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Happy Independence Day, Gasmii! I foolishly put my recapping duties on the back burner to go out and enjoy the holiday festivities. On Sunday, I was trapped indoors at a BBQ, thanks to torrential downpours and scattered thunderstorms, and on Monday, I had a wonderful time at my brother’s house until I got a $110 traffic ticket on the drive home for rolling through a stop sign on a deserted side street late at night. That’ll teach me to go out and have a life when I should be at home making love to my DVR. So, when this recap posts late, at least you can point your finger at me and laugh your asses off.
Over in Dillon, things seem to be returning to normal. Coach Father Figure has regained control of his team, Blind Side Lite has renewed focus and his starting spot back, and they’re rolling into the playoffs with momentum. Things are working out for the Red Storm on the field, so the drama this week mostly happens off the field and behind the scenes. And finally, we can see much more clearly FNL’s path to the finale.
We open up this week with the Riggins’ clan throwing a party to welcome home Texas Forever. Personally, I don’t think streamers, balloons and grocery store sheet cake are appropriate for a parole celebration. If Hallmark doesn’t have a greeting card for an occasion, you probably shouldn’t be throwing a party to mark said occasion. Other homecoming celebrations you should probably skip: Dropping out of college, getting evicted, and filing for divorce. But we’re talking about Small Town Loser, who has clearly forgotten that Texas Forever basically called him a colossal fuck up at the parole hearing. Those 10 months in jail… water under the bridge! Break out the Miller High Life!
Does that blob in the background know that his girlfriend is shaking her titties for twenties?
Luckily, Texas Forever agrees to be the marquee act in this particular dog and pony show. He takes his beer and steps aside to enjoy freedom, staring out the window at the patio. Pssst… you’re not in jail anymore, so you can actually go outside. T&T Girl notices this particular episode of introspective brooding and approaches him to point out that he looks lonely. Texas Forever rolls his eyes and changes the subject, asking what her boyfriend thinks of her working at the strip club. T&T Girl lies to Texas Forever, saying that he’s ok with her waitressing there and using the “it’s good money” rationalization.
That blob in the background is so hypnotized by my beauty to even notice that I'm gone for hours at a time with no explanation of where I am or how I got all that money.
In response, Texas Forever points out that there’s better money in stripping, clearly expecting things to head in that direction. T&T Girl says she’s not doing that, but Texas Forever utters, “You gotta do what you gotta do.” Because really, if she’s doing this for the money, the appeal of the stage will surely follow. And the lecture ends because it’s time to blow out the candles on his welcome home cake. All the while, Hayseed Hottie hovers and watches, clearly nervous about what the return of his girlfriend’s mega-crush might do to their budding relationship. Personally, I’m worried about what it might do to his production on the field.
Speaking of, the first round of the playoffs is glossed over completely, and for good reason. The Red Storm completely blow out their opponents:
OUCH! Talk about embarrassing!
The celebration in the locker room is loud and wild. Coach Father Figure comes in to congratulate them, but careful to keep the focus on getting to STATE! He says that it’s theirs to lose, and they ARE that good! He calls up the crippled Lil Dick to change the number up on the board. 4 becomes 3, which stands for the number of games left to win to get to the STATE championships.
Suddenly, it’s Monday morning, and Principal Downtrodden walks down a hallway decorated with posters cheering on the Red Storm. He joins an impromptu staff meeting, and those gathered are wondering what’s going on. The box of donuts on the table remains untouched as tensions escalate. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, he starts off by notifying them that some of them won’t have a job next semester. By my calculations, it’s early November in Dillon, TX. So that means that in about two months time, in the middle of a school year, teachers will be laid off. Harsh!
A jar of Vasoline would probably be better for the butt hurt he's about to lay on 'em.
Apparently, there’s no money left, and the school board even wants money back. Too bad they didn’t know this BEFORE they spent all that money on the banquet last week, huh? And Principal Downtrodden’s final word before leaving the meeting: PRAY!!! Wow, it must really be bad, because he just risked his job advocating for prayer in a public school! Coach Father Figure comments on this, suddenly regretting his public declaration of loyalty to East Dillon. Better got on the horn right quick and see if Shane State’s offer is still on the table.
