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Can I just say first.. no Arya and no Tyrion! WAHHH! Also no Bran, which I care less about. Basically no shorties allowed this week. But we DO get some other good stuff, so let's get in to it, after this awesome meme.
Lannisport (I think): Meet the Parent
First up, we are finally introduced to Lord Tywin, aka Papa Lannister, aka he who spawned incesting twins and an imp, aka the richest man in the Seven Kingdoms. He's got a little sophisticated Riff Raff from Rocky Horror thing going on.
If someone could edit banana hair on to his head I would really appreciate it
Papa Tywin does your basic parent lecture, with the addition that he is skinning some kind of bloody newly killed deer while doing it. In other words, 'what have you done with your life, you're an idiot, etc.' Tywin is not happy with Jaime for attacking Ned, which makes his life more complicated and puts House Lannister in danger - and that's what he really cares about; the eternal reputation of the House and the family name. I wonder if he knows about Joffrey's yucky parentage; something tells me no, because I don't think he'd approve with them recklessly risking the right of Cersei's children to the crown.
King's Landing: Stupid Ned
Oh Ned. He's going to do a LOT of stupid stuff in this episode, and it begins here with his meeting with Cersei. The conversation goes more or less like this:
Ned: “I know your brother is your lover!” (his awesome accent makes brother and lover rhyme.)
Cersei: “Those crazy Targaryens kept it in the family, and that turned out just fine. No insanity or anything. My twin and I shared a womb; therefore we would bone. ”
Ned: “All your babies are incesty. Gross.”
Cersei: “Heck yea they are. I give Robert drunk handjobs. I used to like him once but he was still in love with your dead sister. The first time we boned he called me Lyanna.”
Ned: “Well…. That’s too bad, but you still tried to kill my son, and also your babies have no right to the throne. So you should probably leave town, cuz when Robert gets back im gonan tattle, so he can hunt you down and kill you and I don’t have to feel responsible.”
Cersei: “you’re stupid. Why did you let Robert be king dumbass.”
Ned: “I dno shut up.”
Cersei: “When you play the game of thrones you win or you die.” The end!
Nobody really wins that conversation, because they each think they have the better hand. They both tell each other to leave town ASAP. Nobody leaves.
That face, as opposed to Ned's sweaty uncomfortable face, tells me she probably has the better hand.
King's Landing: Literal Fingerf*cking
Now it’s time for the best exposition scene of all time! We get to learn a little bit more about Littlefinger's past and his feelings for Catelyn, while watching the newly transplanted Roz (of Theon-boning fame) practice her fake orgasm and fingering skills on another whore of the house.
whorehouse yoda
Littlefinger's advice: “You’re not fooling them, they just paid you. They know what you are. They know it’s all just an act. Your job is to make them forget what they know.”
What I know:
1. Roz is an excellent finger f*cker
2. Littlefinger takes great personal care in seeing that his whores are well trained
3. Littlefinger likes to talk about catelyn to prostitutes; hes saving himself for her.
4. This is the best nonsequiter ever: “[I've been in love with Catelyn] for many years actually. Most of my life. Play with her ass.”
Playing with her ass
5. As we have sort of hinted before, Catelyn was in love with Ned’s brother Brandon before ned. Littlefinger challenged him to a duel; Brandon won, but Catelyn wouldn’t let him kill Littlefinger. He has a nice big scar though.
That's all, but feel free to watch this very explicit scene a million times, like I did :)
Winterfell: Theon Creeper Fail
Let's visit Theon, who is trying to convince Asha the newly captured wildling hostage that he's super tough and awesome. She gets him good though, when he tries to get her to call him Llord. She’s all um… isn’t your DAD a lord? And hes like yea, and im gonna be Lord after he dies soo call me Lord.… and shes like.. so you're not a Lord.
people south of the wall are so confusing
Then he gets pissed and gets all prepped to rape her. Luckily some old guy who I forget who it is comes in at the least minute to save her. Asha's like, naw, I wasn’t scared. First, Theon's a pansy, and second im running away from terrifying creatures of the night who want to eat me. Old man replies: “The things you speak of have been gone for thousands of years. Asha, with foreboding.. “They wasn’t gone old man. They was sleeping. And they ain't sleeping no more.” Yikes! When will these scary things be named?
The Wall: Jon Stewards It Up
While Jon and Sam are standing watch, they see Uncle Benjen's horse comes back.. with no rider. Since it's time to take the Night's Watch oath finally, Jon is pretty psyched to become a Ranger and go save his uncle. Fatty friend Sam will probably be reserved for stewardship. When the names are read out, Jon is shocked and angry when he's assigned as a steward, which means no combat, no ranging beyond the wall and no finding uncle Benjen. That is, until Sam makes him realizes they're prepping him for leadership. He’s personal steward to the top commander. Plus hell get to hang with Sam and be brotastic!
