It’s the end of DWTS and I’m incredibly sad. I have to watch 2 hours full of “extravaganza” bullshit to find out 10 seconds of pertinent information.

I watch it so no one else has to. It is my burden to bear, but only for the next 2 burdensome hours.

I sit, ready and waiting, with my six-pack of Orangina and industrial-sized pack of M&M’s.

Bring on the bullshit extravaganza parade!!

Slow-mo open panning the dance floor that everyone has grown to love. The Tom leads us into this epic last episode, “Journey: the act of traveling from one place to another. But for these three individuals, it would not be that simple.”

I feel like I’m about to watch a Lifetime made for TV movie about lady problems. Time to go get the Cherry Garcia. This one’s gonna be a doozy!

Tom continues with a sad guitar and drums that punctuate every frame that details their struggle, “They would have to find success in an environment where the odds are heavily in favor of failure.”

What a positive and uplifting show! I love coming home from a long day at work, sitting in front of the TV that is supposed to bring me joy and make me forget about the monotonousness that is my life and be burdened with these celebrities “white people problems.”

“I just can’t get upset!” says Chelsea Kane. Really Chelsea??!! That’s because you’ve never been exposed to anything other than sunshine and lollipops! You’re biggest problem is getting stunningly attractive men to STOP falling in love with you! Wait 2 years when Hollywood will have scooped out the happiness from your youthful body and left you shivering on a street corner begging for nickels with Lindsey Lohan, THEN you’ll know what being upset means.

They give a mini-summary on what the stars have learned, which I'm sure they will elaborate on multiple times throughout the episode, and Kirstie’s lesson is by far the best: “It’s not how hard you fall, it’s what you do when you get up.” ---You go right back to that high shelf that you fell from when you were reaching for the last 2 crème filled donuts that you hid from yourself a week earlier, and you GET THOSE FUCKING DONUTS!

Tom goes on to say that these three finalists have “the strength to never say die.” When did DWTS become a gladiator pit where you have to Tango your ass off to please the masses or you will be eaten by a pack of ravenous lions?

It’s just a circus program that was created by some lazy producers who wanted to do the least amount of work possible and just show recap after recap to fill some airtime.

Everyone comes back for one final performance! It’s just like LOST, except this show is way more frustrating.  Roots McGee(AKA Lacey Schwimmer) FINALLY GOT HER ROOTS TAKEN CARE OF!!!! This is truly and EPIC finale!! I am literally beside myself with glee! There is a God!

Recap of last night: Chelsea says that her samba “Is double-dipped in sex.” There is  NO chance of her going back to the Disney channel.  Then she goes on to show us all the intricate taping of wires that was done JUST so her shoes could flash during the dance. Wow, great special effects. She should have just slipped on her old pair of Sketchers light-ups she got for Christmas last year, that’s way less tech-heavy. Apparently their high-tech method totally worked out for them because they got a perfect score.

More recap of last night: Kirstie manages to get more and more insecure as she gets closer to the much-anticipated finish line. Quick, someone hide the ding-dongs, she’s gonna have a relapse.

Even more recap of last night: People are STILL waving their towels wildly for Hines as he bumbles around the floor. Which leaves me to wonder? Have they washed those towels at all? Because is not, that is just unsanitary. They are just whipping germs through the air with their tiny helicopters of infestation. Amazingly, bumble-tron also got a perfect score. We can’t leave Kirstie by herself after this, she will literally eat herself out of house and home.

And now for a bullshit time killer performance: a totally unrelated act Black-Eyed Peas performs their hit(?), Don’t Stop the Party. If bouncing and bopping their heads is dancing, then they absolutely danced.

Tom does a great job pretending he likes them.

Then we hear what the judges have to say about the contestants. They call Chelsea dynamite and say she is very precise with her movements. Apparently, Hines is the judges’ favorite footballer-turned-dancer and now they want to give him the title of twinkle-toes, which is a compliment? They say that his special weapon is his smile and those dimples! Bruno says that Kirstie is “like a Phoenix rising from her own ashes ad renewing herself week by week.” So basically he’s saying she’s a total wreck and has to pick up the pieces to find the courage to move on in the competition, which is a compliment? Carrie Ann says that Kirstie knows how to bring an audience to her feet. Too bad she doesn’t know how to get to her own feet.

Finally, twenty minutes into the epic finale, we get to see the three finalists in person. We’ve just been talking about them, recapping and having unrelated guest perform up until this point.

Mike Catherwood is back in a leotard and neon pink legwarmers! DWTS has come up with yet another hilarious sketch to add even more time to their never-ending program. It appears that Psycho Mike has come for a DWTS Dance Troupe audition, which is ironic because he was the first one to get kicked off remember?? Oh DWTS, the sense of humor you have! Then Mike proceeds to move around in a way that would make a toddler quiver with embarrassment. Regardless of his non-moves, he STILL was able to overcome and appears with the dance troupe to Unbelievable.  On. The. Nose.

Here we go! DWTS is kind enough to provide us with another montage of what happened in the season and they call it: The Story of the Season. It’s a good thing because so much has happened since the very first episode I almost forgot that I DON’T CARE!

Petra is back to perform her dance that she dedicated to the tsunami survivors, because she does not want us to forget that she too survived a tsunami, so she knows what it’s like. We need to understand that she knows how it feels, and in order for us to understand she must perform to You Raise Me Up one last time, or every time there is another DWTS tribute in any rural town across America for the rest of time.

Josh Groban surprised Petra by flying in from his busy busy tour to sing for her one dance on the circus DWTS finale.

Oh no! Kendra is performing again with not one, not two, but five guys! She looks like a confused robot with enormous cans.