Cut to Tami-Joe Clark’s office, where she’s trying to talk Lazy Bitch Teacher down off the ledge, assuring her she’s not getting fired… yet. Maybe, if you weren’t so lazy or as much of a bitch, you might be a bit more confident about the possibility of keeping your job. Luckily, the conversation is interrupted by a phone call to Tami from Braymore College Lady. Or at least, that’s what we assume, given Tami’s sudden secrecy as she shoos Lazy Bitch Teacher out of her office. She mentions “Assistant Dean” and the fact that she’s open.
Back at the Taylor residence, she elaborates on the opportunity to Coach while he lays on the floor playing with Gracie Bell.
He can't even be bothered to take Tami's job opportunity seriously, but at least he looks adorable while he's ignoring her.
It’s a small school in Philadelphia, like the Ivy’s but not an Ivy. Coach appears unimpressed with the school and the fact that they’ll fly her up to take the interview. Tami suggests that it might be worthwhile just for the experience, downplaying her interest in the opportunity, calling the whole thing a “Hoot!” Given the fact that they could both be out of jobs relatively soon, it might be a good idea to go for it. Discussion grinds to a halt by chanting noises coming from outside. Coach gets up and takes Gracie Bell to the door while Tami urges him to get rid of em. Outside, the Red Storm are running in place, chanting “STATE."
The football equivalent of serenading. All that's missing are the trench coats and "In Your Eyes" blasting from boomboxes raised overhead
Coach asks what they’re doing, and Blind Side Lite responds, “getting stronger.” Coach tells them to get off their lawn, and they break it down for Ms. Taylor. Blind Side Lite calls hike, and they run off, leaving us all with the warm fuzzies.
Over in the ghetto, Blind Side Lite gets home, walking in on a fight between Deadbeat Dad and Not Sandra Bullock over a case of beer. He knows she can’t have it in the house, but he argues that it’s not the crack rock.
Beer: The New Gateway Drug
Not Sandra Bullock eyes the beer greedily, holding onto the wagon for dear life. Deadbeat Dad doesn’t care, because he should be entitled to a cold beer and a hot shower after working all day at the slaughter house. Ahhh, so that’s his job. No wonder he’s been trying to ride his son’s star football player coattails. So much for his fatherly concern and being a better man.  Blind Side Lite somehow manages to talk some sense into him, exiling him to the chair outside the apartment to drink his beer. By the look on his face, he’s become a powder keg, and the flame is inching closer and closer.
If Texas Forever is pouring my drinks, I'd never get up from the stool. Except to pee.
Speaking of powder kegs, Texas Forever is towing the line at his new job, stocking glasses at Buddy’s bar. A customer asks for the volume to be turned up on the TV, and Texas Forever snaps, beating the shit out of him. HAHAHA! KIDDING! He politely asks Buddy for the remote and turns up the volume in time to for Smash Williams to score a TD for the Aggies of Texas A&M.
TD for Smash! I still can't believe Lrhflute and I had our own Blue Crush moment with him last summer!
Buddy reminisces about the good old days, saying that he used to be just like the guy out there blocking for Smash. But Texas Forever refuses to engage in a pointless game of What If. And to highlight just how far he’s fallen, Buddy asks if he knows how change the (beer) kegs.
Back at school, the coaches are crunching budget numbers, no doubt trying to save their collective asses. Small Town Loser and Black Coach bicker about ways to save money while Old Coach suggests they try to focus on preparing for their next playoff game. Coach Father Figure comes over to yell at them when an excited QB Princess approaches Coach with something he’ll love. If it’s not a bag of cash to save the sports budget, he’s probably not interested. She hands him a scouting report on a team they MIGHT play in the quarterfinals, complete with a DVD of the game. Coach reprimands her, saying it’s ILLEGAL for her to tape the game. QB Princess points out that she’s not a coach, so it’s not illegal for HER to be doing it.
