassie smiles through the rest of her routine just fine, gets the appropriate applause, and........
....zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz....
Next day at SR. Another heart to heart between Robb and Ratface.  Robb says , in a nutshell, that although Rach fucked up, he's not going to "abandon" her, and....
FML
I'm over this episode, so here's the last few mins summed up for ya:
1) Cassie is officially offered a spot with the "Hell's Belle's".
2) She announces it to everyone. High-fives all around (no hugs allowed, remember?).
3) Then she reveals that she's basically a "fill-in" in case one of the "Belle's" is sick/injured. OUCH!!!
Next week, Kam's BF proposes to her via microphone during dinner rush at SR, to which she VOs "What the hell is he doing?". HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! CAN'T. WAIT.
Sorry this cap is so late, ya'll. L:ike I said, I've been sick. But also, I got a "The World According to Paris" c ap comin' atcha hopefuly by Sunday! Puppy kisses on your booooties!
Tmurdaxoxoxoxoxo
Oh, and BTW-i'm officially 28 as of yesterday. Whoop whoop! >
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