Huzzah! Another montage! This time they focus on Kirstie’s shoe mishaps and Kendra’s fear of elegance and I blacked out for the rest. Now whenever I see a montage coming I smell toast and then I wake up in a puddle of drool.

I woke up just in time to see the Let’s Get Ready to Rumble guy announce a fight between Chris Jericho and Sugar Ray Leonard. For a minute I thought that they were actually going to go at it because Jericho looked pretty fierce, but then I remembered that would be too entertaining and we would stray for the now comfortable pattern of recapping and dancing the same dances over and over again.

Tom rubs in the fact that they both have been off the show for quite some time and what have they been doing with themselves not that they have fallen back into the shadows of forgotten-celebrity-land. So Chris Jericho pulls out his impression of Bruno, just to hold on to the spotlight a little bit longer. There is nothing sadder than watching a star flop around in the spotlight like a fish fighting for his last gulps of air.

Awesomeballs! Wendy Williams is interviewing herself! Just when I thought DWTS couldn’t be any cleverer, they have completely outdone themselves. It starts with a “How you doin’?” face-off that leaves Tony Dovolani confused and horrified. The whole thing is hokier than an Univision Sketch Funny Comico Hora.

Wait! When did the GoGos make a comeback? Does everyone get a second shot at their 15 minutes on this show?

While the GoGos sing, Maksim comes out in a cop outfit that makes him look like a male stripper. And his costume proves itself appropriate as he immediately strips down as soon as his feet hit the stage. That Ukrainian will do anything to show off his old country pecs.

Much like Petra, Romeo wants to drive home the point he was trying to make throughout his time on DWTS: he’s doing it for the kids. In order to help us understand, he and Chelsie Hightower dance to the Greatest Love of All, you know, the children are our future song. Then as soon as he’s done with the dance, he tells Tom yet again that children are the future. We get it Romeo; you really like kids.

I cannot believe it! Another montage! How can they ever come up with MORE MONTAGES! This is the pain montage, where they show all the pain that was experienced by every cast member. What they don’t show is my pain, as I watch hour upon hour of recap after recap after excruciating recap.

Ralph Macchio is back, despite all his elderly injuries, sob stories and false hips. He performs again, which seems to make everyone happy. I just want more M&Ms. Have you ever felt that no amount of M&Ms could fill the hole that DWTS has left in your soul?

I think I may be having a seizure! There is a repetition of scenes that keep happening and it seems like there might be a beat to it. Like an episode of Autotune the News, except way less funny and way more headache-inducing.

Now it’s Tom’s turn to ask the finalists questions. I’m a little upset that they didn’t let Brooke make it all the way through the show with the questions. There is no one better than Brooke at asking questions. Although, Tom is really efficient with his question-asking method, which I do like…

Then it’s on to the last time we will EVER see the rehearsal process for Chelsea and Mark. It turns out, they just do a lot of talking and crying and talking while they decide to do the wizard dance as their final dance. I really have to go see Part Two of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows this summer.

Thank god! Brooke is back to asking questions! Chelsea gets sad again because she hates good byes and clouds and Gloomy Guses. Then she’s happy because she got a perfect score from the judges.  Then she’s sad again because she has to go home and she doesn’t wanna go home. But then she’s happy because she saw a piece of shiny streamer from the opening dance.

I love how DWTS stretches their creative minds by coming up with so many ways to re-hash original material. Since no one really did anything besides crying during their rehearsals, they had to drudge up a lot of tape off the cutting room floor to fill the rest of the second hour of finale. But they managed, and we are left to watch less than exciting footage of what an exciting time Kirstie has had on the show.

More than anything, I want Kirstie to fall one last time during her final performance. That would make me the happiest. But alas, dreams don’t come true. They managed to get through the routine without so much as a nip slip.

Kirstie gets a perfect score. Lame. Where’s the famous fall followed by the nervous breakdown followed by the fast food binge that I look for every week?

Just when I lost all hope, Hines pull off his pants to reveal some man-spanks and continues his whole rehearsal wearing nothing but tush-tuckers. I knew I could count on something both cheesy AND awful happening.

Then I get an eyeful of Hines putting those man-spanks to work as he desperately tries to shake his hips on the dance floor. You can almost see the wheels creaking along in his head as he tried to figure out where to put his foot next.

Accroding to Carrie Ann, Hines is the MVP of DWTS because he is a hero who led his partner out of an injury. If I recall from the countless times ABC showed us the “incident”, Hines was the one who caused the injury. He led her into, not out of the injury. But, potato poTAto right?

The hero gets a perfect score. It’s like the little league game where everyone gets a trophy just for participating.

Yet another unrelated artist performs! This is how we fill a two-hour slot with only 3 minutes of information. Sara Evans sings A Little Bit Stronger as they play ANOTHER dramatic montage of all the dancers with the partners.

Here we go, the predictable ending we’ve all been waiting for: the winner of Dancing with the Stars Season 12.

Dramatic pause.

The couple in third place is Chelsea and Mark. Sunshine died today.

Tom tells the couple that he wishes they had time to say everything they wanted to say to them, but they don’t. WHAT? How do they NOT have the time? I could tell you a way to make the time! GET RID OF ALL THE UNRELATED PERFORMERS AND JUST FOCUS ON WHO THE WINNER IS SO I CAN PUT SPOON OF CHERRY GARCIA DOWN AND GO TO BED!

Dramatic music.

Dramatic pause.

Dramatic Deliberation of who is going to be the next champion.

More dramatic music.

It’s Hines and Kym! Finally, smiley dimple man gets his day! This is better than winning the Superbowl, right?

I want to thank Blue Canary for sharing the pain and struggles of recapping DWTS with me. It’s been a pleasure.

On to Bridezillas! The height of sophisticated television.

source: http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/dwts-finally-finale/