Looks like someone is failing to recognize the stench of hypocrisy wafting off of herself.
Interesting how she’s willing to bend the rules here, but she was so up in arms about Blind Side Lite’s “not illegal” unofficial visit to Okla. Tech. Coach puts her in her place, which apparently belongs with the team’s dirty laundry and broken equipment, agreeing with her that she’s not a coach. Undeterred, she tells Coach that she wants to become a coach someday, and asks if she can shadow him. Stunned silent, he walks about to his desk while Old Coach plays the part of vocal chauvinist, saying she’ll never become a coach. She asks if it’s because she’s a girl, and Small Town Loser giggles like he’s in grade school, laughing at a classmate getting in trouble. A suddenly discouraged QB Princess drops the folder on Coach’s desk and the DVD in his inbox before sulking out of the office.
Dry humping qualifies as safe sex, but damn the chaffing is painful!
T&T Girl and Hayseed Hottie are engaged in some making out and dry humping on the couch when Texas Forever walks in. Hayseed jumps off T&T Girl and they both look guilty as sin. Texas Forever says, “Don’t stop for me!” as he goes to put a case of beer in the fridge. T&T Girl tries to make awkward conversation, asking how work was and saying that she made cookies if he wants some. He politely declines her offer of baked goods, opting for a shower instead. As he’s walking past Hayseed to the bathroom, he suggests that he use protection this time. AWWWWWW!!! That was uncalled for! Then again, Texas Forever is no longer the fun-loving free spirit he used to be. With the mood now shattered, Hayseed Hottie makes a hasty exit, saying he’s gotta get ready for tomorrow.
Fast forward to tomorrow and the end of the Red Storm’s second playoff game. We only get to see Hayseed Hottie’s beautiful interception and runback for a TD!!!
Another blowout win? Guess it's not important.
The celebration continues afterwards at Buddy’s bar, where Hayseed gets to put another game ball on display. I count 9 others, but there should be 10, right? They had 9 regular season wins, and this is their 2nd playoff win. 9+2=11. Dammit, props department! Get this shit right! Meanwhile, Coach and Tami are sitting off to the side having a heated discussion with Principal Downtrodden about the budget. Coach argues that football is a revenue generating sport, but Principal rebuts that their ghetto program ain't generating ANY revenue. The board meets in 10 days and football is on the chopping block.
If America gets to vote, they'll certainly give Coach the Golden Power of Veto.
Coach asks if Principal Downtrodden has his back, and he responds that he always does. I guess that’s true, even though he never wanted football in the first place last season and he was ready to hang the team out to dry over the viral video scandal. Tension builds over the future of the East Dillon Red Storm as they celebrate their playoff win, chanting STATE once again.
The next morning, Coach is making eggs and venting to Tami about the budget situation. He blasts Principal Downtrodden about wasting money on the banquet when he has coaches to worry about who are getting paid on stipends. However, Tami isn’t interested, interrupting Coach’s rant to talk about the Braymore interview again. She really wants to do it, but it happens to be scheduled for a Friday two weeks away. Coach points out that that’s the same day as the State semifinals, asking if it can be done some other time. Knowing how these things work, I believe Tami when she says no, talking about all the people that need to be there. Coach looks marginally pissed, but Tami begs him to be able to go. Gracie Bell calls out from the other room, interrupting the conversation, but we’re left to guess that Coach’s subtle nod as she walks away that he’ll deal with it.
The Red Storm practice in the rain, and Coach yells at Sunshine 2.0 for dropping the ball after they run a play. He can’t do that in a game, calling it a stupid mistake.
With his job on the line yet again, Coach goes a little overboard with the yelling.
Another potentially stupid mistake is QB Princess deciding to use that moment to revisit her coach’s shadow idea. She shows coach a newspaper article about the nation’s first female football coach. There’s her precedent, but Coach is unmoved, calling her a pest. Undeterred, she smiles because she knows that Coach is considering it.