Jon is a northerner and follows the Old Gods (rather than the Seven followed by southerners) so he and Sam head beyond the wall to a weirwood, where the tree god idol things reside. They take their vows for the nights watch in front of this scary tree.
i miss pocahontas grandmother tree! AHHH!
What, no separation of church and state people? (I HATE that you have to swear on the Bible in court) t least they offer options. Jon and sam are very jolly about their oaths of celibacy and having no family and being trapped in the cold forever at first… until Ghost, Jon’s dirwolf (WHERE THE HECK ARE THE WOLVES THEYRE SO IMPORTANT) comes prancing out of the forest holding.. a human hand. Uh oh.
King's Landing: Pig Murder
Off camera, Robert got his ass kicked by a boar cause he was way too drunk. Hmmm. Regular drunk or roofied drunk? He's on the edge of death, so he says a sweet goodbye to Joffrey (nothing for Cersei) and asks Ned to take care of him and make him a better man. He dictates a will to Ned, which says Ned will be lord protector until Joffrey is old enough to rule. Without the heart to tell Robert Joffrey isn’t his son on his deathbed, Ned pulls a little switcheroo on the will and writes ‘my rightful heir’ instead of the name Joffrey. At the last minute, Robert also requests that Ned undo his assassination attempt on Daenerys – but Varys says its too late.
last call for mark addy nipples, last call
Vais Dothrak: Wooden Horses
Daen rys, who is newly fluent in Dothraki (I think this show has passed like a year already) is busy braiding her man’s hair which looks SUPER FUN! Woo gender role reversal. She's trying to convince him to cross the sea and seize the Westeros throne for her. Hes like, that’s dumb, I like ponies. Shut up about it.
ok, it does sound dumb when you say it like that..
Later, Daenerys and her crew hit the market for some shopping. Daenerys goes to whine to Ser Jorah Mormont about her plight, and he assures her everything will work out but also laughs at her for her obsession with the whole ‘rightful heir’ thing. The Targaryens got the throne by killing people with dragons, and Robert got it by killing people with swords. At some point the rightful heir thing goes out of the window.
Jorah also gets a very special letter with a royal pardon, saying he can return to westeros! But will he stay with his Khaleesi, who he seems quite fond of, or go back? Who's side is he on now? Jorah's kind of hot. He seemed older and grosser in the book. It seems to me like Jorah's loyalties lie with Danerys: He saves her again, leaping in at the last moment to save her from drinking some poisoned wine peddled especially to her by a Western wine merchant. This must be the assassination attempt Robert and Varys put together.
Just as Daenerys accepts the wine - as a gift, no less - Jorah steps in and asks the wine dealer to drink it first.
somebody's in troubblleeeee
The offending wine dealer tries to escape, but he gets Dothraki’d by some hot young guys with whips and big braids. Ohhhh yea.
Drogo is pretty pissed off about the whole attempt on his wifes life, to the point that he pledges to cross the sea and go murder and rape an d pillage and enslave the iron kingdom. Yay?
i know i love it when my man pledges to rape a bunch of other women...wait, what?
King's Landing: Metaphorical Finger f*cking
Everyone's got advice for Ned, but of course, being Ned, he doesn't listen to any of it. Renly's plan is to kidnap Joffrey, and take the throne for himself. He would be a good king; the other contenders wouldn't - Joffrey is an asshole with no right to the throne, and Renly's older brother Stannis is apparently a great soldier but a horrible unsympathetic asshole. I can't wait to see who plays him. Plus, the power could probably be transferred to Renly without a war. Of course, Ned wants to stick to the honorable course. He refuses to kidnap Joffrey and writes to Stannis to come take over King's Landing by storm.
Littlefinger also has some advice: make peace with the lannisters, release Tyrion, wed Sansa and Joffrey. They can use the info about his incest/bastardry for leverage in controlling the kingdom and keeping the peace, and if Joffrey turns out to be unmanageable they can reveal his secret parentage. Ned's all like nope, they tried to kill my son, how can I make peace with them? “We only make peace with our enemies, my lord. That’s why it’s called making peace.” Oh, Littlefinger is so wise. Again, Ned refuses to listen: " So it will be stannis and war." Ned is FINALLY doing something dishonorable buy asking Littlefinger to buy off the Kingsguard to stick with him instead of Cersei. There are a lot of smart dishonorable things I could have thought of to avoid this whole situation, but okay.
Poor ned. Stupid, stupid. Upon Robert's death, Joffrey immediately claims the crown. Ned goes before the new ‘king’ joffrey to show off Robert’s fancy will, which would put Ned rather than Joffrey temporarily in power. Cersei promptly rips up the will without a thought, and nobody can stop her. Renly has already skipped town and isn’t there for support. Ned limped his ass in there thinking he was going to be lord protector, and now he ‘s..
Littlefinger f*cked!
This leads to our last 'stupid Ned' meme...
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