At the Riggins household, Small Town Loser is verbally worrying about his job while he shares a beer with Texas Forever while Nascar plays on their duct taped television. Finally, Texas Forever shuts him up by firmly stating that he gets the situation.
Translation: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!
Small Town Loser silently frets some more, then tries to change the subject by inviting him to ride with the team to their next playoff game. Texas Forever states that he’s gotta work. Small Town Loser responds that Booster Dick will let him off, and Texas Forever shuts him down saying that he doesn’t want to be let off of work. Apparently, he just wants to brood and sulk. Suddenly, familiar sounds rise about the stock car engines revving on the TV, and Small Town Loser gets super excited, telling his brother to come see something. Outside, the team is jogging in place like they did for Coach. Joy spreads across Small Town Loser’s face as he leads them in his notorious Samoan war chant while Texas Forever drops his whole Woe Is Me routine to enjoy the scene playing out in front of him. Will someone tell him that this is the Texas Forever we know and love? Can we get that Texas Forever back, please?
Cut to the next football game, and the team is doing their war chant in the tunnels before the game. Coach gives another of his patented motivational speeches about the 5000 fans out there who want to take their dream away from them. Are we gonna let that happen, gentleman? NO!!!!!! As one, they pray, which again is a questionable move, given that this is a public school. But in the moment, it’s glorious!
Look at all the confidence! I think someone read QB Princess' scouting report.
Blind Side Lite and Hayseed Hottie lead them out onto the field as the fans throw popcorn and drink cups down on them and jeer them loudly. And it looks like they’re playing Preston, so I hope Coach took note of QB Princess’ scouting report.
Outside of the BBQ restaurant, Blind Side Lite excitedly narrates to Not Sandra Bullock the highlights of another Red Storm victory—how they silenced the hostile crowd with an amazing TD pass to Sunshine 2.0. Not Sandra Bullock is reveling in her son’s joy. He says she would have loved it, and she tells him that she won’t be missing any more Fridays because of work since she talked to the boss and he said she could have off. Just then, Deadbeat Dad stumbles up to them, clearly drunk and/or high and causing a scene.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Pass the 4Loco.
He kisses Not Sandra Bullock and hugs Blind Side Lite while they look at him with disapproving gazes. Blind Side Lite asks if he’s been drinking, but he shrugs it off, stuttering that he heard that his boy crushed their opponent. He comes bearing gifts, handing both of them what appears to be leather jackets. Not Sandra Bullock points out that he doesn’t make enough money to buy the jackets, and Deadbeat Dad blows up, yelling at her not to embarrass him. Then he manhandles her, grabbing her up off the bench. Blind Side Lite jumps up to pry his hands off of his mamma. In the scuffle, Deadbeat Dad drops about a dozen tiny little baggies and a small wad of cash, and we suddenly know how he was able to afford those jackets.
Where can you even buy little baggies like that? I wasn't aware that WalMart had a drug paraphrenalia section.
It didn’t take him long to fall into old habits. Auntie BBQ comes out threatening to call the POE-LICE, and Deadbeat Dad scrambles to pick up the evidence that’ll send his ass back to jail. He tells his son to nevermind the little baggies, which are grown man stuff, but something tells me he knows exactly what they are, having put his mamma through crack rehab. He throws the jackets back at Deadbeat Dad and tells him to GET THE FUCK OUT. He walks away, calling them ungrateful, and Not Sandra Bullock breaks down in tears.
The Cosby Show dream is officially over, and if they know what’s good for them, they’ll avoid the Cosby Mysteries trap.
In the locker room, the Red Storm pass around a black marker, teammate to teammate, and Tinker gets the honor of updating the dry erase board. One game away from STATE! Coach then drives Tami-Joe Clark to the airport, all the while whining about her being gone for the most important game of the season (so far) when he needs her the most.
With both of them so close to the unemployment lines, Tami is completely justified to throw the declined Shane State offer in his face.
Tami proceeds to kick him the nuts, pointing out how she’s been very upfront with this and how important it is to her, and how she’s spent her entire life supporting him in his career, and now it’s his turn. He asks if she got the window and seat, and Tami calls him out on changing the subject. He admits defeat in this particular argument, joking around with her about who’s gonna cook dinner for him. Dude, I love you, but now’s not the time to play the happy housewife card, even if it is a joke.
Back in the Red Storm locker room, QB Princess is managing equipment when Coach Father Figure approaches her about the female football coach thing. He’s been thinking about it and actually looking into it. YAY, COACH! That’s why I love him so much! He points out there’s 1 female coach out of 14,000 in the country. He doesn’t like those odds, and neither does she.
Better odds than winning the lottery, but you should still buy tickets anyway.
Then, Coach continues the chauvinist tradition by saying that MEN play this game—ANGRY, FIERCE, TOUGH MEN. Any one of the times Brett Favre has cried in a press conference announcing his annual retirement might prove otherwise. QB Princess quickly refutes him, saying she’s not asking to play. Coach considers the prospect of having a shadow, letting her know that shadows stay out of way, keep quiet and don’t talk back. QB Princess agrees, excitement building, and Coach finally agrees to take her under his wing. She’s frozen in place while Coach goes into his office, calling after her to join the meeting. QB Princess snaps to life and skips into the office while Blind Side Lite, who has been at his locker the whole time, registers her triumph with a smile on his face.
Meanwhile, the Brothers Riggins are sharing a beer at the Landing Strip while T&T Girl waits tables and Stripper Wife gives lap dances. Texas Forever points this out with a hefty amount of disdain adding that his kid is back stage getting fed by a bunch of “rippers” and Small Town Loser’s on his 7th beer. Small Town Loser smugly leans back and takes a swig of his Michelob Ultra, acting as if he’s achieved Nirvana. Texas Forever questions how he could allow “her” to work here, and when he realizes they’re talking about T&T Girl instead of his wife, he makes two big mistakes.
When you let men stuff cash into your panties, the line between stripping and waitressing gets a bit blurred, don't you think?
He says: 1. I didn’t know until it was happening, and 2. She’s helping pay the rent, which includes the payments on his ranch land. He says that times are tight, and Texas Forever jumps all over that, reminding him that things were supposed to be going well with the garage, calling him a liar. Then he gets up and confronts the guy stuffing $20 bills in T&T Girl’s suspenders. He warns the dude to keep his hands off of her. T&T Girl tries to diffuse the situation by introducing him as her best customer, but Texas Forever doesn’t care, continuing with the threat. Skeevy dude gets up in Texas Forever’s face, and a scuffle breaks out.
Beer Muscles: n. slang; the illusion of strength created from consuming large amounts of alcohol, making you think you can win a fight against Texas Forever
Small Town Loser tries to hold Texas Forever back, but Texas tosses him off like he’s a page of newspaper that’s blown into him by a strong gust of wind. Two bouncers take hold of an enraged Texas, who blows T&T Girl’s cover by shouting her real (under)age.
The fight continues between the Riggins boys outside after the bouncers toss him out. Small Town Loser follows him to his car, wanting to know what his problem is. He throws Texas up against his truck and getting in his face to take his problems out on him and not T&T Girl. In response, Texas throws him back against the car parked in the next space, yelling that he was supposed to look after her, and the deal was for him to screw up his own life so that Small Town Loser could fix his own. Texas moves to get into his truck, and Small Town Loser tries to grab the keys away from him. Like the first time he was felt up in the prison showers, Texas Forever’s response is swift, turning on a dime and landing a vicious punch square to Small Town Loser’s jaw.
Don't they teach anger management in prison?
He falls to ground and starts crying, while Texas Forever starts the truck and bangs on the steering wheel a little bit. Small Town Loser asks how long he’s gonna hold this shit over his head. Finally finding a bit of calm, Texas responds for the rest of his life if he feels like it. He drives off into the night, with Small Town Loser shouting apologies into the dust kicked up by the tires.
Why, God, hast thou foresaken me?
And things go from bad to worse, as Deadbeat Dad stumbles up to the ghetto apartment front door. Blind Side Lite and Not Sandra Bullock sit inside while he realizes that his key no longer works. He bangs on the door, asking what the hell is going on. Blind Side Lite asks if he’s a’ight. Translation: you drunk/stoned/tripping? It finally registers that the locks have been changed, and Not Sandra Bullock fesses up to doing it. Deadbeat Dad yells that she’s gone crazy, and this is his house too, so open the damn door. The banging gets louder and harder, but Blind Side Lite won’t let him until he gets himself Right. Translation: SOBER! He abandons his fists, trying to kick the door down instead. He breaks through the new lock pretty easily, but the security chain hangs on for dear life.
Amazing that a dead bolt can’t do shit, but that dinky little security chain manages to do the job.
Blind Side Lite jumps up to throw his weight in front of the door to keep Deadbeat Dad out, while Not Sandra Bullock shrieks and calls 911. Blind Side Lite pleads with Deadbeat Dad to GTFO, or he’s going back to prison. Deadbeat Dad begs to be let in the house, and vows not to go anywhere, but Blind Side Lite holds his ground. Finally, he tosses the Red Storm sign at the door and retreats while Blind Side Lite leans against the door and weeps.
Don't let the bad man in
And things go from worse to ridiculous as T&T Girl stands by the driver side window, whining to Texas Forever why he had to go and ruin things for her. He apologizes for getting her fired, but she says that she needed that job, and he humiliated her. BULLSHIT! She had to know that it was only a matter of time before someone blew the whistle on her 17 year old, high school junior ass. Either a stupid boy recognizing her from SCHOOL, or an over-the-hill stripper jealous of her young nubile ass and the loads of cash she was getting by shaking it. Then she makes it personal, whining some more about how he doesn’t talk to her or look at her.
You don't bring me flowers... You don't sing me love songs
Maybe it’s because he’s ashamed for your stupid ass? Or, he’s ashamed of himself? Either way, cut the dude some slack. He’s had a trying year, and you’re being a fucking brat. But you’re a pageant girl, so I guess that’s to be expected. And at that very moment, Hayseed Hottie pulls up in his own F-150, sees his girlfriend cozying up to her old crush, jumps to conclusions and drives off to cry into his pillow.
It's not what it looks like. Or is it?
In his wake, Texas Forever sees just how royally he’s fucked shit up and leaves, despite T&T Girl’s protests to the contrary.
And things go from ridiculous to awful as Coach Father Figure’s phone rings in the dead of night. He answers it to discover Principal Downtrodden on the other end. Coach pleads with him not to ask for more cuts in his budget, but things are well beyond that stage, we soon learn. Principal Downtrodden just got out of a late running budget meeting, and he drops the bomb that Dillon will only have ONE football program next year, and the two schools will share a team.
Let me guess.... the team with the Jumbotron gets to stay?
Coach asks the next logical question—which team do they plan to cut? Principal Downtrodden gives away the plot of Episode 12 by responding, “That’s next week’s fight.” And Coach is stunned silent.
The next day, the team exits the fieldhouse to board the buses for the STATE semifinal game. The community is there to support, but the news of the budget meeting hangs heavy in the air. A reporter approaches Coach, asking about their upcoming opponent, which happens to be the one team that beat them this year. Coach responds that the difference is that STATE is on the line. Acutally, the difference is that Blind Side Lite has gotten over himself and they’re playing like a team this time out. Then he asks Coach’s thoughts on one of the Dillon football programs getting cut. He puts on a brave face, feigns confidence, and says that he doesn’t think a STATE Champion is gonna get cut.
The Evil Empire may have the Jumbotron, but we're playing in the STATE semifinals. That's gonna count for something, right?
The players start to board the buses, and T&T Girl tries to apologize to Hayseed Hottie, but he just ignores her, blowing past her. Overreaction? YES! But definitely understandable. Meanwhile, Blind Side Lite bids farewell to Not Sandra Bullock, asking how she’s gonna get to get the game, now that Deadbeat Dad has been exiled. She asks if it’s ok that she doesn’t go to the game, and his first thought, along with mine is UH OH!
This last bump in the road has finally knocked her off the wagon, and she’s gonna go get high.
DON’T DO IT, NOT SANDRA BULLOCK! Luckily, she’s quick to explain that she needs to take a meeting, and FNL Nation takes a collective sigh of relief. Blind Side Lite supports her, saying that’s more important than going to his game. He hugs her goodbye and tells her that he’s gonna win the game for her. As he boards the bus, she and Coach share a meaningful look and they nod at each other. And dammit, why are tears welling up in my eyes? Inspirational music swells as the doors close, and the buses pull away.
Time to check in with Tami-Joe Clark as she starts her interview with Braemore College. Apparently, I’ve been spelling it wrong this whole time. Oh well.
Braemore College.... which is NOT Temple University, at all
Braemore College Lady is giving her the rundown as they walk the campus, making it a point to brief her on the Dean, who is humorless. She should focus all her positive energy towards him. In the interview, we find out just how much of a prick he is.  Tami is talking about her experience saving At-Risk Youth, and how she’s found that their test scores aren’t representative of their potential. She goes on to criticize the college’s admissions policies, telling them they aren’t getting the top tier students. Dean Bitter Beer Face gets argumentative with her, defending his policies and cutting her off every time she tries to explain her position.
Why did you fly her in just to be judgmental and snobbish? Tami must be an Equal Opportunity candidate.
Braemore College Lady tries to diffuse the tension by explaining what she thinks Tami is trying to say, but Tami interrupts her to defend herself and her belief that Braemore is missing out on the best students. It’s clear this interview isn’t going well, especially when Dean Bitter Beer Face changes the subject, asking about how she went from guidance counselor to principal, then back to counselor. The OH SHIT! look appears on Tami’s face as she realizes this interview has now imploded.
Hasa Diga Eebowai
Over at the Riggins House, Texas Forever drinks one last beer as he throws a bulging duffel bag over his shoulder and grabs the case of beer out of the fridge. Stripper Wife begs him not to do this. Small Town Loser has been wracked with guilt over the whole situation, crying at night unable to be comforted. They love his so much for what he did for them, giving Baby Riggins his father.
I love Stripper Wife and all, but why is no one asking why SHE didn't stop T&T Girl from waitressing. Just saying...
Texas Forever is glad that they’re a family, but it doesn’t change the fact that he has to go. As he’s heading out the door, Stripper Wife points out, with tears streaking her face, that he’s a different person. Texas Forever looks over his shoulder, coldly agrees with her and heads out the door.
Meanwhile, the STATE semifinal game is late in the 4th Quarter, and the Red Storm are down 13-9 with no time-outs. They have the ball for one last drive. Coach calls his star QB over to give him the call, no huddle hurry up package, and WATCH THE CLOCK! Blind Side Lite heads onto the field as hard hitting guitar music starts to play (foreshadowing?). Blind Side Lite takes the snap, drops into the pocket, and throws a pass complete to Sunshine 2.0. He’s tackled in bounds so the clock continues to run. They hurry to get the next play off—a quick shovel pass to Hayseed Hottie that advances the ball, but the clock continues to run.
Don't cut inside! Everyone knows that you have to get out of bounds to stop the clock! ARGH!!!
Another play, and Blind Side Lite throws a long bomb complete to Sunshine 2.0, who lays himself out in order to catch the ball. Again, he’s still in bounds, so the clock continues to run. Coach rushes to feed Blind Side Lite the play. He takes the snap and immediately scrambles for more yardage as the Red Storm get very close to the goal line. Somehow the clock stops (maybe the other team called a time-out?), and Blind Side Lite tells his receivers to get to the sidelines or end zone. The next play goes off, and Blind Side Lite has to scramble out of the pocket and pressure closes in. He gets a pass off, complete to Sunshine 2.0 inches from the goal line as he falls out of bounds.
FINALLY!!! Although with no defenders near him AT ALL, Blind Side Lite should have thrown the ball so that he could have just scored the TD right there.
Two seconds left, time for one last play. In the huddle, Blind Side Lite calls for calm. Tinker feels strong as a mountain, and he calls the last play. 26 Power Glide (whatever that means). Their entire season is riding on the proverbial line. Blind Side Lite takes the snap and tries to jump over the scrum into the end zone, but the defense holds him back.
STUFFED!!! :-(
Still on his feet, he runs around the pile of defenders and throws himself forward, falling with the ball just over the line.
TOUCHDOWN!!!!!
After an agonizing second, the ref’s arms go up, signaling a TD, and the RED STORM WIN THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!! The players rush the field in jubilation as the Coaches, Booster Dick, and Principal Downtrodden hug each other. GOD, I LOVE THIS SHOW!
Be careful you don't fracture your other ankle, Lil Dick!
Texas Forever, with nowhere else to go, breaks into that old beat-up trailer back at T&T Girl’s deserted house, cracks open another can of beer, and tries to find the game on radio. Getting only static, he shuts it off and sits there in silence.
Back in Philadelphia, Tami-Joe Clark and Braemore College Lady commiserate over the failed interview over wine and some dinner. She tries to be supportive, but Tami knows it went horribly. She’s just grateful for the opportunity. Dr. Tate (aka the asshole mayor from Blue Bloods), who was in the interview, shows up. Apparently, he’s the college president. He apologizes for dropping in between having dinner with a wealthy donor and rushing home to tuck his kids into bed. He pours himself a glass of wine, and they cheers.
Is a celebration imminent? Seems to me that Tami blew the interview completely.
Tami thanks them again, showing impeccable southern charm, and Dr. President states the obvious. They aren’t gonna offer the Assistant Dean position…. HOWEVER…. In true Hollywood fashion and lazy writing so uncharacteristic of FNL, they’re offering her the position of Dean of Admissions!!!! Braemore College Lady places the all-important folder across the table in front of Tami. She stutters, clearly shocked, asking about Dean Bitter Beer Face. Dr. President only responds in dramatic staccato fashion, that he wants…. People like her…. At this college.
JAW.... FLOOR!
Tami verbalizes that she’s speechless, and Dr. President speaks for her, saying that she should go home and talk to her husband, and call him up to accept the position. Tami thanks him as he makes his apologies and leaves. Nice dude, way to waste a perfectly glass of expensive wine. At least chug the damn thing.
And finally, on the bus back to Dillon, Coach drags out that big ass dry erase board. Um… really? Why did you drag that thing on the bus in the first place? Do you take it with you all the time? Seems ridiculous to me, but we’ll go with it. The board has been counting down their games left to state. Coach asks what the board says, and all the players scream ONE! He erases the “1 game to” written on the board, leaving STATE up there. What’s that say? STATE!!!!!! BABY, WE’RE GOING TO STATE!!!!
WOOHOOOOOO!!!!! I love seeing Coach excited!
Cheers erupt on the bus. Hayseed Hottie pipes in that they’ve missed their turn to the field house, and Coach responds that that’s not where they’re headed. Instead, the bus drives up to their field, where a hero’s welcome awaits them. Fans hold up sparklers and fireworks gets shot off as they get off the bus and join in the celebration.
I hope these people didn't just hang out there after seeing the team off. Get a life, people!
Blind Side Lite, in between giving high-fives, searches the crowd looking for his mamma. Finally, he spies her standing at the edge of the crowd looking for him. He runs over to her, and she jumps into his arms. The crowd cheers for him, and he acknowledges them with one arm while the other is draped over Not Sandra Bullock’s shoulder. AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
SHE'S SOBER, Y'ALL!!!!!
The episode closes on Coach Father Figure doing the exact same thing, search the crowd out, and we’re left to assume that he’s looking for his wife, who is clearly NOT THERE! AWWWWWWWWW!!!! With only two episodes left, the fight against the Evil Empire in Blue looms along with the outcome of STATE and future of the Taylor family. Great stuff surely awaits us! Are y’all ready for this saga to come to a conclusion, because I’m clearly not.
CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS CAN’T LOSE!!!!!!!!! >
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